Why are women so patronising?

Panicked

Had a date there today, someone I met on the internet and corresponded with for a while. Now I know she was initially attracted to me. She mentioned I was cute (I'm not being big-headed, this doesn't happen often) and I also asked her out in a non-ambiguous fashion, she accepted similarly. Now I've rushed into relationships in the past and have decidedly decided this course to be ill-advised. So I figured I'd go slow with this one. The date was very em.. platonic, which was sort of my intention. But I'd hoped to recieve at least some sort of signal which I could then not act on. One was not recieved. It was just an afternoon date in a café, then a walk in Stephen's Green, so it was gonna be lighthearted anyway. I ended it with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to text her.

I did, later on in the evening, asking her if she'd be partial to another rendezvous. And she was like "yeah defo! But I think just as friends. Is that ok?" etc. Okay, I'm no dummy (and neither is she..). I figured I'd throw in one last ditch attempt to salvage it. So became frank with her and texted back my reasoning why I'd wanted to take it slow. I mean why not? I've got nothing to lose.
"Honestly, had a great time. I do mean dat, But had a crap experience dis summer and just think I need a break. And I reckon your 2nice 2 mess round. So would prefer to be friends" No avail, ah well.. Not doing anything else this evening, I might as well have some fun and cut through the BS, still friendly like.
I replied: "Ah, so I'm a nice guy. What is it they say about nice guys? Ah sure that's fair enough. What can I say.. One of the better sculpted rejections gan doubt :-)"

Her reply: "Please don't take it like that. I did have a nice time. Have a gud weekend and mind urself. Chat soon. :-)"

I mean if I pride myself on anything it's a lack of naivity. Let's call a spade a spade. I'm a big boy, it's ok I can take it. If I was younger/more gullible and actually believed her: a spiel like that could well turn me into an emotional retard. This girl is very intelligent, does she not understand if she successfully imparts this fantasy she could fk someone up? I would have texted as much too but I realise that "chat soon" bit at the end means "it's late, stop texting me". See, I'm a man of social graces.

Ah no what is so hard about saying: "Hi yeah I had a fun time too, I don't think there was a spark between us though, thanks good luck in the future yadda yadda yadda". I mean honestly.. I have enough female friends, they were all friends from the beginning too. I reckon it's rare that someone can become proper close friends with someone who rejected them without harbouring feelings of either infatuation or resentment. I certainly wouldn't pursue that avenue. (Nor would I attempt to cross that barrier with any of my friends unless I was completely sure of the outcome..).
Anyway: thoughts?
Also anybody wanna recommend another way to go about this dating lark in a non-platonic sense? I think I came up like a plant today (as in asexual).

jellie

i think that if one or both people goes into a relationship with the intention of it being platonic then its rarely going to go any further.

fair enough, attraction can grow over time, but with something like your situation, if its not there from the beginning its unlikely it will happen

galwaydude

Dont worry about it mate, i have been there and it does get better. Maybe you should just have left it after she agreed to meet you later. You win some you lose some. Take it from me i should know, maybe she thought you were coming on a bit strong by mentioning rejection in a jokingly fashion. Just mark it down as experience.

Just get out there and enjoy life.You say that you have plenty of female friends so thats a start. Theres plenty of good honest fun women in dublin. Personally i wouldnt use the internet for finding someone as it gives a false illusion of you to that person your chatting too. Just enjoy yourself and as the saying goes you will meet someone when you least expect it.

Mr.Nice Guy

Panicked wrote:

The date was very em.. platonic, which was sort of my intention.

Why was it your intention to have a platonic date?

Panicked wrote:

But I'd hoped to recieve at least some sort of signal which I could then not act on. One was not recieved.

I don't really understand what you're saying here. You wanted a signal that you could not act on?

Panicked wrote:

I mean if I pride myself on anything it's a lack of naivity. Let's call a spade a spade. I'm a big boy, it's ok I can take it. If I was younger/more gullible and actually believed her: a spiel like that could well turn me into an emotional retard. This girl is very intelligent, does she not understand if she successfully imparts this fantasy she could fk someone up?
Ah no what is so hard about saying: "Hi yeah I had a fun time too, I don't think there was a spark between us though, thanks good luck in the future yadda yadda yadda".

