i realised i like my friend

LegacyUser

Unregged posting as some people mentioned below read boards. I recently broke up with my girlfriend on relatively good terms. I'm saying this because when you read on bear in mind that i really want to avoid the 'rebound' thing and to get it out my system otherwise (read drink and messing around!), so if this has to wait a bit then so be it.

I'm good friends with a girl in my class, who broke up with her boyfriend a short while back. Unlike a different PI thread which i posted a while back about somebody else, i have never ever viewed this girl as anything other than a friend. It dawned on me over the summer that i did indeed find this person attractive, but both she and i were in other relationships as i said already.

I'm confused a lot about what to do about this. Our course has a really small class too so it's not like we could avoid one another if it all went pear shaped, and the two of us hang around with exactly the same people. This sort of thing destroyed another group of people i used to hang around with. I'm not sure exactly how she sees all this – i've never really touched on this topic ever with her.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle it and what was the outcome? Would you have done it or not done it knowing the outcome? I'm also reminding you that although i think i'm over the last g/f i'm probably not, so i guess i should wait a while?

Thanks a million.

Tiddlywinks

tough one! I think you need to ask yourself how much you like the other girl, is it worth losing friends over if something does go wrong between you? If you still really like your ex and she knows it, she will just think you are on the rebound. Maybe you should give it a little more time, try and find out if she feels the same way about you before you do anything drastic.

LegacyUser

I don't still really like the ex in that way - i'm good friends with her but we're not going to get back together, simple as that, and I don't want to anyway. Myself and other girl spend a lot of time together in the course of work and share many of the same interests, what make it strange for me is that for the few years I've know her she had a boyfriend so i always just regarded her as off limits. During the last six months or so it did dawn on me that i found her attractive both personally and physically, but at that stage i was still in a relationship, and so was she. Am I making any sense at all here?

LegacyUser

My best friend was in a relationship for three years but really fancied one of her friends in college...although she'd never admit to it. He was seeing someone so they often went on double dates and all got to know each other really well. Turns out he really fancied her too so after my best friend broke it off with her man, he broke it off with his girlfriend and the two of them hooked up after a 'will we, won't we, should we?' type thing. They're now together about seven months and they've never been happier. So in my view, just go for it good luck.

BoozyBabe

I was in a similar situation to that which Button describes.
Was in college with this guy, we hung around together with 3 others for 3 years & I only thought of him as my friend, a friend that I got on really well with & missed him when he wasn't in, but a friend all the same. I was in a 4 yr relationship by the end of 3years in college.
Anyway, for most of the time the guy only liked me as a friend too, even though his friends & classmates questionned our relationship which I didn't understand at the time.
When college ended I broke up with my boyfriend & I was out with my college mates one night & my friend made a move on me, it was the best thing ever. Turns out he realised he really fancied me about 6 months before that, but would never take another mans woman so he waited for his chance.

We went out for about 4 months & then I broke it off, it wasn't any fault of his, I just wanted time to myself back then.

Point is, it didn't ruin our friendship & it didn't stop us from hanging around with our mutual mates, we just got on with it & enjoyed each others company as much as we ever did. All this time later we're still friends & we all meet up & go out.

(As readers of my post will no, I've shifted him again recently & though I don't know where I stand right now, we might end up giving it another go & we might not, no harm done either way)

So basically, you won't know until you try. You never want to be lying on your death bed saying 'what if' Just do it, & if it doesn't work out, be big enough to come out the other side still friends, that way, nobody loses.

Miss Fluff

less_than_zero wrote:

i really want to avoid the 'rebound' thing and to get it out my system otherwise (read drink and messing around!), so if this has to wait a bit then so be it.

I think you've answered your own question. If you're not over your GF it's a rebound thing. Wait a bit and play it by ear.

dundalk cailin

i had this kind of thing where i realised i fancied my friend but i didn broach the subject with him, then again i wasn in as close of contact with him (friends wise) since i moved away, i dunno how i feel bout him til i c him next :eek:

Nightwish

the exact same thing happened me 6months ago. I was in a long term relationship (7 years) and it ended on good terms. I knew I liked a friend of mine when I wasnt single and I obviously pushed it to the back of my mind, but when I became single I just had to let him know, so I did. And we're now a very happy couple:)

Dimitri

Not sure if the "rebound problem" is all its cracked up to be, My sister and her boyfriend had both come out of long term relationships around a week when they first met each other, that was 7 years ago, they're getting married in september! So if you know your not going to get back with your ex than there is no reason to wait unless your relishing the oppertunity of being single again! If things don't work it simply depends on how maturely you can handle being around each other!

