First Post here

Dragan

Hey all ,

used to post loads on other boards, fell of the net for a while so decided to join a new community. Thanks for having me.


FEED MY ANGER

It's all just gone away,
what it was that kept me going,
I'm just too drained to tap this hate,
an easy target for him thats knowing,
if he struck me now,
could I stay standing?
If he betrayed my hate with peace....


Just so tired,
no trouble sleeping any more,
just so tired,
sleeping troubles me no more.


Am I just getting too old?
Hard to keep pure hate alive.
My own legend my undoing,
find new enemies for which to strive.
If she held me now,
would I still hate her?
If she betrayed my hate with love?



Just so tired,
no trouble sleeping any more,
just so tired,
sleeping troubles me no more.


Feels like I'm running on empty,
I found peace but it don't suit,
need to find a land of plenty,
find my hated's new recruit.

Feed my Anger,
one wrong move, let me despise you,
Feed my Anger,
can't you see I @#%$ need this?


Feed....
my.....
Anger....

Dragan

* bumping for feed *

el_tiddlero

bumping after less than 24 hrs????????? grrrrrrrrrrr...... patience is a virtue.. also from other posts please learn to spell "write" right... right?? it looks terrible to see someone who claims to be a writer telling other people how they love to "right"....
and now your piece.....
its a little muddled... your intention is clear enough but we're not really given an insight into where this anger came from, sure there's a reference here and there to things that may or may not have happened but imo all anger must be justified, and you offer no justification for yours... the rhythm of the seven line stanzas is good, i like it and the way those parts flow, i dislike the repetetive just so tired parts, they sound like a dodgy emo band chorus.... i'm not a big fan of the end either, the expletive and the verse its contained in seem almost unnecessary, but overall its a good piece, there's some nice imagery and like i said some good rhythm and flow to parts.. not sure how long you've been writing but i wouldnt be discouraged, there's definitely positives to work with in this...
keep on writing and keep on posting!!

Dragan

Thank you for the feed!

Sorry about the spelling, most of my posting is in rushed pockets in work i fear, I will try and dedicate a bit more time to have a look at it.

I also forgot to mention that this was actually written as a song. I don't use repitition in poetry..... sorry about that, entirely my fault!

I didn't want to give an insight into where the anger came from becuase I just felt that it is not always a requirment to know where something came from, merely that it exists?

Thanks for mentioning the end, as part of the song it works, but i was a little unsure about it as just a poem...... i'll need to work on that for any more posts I put up as that started as a song!

Thanks a million!

ctrl-alt-delete

Dragan wrote:

Just so tired,
no trouble sleeping any more,
just so tired,
sleeping troubles me no more

was halfway through replying earlier and had to stop, u hadn't indicated that it was a song at that stage, but i was replying and saying i loved the part quoted above and that it came across as a song to me

Dragan wrote:

Feed my Anger,
one wrong move, let me despise you,
Feed my Anger,
can't you see I @#%$ need this?


Feed....
my.....
Anger....

was also saying how i didn't much like this bit...in a poem, but can see how it would work in a song as you have indicated,

some good stuff, keep it up,

any chance of hearing it as a song?

Dragan

I can try and get in on MP3 , a friend of mine has the only recorded version of it on an old 4 track ( yeah, we're pretty dark ages at the moment ) but hopefully a bit of studio time in the future will lead to it being in MP3 format!!!

*** PRAY ***