Cant get it out of my head

LegacyUser

Hi all.Im a regular user of site but going anon for this.Im in my mid twenties and still in uni.goin back 4 years ago i met this girl(who lived nearby but never met before) in col & we got together.before i got with her people in the class thought of her as a slapper cas she hung around with a fairly dumb slutty blonde who kinda brought her down a childish slutty path.But i knew she was different and when we got together the real person came out.she was never a slapper,I was the first person she slept with.She was kind,funny,sweet and gorgeous etc.We both fell for one another,spent all our time together for 4years,UNTIL she finished college,moved away & gota new job and place to stay.saw her most weekends & I thought we were fine.

After a few weeks away,one weekend in the summer she told me she met this fella out and he made a pass at her,she wanted to kiss him back but didnt.We argued over it,I told her i was fine about it but she wanted a break which i didnt give her.anyhow a couple of days later she ended the relationship over the phone when she was miles away.couldnt believe it.I begged her back,I begged her to talk to me but got nothing only horrible comments back.i got an email then saying sorry after a couple of weeks,saying that "she still loved me & missed me but wasnt in love with me" & "she wanted us to be friends". I overstepped the mark after that,did stupid things like listen to her voicemails,even met her mam on street & talked to her bout it. Anyhow things have been said,she's even gone on a foreign holiday with her new friend(only knew 3 months at the time) and we dont talk now.

We spent all our time together while we were together,and now Ive f**k-all real mates,no passtimes &no interest in socializin or passtimes(believe me ive tried).my heart broke but im gettin over that bit.Shes still in my head and I start thinking was this girl really in love with me for 4 years(sent love letters,told me every nite on phone,family & friends loved her etc) or was she really wat some people thought of her b4 i was with her, was it all a lie? I know i shouldnt be thinkin like this but it still enters my head. Tryin best to move on but cant get her outa my head.

ferdi

its possible to fall out of love, as its possible to fall in. if she didnt love you she wouldnt have stayed for 4 years, especially not when youz were in college when she would have had plenty of oppertunity to get with someone else.

be happy that you had time with a girl you loved and who loved you back, your luckier than you know.

Femelade

i'm sorry to hear all that. Its hard i know but i guess you just have to move on. i wouldnt go thinking now that she was a slapper and lied to you for four years. She loved you too, but it didnt work out. There really is nothing you can do and i doubt there was anything you couldve done to prevent this from happening. yeah, you could've given her the space she needed, but its hard to do that when you are in love with someone i know.
She probably just fell "out of love " with you.
The best thing you can do is move on and find someone you deserve.
That's a hard thing to do initally, i've been there myself and it took me a very long time to get back on my feet and gain some proper friends afterwards, but believe me you will be fine in no time.

LegacyUser

ferdi wrote:

its possible to fall out of love, as its possible to fall in. if she didnt love you she wouldnt have stayed for 4 years, especially not when youz were in college when she would have had plenty of oppertunity to get with someone else.

be happy that you had time with a girl you loved and who loved you back, your luckier than you know.

alot of people have said that to me but I disagree. I was never interested in relationships til she came along, I got to know how great a person she could be and so did my family. From being on such a high( i know its corny but I did love her,and she did love me) to now her not even talking to me is a rotten feelin. She really was all my life,which wasnt healthy but we really were bestmates as well, and I cant even have that. I rang her while she was on her holidays(it had been 3 weeks since I last talked to her, dont ask me why I just did) and i couldnt speak. I got a text later on that week saying "she didnt miss me,or us,tellin me to get the f**k over it,and that she's havin more fun than she had in years".

So it went from nearly 4 years of writing love letters&being with her everyday,

to being dumped over phone & requesting to be friends(saying she missed me and still loved me but not IN love with me),

to telling me to get lost and that she doesnt care and doesnt want to be friends.

Its probably for the best were not talking, but I hate this empty feeling, i hate hating her and I hate being lonely. Probably gonna get slated now and gonna be told to get over it and get on with it....believe you me i tried.

Red Alert

it really wasn't a good idea to listen to her voicemails or talk to her mother for that matter. you really shouldn't have done that i'm afraid.

other than that it's quite easy to fall out of love, just as it's very easy to fall in love. often a bad (or not necessarily) event makes somebody realise that they're no longer in love with their other half.