I think you're being a bit harsh. She was just being tactful.

Panicked wrote:

Also anybody wanna recommend another way to go about this dating lark in a non-platonic sense? I think I came up like a plant today (as in asexual).

If you want to go about the dating lark in a non-platonic sense, spruce up your dating ideas. You say above that:

Panicked wrote:

It was just an afternoon date in a café, then a walk in Stephen's Green, so it was gonna be lighthearted anyway. I ended it with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to text her.

Why is your intention for it to be lighthearted? You want to sweep her off her feet. I recommend an action date where you and her are doing some sort of activity together. This is good because you don't have to focus too much on the conversation aspect. You simply have fun together. Suggestions for action dates include:

Pool
Bowling
Ice Skating
Go karting

[Jackass]

Patronising?

All she said was that she had a great time with you, you even made her back it up, and she did.

She didn't lead you on or just blank you because she decided she didn't fancy you...she came straight out with it "Only as friends though ok..." as it was probably clear you had feelings for her...and she wanted to spare your feelings before you might get your hopes up...very considerate if you ask me, and she did it in a very nice, non-embarresing, tactful way.

If you ask me, she was open, honest and frank, showed your feelings a lot of respect, and was complementary also....where's the problem? Are you just bitter that she dosen't fancy you?

Because maybe if you had chosen a more intimate date, and had been more flirtatious and direct you might have pulled it off, after all, you said yourself she fancied you at first....confidence my friend...confidence in your ability to pull will set you free!

Hard luck though mate...I wouldn't worry about it. Plenty of fish and so on...

vibrant

Hmmm. To be honest, her replies seemed perfectly nice and rational, and I thought that your reply of

Panicked wrote:

"Ah, so I'm a nice guy. What is it they say about nice guys? Ah sure that's fair enough. What can I say.. One of the better sculpted rejections gan doubt :-)"

was the most patronising of all the messages you posted! There's definately a hint of "(wo)man scorned" about it... and I agree with DubGuy, you sound quite bitter about it.

I think you read *way* too much into the things she said to you. Why are you picking apart every word and adding layer upon layer of reason behind each word? Been reading Bridget Jones again?!

Next you'll be accusing her of playing "mind games"!

Sorry mate, I might come accross as a bit rude or tetchy; I don't mean to. There was probably no chemistry there, it happens. Generally speaking I find that if I meet someone I fancy, if anything further is due to come out of it, it happens without any stress or nonsense...thanks to that spark of chemistry!

When there is a lot more effort and BS involved (as in, "what do you think he really meant when he said XYZ????") it usually follows pretty quick that they're not worth the effort!

simu

You are reading far too much into her words. They aren't patronising at all. Also, beware of making generalisations about all women based on your experiences with one.

secret_squirrel

Jesus! Why are you blaming the woman? You managed to screw this up all on your own. You've gotta cop on.

Firstly 'Platonic Date' wtf? Taking it slow doesnt not mean acting like a friend. Did it occur to you that this woman might have liked to be made to feel attractive and feminine? Not like she was sitting there with her brother.

Secondly 'One last chance to save it' You came across as needy, bitter and insecure. All it would have taken would been 'Actually I would prefer More than friends' or something similar. Also you may have been taking the friends thing as a brush off when thats not how it came across in your post.

Thirdly - have some dignity - even if she didnt fancy you be glad that she wanted to see you again as a friend. Dont get all twisted up about.

I think you need to figure out what you want from a date before you go on it - otherwise you are just going to confuse the poor women you date and make yourself more bitter. Personally I dont think you should go on a date until you sort your head out a bit.

Talk about shooting yourself down in flames and blaming the other person. To echo other posters the only one who came across as patronising was you.

Yook

Tekken5isalive wrote:

maybe the whore bit is a bit OTT. but ignore squirrel he's obviously buried his nuts a long time ago and doesn't know what he's talking about.

Ziiiiiing!!!!

nobodythere

Tekken5isalive wrote:

sorry love, wasn't anything between us, stop texting me and forget about me.

Would you be so blunt and tactless in such a situation?

[Jackass]

Not really...He was a troll...please do not feed!
Banned now anyway. :rolleyes:

Zombrex

I'm a big boy, it's ok I can take it.

