cork humour bai

jaarius

just got this in a mail... funny



Horoscopes ba from de peoples republic ba


Don't attempt to do anything whatsoever without first consulting
PeoplesRepublicOfCork's guide to what the stars have to say. This exclusive
horoscope was compiled by our resident panel of expert astrologists, after
endless hours of meditation, machination and medication.


Sagittarius
Those of you who didn't make it into Spike Island for the annual Draw &
Ganja Festival last month should definitely think about doing a few
hand-brake-spins outside Angelsea St. Law Station at the end of this month.
With the eclipse due on Mars, chances are your case will be up around March
2002 and you'll be inside just in time for next year's festivities. If luck
is on your side you might get two months instead of one, enough time to
finally learn all of the words to "No Woman No Cry" once and for all.

Aquarius
You are the boy this month. You've got so much style right now. The buckles
on your slip-ons are shiny enough to almost block out the effect of your
luminous yellow shirt. Saturday is Pana Day (Sat-URR-day); stroll around
town with your chest out, arms loping, head cocked, wide for the law,
buying
a few things here, nicking a few things there. You'll certainly get
flashbacks of maad fights on Saturday nights. You won 'em all. Any fights
you get into this week you should use headlocks and the Bishopstown Mangle
as your main moves.

Pisces
Or should I say pussies? It may be helpful to wear a full hurling helmet
when going buzzing after having your jaw broken by that langer Capricorn
last month. It's time to have a rethink about the size of other feens you
decide to take on at the fountain. Lie low, have a smoke and forget about
the humiliating way he didn't even flinch after you unleashed your pussy
punches and fart kicks. Take heart cos you're not the first to make this
mistake - remember the old Cork philosophy "Y' haff ta take a bate-in
t'give
a bate-in".

Aries
The law car is still parked outside your door and you're under big-time
pressure to move the gear. The ol' doll I advised you to flah last month
has, despite your hopes, a bun in the oven ( I did warn about fertility)
and
she's after telling your ol' lade. When she calls over to break the news ,
stay calm and don't slap her, cos remember: the law are outside . DO NOT
put
the gear in danger, we don't want another drought in Cork. The stuff alone
will pay off the old doll and the child.

Taurus
All Tauruses are in danger of being zoned off for the foot and mouth cull
that's imminent in the City Centre. It hit the Irish Republic at the end of
March and it's due in the Cork Republic on the 17.30 train from Dublin 12th
of May assuming Jupiter's moons are visible from Dundalk one hour before
departure. You must become an Anti F&M soldier, loyal to Cork and Cork
only.
You can get dust masks and full body dust suits up in the DIY place on
North
Main St. for about 6 quid. Glow sticks and whistles are available in the
English Market. Rave tapes are still available from Golden Discs.

Gemini
You're back from the PeoplesRepublicofCork-recommended vacation in Santa
Ponza, with a face as red as the pavement outside Burgerland on a Sunday
morning. You're in flying form despite having to fork out 100 quid to get a
bus full of your relations up to the airport to cheer you in as you walked
across the tarmac. It's impressive how your trip away caused a major
industrial dispute in Aer Lingus. All the baggage handlers up in the
airport
had to "go on strike" after sniffing out the result of your day trip to
Morocco before the customs got a hold of it. It's no wonder passengers from
Amsterdam feel like they haven't left home when greeted by staff at the
airport.

Cancer
Another moon has been discovered on the dark side of Venus so you're flahed
to be honest Hammer. No matter where you go in the next few weeks the
photographer from Downtown in the Echo is going to find you. Not only is
your immaculate reputation as a Cork-City-Madee in jeopardy but all the
feens you've hammered over the years are going to recognise you and you
won't be able to put a foot outside the door without big gangs of feens
stamping all over your head. The caption will stay with you for the rest of
your life.... "UP-FOR-IT!: Darren, Karen and Sharon doing their wackiest at
the Coors Light promotion in Havana Browns" or "CAUGHT: The 96FM crew with
Darren at The Catwalk." Time to look up drive-thru plastic surgery outlets.

Leo
Remember the 1st of April was 'Fools Day' and that's you. You didn't get it
together on the day but it's never too late. Here's a mad joke and everyone
will think you're the boy. Hotwire your buddy's Civic. Ring him on your
mobile and tell him the video for the Ball & Chain is on MTV, then hang up
straight away. Drive at high speed through the living room window of his
gaf
while he's flicking through the channels. The impact will definitely make
the Civic go on fire, which is good. Then as he's looking at you through
the
broken windscreen (in shock at what a funny fellah you are) start singing
the words of the Ball & Chain like you're on MTV followed by "Fool Fool
First of May!!". Tell us how it went on the message board...

Virgo
All that 'hooping' of Oliver Plunkett and Grand Parade has you dizzy like a
langer. Forget the new spoiler cos Saturn and its rings are moving closer
to
Cork, so pay 'Castle Jewellers' a visit this month and splash out on the
latest goldy-sovereign and a couple o' new shiny chains while you're at it.
Daycent **** boy. You can't miss their big sign, "GOLD CHAINS 50% OFF"
(always). Gold is shiny. Shiny stuff is mad. Being mad is cool. You want to
be cool.

Libra
Remember how your mam danced on your head for not buying your little sister
a birthday present last year? Avoid a repeat of this. This is important,
langer, so listen up. You can pick up a Ronan Keating poster from the feen
that sells them off of the ground on Pana every Sat-URR-day. Never mind
that
she doesn't like his music any more, she still thinks he's a flah and your
gift will go down well - a bit like your sister herself, na haa haaa. If
you
have the change, splash out on a hilarious "Free the Wacky Weed" poster for
your own personal use.

Scorpio
Unprecedented amounts of pleasure await you every night of this month. Yes
not just three weeks, four. This month you will see the light as your old
doll "heads" towards the Utopia shop and gets into kinky ****. Don't bate
her for spending all your wages on all the stuff she bought, it'll pay
dividends big time. Filthy videos, silky blankets, leather underwear,
position books, measuring tapes, glow-in-the-dark johnnies, tricolour
johnnies, edible panties, furry handcuffs, whips, chains, thigh-high boots,
a swivel chair, a glass-topped coffee table, a multi-channel connection ,a
German dictionary and of course a red rose from a Romanian. Sounds like a
good night to us.

Capricorn
You don't seem to understand what a suspended sentence means boy. You
really
did kick the **** out of Taurus last month. I know I said free-digs only
come once a year but you didn't have to stand on his jaw. That's only one
away from cutting off his balls. How the hell is he supposed to gurn with
cables holding his jaw up? Calm down this month, lie low and wear a Kani
hoody everywhere.


j

rymus

Aww man, funniest post I've read in quite a while.. I laffed myself stupid.. pure hilarity I tells yah