After break up situation

LegacyUser

Regular poster but im hiding my id.

Anyway broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years there the other day,we both decided it was the best thing to do,but am pretty devasted tbh.

Now one of my 'mates' is moving in on my ex. They were fond of each other before we got together and now they just seem to want to get together. They have been texting each other a lot, talking about our relationship and hes a sneeky b@stard so i cant believe a word he says to me.

Its my ex telling me all this and its hurting real bad.
How should i approch this, if they got together i wont be able to stand it.

Any advice on what I should, shouldnt do/say?
I want to deck him the next time i see him.

Gordon

Imo if you both decided to break up then she's fair game.

ozt9vdujny3srf

Meh, If you're not over her even though you both agreed to break up then this will sure as **** help.

Leave them too it. I'm sure you'd be better off not seeing either of them for a short period anyway.


Like Gordon said - she's fair game, and anyway, it takes 2 to tango.

Seraphina

yeah technically she is fair game, although i have to say i think it's bad form on your mates part.

speak to him about it, tell him you're a bit upset about the whole thing and you'd appreciate it if he laid of her for a while. ask him to give it some time and you'll be ok with it then

Crucifix

jimmy joe wrote:

I want to deck him the next time i see him.

Don't do this.
Anywho, she's free of ties to you, but he's still your mate, so if you feel you have to do something just talk to him in earnest, but to be honest if I were you I'd leave it alone.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

I personally think it's very very poor form on the part of your "mate" and your ex. It's one thing liking each other, but within a group of mates where you are involved, i would think that they should hold off for a bit. I know i would, and i also know that if i was in this situation with my ex, she would have held off aswell out of respect for each other

rambler

From what you have said, you seem to want to still hold on, maybe she is feeling the same, you know all things need work, maybe she is telling you this so you will start talking about you both again and maybe work on the weak links. If you talk to her and I am wrong then move on let her be, If you care anything about her you will want to see her happy and if the person who can do that is your buddy then so be it, Is better now for you to know this,

AARRRGH

This guy is not your friend. Be done with him and her. Both obviously do not give a **** about your feelings. It's harsh. Sorry to hear.

Get them out of your life and move on.

Hugh Hefner

It kinda sounds like he was moving in while you two were still together and that she planned to leave you for him. But that might just be the paranoid side of me talking.


If that's not how it is...

While I don't think she has any obligations to stay away from guys so soon after a break-up I do think that He's being a ****. If they really like each other, I'm talking early love here, then maybe just feel good for them but if, on the other hand, they're just horny then he's a tosser and you'd be well within your right s to ask him to take a step back, even for just a while.

Mr.Nice Guy

I think it's unacceptable for your 'friend' to go after your ex. Seems like this guy is in need of being dumped as well in my opinion...

WhiteWashMan

jimmy joe wrote:

Regular poster but im hiding my id.

Anyway broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years there the other day,we both decided it was the best thing to do,but am pretty devasted tbh.

Now one of my 'mates' is moving in on my ex. They were fond of each other before we got together and now they just seem to want to get together. They have been texting each other a lot, talking about our relationship and hes a sneeky b@stard so i cant believe a word he says to me.

Its my ex telling me all this and its hurting real bad.
How should i approch this, if they got together i wont be able to stand it.

Any advice on what I should, shouldnt do/say?
I want to deck him the next time i see him.

going on what you have said, it would appear that they were looking to hook up before you broke up.

of course, we all know that what you have written here is not the whole story, and is unlikely to be anywhere near what the real story is.

so, it just looks like they are hooking up, and youre in dumpsville.

of course, id probably strike him and her from your christmas greeting card list. i cant imagine either of them will be expecting one though...

otron

I agree with what previous posters have said about your mate not behaving like he should do. Your mates should be acting with your feelings in mind and not jumping your ex's bones.

What I would add is that I think that you have the right to expect some consideration from your ex also.

The idea that an ex can do ANYTHING after a break up is bull imo. If two people have any regard for each other, they still owe each other basic respect for a while, a couple of months anyway.

