A list of Eircoms Excuses - Please Contribute

yellum

A list of excuses Eircom has given for not rolling out broadband and giving cheap net access is being compiled for an automatic excuse generator. The Eircom PR Dept will no doubt find it a great resource.

Anyway, what are some of the excuses Eircom came up with ?
People have No Interest
People are bored of the Net
Have you tried Eircom high speed ?

etc.

Also if you want to contribute untrue but funny ones mark em as funny.
Example funny ones:
The Dog Ate my Local Loop
We are overlords who do not bow down to the demands of you puny humans !

The true and funny ones will be displayed seperately. A url will be put up soon for the generators and I will have some asp src code if anyone wants to use it on their site.

I believe that a perl version is being developed at the moment too.

flamegrill

guys im doing a php/mysql version of this. the excuses are comming slowly but surely together. we need help!!!

chernobyl

GCC = German Concentration Camp.

E-Hub

The reason you need a cap is to protect you from people who spend their time actually downloading things.

The reason you need local calls is that, you would call someone and never hang up.

The reason our price are so high is the small market, even thought the smaller the market the less you have to invest to reach that market.

We Cannot lauch adsl becasue the odtr is blocking us.

There is no demand in ireland for adsl, because your all stupid ****ing paddies that dont know how to use a pc.

theres no demand for friaco because 20000 people in less then 2 years is not a clear sign of demand

Urban Weigl

Two [2] excuses I can think of at the moment are:

1. Unmetered internet calls would overload the Irish phone network (they seem to be implying here that Ireland has the world's worst telephone network. THIS IS NOT TRUE! Check out the mythbuster on www.unmetered.org.uk for more information why this would not overload the phone network)

2. It would slow down the rollout of ADSL even further (I don't know what the heck they were thinking here? Unmetered Internet calls will grow Internet usage in Ireland, thus resulting in many people wanting faster access such as ADSL. I'd like to say something really horrible about Alfie Kane here, but I think I'll refrain seeing as it probably wouldn't be helpfull...)

Alis

yellum wrote:

I will have some asp src code if anyone wants to use it on their site.

Yellum read this:
http://www.purplepages.ie/site/articles/print.asp?faq=6&fldAuto=68

Also the db is located here:
http://www.purplepages.ie/examples/biz_quotes.mdb

Need any help, mail me.

Alis

Alis

A quote suggestion:

"Eircom, It's even worse than it appears"

Admittedly I nicked this from Dave Winer of Userland Software, though it wasn't Eircom he was talking about when he used the phrase.


Just editing this to say after reading your post properly I see it is excuses rather than quotes you want. Sorry

Mountjoy Mugger

What about "This is as cheap as we can manage" ?

flamegrill

right people,

its started, the first few excuses have gone in to the database.
they can be seen from here
dahomelands.net/eircom/

we need loads more. there must be 100's that you can come up with. so come on people post them

please

Whoeverthehell

People don't want flat rate internet access, they want cheaper computers.

Bandwidth is simply too expensive for it to be viable.

If people had affordable internet access we would get less money.

Our current solutions are affordable, our customers are just over using them.

If it were available the national network would overload. We're doing you a favour.

49% of all adults in Ireland have no intrest in the internet, we're choosing to ignore the other 51%.

Because then we'd have to fire all those workers we have that aren't needed.

We're still using manual operators, but keep quiet about it, noone knows.

Because we're operating in quaint little Ireland, where the people are easily bamboozeld.

pertinax

We dont need to lower our prices because they are extremely competative compared to the non-existant competition.

Alis

We are working as fast as we can (with partners like Microsoft) to find a means of owning the Internet in Ireland. Once we have achieved that goal broadband will be a reality.

It is not really reasonable to compare Ireland to other European countries. Can we talk about the Irish situation in relation to the situations in places like North Korea, Iraq and Burma?

Lemming

"We don't have the cabling to run DSL".

"DSL is more expensive than ISDN, we swear!".

"DSL? They have that on the internet now?!!".

"The Internet? Isn't that some film festival in France?".

"We just weren't convinced that people were happy with our prices, so we pushed them up just in case!"

"If we roll out DSL, people are gonna be connected all day! That just seems like an abuse of the network"

"<insert time warp around Eircom>We think ISDN is the next big thing</insert time warp around Eircom>"

yellum

Pretty soon its hoped that a javascript version can be made available so that anyone with a homepage and can't use server side scripting can still have the generator on their page.