You don't seem to be taking it very well at all, in fact you seem to be grasping at a reason to give out about this girl, when all she did was give you the message that she just wants to be friends (ie she doesn't want to go out with you).

Would you honestly have been happier if she simple said "I am not attracted to you, I didn't have a good time, I don't want to see you again" ...

Talliesin

Panicked wrote:

So I figured I'd go slow with this one. The date was very em.. platonic,

Platonic isn't the same as slow.

Okay, you might have a date with a platonic friend that would still have a bit of flirting and sexual tension, but somehow I don't get that that's what you are saying.

Panicked wrote:

But had a crap experience dis summer and just think I need a break.

Maybe she had a crap experience this summer and thinks she needs a break.

Worse still, both for her and for anyone that would want to date her, maybe she had a crap experience this summer and thinks she needs a break, but isn't sure, so would go on a date, but would finish the date thinking very bad thoughts (just how bad depending on how bad the experience was and how she's coping with it) and not at all sure what she wants and here's this guy texting her and he seems like a sound guy but after what happened she really can't see herself getting involved emotionally/sexually/whatever with someone.

And maybe she thinks your an asshole but is too polite to just say that.

You can't really know for sure, unless you do start seeing her as a friend and she spills about whatever it was that happened during the summer. All in all though you might as well take her at her word.

LegacyUser

can i ask how old are you two?

Gandhi

For what it is worth, I understand your frustration, man. An indifferent attitude of "Sure, you're a lovely litte fella, but..." is far more insulting than a screaming, plate-throwing "I never want to see you again!!!" would have been. In her defense, she probably intended to be nice rather than patronising, and she did not waste much of your time before making her intentions clear.

There is no such thing as a "platonic date", though. A rendezvous with a lady is either one or the other. As your experiment has proven.

Better luck with the next one, though.

The Corinthian

I don't see where she was patronizing. She went out on a date with you, the spark wasn't there and/or you weren't able to seduce here nonetheless and so you both parted ways. Hardly a drama.

Had she gone out with you on more than one date before giving you the just good friends line or if she's blown hot and cold all night then I'd agree that she was screwing you about (and not in the good way). But she was pretty straight forward, open and nice about it.

Brush yourself off and try another one. Women are easy to find, so I wouldn't worry about it.

The Sweeper

Gandhi wrote:

An indifferent attitude of "Sure, you're a lovely litte fella, but..." is far more insulting than a screaming, plate-throwing "I never want to see you again!!!" would have been.

Jaysus, and they say women only really go for bastards?

So it's not good if someone tells you that you're a nice person, but they're just not into you? You'd prefer it if they told you that they'd rather eat dickcheese on pube crackers than spend another second in your miserable company?

What the hell do you people want?

The Corinthian

A blowjob.

The Sweeper

Does that come with a side of dickcheese?

dudara

Ah guys, keep it on topic, you should know better.

Gandhi

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Jaysus, and they say women only really go for bastards?

So it's not good if someone tells you that you're a nice person, but they're just not into you? You'd prefer it if they told you that they'd rather eat dickcheese on pube crackers than spend another second in your miserable company?

What the hell do you people want?

Well, I was exaggerating a bit with the plate-throwing. Panicked mentioned that he felt that he came off as asexual, which sucked. I'm sure he'd rather inspire passion of any kind than inspire yawns.

Plus it makes a better story to tell the lads afterwards...

WhiteWashMan

Panicked wrote:

Had a date there today, someone I met on the internet and corresponded with for a while. Now I know she was initially attracted to me. She mentioned I was cute (I'm not being big-headed, this doesn't happen often) and I also asked her out in a non-ambiguous fashion, she accepted similarly. Now I've rushed into relationships in the past and have decidedly decided this course to be ill-advised. So I figured I'd go slow with this one. The date was very em.. platonic, which was sort of my intention. But I'd hoped to recieve at least some sort of signal which I could then not act on. One was not recieved. It was just an afternoon date in a café, then a walk in Stephen's Green, so it was gonna be lighthearted anyway. I ended it with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to text her.