To me, this generally includes not rubbing someones nose in it if they have hooked up with someone else .. yes they are free to be with oter people, but you have the right to a dont-ask-dont-tell position while you get your head straight.

In the same vein, your ex should have more respect for you then to hook up with your mate, when its obvious that this would cause you upset.

If they are that keen, they should both respect you enough to wait a few months.

panda100

uh why is your ex telling you all about this-to me it sounds like she is trying to make you jealous.if she was really into him she would have kept it a secret from you but it seems she may be flaunting the fact that another guy is seriously in to her.

Damon22

Man, (AS BOVE) I presume it's not the full story BUT 3 years is a hell of a long time to just break up and move on, she's staying in your circle of "Friends" and rubbing your nose in it. Give it till Christmas and you'l be back with her!
And if she gets up on yer man, dont go near her with a barge pole.......who's got a barge pole?????

LegacyUser

panda100 wrote:

uh why is your ex telling you all about this-to me it sounds like she is trying to make you jealous.if she was really into him she would have kept it a secret from you but it seems she may be flaunting the fact that another guy is seriously in to her.

This is what i have started thinking. It was me that initiated(sp) the break up even though we both agreed it was for the best.ANd she didnt want to break up with me and go with him, I know that for fact.

If i went near any of her mates she would go crazy,I wouldnt do it out of respect for her.
In fact this happened to another couple in our group last xmas. Exact same situation and she was going crazy saying its not right and it was cruel on the other person etc. etc. and now she is doing exactly that.

jimmycrackcorm

otron wrote:

The idea that an ex can do ANYTHING after a break up is bull imo. If two people have any regard for each other, they still owe each other basic respect for a while, a couple of months anyway.
...
If they are that keen, they should both respect you enough to wait a few months.

This is total nonsense. For a start how long should they be waiting 2, 3 months? What's the rule here? What if the OP met the person of his dreams tomorrow and was happy- would they still have to wait the few "undefined" number of months?

The ex and mate aren't the problem, it was the relationship. Those two are fully entitled to find happiness together - they are not after all doing anything out of spite.

We don't own other people and once its over - it really is. Move on forward.

AARRRGH

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

This is total nonsense. For a start how long should they be waiting 2, 3 months? What's the rule here? What if the OP met the person of his dreams tomorrow and was happy- would they still have to wait the few "undefined" number of months?

The ex and mate aren't the problem, it was the relationship. Those two are fully entitled to find happiness together - they are not after all doing anything out of spite.

We don't own other people and once its over - it really is. Move on forward.

Yeah, but you don't expect your mates to do that. And it is pretty shocking to discover your ex is so heartless.

Better to not have people like this in your life!

otron

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

This is total nonsense. For a start how long should they be waiting 2, 3 months? What's the rule here?

Of course there is no solid rule .. Its down to many factors. Many people, in many situations, wouldn't feel the need to expect this sort of thing.. but I think it's important that your able to expect some sensitivity from your friend and from your ex.

Let me turn this around - at what level does this situation become unacceptable? If you get divorced from someone after 10 years, is it ok for your friend (or better yet, your brother) to move in on your ex-wife the following day?
I would hope that the answer to this question is a universal NO.

This isn't a pair of 12 year olds who kissed in the playground for a week. This is a 3 year relationship where the OP is clearly upset.

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

What if the OP met the person of his dreams tomorrow and was happy- would they still have to wait the few "undefined" number of months?

I think you might need to re-read my post.

I didn't say that there should be a few months before either party starts seeing someone else. I said that someone has a right to expect an Ex to be reasonably discreet about it and not, as I said, rub thier nose in it.

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

Those two are fully entitled to find happiness together - they are not after all doing anything out of spite.

Indeed, but shouldn't the OP be able to expect more respect for his feelings from his apparent friend and ex?

Im not talking about the ex radically changing her behaviour here. Im just saying (firstly) that if she starts seeing someone else relatively quickly, that the OP doesnt have to find out about this if he chooses not to ask questions.

Im also saying that the friend and Ex should have the consideration to wait a while.


