Untitled II

Le Rack

A toothpick in a peach
Your love sits just out of reach.
Fire at the fingertips
- An eclipse.

A broken string,
Cannot sweetly sing.
As a broken heart,
Cannot brightly beat.

The fire in your soul
Burned bright, hot coals,
Give the body warmth,
But can it your love;
Bring forth.

Phat Chance

I like the first stanza, especially the first image. Should the last line have a question mark or am I missing something here..?

EDIT- I hate when you misspell 'the'.

NoDayBut2Day

Wow!! This one is really good! I really like the imagery and the words you chose!!

Le Rack

Yay! Thank you guys!

Well the phrase "Bruise like a peach" was in mind and a toothpick hurts like hell when you get poked with it so there ya go!

Adam, no, no question mark required. Yes it is asking can the warmth bring out the love but it's also saing just in general bring it out and let it shine, let it warm people. I do that a lot, make two, three sentences from one thing, ex. the last verse actually contains something like five sentences it's just a matter of finding them. And in Monsoon the first two lines have about three sections.

pbsuxok1znja4r

A toothpick in a peach
Your love sits just out of reach.
Fire at the fingertips
- An eclipse.
The rhyme is fine. Nice and simple. I think you need to punctuate there at the end of the first line. Nice imagery used.

A broken string,
Cannot sweetly sing.
As a broken heart,
Cannot brightly beat.
Again, rhyme's fine. The inverted way of saying: "cannot sweetly sing", sounded slightly forced for the sake of rhyme there, but, meh. That's a great string-heart analogy you've drawn there. The use of the word "brightly" was good, it was in keeping with the theme of light, etc, that you had going with the "eclipse" part from the first stanza. Rhythm was good; almost heartbeat-like in its pace.

The fire in your soul
Burned bright, hot coals,
Give the body warmth,
But can it your love;
Bring forth.
I think you'd be better off using a semi-colon there after "burned-bright", but maybe I'm mis-understanding the way you're phrasing that, IDK. Once again, the rhyme's just fine. Nice, slow, steady rhythm to it.
Good piece; some nice ideas in there.

Le Rack

Yoy Thank you!
If you read my last post it may explain the bit about the Burned bright piece, it#s my view of it like so meh...

lilmissprincess

Nice work hunny, I loves it!!!