need advice please

irish_stu

hi all,my first post in this section,im proud father of 6 yr old boy,and after a long mentally and emotionally ride in and out of courts (4yrs) i succeeded in name on birth cert and guardianship and regular access,and the relationship between myself and his mother is good at the moment,we have both grown up alot,but my woe is,she is due to marry next year to her current partner,(nice bloke),my son carries his mother surname at the moment,and i would like him to keep that name till he decides himself when he gets older if he would like to change it,where do i stand,does his name automatically change when she marries,or does she have to seek my consent,cos as nice as she is she is devious and sly,am i in for another haul thru the courts for my son to keep his birth surname,any advice from both sides of the fence would be appreciated,just so i know what to expect in the future.

Mercy Katharine

Hi Stu
i have surfed forums and every bit of litriture on this almost , from what i have read - No - in order to have the childs birth name changed to her new partners sirname adoption would have to take place , and without your legal consent that cant happen . you should also legally name a successor to yourself as guardian , someone close in your family in the event that anything happens to yourself to guarantee the upkeep of relations with your side of the family , this was all new news to me and i am doing it , suggest you look into it too .

best of luck keep in touch

irish_stu

its 6.30 in the morning,only home from nixer,that was nice bit of relief to know that she will have to seek my consent,cos its tough,and to be honest going thru the court again is something i will have to prepare myself for,and im not looking forward to it.its a costly and two faced system,i do have my mother in my ear warning me off,whilst her intentions are good its hard to try be amicable,and not to be seen as giving in to her(my ex),my mother does be in my ear telling me what i should do and how i should go about it,when myself im not into taking the hard hitting approach,people wil say tell your mum to butt out,not that easy when for those years in court she be deprived of access too and supported me,financially and emotionally,and to be fair it was my mother that brought it to my attention about the possiblity of her looking to change my sons name,at moment both families are getting on,and we the parents have done alot of growing up,but the painful memories still lie within of when she took my son from my arms and told me my time was up,accused me of hitting her and been abusive,thank god my occupation stood to me as how good of a character i had and the judge told her to grow up,sorry for thread getting side tracked,but still alot of hurt and anger inside,and i think all our cases are different but similiar,cos no matter how much we have been fuc#ed about by our ex partners,we all human and we experience a hurt that i personally never had to deal with before.and its worse when we think we are alone and deal with alone,so thanks for the few words of support,it can lift alot of weight of a persons shoulders.

SexeeAussie

Hi Stu
I am not sure of the laws there...I really can't give you any advice at all but just wanted to say goodluck and hope it all turns out for you! I am a single mum to two darlin kids and it's never an easy thing to do.

Hope it all works out

Rach

Maccattack

Hi Stu

Let me ask. Why dont you want him to change his name?

Is it really a big deal?

It's a big deal to you, but not to him.

Are you against the idea because of how it would make you feel or how it affects him?

If you are honest it's because of how you would feel. But im sure you would say that its about protecting his identity etc.

How would you feel if your ex said she wanted him to have your last name? I bet you'd love that right?

The net effect is the same on the child. except that by adopting his step-dads name he also gains a sense of place and security within the family unit that he lives.

He doesnt LIVE with you right??

As much as you may not like it he lives with his mum. That is his primary place of care. That is where he should above every other place on earth feel secure.

Im not saying he wont feel secure with you - not at all saying that - but his HOME should be as strong as possible.

I know its hard, but you have to remove your emotions from it. Think about what is best for the boy. If he is safe and secure and happy. And he knows who you are and that you love him and care about him, what difference is a surname?

If your ex and her new man have another baby, all the kids in the house will have the same name. Wouldnt YOU as a caring father want that?

You have to be strong to get to this point but it i believe it is the right thing.

I hope i dont sound disrespectful to you or heartless.

Everyone says they want whats best for the child, but more often what they want is whats best for them. They cant get past the hurt.