Tar.Aldarion

Yes I am in love with practically my best friend.Because of circumstances that I won't go into I'm not like hmm ever going to tell her...although,maybe...it's nearly slipped due to drink.....maybe i will..but i won't like it and i'll end up ****ed!
anywho this has been the reason i boke up with my last two gf's so if you *really* like her you will find things increasingly difficult as time goes on(bout a year in for me).I'm just hoping it's going away soon...So either tell her or don't,it's such a difficult call.Either way you are going to end up quite depressed cosistantly...soul ripped apart kind of thing... unless she feels the same way.Usually from what I have seen,no they don't and they just see you as a friend.
It depends how good of a friend she is also and how much you like her, so take that into account,could you face it if you lost this person as a friend?In my situation I couldn't so that's one reason I don't say.
You say you can't avoid her and that could be a big problem if you are very good friends but if she is just a friend from your class maybe you should risk it.Just weigh it up,bad vs good,or should i say likelyness of good...

BoozyBabe

Tar.Aldarion:- How do you know she doesn't like you unless you give it a try!!!!????
Maybe she's sitting there with the exact same thoughts going through her mind.
I mean, can you imagine being out drinking in 50yrs time (maybe each of you never having found 'the one', & for her jokingly to say to you:- 'I used to fancy the pants of you'. How would you feel then? Such a wasted opportunity.
Life is all about risks, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but either way, at least you tried. I mean, how boring will your life have been if you always play it safe for fear of getting hurt, live a little!

If I had a friend who I didn't fancy but he told me he fancied me, I'd be flattered but I'd tell him that I didn't feel the same way about him. It by no means would make me think any less of him, or that I didn't want him as a friend.
It'd be up to the guy to say, well I tried, now I know & now I can get on with just being friends.
If your friendship is as important to you as you say, then you'll have no problem doing this with your friend.

We've only one shot at life, make the most of it!!!!

Best of Luck!

LegacyUser

BoozyBabe wrote:

Was in college with this guy, we hung around together with 3 others for 3 years & I only thought of him as my friend, a friend that I got on really well with & missed him when he wasn't in, but a friend all the same.

More or less sums it all up in my case.

BoozyBabe wrote:

Anyway, for most of the time the guy only liked me as a friend too, even though his friends & classmates questionned our relationship

Been there before about somebody else who used to go to college, it was always assumed that there was something going on with us when there really wasn't.

Nightwish wrote:

knew I liked a friend of mine when I wasnt single and I obviously pushed it to the back of my mind, but when I became single I just had to let him know, so I did.

I just ignored my feelings at first when I realised that I did like her, as I was very happy with my g/f at the time and as far as I knew she wasn't planning to break up or anything. It was more like just accepting that she was quite attractive rather than ignoring it... never thought I'd have to act on it.

Dimitri wrote:

Not sure if the "rebound problem" is all its cracked up to be

I agree with you a bit there. Still I think I'm prepared to do this one right rather than my usual shoot first and ask questions later style.

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

It depends how good of a friend she is also and how much you like her, so take that into account,could you face it if you lost this person as a friend?In my situation I couldn't so that's one reason I don't say.

Exactly, I really do like this person as a friend and i would never ever want to lose that. I'm also very good friends with her best friend and the two of them also hang around with my mates all the time too. I've had one or two friends I fancied tell me that they didn't feel the same way and it didn't cause any awkwardness at all, but I didn't have to see them everyday if it went badly.

BoozyBabe wrote:

Maybe she's sitting there with the exact same thoughts going through her mind.
I mean, can you imagine being out drinking in 50yrs time (maybe each of you never having found 'the one', & for her jokingly to say to you:- 'I used to fancy the pants of you'. How would you feel then?

All things considered I'd say that the possibility has crossed her mind, but it could just be wishful thinking on my part!

I'm still very confused as to what to do about it all. From what all you nice helpful people have said, it's clear to me that i'm going to have to tell her at some stage, sooner or later. The nearest we've ever really got to the topic is a big long chat we had about how great it was to be single again. She's quite direct too, so I know it would just be a case of 'yes' or 'no' as an answer - if she's pissed off with any of us she'll usually just get it out of her system the minute she comes in and then it will be forgotten is what I mean.

So given that it's going to have to come out, and that it's somebody that I'm already quite close to, has anyone got any advice on this? It's damn harder than telling somebody I only knew casually, I knew my first girlfriend quite well before I made a move on her but I'd lost touch with her before that. I didn't know my most recent g/f at all before she made a move on me. How did you/didn't you do it?

Cheers.

Tar.Aldarion

BoozyBabe wrote:

Tar.Aldarion:- How do you know she doesn't like you unless you give it a try!!!!????
Maybe she's sitting there with the exact same thoughts going through her mind.
I mean, can you imagine being out drinking in 50yrs time (maybe each of you never having found 'the one', & for her jokingly to say to you:- 'I used to fancy the pants of you'. How would you feel then? Such a wasted opportunity.
Life is all about risks, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but either way, at least you tried. I mean, how boring will your life have been if you always play it safe for fear of getting hurt, live a little!

If I had a friend who I didn't fancy but he told me he fancied me, I'd be flattered but I'd tell him that I didn't feel the same way about him. It by no means would make me think any less of him, or that I didn't want him as a friend.
It'd be up to the guy to say, well I tried, now I know & now I can get on with just being friends.
If your friendship is as important to you as you say, then you'll have no problem doing this with your friend.

