Is it possible for an ex to remain a friend?

LegacyUser

Hey all

Just curious to know if anybody is still friends with an ex....considering the fact that the ex dumped them? Curious to know 'cos I'm in the situation at the mo and its throwing my feelings all over the place.........

BoozyBabe

Yip,
I've had 2 serious & 1 not so serious relationships. I did the dumping each time though, but if they were to answer your question then they'd say yes.

I don't see them all the time, but we can still chat, email, text, enjoy each others company the times we do meet up.

If both parties want to stay friends, if the break-up hasn't veen as a result of something V horrible & hasn't got too bitchy then there's no reason why you can't stay friends.

Red Kooga

A few factors count.

How long were you with him?

How did it end?

Have you mutual friends that still get on with both of you?

g'em

all depends on the nature of the realtionship and how you broke up.. generally if it was mutual it'll be easier, but the danger is that one person will still have feelings for the other. sometimes its best to leave be and get on with it. no general rules apply to this kind of thing.

if he dumped you, you sure you're over him? or is being friends a way to stay near him and hope he might want to rekindle the relationship somewhere down the line?

skywalker

Ive remained friends with several ex's. Im not actually in contact with them any more but thats due to differant things unrelated to them being an ex. Well actually one of them isnt, a girl I was seeing after didnt want me staying in contact with a girl Id saw previously (if you follow). Which is something I regret as she was a good friend.

Santa Claus

You can remain friends with an ex, provided you've dealt with your feelings for them.
If you're still in love with your ex then it'd be very hard to stay friends and see them meeting new people etc.

chuci

if you think that staying friends with them will hold you back from meeting other people?if so then its prob best that you dont. but if you both got on well with the other one an can still be done in a friendly manner then why not??but at the same time will it hurt you if the person started going out with someone else and brings them to hang out with your group?(if you have mutual friends). if you start going out with a new person and they ask you to stop being friendds with them could you?havent met a boy or girl who has been totally happy when they get told that one of your friends is your ex. but then again there are no fixed rules for this and everyone is diff.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies

Just to answer Red Kooga and g'em....the breakup wasn't mutual in that I didn't want it to happen...we were together for just over a year...and I probably still keep in contact in the hope that we will get back together someday....dillusional??? We didn't have any mutual friends really as it was a LDR...he had his friends which I met and socialised with but wouldn't really know that well at the same time

Redlancer

I have remained on speaking terms with all my ex girlfriends though I would only speak to two on a regular basis the others I keep in contact now and then but that might be 4 times a year

neoB

I am still mates with my ex. Been there done that, know how you feel.
But we still talk phone net whatever and he is just the sort of person I'd hate to lose as a mate. Even if he did dump me. :mad:
And I agree with santa claus there. If you can't get over them and you remain talking to them, its going to be ass rough when you see them with another person.

shakaman

In my experience the only way ex's can remain friends is in 2 scenarios

1) Mutual break up
2) The dumped finds someone and the dumper gets on with that person.

In your scenario you will always want him as more than a friend until you find someone yourself/move on.

I am the girl that always remains friends with ex's but even though the most recent ex's friendship is slowly turning bad I don't regret it

I met him a year and a half ago me 19, him 24(?)we got on great and had such chemistry (and still do) even though he revealed 2 me 2 months in he had a child and was afraid to tell me , our break-up happened 3 months later and was mutual, to him not wanting a big relationship (he had major ex troubles) and us not being able to spend as much time together as our schedules allowed we stayed friends only and never lost touch 4 more than 2 weeks .

we kissed at xmas but even though more was wanted by both of us I was seeing some1 and had a conscience..

We still stayed in touch but through him going through some stuff we lost contact in for the month of may and after that we started seeing each other casually again everything was going brilliant till we had a fight (my fault) in July we mutually agreed to meet up at least once a month to catch up which of course always ended up with us in the backseat of one of our cars.

We agreed to end those little encounters a few weeks ago because it aint healthy (even though I know I never have and prob never will have intense sex like that again with someone).
I also discovered recently he's actually 2 yrs older than he originally said and even though my means for accidentally finding it out were deceptive

I want to ring his neck because now I feel like I would never have gotten involved in the first place what with him being 8 yrs older having a child and still a hatred towards the ex, but bcuz of the way I found out (despite my certain level of intelligence I never twigged it) I cant say it him to him because despite all the faults he's a good mate and picked me up in some bad times, we are not seeing each other anymore so we'll just remain friends.

I hope this post is helpful if anyone has any opinions towards all this feel free to offer advice

angelfire9

coolsmileygirl wrote:

I am the girl that always remains friends with ex's but even though the most recent ex's friendship is slowly turning bad I don't regret it

I met him a year and a half ago me 19, him 24(?)we got on great and had such chemistry (and still do) even though he revealed 2 me 2 months in he had a child and was afraid to tell me , our break-up happened 3 months later and was mutual, to him not wanting a big relationship (he had major ex troubles) and us not being able to spend as much time together as our schedules allowed we stayed friends only and never lost touch 4 more than 2 weeks .

we kissed at xmas but even though more was wanted by both of us I was seeing some1 and had a conscience..

