The Birds & The Bees

LegacyUser

When my husband and I were married, we decided that on the subject of the birds and the bees that he would speak to our son while I'd talk to the girls. However, we have gone our separate ways and he is now engaged again. He did manage to give "the talk" to our son when we were together, but now it's our daughter's time and it's something I was looking forward to doing with her was it wasn't the done thing in our time. Anyway, my point is, I've discovered that his fiancee has bought my girl a book on the birds and th bees and has gone through it with her and her younger sister. To say that I was/am annoyed would be an understatement. Do you not think that common sense would have dictated that she "but out" and let the mothering to the mother. We still have to get the the crucial girl/woman transformation yet. Do you think I should say something to my ex on the matter? He can be very hard to talk to unless he wants something done his way. How/what do I say?

[Jackass]

I can completely understand your frustration. It's a mothers role, and who the hell is this woman to come in and invade your family and space??! Right?

It's natural to feel threatend (wheter you admit it or not), but you can't be drawn into a bitter struggle, or arguing and putting your family in the middle...and don't forget these are your husbands kids too..and whoever he ends up with will be these kids step-mom!

Just like whoever you end up will be their step dad, and you'll want him to have full involement in your kids life too, ya?

So it's complicated, and always difficult for the person who gets left out on whatever occasion...what I will say though is that I feel it was disrespectfull to not even talk to you or discuss with you how this should be done, and it's not right. Did you leave it with your husband on bad terms?

If so, I would tell him he's a dick, if not I would tell him I was really disapointed and insulted, make a big issue out of that, without being agressive, keep a soft calm tone, and let him know that you wont be bypassed in the future, and that you want to be consulted on everything in the same way he would want to be consulted on everything. Tell him to show the respect he would excpect & deserve to recieve.

And hey, it's not to late to sit your daughter down and ask her how she got on with the book, does she understand it all, does she questions, how does she feel about it all? Give her a pep talk on what to expect and how best to deal with whatever it is you women go through in teens

gonker

I would be furious to say the least. I wonder why she did it.
Would your daughter have asked her? Did you ask her if she did. It doesnt sound like the kind of thing someone would do unless asked to!
I would say it to your ex surely thats a mother daughter thing, tell him how upset you are about it.

Mr.Nice Guy

I think you should let it be. I understand your frustration but what's done is done and making a big issue of it will only cause tension within the family which is not what your family needs.

Zombrex

anon mother wrote:

To say that I was/am annoyed would be an understatement.

I don't blame you, that is totally over stepping the mark. I am shocked the girlfriend even wanted to have that discussion with your daughter.

This woman is not a stranger to your husband. But when you think about it, no matter how much your ex-husband wants this new woman to be his new family, she is pretty much a stranger to you and your daughter. Yes they may get on, yes she may like her, but she is not family and she is certainly not your daughter new mother.

Even if this new woman is to be considered family, she certainly isn't "close family" .. Or put it another way, would your husband like it if you got your cousin or another distant relative to teach your children about sex?

I don't know your husband, or how you should handle this when talking to him, but I think you are prefectly right if you want to say that you think that was very inapprorate behaviour, and that the important parenting of your children should be done by their parents, not a stranger.

lazydaisy

Hi,

I would have PMd you this lengthy response but I couldnt see a way to do that.

I used to live with a guy who had daughters and even though I had a good relationship with them, I wouldn't have done that. I think you have a right to be annoyed. If one of them asked me a question [like his 6 yr old who kept asking what tampax are for], I would answer as honestly as I could with the minumum of info. Sometimes it's too scary to ask your mother something so you ask other adult women in your life. I certainly think the timing and approach of when to tell girls these things should be left to the mother or legal guardian. After all things like birth control, sexuality, and stuff come up during these conversations, or potentially can. Also - speaking as a adult child of divorce, one of the hardest things about accepting new partners in your parent's life is the consciousness that your parents are sexual. It's just icky. So I imagine you'd be hyper aware of that during a talk with your stepmom.