Matfinn

"Im sorry sir, I left the loop at home, Ill have it in tomorrow" >> cue the kid doesnt bring it in thinking the teacher wont know and he can get away with it;)


"The internet has already grown as big as it can, and everyone has seen all the pages on the world wide web, so theres no demand to access the internet as a result"

"We don't have the money to release a flatrate solution for the business and home user. We are stupidly spending all that money marketing 1970's technology to a stupid market ( hi speed )"

"We dont actually have a clue, none of us in mamagment"

"We dont actually give a **** about any of you, but because we are the only telco here with an infrastructure, we can do what we like and get away with it"

"There are 4 million people or thereabouts in this country, and we have 1.5 million happy customers, so the 2000 of you that are unhappy can fcuk off because we can afford to lose your custom"

"DSL is a distant sensitive technology, so it will be unavailable to at least 60% of you out there. That means we can increase the user:modem ratio, and our bandwidth wont be chewed up"

"We are more interested in lining our pockets than meeting the genuine and just needs of the Irish people"

"We just couldnt be arsed to tell you the truth"

acous

• sorry thats a technical question, we only have a PR dept.
• Eircom: you already have broadband. You: no we don... *footsteps in the distance*
• Ireland isnt ready for the internet
• we already provide cutting edge technologies such as ISDN
• oh shut up you nerds
• the internet doesent really exist
• look over there!
• eircom are your saviours, just look at these impressive pie charts.
• just look at our big budget video which contains words such as "e-commerce" and "information superhighway".
• day1: we will, tomorrow. day2: no i meant the other tomorrow. day3: still tomorrow, we're right on schedule.
• where do you want to go further faster for free today with eircom i-Talkrubbish(tm)

amp

Plyd Acous

NeilF

Originally posted by Acous
sorry thats a technical question, we only have a PR dept.
[/B]

sorry, couldn't resist:

that would be an ecumenical matter

glimmerman

"ring-ring. ring-ring. ring-ring. ring-ring. ring-ring."

repeat...

flamegrill

Alright people we now have 53 excuses in our database.

ill be realeasing a flat txt file version of this with either a php and or perl frontend. It will be available to everyone.

but for the time being gis more quotes

the more the merrier.

again http://dahomelands.net/eircom/ and or http://eircom.dahomelands.net


which ever suits yis

El Marco

Well here some

1. They have the internet on computers now?
2. Our weekly allowance from my mother won't be enough to bring adsl to Ireland
3. Untill untill theres a bounty on our heads, we feel there isnt enough demand
4. We're still recovering from the famine, give us time
5. My wife works out all the buisness side of things

El_MUERkO

"Our giant mouse that runs the internet can only run so fast"

Typedef

"If we made dsl available to the masses, then they(the masses) would have access to more information quicker, this is an anthema to our entire ethos as a communications company. Clearly if the masses were better informed they would rise up and kill us like the pinko's they are!"

adnans

"ADSL, no, we dont have anything as fast as that. how about i-stream? its even got a catchy name!"

"now, how do we make more money out of the free users before we even bother to set up ADSL countrywide?"

"we are a business and our main priority is to look after our pockets... i mean shareholders!"

"its not our fault that our marketing department's idea of ADSL was a big fat rat!"

and finally

"the rollout of ADSL was postponed since we are in the process of selling the company to someone else so we can retire with a few million pocketed from the sale."

adnans

neverhappen

*sigh*, look we told you all months ago that half the country wasn't interested in the internet. But we've forged ahead, spent a fortune, fought with the ODTR to get to market, and brought you the revolutionary new I-$Cream product, and priced it "very competitively". And what happened ? No-one wanted it. We should have spent the money on a big waving mouse and told everyone they can have *free* *worldwide* *email* when they use our dialup service.

pertinax

Our Flat rate internet product is so cheap it costs you nothing. Its so easy to use you won't even know your not using it. It's really there, just buy this magnifying glass for £875.

Bard

Originally posted by Lemming
"<insert time warp around Eircom>We think ISDN is the next big thing</insert time warp around Eircom>"

They RANG my Dad (at random) doing a survey and said pretty much exactly that - trying to sell him their "hi-speed" product. He put them on to me saying I'd know more about it.

I basically told them that "hi-speed" was a joke and that I'd rather get ADSL, but not at the utterly ridiculous prices they were asking". Survey lady said "you're not from IrelandOffline, are you?" ... me: "actually yeah, I'm on the committee." ... her: "hah... I told them they should have taken notice of you guys!"

Gods honest truth this happened today at dinner-time. But for the fact that I was hungry, I'd have stayed on the phone longer!

acous

LOL Bard. brilliant .

Pragmatica

We'er very sorry Mr. Customer but we cant remove the Digital Access Carrier Signal box from you line as it appears to be working perfictly as intended !

DeadBankClerk

• "I'm sorry, but all are operators are busy. Your call will be answered in rotation."
• "i did not have sexual relations with...."
• "you dont want broadband, why not try eircom's latest technology 'eircom hi-speed' - look the brochure is all blue and orange and has e-words written about e-mail and e-commerce and we get to charge your double if you want to use it to it's full potential."
• "Addy Essel? what are you talking about boy?"

Bard

Originally posted by Acous
LOL Bard. brilliant .

brilliant? ... maybe...
true? ... certainly...

Lemming

Originally posted by Bard

They RANG my Dad (at random) doing a survey and said pretty much exactly that - trying to sell him their "hi-speed" product. He put them on to me saying I'd know more about it.

Hehehehehee That was classic.

But seriously though, I'm *somewhat* (insert "extremely") disturbed by the accuracy of what I initially wrote as a joke excuse!! Ohhhh dear! This doesn't look good!!

