Fighting with BF

LegacyUser

My bf and I are fighting about something that happened at the weekend. We were out with some of his friends and I was having a bad week and I ended up saying some things that I wished I hadn't. He was meeting some friends, one of which he hadn't seen in a while and he wanted me to come along. I had some other stuff to do and I suggested that he go alone but he wanted me to come as he had been working a lot and he wanted to spend time with me too.

Tbh, I wasn't in the mood to go I was feeling incredibly low, a lot of things had been piling up on me and I just felt broken. But I didn't want to disappoint him, and I also hoped that going out would help cheer me up.

Unfortunately as soon as I met them I put my foot in it. One of his friends brought up something that I was down about, in a nice way, but I was really annoyed that my bf had been talking about me and I made a stupid sarcastic comment that made it obvious I was annoyed with my bf. I hadn't meant to say it and I immediately felt awful about it. Everyone was left feeling uncomfortable. I apologised to my bf, and the girl whose comment had unwittingly bothered me and I hoped that might be the end of it.

But later in the night on two occasions some of his friends said something that really upset me. Things that I felt were very critical of me and I got really defensive. I honestly had this feeling that I was being ganged up on and I didn't handle it well. If I had been in a normal mood I would have handled it better, I might never have felt criticised in the first place. Or maybe if I hadn't altered the mood from the start his friends might never have started talking to me the way they did. On both occasions I was very defensive. I don't think I said anything out of order, I do think my tone came across as rude.

I was feeling bad about it at the time and afterwards. I was annoyed with myself for acting and reacting in the way that I did. But I was also upset with what they said to me. They were critical of the kind of home I'm hoping to buy and how I chose it, which I think is none of their business. And 1 of them was very dismissive of my old job.

When we were at home I asked my bf if the next time he was talking to his friends he would apologise for me and explain that I had just had an incredibly hard week and wasn't handling it very well. Everything was fine until last night when my bf did just that. He rang me afterwards and told me that I had really pissed them off, not only in what I said to them but also in how I had treated my bf.

I accept that I was in the wrong, but some of what they said really hurt me. I wasn't expecting an apology, but I had at least thought they would just say something like, "fair enough, lets just forget about it." What's really getting to me though is that my bf refuses to see that they might have done anything wrong. We can't stop fighting about this. I just want my bf to see that I wasn't 100% wrong, and to understand why I feel their refusal to just let this go is upsetting me so much.

Am I entirely wrong? But it just feels like my bf has no respect for me and I don't know what to do.

Jim10000

Without knowing the details it's hard to judge whether the friends have a right to hold a grudge after you apologised (twice!) or not... were you REALLY sarcastic or rude to your boyfriend?

Having said that though, unless you behaved terribly, and it doesn't sound like you did, I think your boyfriends' mates should be a bit more grown up about it and accept your apologies and explanation.
Everyone has bad days and might take things which weren't meant to be hurtful personally and they should know that. (and it sounds like you had a right to be a bit sarcastic anyway if they were rude to you about your house etc. (but like i say, obviously i don't know exactly what was said))

Anyway, regardless of who was right or wrong, unless you said something absolutely awful (don't think so) they should cop on and forget about it.... why did thay even tell your boyfriend about how upset they were with you when he passed on your apologies to them? Why couldn't they just accept it and leave it at that?

Beruthiel

I cannot give a fair comment without knowing what was said in the first place

shakaman

Your bf was out with his friends and generally when lads are out with their mates they tend to talk about their relationship and it's ups and downs. I don't agree with being sarcastic with him about talking to his friends about things which may have upset you during the week and probably in turn upset him.

Now I must sympathise with you on the part where his friends have said things to wind you up directly, in that case I think your bf should have stood and told them they were out of order.

It's not entirely clear from your mail how rude you were to your b/f (You went to the trouble of explaining in length how bad a wekk you had so I'm guessing the sarcasm was fairly obvious) but that's probably the core of why you're not getting and apology from his friends, remember they're his mates and no one likes to see a friend bein snapped at by his gf in front of a crowd. Perhaps this is the reason they made their comments later on in the night. An apology from them is highly unlikely.

Now the main question is what is there to be gained from fighting about this wiht your bf. You've done your apologising and got nothing in return why not just move on and enjoy things with your bf again?

dudara

It's hard to know what you said or how rude you were, as we don't have all the details. It's just too general to comment upon

dramaqueen

To be honest with you, it's hard to say without knowing the details but if his friends have reacted as strongly as you say, maybe you should consider that you were ruder than you think.
I assume that you have spent time with them before and you haven't had an issue before, so you really need to assess exactly what was said and done.
You are of course entitled to a bad day, but you are not entitled to take it out on them.
They are probably just feeling protective of their friend and that's ok.
Ask your boyfriend if he really thinks that you behaved badly enough to deserve this. And accept his answer.
I don't think it's as simple as him just not being supportive of you. If you were out of order and don't realise it, he may feel stuck between you and his friends. That's not a nice place to be. Try to make it easier for him by doing your own apologies the next time. And don't make excuses for your bad behaviour by blaming the week you had.
Just tell them that you were out of order and it won't happen again. I'm sure they will respect you for taking responsibility for your actions.
The next time you are feeling low, don't go out. If you know you are going be grouchy you could always leave early and avoid it happening again.
Good luck with it.