Canis Lupus

She moved away and got a new life.
She doesn't like you anymore.
You got all psycho on her.
She no longer wants to know you.

You f**ked up. Now move.

Jesper

This is a sad story. Sh!t happens like this though.
Buddy move on. That bridge is well and truly burnt, no going back now.
Try not think about it.
Stop going nuts.
We've all had times where you just can't see things ever been better again. It will. Change job or pick up a hobby etc for something to do.

dundalk cailin

u seen that she was different than the person people thought she was, dont go doubting those four yrs together, cherish the good times and move on

LegacyUser

Canis Lupus wrote:

She moved away and got a new life.
She doesn't like you anymore.
You got all psycho on her.
She no longer wants to know you.

You f**ked up. Now move.

is that supposed to help?
you cud reply to most threads on PI saying that
defeats the whole purpose dont you think
Now, Im gettin out of PI before Im noticed!!

LegacyUser

dundalk cailin wrote:

u seen that she was different than the person people thought she was, dont go doubting those four yrs together, cherish the good times and move on

Move on? Ive tried cryin it out my system, drinkin and clubbin it out of my system, ignoring it and throwing myslef into college work and my partime job...but no matter what I do its still in my head. I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to make this better but 2bh its been a while now and i think i should be doing better. its one thing trying hard and putting a brave face on, but when its on your mind every 2 seconds it really gets to you. I know its not healthy and I should just cop on, but i honestly cant help thinking about it all the time. may be time is what i need. hope it stops before Christmas.

LegacyUser

It doesn't sound like you're giving yourself the chance to get past this.

Don't be so hard on yourself. There's no definite time scale for how long it should take to get over a break-up.

It's very easy when you really fall for someone to lose yourself in the relationship and turn your whole existence into "us" but try and remember the things that made you tick before this happened. Breaking up with someone you've shared so much with does leave you feeling lost and empty but I'm sure you'll find you do still have friends, hobbys and interests.

In my experience sometimes it pays to put on a happy face because after a while it starts to feel natural again.

LegacyUser

I do still have mates n interests, its just she is always on my mind. When i did indulge in other stuff (drinkin with mates,football etc) she was always there and when it was over she was someone i could be with( share everyday thoughts with etc). I know im moaning now but just expressing how i felt n how im feelin now.Just gotta get used to bein single and get over it I suppose

audge

Now Look, I know your hurting, and breaking up is never easy, especially when the other party seems to have moved on so fast, but she is not a slapper, you know that, and even though I don't know you, I am disgusted that you even felt the need to ask that question.
How could she be a slapper? You where the first person she selpt with, and you where together for 4 years, as you far as you know, you may be the only man she has ever slept with!
You loved this woman, maybe you still do love her, you two ahd wonderfuly times together, but sadly, first loves rarely last, I imagine this girl is in her early 20's approx, so in her defense, all the changes you view so negatively, are actually perfectly normal and natural.
I am sorry that your hurting, but if her heart is not in it, would you really want her to stay in the relationship for your sake???

With regard to you having no friends, you would amazed at how easy you isolate yourself from old pals when you get into a relationship. I am in a relationship now, and sometimes I fear I may cut myself off from my social circle, so I try to make an effort to keep communication lines open as much as possible, and that my boyfriend does the same.

However, I think if you where to get out the phone book and call a few old friends you would be surprised at how welcoming they can be, and supportive - of course they will probably do the lad thing and take you out on the beer, throwing you at random young women in an attempt to help you get over your ex - and maybe thats what you need.

Only you know where you are right now, if a rebound sounds good, I suggest you rebound off the walls, personally, when myself and my boyfriend broke up for a while about 2 years ago, I threw myself into my studies and career, so I chose the proactive route.. but you know whats best for you, and you will have a hard core social circle in no time.

Just do me a favour, please don't question your ex's virtue again, its not fair on her, and it will probably taint your memory of your relationship.