And dont look at everything as a battle, or that you are giving in to your ex.

Trust me, even if you were living with her you wouldn't win many arguments!

Seriously though, mothers (generally) do know more about whats right for our kids than we do. and by and large they have a greater ability to put their children first than men. Im not saying she is always right, but she aint always your enemy either. She probably isnt doing things to hurt you. She is just trying to get on with life and bring up a child the best way she can. and it is hard for her too.


Again. I dont mean any disrespect. I hope for your sake you find a new and better life for yourself sometime soon.

irish_stu

hi mac,i take all your points onboard

Let me ask. Why dont you want him to change his name?

can i ask if you have had any experience regarding court and access to kids.......i personally found it difficult,the whole 3 to 4 years of dealing with solicitors and noting every minute of my life,i be man enough to admit it,it drove me to things i never would have done if i not be put under that pressure, you cant comment on my situation,likewise i would not on others,i can only share my experience in the hoping it helps at least one person out,

He doesnt LIVE with you right?? he doesnt live with me no,he has two homes, and we are litterally around the corner from each other,and in prob have nore free time to spend with him than his mother does,cos she works and he stays with me weekends and i see him on wednesday when i collect him from school.so i not be a typical weekend dad,cos i battled and fought things are the way they are now,even me and his mother and my son went out together for bite to eat last week,we have got over our fights,

And dont look at everything as a battle,

its a battle she started,and i was brave enough to fight it out to the end.as for his name change,i went thru mill to get name on birthcert,and guardianship and so on,so me allowing her to change his name is a big thing to me,what was the point in going thru the whole process of courts when i had to fight to have my name sit alongside his name on paper,sje was with her present partner at the time when i took her to court,and i knew that marriage was an issue for them,sure i may as well just stuck his name on birthcert.......
i dont want this thread to start going into what i think is right or wat you think is right,i started this thread for reassurence for myself,so i knew what to expect,when i read your reply,to be honest it made my blood boil,but took on board from an outsider point of view,but whilst its easy to ask me allthese questions its just as easy for me to reply,you might not agree,but if your feet where in my shoes at those moments maybe you would see where i was coming from.but thanks for opening up a new avenue for me....

angelfire9

I'm kinda writing from the other side of the fence. As a mother of a 4 year old I had to pressurise my ex to put his name on her birth cert because he does not want a relationship with her at the moment, and at least now I know if anything happens to me his name is there in black and white for her to look him up if she wants to.
Regarding your question your ex will need your permission to change his surname. If his birth cert has already been changed once (which appears to be the case) it cannot be changed again, so if she wants to change his name there are only 2 options available to her, either adoption as previously discussed or by deed poll. Both of which will require your consent, if you refuse to give consent she can try and compel you through the courts but i doubt she'd go that far given the costs involved (unless she's a totally vindictive cow??). I assume you do know that family law court does not require you to have a solicitor present you can represent yourself? Unless the legal arguments are very complicated (and I assume you've sorted all the complicated stuff by now) you should be more than capable of representing yourself at any future hearings. It takes guts and alot of courage, but it can be done.
Good luck to you anyway, i know its not easy but you'd be amazed the strength you can find when it comes to doing things for your kids!

irish_stu

thanks for the response,regarding the birthcert issue,i think i was lucky enough that the birthcert had not to be changed,on my sons initial issuing of his birthcert i was put down on it,but it was hassle in doing so,and regarding solicitors and family courts she had hired some big shot barrister,so i did same,just a local solicitor who was great help,cos in court i was like a bag of spanners,felt the whole ordeal intimidating,like i was up for murder,no matter what,i was the one who had to defend my self,i had to answer her briefs questions,i had to disclose my finances,i found it very biased, regarding your situation your personally better off without your ex,but your child needs a father figure,maybe your present partner will be a good figure in your childs life,and fair play to you for persuing him,he is the one missing out,least when she gets older she has the choice of finding out who was the person that misssed out on her growing up....