Kell

@@@ wrote:

Am I entirely wrong? But it just feels like my bf has no respect for me and I don't know what to do.

I would tend to agree with you.

Its quite OK for couples to talk about their ups and downs to their mates, but having one of their mates come up and have a go at you is a bit out of order. If I was the BF, I think I would have decked the mate in question and ended the "mates" status.

If it is an isolated incident, try getting over it. If it becomes a more frequent occurence, dump the fúckwit boyfriend who's friends are obviously fúckwits, and find someone who has a bit more respect for your feelings. Do you not know that an accurate gauge of your BF is the quality of his friends? If they are fúckwits, stands to reason he is too.

Gazillions of nice people in the world. Just dont feel bad about trampling over the deadbeats that stop you meeting them.

K-

Khannie

Jaysus Kell.....she's admitted that she was rude. Calling them fupwits is a bit harsh tbh.

WhiteWashMan

Khannie wrote:

Jaysus Kell.....she's admitted that she was rude. Calling them fupwits is a bit harsh tbh.

but maybe they are?


as for the OP, i suggest you talk to your boyfriend.
perhaps he can tell you if he has no respect of you, becuase we dont know.

StandnDeliver

well i think you should put it down toa real bad week,if your bf had some cop on he wouldnt tell everyone your business,and have his friend talking to you about your business.jaysus what ever happened to minding your business,your life is not up on trial.So i think you tell him about to keep your personal life low key,its no ones business but yours girl.And if his mates had drinks well we all know it loosens tongues.Ignore em,im sure they have had weeks like yours and they should be understanding and your bf should be a little more sensitive.

simu

Oh, it isn't unreasonable to ask them to give you a second chance tbh.


But in future, don't go out if you're feelin' looooow.

Vangelis

@, it sounds like you accept too much. You have a limit and if people don't respect that, walk away from them if defending yourself does not help. If whoever talked nasty about you, they are dumb and in this case they sounded very childish too. Like the typical gossip-types. I believe you're wasting efforts on feeling bad about your own behaviour. Being able to question oneself this way is a rare gift, but it make one a victim. Don't be too hard on yourself.

secret_squirrel

Six of One and Half a dozen of the other here tbh.

You were feeling low and your BF pressurised you into going out. Ergo its his fault.

You let yourself be pressured and didnt bail out when you realised you were too narky for polite company. Ergo its your fault.

In future you will both know/act better.

As regards his friends well if they are going to judge you on one episode that you have apologised for (albeit not personally - never get someone to make apologies for you its bad form) then their approval isnt worth seeking. Your relationship should be what comes first. Im not saying your BF should always take your side (especially when you are in the wrong) but he should give some consideration to your feelings/thoughts.

120_Minutes

couldnt have said it better myself squirrel, its one of those situations where all parties have a percentage of the blame.

scoot on

Fighting with your boyfriends buddys is never fun... i had a severe example of this last christmas

My boyfriend went out with his friends for a few drinks the day before xmas eve because they were all finishing up. I was supposed to pick him up after about 3 hours but when I got there he wanted me to stay out with them. No bothers with me I get on great with all of them. We had a great laugh and ended up at one of friends houses. My boyfriend was wrecked and fell asleep on the couch. I had started on the vodka so wasn't in a great condition either. After a while I was bate and wanted to go to bed. His friend brought me upstairs to show me what bedroom to stay in. Next thing I know he's declaring his undying love for me and went to kiss me. He kissed me on the lips and just as I pulled back my boyfriend came into the room (I know it sounds like something out of a soap but it like a bloody nightmare!). My boyfriend lost the plot completely. Thought we had been planning on going to bed together. He ran out of the house and I went after him trying to explain things. It took me 3 days to sort things out with him... he knows me better than that!! But the consequence of it is that he hasn't spoken to his buddy since... his buddy has tried to sort things but there is no way my boyfriend will even look at him

I feel absolutely lousy because it is all to do with me. I had always got on great with his friend before but never expected something like that to happen. It completely threw us!!

But in my opinion, and from that experience, your boyfriend knows you better than any of them and he will know what to believe and what now to believe. Have faith in him and the rest will work out

secret_squirrel

scoot on wrote:

I feel absolutely lousy because it is all to do with me.