On another note - I just re-read the original post and Im wondering if this could be a case of paranoia? I know from past experiences that the most crazy thoughts can go through your head post-breakup...

panda100

jimmy joe wrote:

This is what i have started thinking. It was me that initiated(sp) the break up even though we both agreed it was for the best.ANd she didnt want to break up with me and go with him, I know that for fact.

If i went near any of her mates she would go crazy,I wouldnt do it out of respect for her.
In fact this happened to another couple in our group last xmas. Exact same situation and she was going crazy saying its not right and it was cruel on the other person etc. etc. and now she is doing exactly that.

Oh oc-this is a clear and cut case-she is totally still mad into you and only doing this to make you jelous.Her little plan is obviously working!:) I dont think she is disrespecting you at all as i have done the same in the past when i was mad into the guy i broke up with.She said it was cruel herself so she's not intentionally trying to be mean to you but she's obviously quite heartbroken after the break up and people do mad things when there a hurtin inside!

Miguel_Sanchez

With friends like these eh?

If your friend has any respect for you he would not go after your ex-girlfriend so soon after you two breaking up. That's the long and short of it.

I was in a somewhat similar situation recently and have to say that it really showed my friend up for what he was. If you can't trust your friends to be respectful in situations like that then you can't trust them and are better off without.

As someone pointed out above, this is not kid's messing around, this is/was a serious relationship and you'd expect people to have the maturity to realise that you do not move in on people's ex-girlfriends/boyfriends so soon after a break up. It's just bad form.

LegacyUser

Got drunk with a few of my good mates tonight, was walking home on my own and i stumble across my 'mate". I basically told him to do what ever they felt like, and told him to tell her not to tell me about it, i couldnt give a **** tbh.

Plenty more fish and all that and i dont want to be with a girl that could be so heartless like this.

So mim feeling good, and a tad drunk, so maybe im not feeling good and its just the drink, but its all good at the moment and i going to get a good sleep, unlike last night.
Thanks for your opinions guys it was nice to hear peoples reactions and opions and advice on the matter.

OrlaOrla

she doesnt sound worth the hassle if shes gettin cosy with your so called mate. Leave them to it,have some fun and move on to some more deserving of you!

Keyzer

What about the code?

He shouldnt be going near her, and even if the ure was too much he should have at least spoke to you before hand....

If I were you I would burst the cockbag the next time I see him....

pdunno

Yeah I think it's bad form out of your mate. He should have more cop-on.

There are times in your life when you really need to be able to rely on your mates, breaking up with a long term partner is one. So for him to go carry on like this totally out of order imo. Obviously a dickhead - I'd have nothing to do with the ****

Zulu

Gordon wrote:

Imo if you both decided to break up then she's fair game.

You are fu(kin sh1tting me!?! 3 year relationship, barely broken up and she wants to be with his mate?
She's bang outta line.
His mate is bang outta line.
Case closed.

Buddy - walk away from the both of them and never look back. Your mate couldn't give a toss about you - he's more interested in getting his rocks off. And from the person who's supposed to have loved you/been your best mate for the last 3 years - nice betrayal. Real nice.

Gordon

Zulu wrote:

You are fu(kin sh1tting me!?!

No I'm not. Exactly how long would you be happy with if you were in the same situation Zulu?

Keyzer, please don't advocate violence on PI, thanks.

jimmycrackcorm

otron wrote:

Of course there is no solid rule .. Its down to many factors. Many people, in many situations, wouldn't feel the need to expect this sort of thing.. but I think it's important that your able to expect some sensitivity from your friend and from your ex.

If there is no rule bar a whimsy set of factors, then no invalidation. And what about sensitivity for the happiness of the friend and the ex - what if they are better suited together - does the OP have this overriding power to overrule this? should they hide it or be open and honest?

otron wrote:

Let me turn this around - at what level does this situation become unacceptable? If you get divorced from someone after 10 years, is it ok for your friend (or better yet, your brother) to move in on your ex-wife the following day?
I would hope that the answer to this question is a universal NO.

Well I disagree - might be upset about it but I wouldn't lose a brother oer it.

otron wrote:

This isn't a pair of 12 year olds who kissed in the playground for a week. This is a 3 year relationship where the OP is clearly upset.