We've only one shot at life, make the most of it!!!!

Best of Luck!

Thanks for that,I will no doubt eventually say-if only by accident (:
but not in the near future anyway.Because of extenuating circumstances it may be thought of as a betrayal of friendship in her mind.No way am I going to leave it fifty years maybe just the better prt of another one!
We shall see eventually,maybe i will start a thread on PI in the distant future ^^

Anyway best of luck less_than_zero,let us know what you do and how it goes!
I hope it works out for you inlike what's going to happen with me! (:

dundalk cailin

reminds me of 'where rainbows end' where these 2 best friends realise when they're 50 that the 2 of them liked each other all along, and even after being sepparated cos one of them moved country, and they married other ppl and had children, they still got together in the end

Tar.Aldarion

I told her,don't want to say much about it on the net or to anybody really...but I told her because she begged me to tell her what was wrong and she was crying so I couldn't stop myself...cider was a factor too....She thought that I hated her,sigh,fool :rolleyes:
Just know that now that I have told her I feel so much better that it is out.It is such a weight lifted.No doubt it was the worst night of my life last night/all night/today but it could have been so much worse, to say the least.If she is a good friend as you say she is then she will understand and you never now,she may reciprocate.I would say go for it....eventually you will have to say it to her anyway or you will go crazy.Just be careful how you handle it.We were both really drunk so we told absolute truths that we couldn't of said otherwise but maybe you are different.

dundalk cailin

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

Just know that now that I have told her I feel so much better that it is out.It is such a weight lifted..

good stuff, at least she knows now and the ball is in her court, hope it works out for u.

the guy i like, been emailing him and he said he'll meet up with me when i get home, casual invite methinks but he did say a time and place and that he's text me when im home..:eek: hard to tell over the net

BoozyBabe

Well done Tar.Aldarion!
Yes, it does be such a weight lifted, doesn't it.
Like Dundalk Cailin said, the ball's in her court now, you've done all you can do so be proud of yourself for having the guts to do it. Bet you feel so much better for it.
As for my situation above:- the guy wasn't out on Sat either so I text him, told him didn't think he was interested & would he just tell me, & stuff along those lines. He replied, but next day he phoned & said he was sorry, that he just wanted to give me a bit of space but he didn't go about it in a good way.
End of story is:- we are now going out & I'm V happy.
Hopefully all posters here in a similar situation has as good an outcome.
Best of Luck!!!

dundalk cailin

i hope so too :cool:

but it helps seeing how other people deal with their dilemmas, and the outcomes, and its good to get others opinions

LegacyUser

Well it's sure nice to hear some happy endings for some

Was away all weekend and the latter half of last week so i've been pretty quiet. I had dinner with her last week over in her place and the two of us did polish off a bottle of wine, so maybe I should have said something to her then. I was half thinking of doing just that, but then a friend of ours called so that was the end of that. I don't think I've anything to lose really so i think it's just a time and place...

it's quite weird asking out a friend already - did any of ye actually go out somewhere some evening or did ye just wait until it came up when the two of you were on your own?

dundalk cailin

hasnt happened for me yet, im in a different country! but ill let ya know if anything (ever) does happen!!

BoozyBabe

On both occasions we were out with our mutual friends but waited until we got a quiet moment alone.
'What's for you won't go by you' is what I've always thought.
Like you've said, you've nothing to lose so when you feel the time's right, just go for it.
With me, as I'm friends with the guy, it's still at the 'a bit awkward' stage, as we're not sure how we're supposed to talk to each other type thing, (we haven't seen each other since deciding to give it a go) but I know everything will fall naturally into place when we meet each other.

good Luck!

Tar.Aldarion

less_than_zero wrote:

it's quite weird asking out a friend already - did any of ye actually go out somewhere some evening or did ye just wait until it came up when the two of you were on your own?

Hmm pub,too drunk and upset not to tell her when she asked whom it was that I liked and was causing me all this depression.

BoozyBabe

Tar.Aldarion: How did that go anyway?
Have you talked to her since? Did she comment on what you said?
Do you know where you stand etc?

Tar.Aldarion

How did that go anyway?:Because we want to keep this between the two of us and we know a lot of people that read here,I can't say.
Have you talked to her since?:Ye,all the time.
Did she comment on what you said?:Ye, all the time :P
Do you know where you stand etc?:I do.

All I can say is good look to the OP when he gives it a shot and let us know how it goes.

LegacyUser

Tar.Ald, sounds like this girl is consuming you, maybe she is more trouble than she's worth...

lucernarian

Tar.Aldarion,
Congrats on telling her how you feel. I know how you feel, from experience, and I'm pretty sure many people here can say the same thing. It's better getting it out of your system and I'm glad things seem to be on the up for you.

As for Less_than_zero, I think its best to "test the water" so to speak. See how she feels about her recent breakup. I'd say go for it, if you and her are really good friends then it shouldn't end your friendship.

Tar.Aldarion

sourlemons,If you love somebody you can't just decide they are more trouble than they are worth(even if they were)...you love them!you are not exactly being rational all the time