LegacyUser

audge wrote:

Now Look, I know your hurting, and breaking up is never easy, especially when the other party seems to have moved on so fast, but she is not a slapper, you know that, and even though I don't know you, I am disgusted that you even felt the need to ask that question.
How could she be a slapper? You where the first person she selpt with, and you where together for 4 years, as you far as you know, you may be the only man she has ever slept with!
You loved this woman, maybe you still do love her, you two ahd wonderfuly times together, but sadly, first loves rarely last, I imagine this girl is in her early 20's approx, so in her defense, all the changes you view so negatively, are actually perfectly normal and natural.
I am sorry that your hurting, but if her heart is not in it, would you really want her to stay in the relationship for your sake???

With regard to you having no friends, you would amazed at how easy you isolate yourself from old pals when you get into a relationship. I am in a relationship now, and sometimes I fear I may cut myself off from my social circle, so I try to make an effort to keep communication lines open as much as possible, and that my boyfriend does the same.

However, I think if you where to get out the phone book and call a few old friends you would be surprised at how welcoming they can be, and supportive - of course they will probably do the lad thing and take you out on the beer, throwing you at random young women in an attempt to help you get over your ex - and maybe thats what you need.

Only you know where you are right now, if a rebound sounds good, I suggest you rebound off the walls, personally, when myself and my boyfriend broke up for a while about 2 years ago, I threw myself into my studies and career, so I chose the proactive route.. but you know whats best for you, and you will have a hard core social circle in no time.

Just do me a favour, please don't question your ex's virtue again, its not fair on her, and it will probably taint your memory of your relationship.

fair enough! point taken, n i agree. I left out alot of information as to how we broke up(or how she ended it) but thats water under the bridge now I suppose. time to move on eh? thanks all.

Fraggle

Oh dear.Poor you.One thing that did stand out in your first post was that she told you she had wanted to kiss someone else.ALARM BELLS.Although she didn't go through with it, this was surely the point of no return.Perhaps you glossed over this issue initially and believed things would be the same again. Sometimes we believe what we want to believe.

I broke up with an ex-boyfriend last year after being together 3 1/2 years.I asked in my distressed state (I got dumped) if he ever thought we would get back together...he said "Maybe a few years down the line, you never know..."It gave me a glimmer of hope.

Six months later...new town,new job,new friends,new life...woohoo, you couldn't pay me to get back with him!!!I guess I was lucky that life brought me on a entirely different path.Who knows what lies ahead for you?Believe in serendipity.Take it as a life lesson.Your relationship with her couldn't have been healthy if it caused you to lose touch with friends etc.I believe you lost touch with YOURSELF.It may take a few weeks, months or perhaps a year but you will soon rediscover the things that make you happy.Relying on one single person to make you happy is an easy thing to happen.But detrimental...Be confident that you can be happy in yourself and by yourself.You're gonna be just fine.

Zombrex

I know this probably isn't going to sound helpful, but you have to want to move on before you actually can, and tbh you don't sound like you really do want to move on. I know you have said you don't want to feel like this anymore, but you still are going on about how she really really hurt you etc, when all she did was break up cause she moved away. It sounds like you were obsessed with her more than in love with her. Perhaps she filled a void in your life. There was a time in college where I didn't know many people so I got a girlfriend, and when that ended I was devistated, even though we only went out a few weeks. i realise now that i wasn't devestated over losing her, I was devestated over losing the feeling of acceptance and fulfilment being with her gave me. Judging form your post you do seem more obessed with her leaving than her herself. Do you even know why exactly you loved her, what exactly it is that she was that no one else is?

Also you are still obsessing over did she love me, how could she do this to me etc etc and that isn't healthy. The first thing you need to realise is that she did nothing wrong.

I suggest you go see a local or college councilor, discuss this stuff with him/her, and try and move passed it. Try and figure out what is missing in your life that she filled and that is no gone, cause no offense but I am pretty sure you don't actually miss her as much as you think you do.

DontKnowMuch

Wicknight wrote:

I know this probably isn't going to sound helpful, but you have to want to move on before you actually can, and tbh you don't sound like you really do want to move on. I know you have said you don't want to feel like this anymore, but you still are going on about how she really really hurt you etc, when all she did was break up cause she moved away. It sounds like you were obsessed with her more than in love with her. Perhaps she filled a void in your life. There was a time in college where I didn't know many people so I got a girlfriend, and when that ended I was devistated, even though we only went out a few weeks. i realise now that i wasn't devestated over losing her, I was devestated over losing the feeling of acceptance and fulfilment being with her gave me. Judging form your post you do seem more obessed with her leaving than her herself. Do you even know why exactly you loved her, what exactly it is that she was that no one else is?

