#1 and #2

ombak

# 1

And my arms are goldfish,
Black and silver scaled,
Swimming up the arteries of time toward you.

And my fingers are bay horses,
Twelve thundering hooves,
Dragging me in gallop onto your white plains.

And my penis a lotus,
Flowering in your presence,
Petalled and blossoming in unconscious glory.

And my still body a fjord,
Deeply cut and water swollen,
It’s hard scars tumbling below the clouds.

And my thoughts Russian dolls,
Sorrowful stories in stern faces,
Hidden each in the other’s fold.

And my lips are a songbird,
It’s plumage rain sodden,
Singing alone from the crook of a tree.

And my eyes are children’s tongues,
Learning for the first time,
The burden and loss of all that’s forbidden,

And my mind is a pulpit,
Which damns me when I am weak,
Yet only then do I find the strength to destroy it.

And my heart is fruit swollen,
In the bottom of a bag,
Bloodied and broken all over these words.

And you are you alone,
So I say will you stay,
Not abandon me to my life’s imperfections.

But this poem is an ending,
You left while I was sleeping,
And first light finds me anew.





# 2

Not blood flows in me but brine,
Not thoughts rise up in me but waves,
Not memories haunt me but reef-wrecks.

I sometimes dream of man,
Until in his body I find myself.

And such strangeness there I weep,
To be everyone yet alone;
An ocean with boundaries,
A sea walking with death.

jimmidy_cricket

I prefer #2 its short and simple. I don't like the way #1 starts every stanza with "And my" because I don't like repition, although it may not work without it.

I also don't like the imagery of a lotus flower blosoming, because first I picture an insect and then as I read on realise its a lotus flower you mean (not the insect) and well I just wouldn't associate the two, I can't envisage a penis flowering, its a weak stanza.

ombak wrote:

# 1


And my penis a lotus,
Flowering in your presence,
Petalled and blossoming in unconscious glory.

But like I said, i did enjoy # 2