He did instigate it and agreed it was the correct thing to do - he should live wiht his decision and move on. In later life he won't give a dan anyway.

I think you might need to re-read my post.

I didn't say that there should be a few months before either party starts seeing someone else. I said that someone has a right to expect an Ex to be reasonably discreet about it and not, as I said, rub thier nose in it.

Don't need to re-read. Again what is this discretionary rule you speak of? I also think it is not rubbing noses in.

Indeed, but shouldn't the OP be able to expect more respect for his feelings from his apparent friend and ex?

Im not talking about the ex radically changing her behaviour here. Im just saying (firstly) that if she starts seeing someone else relatively quickly, that the OP doesnt have to find out about this if he chooses not to ask questions.

The OP would be better off to concentrate on moving on and accepting the situation.

Im also saying that the friend and Ex should have the consideration to wait a while.

How long is a while - could be a lifetime.

On another note - I just re-read the original post and Im wondering if this could be a case of paranoia? I know from past experiences that the most crazy thoughts can go through your head post-breakup...

Could well be.... Still better off moving forward.

LegacyUser

Gordon and Jimmycrackcorn, have you ever been in a long term relationship?

Breaking up is tough and its tough for a while after, but the worst and most hurtfull thought that thought that comes to mind is your ex getting with somebody else. And i would say most people agree with me here?

I dont care if they get with each other, but jeez they could of given me a couple of weeks to sort my head out.

They are both being complete assholes about it, so this Friday everyone is going out for this "mates" birthday. im going to go on a scoreing rampage and make sure i get seen by the ex each and every time. Two can play that game.

i know its all going to end up in a fight at the end of the night as this has our group completly split and when were all pissed and feelings are hurting, the fiasco last xmas(which i explained in an earlier post) and this situation is going to get blown up.Im laying off the Jack Daniels anyway.

LegacyUser

Been there, done that. I'd say each to their own but I wouldn't do it to a friend of mine and I wouldn't consider someone who did it to me to be a friend of mine either. Sure you can advise the OP to move on, but it isn't easy to draw a curtain across 3 years, there's a lot of memories and emotions still tied up there.

The girls a fool if she's doing this to make the OP jealous, she'll create a situation which will destroy the trust and respect that any relationship should be founded on.

When I was in your position I wished both parties the best, told them I wouldn't feel comfortable being around them for a while, and promptly dropped out of both their lives and let them live their lives.

They broke up some months later, but I've no longer anything in common with them to be bothered with anything other than infrequent contact. Move on, but move on without them.

Zulu

Gordon wrote:

No I'm not. Exactly how long would you be happy with if you were in the same situation Zulu?

Well, I guess we're just inherently different people. Personally, I wouldn't be with any of my mates ex-girlfriends. Why? Respect for my mate. None of my mates have been with my last ex. Why? cause they are my mates. My ex wouldn't be with any of my mates. Why? Cause she'd consider my feelings. I wouldn't be with any of my ex's mates. Why? ... ...seeing a pattern here?

I guess, it would take me as long as it takes to get over an ex, before it becomes alright. So, for safety sake, say wait until he starts going out with someone else, then ask him if he's cool with it. He's your mate, if after all that, he's still throwing a wobbler, consider your friendship. Which is more important, a potential girlfriend or a jealous mate who can't let go?

Sam Vimes

same thing happened to me. the two of them would do stuff as 'friends' then she'd tell me about it and when i'd ask him about it he'd deny he'd been out with her. he also told her a load of lies about me, e.g. he's been prank calling/texting me and a few friends for about a year and a half since we told to to fook off, i'd swear he's spent hundreds in credit. to this day she thinks that i was prank calling him. she also thinks it was him who told us to fook off.

the only thing you can do in this situation is cut them both out of your life. she's not your girlfriend and anymore and he was never your friend.

Keyzer

Gordon wrote:

Keyzer, please don't advocate violence on PI, thanks.