I did, later on in the evening, asking her if she'd be partial to another rendezvous. And she was like "yeah defo! But I think just as friends. Is that ok?" etc. Okay, I'm no dummy (and neither is she..). I figured I'd throw in one last ditch attempt to salvage it. So became frank with her and texted back my reasoning why I'd wanted to take it slow. I mean why not? I've got nothing to lose.
"Honestly, had a great time. I do mean dat, But had a crap experience dis summer and just think I need a break. And I reckon your 2nice 2 mess round. So would prefer to be friends" No avail, ah well.. Not doing anything else this evening, I might as well have some fun and cut through the BS, still friendly like.
I replied: "Ah, so I'm a nice guy. What is it they say about nice guys? Ah sure that's fair enough. What can I say.. One of the better sculpted rejections gan doubt :-)"

Her reply: "Please don't take it like that. I did have a nice time. Have a gud weekend and mind urself. Chat soon. :-)"

I mean if I pride myself on anything it's a lack of naivity. Let's call a spade a spade. I'm a big boy, it's ok I can take it. If I was younger/more gullible and actually believed her: a spiel like that could well turn me into an emotional retard. This girl is very intelligent, does she not understand if she successfully imparts this fantasy she could fk someone up? I would have texted as much too but I realise that "chat soon" bit at the end means "it's late, stop texting me". See, I'm a man of social graces.

Ah no what is so hard about saying: "Hi yeah I had a fun time too, I don't think there was a spark between us though, thanks good luck in the future yadda yadda yadda". I mean honestly.. I have enough female friends, they were all friends from the beginning too. I reckon it's rare that someone can become proper close friends with someone who rejected them without harbouring feelings of either infatuation or resentment. I certainly wouldn't pursue that avenue. (Nor would I attempt to cross that barrier with any of my friends unless I was completely sure of the outcome..).
Anyway: thoughts?
Also anybody wanna recommend another way to go about this dating lark in a non-platonic sense? I think I came up like a plant today (as in asexual).

why didnt you actually use a phone, and if you want a straight answer, ask a straight question.

i think youre just being petulent becuase she didnt fancy you, and youre somehow trying to blame her for some stupid thing becuase you dont like it.

Pink Bunny

WhiteWashMan wrote:

why didnt you actually use a phone, and if you want a straight answer, ask a straight question.

Agreed! I don't understand this love affair for texting-tone of voice etc...not to mention the instant give and take remove the guess work out of these instances.

I have to be honest, I read through what the OP wrote 3 times and can find nothing at all wrong with the girl's replies. I think she was kind and tried to be straight forward with the fact she likes him as a friend, period.

THIS is a good example why ppl have taken to just not replying to texts. It's easier to just not reply then to tell someone something they don't want to hear, even if you try to do it gently.

audge

Men cannot be expected to read a woman's mind... in turn, woman cannot be expected to read a mans mind, if you intentionally gave off "platonic" vibes, then that is exactly what she received!

Defence mechanisms... ever heard of them?

If she said you where cute,she meant it, if she agreed to a date, she was interested, if she was met with platonic and a kiss on the cheek she assumed you where not interested, and got in there with her.. lets be friends for now... texts first. To be honest, I think you could have done more to salvage it.. no matter how intelligent or sophisticated this woman is, like all women, she wants to feel desired... your nice guy text was defeatist, and again, lacked any sign of real interest... a text along the lines of, "I can honestly say I have never had a female friend that is as sexy, smart and fun to be with" or something of that nature, would have been far more effective, because you would have shown that you where attracted to her, but willing to play the friend card if that was the route she wanted to go down.
To be honest, I believe that she has probably be offended by the whole ordeal... you have shown no interest in her, if she is not prepared to move your relationship from platonic to romantic based on a few net chats and one date!
I could be wrong, I do not claim to be an expert on affairs of the heart, but I do believe you gave up a little too easily!

dramaqueen

Oh my God this woman just couldn't win could she. She was nice, straight forward, to the point and honest. You still found an issue with her.
If you ask me your issue is totally imagined. She wasn't being patronising, she was being nice.
Grow up.

Khannie

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i think youre just being petulent becuase she didnt fancy you, and youre somehow trying to blame her for some stupid thing becuase you dont like it.

Agreed.

Zillah

Actually I believe what she said. It really did sound reasonable. Now, to be honest I havn't had time to read everything, but from what she said in her text messages I really got the impression that she genuinely had a bad experience during the summer and didn't want a relationship, nor did she just want to fu*k around with you.