Kix

How about the derivative but pertinent:

• "Prices will continue to increase until morale improves"

K

Scruff

"Ireland can indeed be the e-hub of Euope.........but not unless we say so and make a big fat profit out of it"

"you want broadband? YOU WANT BROADBAND? YOU CAN'T HANDLE BROADBAND!"

"And when i click my fingers you will wake up and immediately sign up for an ISDN connection and you will forget all about ADSL"

MiCr0

• heavy electricity
• leaves on the line
• all esats fault
• all indigo's fault
• all odtr's fault

Bard

Originally posted by Lemming



Hehehehehee That was classic.

But seriously though, I'm *somewhat* (insert "extremely") disturbed by the accuracy of what I initially wrote as a joke excuse!! Ohhhh dear! This doesn't look good!!

I don't have to make these ones up... eircom sales lady on the phone said it all...:

her: "ISDN is going to be really big!" ... me: "so what about ADSL?" ... her: "oh that is... ALSO going to be really big" ... me: "but it's really really expensive!" ... her: "er... yeah... well we're not *really* trying to sell it yet..."

(don't take these as *direct* quotes- they're from memory, so... um... y'know...)

"we'll get rid of your old-style slow analog lines and put in a nice new speedy digital line for ISDN - which is FOUR times faster than your current connection!"

Praetorian

1) If we give you adsl at a reasonable price people might realise how much we have ripped yee off in the past!!

2) Caps are good. Caps are there to save you from getting addicted to the evil of the internet!!

2.5) Things like downloading and p0rn are bad dont ya know!

3) The rollout takes time as we only have one guy in a van atm.... cut backs n all.

Ba$tard

The reason that we just can't give you what you want is because;

"Jimmy the appreciate plumber is the guy doing the upgrades on the exchanges and he has to be home each night before dark and his mammy won't allow him outside Dublin for another few years"

"The entire ADSL staff have taken 4 months maternity leave in a strong showing of teamwork"

"We dont actually know how to do this DSL thingie and we just got some Esat guy contracted in to tell us about it for the next 3 years"

"Barry, Chief lazy-bastard-conservative telecomms engineer said he doesn't want to give out any of his bandwidth as it will affect his donkeyp0rn downloads"

"Anytime I pick up the phone, I get a shock and with all that nasty DSL voltage, it may start affecting my perm!"

"yes, but if we were to give you what you wanted ontime all the time, then we would not be in the middle of a controversy and then we would have to resort to expensive advertising & marketing instead of that 4th year student-prick in the stoopid mouse outfit who we pay 12 pound a week for"


Ba$tard :rolleyes:

yellum

Heres one:

All your local loops are belong to us

Lemming

Originally posted by yellum
Heres one:

All your local loops are belong to us

Christ!!! I damn near got 7-up all over my keyboard when I read that!!

hehehehe Good one yellum!!!

yellum

When asked any questions they start singing:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30942

aidan_dunne

Here's another excuse and one which I wouldn't be surprised to see Eircom using in the near future:

"All people use the internet for is downloading p0rn. If we introduce ADSL people will do nothing except downloading tons and tons of p0rn. Therefore, we have a moral obligation to prevent the youth of the Ireland being corrupted by such filth which is why we can't release ADSL!"

exiztone

Odtr: You bring out adsl at a fair price now, NOW!
eircon: odtr, you used to be cool man!
odtr: NO, odtr is still cool, you bring out adsl at a fair price later, LATER! (thats gonna be a helluvalong later if ever unfortunately)

would be just cheaper & easier to move to the states and use the net there, even the ****ing war **** going on there would be less hassle than eircons bull****!

niknak

"Internet?Whats this internet thing?We only deal with phonecalls!"

lampsie

"I am rubber, you are glue"

Hecate

Ooh, I love excuses

• Sorry, but we genuinely have no skillz
• You think we'd let go of this monopoly easily? *snigger*
• Ye'll take what you're given!
• We just don't feel like it
• Ring your electricity company
• But..who needs broadband when you have the giant mouse...look..the *giant* mouse..woooo!
• It's actually been out for years; we've just been hiding it that's all...ow!. thats my head!
• We used to have 5 month waiting lists to get a *phone* installed, and you want *broadband*; jeez there's no pleasing some people...

Not really related but here's little script idea I had for a flash movie based on all this

In AD 2001:

DSL was *not* beginning...

** A net user watches his bitrates diminish **

Net User 1: What happen?!

Net User 2: Eircom set up us the cap.

Net User 3: We get i-stream.

Net User: What!

Net User 3: Main screen turn on.

** An Eircom executive slowly fades onto the screen..complete with evil-looking purple cloak **

Net User 1: It's you!

Eircom Executive: How are you gentlemen !!

Eircom Executive: All your local loop are belong to us.

Eircom Executive: You are on the way to dialups.

Net User: What you say !!

Eircom Executive: You have no chance for broadband make do with isdn.

Eircom Executive: Ha Ha Ha Ha ...

popinfresh

Eircom: Me thinks "more profits = more customers,"
Eircom: Me thinks " If we should have to think hard, they should have to pay hard"
I think this is the 2 mottos that keeps them eircom fellas going