I'm not advocating violence, Im stating my opinion on the matter...
The blokes "mate" and ex are hooking up with each other and dont give a crap about anyone else's feelings? Thats way out of order, big time.
These 2 asswipes think its ok to walk all over someone after they were in a relationship for 3 years?

The OP has every right imo to give this "mate" a few slaps, whether he does or not is up to him.
Im not telling him what to do, im not suggesting he should give him a hiding all im saying is, that I were in that situation I would find it very difficult to refrain from boxing the head off one of my mates, were I in that position, hypothetically speaking of course....

Gordon

Zulu wrote:

Well, I guess we're just inherently different people. Personally, I wouldn't be with any of my mates ex-girlfriends. Why? Respect for my mate. None of my mates have been with my last ex. Why? cause they are my mates. My ex wouldn't be with any of my mates. Why? Cause she'd consider my feelings. I wouldn't be with any of my ex's mates. Why? ... ...seeing a pattern here?

Indeed I am. That's all fair enough and I understand that. I, however, would not want to get in the way of a possible great relationship between my ex and a friend of mine. I think I see it as being a good friend to them to let go of my possessiveness and accept the fact that I dumped my ex and we all shouldn't waste our lives away waiting around. I find it very commendable that you feel that way but I view friendship differently. I'm guessing that we wouldn't remain friends for long irl Zulu

Nice to have differing views to consider and understand though.

jonny68

Gordon wrote:

Imo if you both decided to break up then she's fair game.

Put yourself in his shoes FFS would you feel your ex bird was "fair game" if you'd just broken up with her and your so called mate was moving in on her.

Id never talk to the cu*t again,it's one thing mayube quite sometime afterwards perhaps but straight away is just pure evil,id be lucky not to throttle him:mad:

Civilian_Target

jimmy joe wrote:

Breaking up is tough and its tough for a while after, but the worst and most hurtfull thought that thought that comes to mind is your ex getting with somebody else. And i would say most people agree with me here?

Hell no! Your ex- going with someone else is the best bit, it removes all the loose "what-if" ends...

Crucifix

Keyzer wrote:

The OP has every right imo to give this "mate" a few slaps, whether he does or not is up to him.

He doesn't have the right to instigate violence against anyone.

WhiteWashMan

jonny68 wrote:

Id never talk to the cu*t again,it's one thing mayube quite sometime afterwards perhaps but straight away is just pure evil,id be lucky not to throttle him:mad:

maybe you dont understand the bit about the 'ex' part?

it means there is no longer any connection.
she is allowed to see who she wants.
sure, it maybe quick, but maybe she is on the rebound, as no doubt the OP is.

who are you to say how long someone should wait before snogging people?
hell, ive broken up with girlfriends in the past and slept with someone that night.

is it the length of time you object to, or the fact that they these people are known?

there is no ownership here. the OP may view it as out of order, and i also believe that there should perhaps be more sublte ways of doing things, but at the end of the day, no matter what way you look at it, she can do whatever she likes.

i mean, what if the OP went out and scored some chick. what would the difference be?

jimmycrackcorm

jimmy joe wrote:

Gordon and Jimmycrackcorn, have you ever been in a long term relationship?

Not with Gordon in any case - unless of course gordon you were the chick I went out with for years. - If you are very crabbit then that might be a possibility.

However I am older and wiser and have a better perspective on life with a bit more experience. When you are madly in love with your next conquest - will you really give a damn then about your ex and mate? I doubt it. If it still hurts in ten years time then you know it is such a big deal as you are making out. I hope the search function still works then so you can refer back to this thread.

Breaking up is tough and its tough for a while after, but the worst and most hurtfull thought that thought that comes to mind is your ex getting with somebody else. And i would say most people agree with me here?

I'll certainly agree with you - but you have to live with it. We have no control over anyone else, just our own state of mind.

I dont care if they get with each other, but jeez they could of given me a couple of weeks to sort my head out.

Contradict yourself to your hearts content.