Do you have any kind of relationship with your ex partner's girlfriend? Its probably best if you talk to her directly about it. You just have to tell her that you'd prefer it if sexuality were something you talked to them about. Depending on the relationship she has with your ex... she is or could be family eventually. She will be the second most influential woman in your kids life, you being the first, if she lives with or is married to your husband. I know .... it's hard. It wasnt a role I was comfortable with at all myself and its oh so political....I would talk to her directly also emphasizing that you want everyone to have a good relationship with each other. She may just be looking for ways to bond with them, but there are a million other ways she can do it.

Hugh Hefner

Yeah, she overstepped. You don't have to be a mother to see that. If you don't want to bring it up with your ex then maybe just sit down and have a relaxed chat about it with her. Just explain that you were always looking forward to it (something I can't understand) and that you'd like her to let you take over.

Beruthiel

anon mother wrote:

Do you think I should say something to my ex on the matter? He can be very hard to talk to unless he wants something done his way. How/what do I say?

damn right you should talk to him.
what should you say?
well last time you looked, you were the mother of this child and it is your job to bring her up and teach her as you see fit.
if his partner wants to teach life skills to a child let her have her own.
Tell him there will be war if she does it again.
I'd be livid if my ex's partner had done this, she didn't, probably knew better as I would have had no problem telling either of them what I think. I'm nasty when crossed
Nip it in the bud now as there will be many other situations in your daughters life when you should be consulted by your ex on matters relating to your daughter.
My ex always had the foresight to phone me to discuss our daughter and visa versa. Tell him you would rather do this from now on.
best of luck

g'em

If he's the kind of guy who you can sit down and have a rational conversation with ( and he doesn't tbh) then yes, have a chat, let him know it wasn't her place and could he gently let her know that you are, and always will be, the kids' mom.

My own parents are separated and my Dad has a long-term partner, soon to be step-mom. Obvisouly I'm a lot older than your kids are but regardless of how old I am, my mom is still my mom, and no-one will replace her. She'll still be my first port of call when I'm in trouble or need advice. There's been times when my Mum has had issues with Dad and his missus 'taking over' some family situations, but Mum knew that talking to him about it would be fruitless and inevitably me and my brother would get caught up in it, so she let it be, but was understandably angry.

Talk to your daughter, ask her does she understand everything and see if there's anything she wants to talk about again. Just make sure that if you DO talk to your ex about it, make sure it doesn't end up as a loyalty war for the kids. The ex's missus was WAY out of order for doing it, she may have had all good intentions at heart, but it was overtepping the mark by a long shot, and that kind of behaviour will win her no friends.

And trust me, kids are clever, they'll see though it too, they know who their Mum is and they'll never forget it. Good luck

LegacyUser

To all of you who took time out to reply to my whimpering, thank you so much for your comments.

It is nice to know that I'm not going completely off the rails over this and to the see the male/female/child points of view.

I actually spoke to my daughter last night and gently broached the subject. Seems she's not too put-out by it so I'm going to let it lie. We did go into a little detail and she said that she'd come to me for the next bit (picture mother grinning like cheshire cat) when that time came. Didn't see any point in making an issue out of it as it would have only gone back to him and I'd end up having a conversation with him that I don't want.

Smaller daughter said she didn't want to know anything about these things yet "cause I'm too young", so I told her that when she wanted to talk that I'd be there. She said grand and went back playing.

Sorry for the rant
MOTHER OF 3 (happy)

Beruthiel

anon mother wrote:

Didn't see any point in making an issue out of it as it would have only gone back to him and I'd end up having a conversation with him that I don't want.

perhaps
but, again I will say, this will not be the last time, there will be many issues with regards to your daughters in the future.
I would lay down ground rules if I were you and I would also insist that in the future, if there is something to be sorted out, then you expect him to consult you, as the mother of your children.
It's important that you are both on the same page with regards to this and future problems.
I assure you, speaking as the mother of a 17 year old and in the same position as yourself, there will be times in your childrens lives when you both need to be on the same page and able to have a civil conversation, now is the time to make the future path easier.

g'em

anon mother wrote:

Smaller daughter said she didn't want to know anything about these things yet "cause I'm too young", QUOTE]



And its not whimpering, its concern. So glad you feel better about the situation.