Untitled

pbsuxok1znja4r

I wrote this piece as a perspective on the jealous/envious/egotistical "little guy" (Lol, yep, that's me alright)...Kind of a Lars Ulrich type of thing, if you know what I mean...The man who would be King, etc. Not the 'deepest' of pieces, but, meh, this is what I was going for...
Here she is:


You sit atop your throne tonight, a
Shining beacon, exuding light.
Far, wide, we rank-and-file hail
King Conceit - the alpha-male.

You; most prime,
Stalwart and industrious;
Your right to rule
Supercedes all of us.

You, my foil; infallible,
Peerless, redoubtable.
Your claim on this dominion
Is both divine and natural.

King Confident;
Atĕ's champion.
What a veritable phenomenon
Thou art.

My heart writhes as I watch. A
World pays tithes; in awe of you.
Mine is a view to a
Crown and a fan-girl's muse.

You're everyone's favourite and
My ego can't stand it.

...I am Hektor's Polydamas.

Like
Unferth to Beowulf;
Poseidon to Zeus,
Emerald eyes despise
Such a regal abuse.



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As you can see, I've basically just stolen a load of superlatives from heroic epics and made 'em sound sarcastic, lol.

Any and all feedback is very much appreciated.

snuffles

Cool, rhyming poetry is difficult without making it singsong and childish, but it works well here.
I'm not sure what I think of lines ending with "a". The eye kinda stumbles on them, makes it hard to read.

You; most prime,
Stalwart and industrious;
Your right to rule
Supercedes all of us.

You, my foil; infallible,
Peerless, redoubtable.
Your claim on this dominion
Is both divine and natural.

These two stanzas, for me, are probably the weakest, the long words forced me to stop and think about what you're actually trying to say, I'm sure the idea of "stalwart and industrious" could be got across with a simple image that isn't such a brainful (like mouthful only... in the brain...). You also lose something of the sarcastic edge and the whole thing has no musical quailty.

Apart from that, I really like this, the first verse especially and these lines:

You're everyone's favourite and
My ego can't stand it.

pbsuxok1znja4r

Cheers man, thanks for the comment.
Yeah, about the "a"s at the end of lines. I'm not stressing these words, the emphasis is (for the most part) on the first word in each line. I just tend to structure the lines in a weird way like that.
Yeah, I agree, the 2nd and 3rd verses are lacking in the sarcastic tone I was aiming for.

lilmissprincess

I like it. Can' tunderstand half the words, but I like it.