I beg to differ - sounds like you were a completely innocent party in all of this. Dont beat yourself up for either you BF's or his mates actions.

Kell

Khannie wrote:

Jaysus Kell.....she's admitted that she was rude. Calling them fupwits is a bit harsh tbh.

So you would appreciate a mate of yours approaching your beloved to comment on something you had confided in them about?

Interesting.............

K-

Shabadu

I wouldn't feel so bad about it. You were feeling shítty. Your bf knew this. His friends started (aggresively/persistently it seems?) questioning you about whatever it was that had you upset. It is quite normal to lash out if you are feeling vulnerable and cornered. Your bf should have accepted that you didn't want to go out, rather than pressurising you into this situation.

The Corinthian

Shabadu wrote:

It is quite normal to lash out if you are feeling vulnerable and cornered.

I'm sure there are many wife beaters who would agree with you.

bug

@@@ wrote:

My bf and I are fighting about something that happened at the weekend. We were out with some of his friends and I was having a bad week and I ended up saying some things that I wished I hadn't. He was meeting some friends, one of which he hadn't seen in a while and he wanted me to come along. I had some other stuff to do and I suggested that he go alone but he wanted me to come as he had been working a lot and he wanted to spend time with me too.

Tbh, I wasn't in the mood to go I was feeling incredibly low, a lot of things had been piling up on me and I just felt broken. But I didn't want to disappoint him, and I also hoped that going out would help cheer me up.

Unfortunately as soon as I met them I put my foot in it. One of his friends brought up something that I was down about, in a nice way, but I was really annoyed that my bf had been talking about me and I made a stupid sarcastic comment that made it obvious I was annoyed with my bf. I hadn't meant to say it and I immediately felt awful about it. Everyone was left feeling uncomfortable. I apologised to my bf, and the girl whose comment had unwittingly bothered me and I hoped that might be the end of it.

But later in the night on two occasions some of his friends said something that really upset me. Things that I felt were very critical of me and I got really defensive. I honestly had this feeling that I was being ganged up on and I didn't handle it well. If I had been in a normal mood I would have handled it better, I might never have felt criticised in the first place. Or maybe if I hadn't altered the mood from the start his friends might never have started talking to me the way they did. On both occasions I was very defensive. I don't think I said anything out of order, I do think my tone came across as rude.

I was feeling bad about it at the time and afterwards. I was annoyed with myself for acting and reacting in the way that I did. But I was also upset with what they said to me. They were critical of the kind of home I'm hoping to buy and how I chose it, which I think is none of their business. And 1 of them was very dismissive of my old job.

When we were at home I asked my bf if the next time he was talking to his friends he would apologise for me and explain that I had just had an incredibly hard week and wasn't handling it very well. Everything was fine until last night when my bf did just that. He rang me afterwards and told me that I had really pissed them off, not only in what I said to them but also in how I had treated my bf.

I accept that I was in the wrong, but some of what they said really hurt me. I wasn't expecting an apology, but I had at least thought they would just say something like, "fair enough, lets just forget about it." What's really getting to me though is that my bf refuses to see that they might have done anything wrong. We can't stop fighting about this. I just want my bf to see that I wasn't 100% wrong, and to understand why I feel their refusal to just let this go is upsetting me so much.

Am I entirely wrong? But it just feels like my bf has no respect for me and I don't know what to do.

Seems to me like you are behaving "guarded" around these people.
For whatever reason I cant tell but it seems like you're not comfortable with them. I cant tell because this is really vague.

It could be vague and you could be paranoid and guarded around them because (a) you've been behaving badly to you're boyfriend and they know about it, (b) you were tired and wrecked (c) your not particularly deep-down fond of these people and dont want them to know your problems... or a combination of all three.

Either way sort out your problems with him at home and/or if your feeling "broken" take a bit of time out for yourself, you're no use to anyone or any fun broken, and you arent doing him any favours or arent are a pleasurable person to be around "broken".

Although its really difficult to decipher from your post, I find it odd that you would still be fighting over something like being tired or acting a bit off and saying a few rude things.

Good friends understand an "off" day or night, good boyfriends forgive the odd moany out of sorts bitch-fest, once its not a regular occurance, and once the bitcfest didnt involve you ruining his relationships with them and slaying them with an incredibly sharp tongue.

Are ye being a bit sparse on the facts here for a reason?

Anyhow lesson learned first, dont go out if your feeling that bad, the excuse - Im not good company at the moment should suffice. Second lesson - sort out "couple" issues at home or people will avoid you like the plague socially.

I for one wouldnt like to go out with a waring couple, unless I knew them well and they were laughing at their issues rather than bitching.

shakaman

So how are you gettin on with the bf now OP?, problems resolved?