We still stayed in touch but through him going through some stuff we lost contact in for the month of may and after that we started seeing each other casually again everything was going brilliant till we had a fight (my fault) in July we mutually agreed to meet up at least once a month to catch up which of course always ended up with us in the backseat of one of our cars.

We agreed to end those little encounters a few weeks ago because it aint healthy (even though I know I never have and prob never will have intense sex like that again with someone).
I also discovered recently he's actually 2 yrs older than he originally said and even though my means for accidentally finding it out were deceptive

I want to ring his neck because now I feel like I would never have gotten involved in the first place what with him being 8 yrs older having a child and still a hatred towards the ex, but bcuz of the way I found out (despite my certain level of intelligence I never twigged it) I cant say it him to him because despite all the faults he's a good mate and picked me up in some bad times, we are not seeing each other anymore so we'll just remain friends.

I hope this post is helpful if anyone has any opinions towards all this feel free to offer advice

You might be talking about me and my ex! I thought I was the only one this kinda thing happened to!

whacker4fun

i dont think u can actually stay friends with an ex unless u and her/him are genuinely over each other.if there is feelings still there u are only asking to get hurt.
its a horrible suituation,i had to tell and ex of mine to bascically **** off coz she wanted 2 remain friends and that was never going to be enough for me,she couldnt excpet that and we ended up rowing even more.and we dont really talk any more.

Sarky

Certainly possible, if you're both rational enough to work through any hurt feelings.

AARRRGH

Yes it can be done, but I think it generally doesn't work or at least turn into a "real" friendship. No doubt you'll shag each other every now and then and someone will get jealous when the other meets someone new...

styer

My current girlfriend stays in contact with a couple of her ex's, she is actually meeting one of them tonight, i honestly don't know what to think, she says that I have nothing to worry about, that they are finished years, for my sake ex's can just remain friends....

Jesper

Posssible but very hard thing to do.
The break up has to be near perfect and almost completly mutual with no cheating involved or new girl/boy friends in the following weeks.
I've tried and hard but some just don't with some of them. Strangely getting on great with some of the older ex'a now when we meet. Realise right decisions were made. I think the trick is to give it time. Leave the other person know there still in your thoughts and things will work out eventually.

Red Alert

i sure as hell think it's possible. two are friends, one isn't, i don't see them a lot but we still have lots to talk about when we meet up.

LegacyUser

Cheers to all ....appreciate an objective perspective...there definitely still are feeings there on my part,I'll freely admit that...I guess I'm hanging onto a false hope that he feels the same but doesn't realise it yet...ah life sucks sometimes! Thanks to all.

Nightwish

yeah it is, me and my ex split up earlier on this year after a 7 year relationship. He was too much a part of my life to not have him as a friend.

DontKnowMuch

Gracie78 wrote:

Cheers to all ....appreciate an objective perspective...there definitely still are feeings there on my part,I'll freely admit that...I guess I'm hanging onto a false hope that he feels the same but doesn't realise it yet...ah life sucks sometimes! Thanks to all.

Hi Gracie. I am in a similar situation. I have this incredible passion for my ex. Yes, she dumped me, but I still love her deeply. We go to the same college, so we meet often.
I think she is trying to remain friends with me, but as long as I still have feelings for her, it won't be easy. I admit that I think on getting back together with her, but i am beeing able to not mention this subject when I am with her. For now, i dont know were this situation is going to lead us. I am trying to be very careful. I don't want to get hurt again. I am taking it one day at the time.

jonny68

Depending on the circumstances of the break up it's possible you can be,in my case it's a no although hardly my fault that but a mate of mine is still mates with his ex and fair play.;)

Azureus

i think its definately possible to remain friends but it does depend on the length/seriousness of the relationship and how/why the break up happened!
also its probably a good idea to keep some distance while the break up is still fresh otherwise it could be very easy to slip into old habits and doing something that as 'just friends' you might regret.

LegacyUser

Just to answer you Azureus we were together for over a year and yes it was a serious relationship in that I thought he was a "keeper". The break up came totally out of the blue (for me anyways) one day. Up to then we never had a serious fight, really got on well,same sense of humour etc etc and although we have spoken and texted many times since then the subject was only raised once by me and the only explanation I got was that his feelings have not changed but the distance was too much for him-we were in a LDR- two hours drive between us and we both drive! So I guess the not seeing him isn't a problem as he'd probably get heart failure if I turned up!

masteroftherealm

Azureus wrote:

i think its definately possible to remain friends but it does depend on the length/seriousness of the relationship and how/why the break up happened!
also its probably a good idea to keep some distance while the break up is still fresh otherwise it could be very easy to slip into old habits and doing something that as 'just friends' you might regret.

...