They are both being complete assholes about it, so this Friday everyone is going out for this "mates" birthday. im going to go on a scoreing rampage and make sure i get seen by the ex each and every time. Two can play that game.

assholes only to you - normally they might be a couple that like each other.

i know its all going to end up in a fight at the end of the night as this has our group completly split and when were all pissed and feelings are hurting, the fiasco last xmas(which i explained in an earlier post) and this situation is going to get blown up.Im laying off the Jack Daniels anyway.

Damn you J.D. - Damn you to hell. why do the group care - is everyone young and angry?

Gordon

Keyzer wrote:

I'm not advocating violence, Im stating my opinion on the matter...
The blokes "mate" and ex are hooking up with each other and dont give a crap about anyone else's feelings? Thats way out of order, big time.
These 2 asswipes think its ok to walk all over someone after they were in a relationship for 3 years?

The OP has every right imo to give this "mate" a few slaps, whether he does or not is up to him.
Im not telling him what to do, im not suggesting he should give him a hiding all im saying is, that I were in that situation I would find it very difficult to refrain from boxing the head off one of my mates, were I in that position, hypothetically speaking of course....

Sorry, I completely missed your post Keyzer.

Your post is advocating violence. Your opinion stated upon this thread is one of acceptance towards a violent means to an end, or a partial end, or just a very slow drawn out plaster-pull.

I care not about the whether-nots or the whether-tos of violence in this social situation because discussion of this sort of neanderthalic response is not allowed on PI at this present moment in time.

Please don't clutter up this thread with any more responses concerning this subject matter, either pm me or post a thread on Feedback about it.

jonny68 wrote:

Put yourself in his shoes FFS would you feel your ex bird was "fair game" if you'd just broken up with her and your so called mate was moving in on her.

I thought I answered that already.

I've had a fairly long relationship but not a 3 year one. I was completely and utterly crushed and heartbroken after the break. She broke up with me but even so, in this position if my best mate wanted to be with her then I would have tried my hardest to allow myself to accept it.

I'm not saying that it wouldn't have been extremely painful. Just as if it were on the other foot, as per the OP.

AARRRGH

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i mean, what if the OP went out and scored some chick. what would the difference be?

The difference is... it's his mate. Both are being highly unsensitive about the matter.

You can try to paint it whatever way you want: she's a free girl; it's a free world; a shag is a shag etc., but the reality is people are sensitive, people are aware of others feelings, and friends are supposed to be nice to each other, ex's are not supposed to try to bang ex's friends ASAP. It's just not...cool.

Gordon

dublindude wrote:

You can try to paint it whatever way you want: she's a free girl; it's a free world; a shag is a shag etc., but the reality is people are sensitive, people are aware of others feelings, and friends are supposed to be nice to each other, ex's are not supposed to try to bang ex's friends ASAP. It's just not...cool.

Poor old Jesus*, he'll never get laid with that attitude..

You know what, this is one of those unwritten rules I am presuming. I think that the people in the 'burn your friend in hell if he goes out with the girl you dumped' brigade should tell all their mates how they feel about this as it will stop any future problems that will exist. This way you can ditch any friend that has an opposing view or better still, train them not to touch your ex after break up. And I'll promise to ask my mates what they feel and think about this topic. However, judging by one or two incidents in the past - I think they know my stance on this one..


*or Jesus II depending on whether or not he did an Elvis on us

AARRRGH

It's not just an unwritten rule, it's basic manners and respect.

I'm not a violent person, but if the OP's mate got a serious smack for this, I would not feel it unwarrented.

The OP needs to get rid of both of these people from his life. They are not his friends.

Red Kooga

Gordon wrote:

I've had a fairly long relationship but not a 3 year one. I was completely and utterly crushed and heartbroken after the break. She broke up with me but even so, in this position if my best mate wanted to be with her then I would have tried my hardest to allow myself to accept it.

I'm not saying that it wouldn't have been extremely painful. Just as if it were on the other foot, as per the OP.

You've had ended up in the loony bin and hurt for years in reality.

I think the people defending the "mate" and the Ex's "right" to do this are living on a different planet or have never been in a significant reletionship.

To the OP ; She sounds like an úber cúnt of the highest order and your "mate" is a cockroach.

Hope things get better.