Also you are still obsessing over did she love me, how could she do this to me etc etc and that isn't healthy. The first thing you need to realise is that she did nothing wrong.

I suggest you go see a local or college councilor, discuss this stuff with him/her, and try and move passed it. Try and figure out what is missing in your life that she filled and that is no gone, cause no offense but I am pretty sure you don't actually miss her as much as you think you do.

This is a wonderful post, Wicknight.
I can relate my own story with the one from the OP.
It´s a very painful time in our lives. The only advice i can give you is this : don´t let yourself go. I know it´s hard, sometimes i feel like quiting, sometimes i just wanna go to sleep and wake up a month from now.....but you cannot loose the joy of living. DON´T LET YOURSELF GO, BOY.

LegacyUser

To say I had no mates and didn’t socialize with my mates while I was with her isn’t completely true, yet 5/6 nites a week were spent with her. I had loadsa mates in college both in my class and outside of it, but we just enjoyed one another’s company all the time so we never saw it as issue.

With regards to the ALARM BELLS goin off, about 6 or 7 weeks before the break-up, she said to me “sometimes I feel funny when we kiss, that we’re becoming just friends, like I’m kissing my best friend”…the next day after her saying this we went to the beach. I confronted her about what she said the day before. She told me “I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday”. I went to end it there and then, told her she had doubts about us and I wasn’t having anymore of it (was just testing the waters). She balled her eyes out and begged for me to take me back, she fell to the ground and the tears wouldn’t stop. After 15 mins I took it back, she told me she loved me n never to leave her etc…..

For nearly 2 months after that every weekend I thought things were better than ever. That’s why I was a little puzzled. She didn’t fill any void as such when she came into my life, but now she’s gone she has left a little one, after all she was my best mate and d love of my life for a good 4 years. I don’t think I need counselling, just needed to offload some of what I’m thinking and feeling here. I know its over and maybe it’s a little pointless sayin all this out here, but I miss what we had and I hate being single. This also may sound stupid and pointless but can never get that first love back or that first person ya trusted. Its done and dusted and I have to forget about it. Obsessed no, and anyone who can say that after we were together 4 years really doesn’t have a clue.

LegacyUser

Hey! Its not all bad trust me. The girl of my dreams left me not so long ago, for someonelse I assumed. I never saw here again, it was a complete shock I never expected it at all. Without tryin to sound incest (that’s for all the smart asses out there)she was like a sister as such. She lived with my family for a while, we went backpacking together for 3 months one year, I really loved her and in my mind and heart I made her the love of my life. I too received those love letters, pages long full of promises and words that express feelings you expected would last forever. But, no matter what is said and done, if nothing at all, people change. Or more to the fact feelings changed. I cried for months (and to some it seemed foolish and irrational but I guess those are the ones that never felt real love), and I’m not ashamed or sorry that I cried. You have to grieve because that’s what it is, a grieving process. The person you loved and cherished, (and forgive me) probably were obsessed about may still be alive and living life as best she can, but the spark and feelings between you is dead. So it is like someone, or more to the point something is now dead.

I stayed at home in my room, felt sorry for myself for too long. My advice is to cry and shout if you need to and let it all out, but at the same time don’t shy away from life and being happy. That girl may have hurt you, disrespected you, robbed you blind, but whatever she did to you she did it because she wanted to and there is nothing you can do about it. Try and I mean REALLY TRY to get on with things. Try not to think of her and when you do push it out of your mind or it will it you up inside. Be happy, and if you’re not happy pretend to be when around loads of people. If ya need to cry, cry to yourself or a good mate, don’t wear your heart on your sleeve 24-7. The one thing I do regret is not having the strength to get out there, the confidence to make new friends and the will to have more fun

LegacyUser

I have tried qwertie and bertie. Tried to last night as it happens. Was out with a good mate from school and a few of his friends from his college and it was shht. Was all brave face, laughin and joking etc when deep down I wanted to cry and sometimes lash out. I missed having that person there around me, that comfort and that 1 person I could rely on, while she was probably out somewhere else not thinking of me and in the arms of someother bloke or laughing the night away. Im just completely miserable. I think I should be feeling better at this stage.