Faith

Wow, what an articulate and interesting post! :rolleyes:

I decided on Monday that I couldn't be friends with my ex any more, after deliberating over it for weeks. I'm still completely in love with him and I felt like it was killing me. I told him and started crying and couldn't stop and then sincerely regretting doing it. The thought of not even having him in my life was just too horrible to comtemplate because we were really good friends before we got together. Luckily for me, he begged me to change my mind and I was able to. Be absolutely sure it's what you want before you choose either to stay friends or completely cut off contact.

masteroftherealm

It has hidden meaning for Azeurues.

WhiteWashMan

Gracie78 wrote:

Hey all

Just curious to know if anybody is still friends with an ex....considering the fact that the ex dumped them? Curious to know 'cos I'm in the situation at the mo and its throwing my feelings all over the place.........

no.

masteroftherealm

WhiteWashMan wrote:

no.

I love your detailed response there man. Beaultiful

WhiteWashMan

masteroftherealm wrote:

I love your detailed response there man. Beaultiful

sorry, what else would you like me to put in?

masteroftherealm

A poem maybe?

440Hz

Gracie, I know exactly how you feel. Been in a similiar situation a while back. I thought that we might get back together and wanted to stay in contact just in case. He really wanted to be friends, but with both of us believing that it was over - if that makes sense. Anyway I tried my best at first to accept that we were just friends, but all we seemed to do was fight. We never fought when we were together (2yrs). I tried to make the friendship work cos I wanted it, and I was terrified of losing him from my life completely. After almost a year of heartache though I realised that it was killing me and I had to stop. So I cut contact completely. It was the best move for me at the time cos it allowed me to finally get my life back. Problem being that a few months later when I had sorted my own head out, I really did miss his friendship. By this time I had accepted that was all it was going to be, but it was too late, and I had lost that as well.
It is a really tough call Gracie. You need to decide whether to put yourself first and try and accept that it is over and move on. Or put your friendship first and really try and make it work just so you have a little part of him in your life... I really wish you the world of luck with this one. My honest advice would be to walk away though. Because if you are like I was, holding on to this little hope at the back of your mind 'if i can just make the friendship work, everything will be ok...' - it might, but it might not either, and you will have hurt yourself so much more in the meantime.
I hope that helps, sorry its long but... best of luck

Stabshauptmann

Ok well Ive a question for all you knowlegeable people

I'd been seeing a girl for two months, we werent officially going out and neither of us loved the other as far as I know. She broke things off.

Now Im over her, definitly so, but want to stay friends. She's a really great person and I believe that being friends with her would be great for my social life.

So one week after things ended, (and they ended well) I was out with her and a friend. The friend told me to stay persuing her and it would work out. I did and she flipped, called me obsessive and to get over it.

I felt this unfair, so did others and she appologised for the remarks a few times since.

So its been two weeks, one week since she told me to get over her. I AM over her, Ive been with others in the past 2 weeks, but I do want to keep her as a friend. How do I txt her or arrange to meet up without being accused of obsessing

Mina Loy

tell her what her friends said to you..if shes a reasonable and rational human being she'll understand and forgive you....if not and she flips..whod wanna be friends with such a drama queen anyway....:rolleyes: problemo solvo

Stabshauptmann

Hmm thought I was clear, try it again.
We were kinda seeing each other
She didnt want it to get serious, things ended
We did remain friends
her friend told me to give it another go
I did, she was V. unhappy
She now knows what her friend told me
So I want to go back to being friends, but want her to know friends is all I want.
Specifically, how much time do people think I should leave things and then, how should I phrase things

LegacyUser

Cheers again for all the advice...Faith I really do think that we are leading a parallel life....update on the situation...decided after quite a lot of alcohol on a night out with friends that I had to think of myself and txtd the ex saying that I didn't want to do the whole "friends" thing or keep in touch...next morning when I checked my message outbox I realised what I had done and regretted it immediately...as it happened I got a message a little later from him saying that he still wanted to be "friends" and keep in contact....so I'm right slap bang back at square one!!

Faith

That's where I am too, but what I'm finding helpful is knowing we're still friends but not initiating contact with him. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday night when we sorted out the "friends" thing and I realised that there was pretty much no chance of us getting together again (Although I still hold out an inordinate amount of hope and will for a long time). If he texts me or whatever, I'll text back and chat away but I'm not going to text him first. It's taking huge amounts of self control because I'm so used to telling him everything, no matter how small, but I know it's the best way to start getting over him. The thought of going home and seeing him and Christmas and being friends again is comforting enough. Even though it's not entirely what I want, it's the best compromise I can see. I don't know if that will be any help to you, though.

Tuesday_Girl

It has worked out for me for 2 reasons, the breakup was more or less mutual, and we initially didn't see each other for quite a while after breaking up. Actually there's a third - we never got into the shag buddy situation, sex with the ex rarely ends well.

Anyway, that was 3 years ago, and he's one of my best friends now. He has since married and is very happy, we talk regularly and meet once or twice a month to catch up and have a drink.