We got on great together but Im not one for the niteclubs. Don’t get me wrong I love watchin the matches with the lads in the pub etc…but Saturday nites in the clubs don’t really appeal to me, and know Im thinking maybe those 4 years were just too serious and boring for her. How am I going to move on from this, seriously? Ive tried crying it out of my system, ive tried going out getting pisd and shifting one or two girls etc… but really I just miss my best friend, being in love and being comfortable. Im never gonna get that back

Can’t seem to let go, its killing me. Im not tryin to over dramatic here this is honestly how I feel.

LegacyUser

Canis Lupus wrote:

She moved away and got a new life.
She doesn't like you anymore.
You got all psycho on her.
She no longer wants to know you.

You f**ked up. Now move.

oh that's mature! why bother looking in here if your going to reply to poeple like that. Cop on and go share your 'advice' with yourself in the mirror.

LegacyUser

u did go a little physco but nothing really wrong with that. all breakups are not plain sailing, i've had two major ones in my time and they both hurt. I have been dumped and haved dumped someone and neither are great experiences. I suggest ringing the samaritons and talking it out with them, or go around to a friends house whom you really trust and talk about it til you bore yourself to death.


the oldest cliches are in fact true

"time is a healer"

"plenty more fish in the sea"

just live life and be happy. keep her in your heart and stay strong

LegacyUser

guestxyz wrote:

oh that's mature! why bother looking in here if your going to reply to poeple like that. Cop on and go share your 'advice' with yourself in the mirror.

Agreed. Far too bloody harsh.

LegacyUser

I have been there also. and tbh half the people on boards have been there while the other half always wanted to experience what we had. I was with a girl for a long long long time,longer than you. We were together through college,same lectures,same dinner breaks etc. We travelled together for 6 months across Europe, even got engaged. 2 months after the engagement she ended our relationships for reasons i do not understand. She said she was too young at 24 to settle down. We never lived together in Ireland, my only living experience was on holiday with her but I loved it.

I to recieved those smitten loveydovey letters in the post, or hidden in the bottom of my bag etc. I to was told I love you every day for years but it does happen. I havent seen her in a year and I think about her all the time still (you didnt want to hear that but im bh). I miss her, I miss being in a relationship, I miss being able to tell people Ive a girlfriend and she loves me.

The key thing is you are exactly like me. Yes you loved her but you were a little obsessed which is ok. you were DEPENDANT on her. you were not INDEPENDANT in the relationship. It was all about the two of you, the "us" factor. Now she has broken that link, and that is her choice. You have to find yourself,dig deep and sort your head out. because if you don't it will wear you down and tear you apart.

Ask anybody here that has been on PI, they will say the same. You had a great experience, keep the memorys, stay friends with the girl life is too short, but find yourself. Try and find yourself.

Aliasy

yes you become dependant and when the dreaded day comes along that she's gone out of your life and that she has made a new life for herself you just blow a fuse. It happened to me and I too went into hiding. I dropped all my friends when i was with my squeeze and I loved her so much I still do. She is gone a long time now and it does still hurt and I do still think about her but it gets better. you have to look at yourself and realise she is not coming back. If you are prepared to face the truth you will deal with the situation more quickly.

Look at it like this

you were in love, her love for you got you out of the bed in the mornings and made you sleep soundly at night. you spent all your freetime together and it was paradise. She beigns to see that there is more to life or the love for you fades in time. She ends it after days or weeks of pondering if and how she should do it. She didnt just say I dont love anymore starting from today, it happens and there is no right or wrong its life. I have been stung by this and I hid away for far too long DO NOT DO THAT. Do you want to spend the next few months tormenting your family and friends,worrying the people you care about and not living life? You have to get a life really. I know thats cruel thing to say but if you actually look at waht that means it is exactly what you need to do. It is a sad story and it is the worse feeling in the world. to care for somebody,let them into your heart and love them; and then they break your heart and ruin those little plans you had in your head in life. Its a horrible time but do not fall deeper into depression over it. I feel for you, but thats all anyone here can do. Its up toyou now.