Is there a right to privacy within a relationship?

nesf

Had a long discussion with an American friend of mine and she was shocked by my opinion that people in a relationship have a right to some degree of privacy.

It was odd. Her view was that it was the norm (at least in the US) for people in long term relationships to share everything and be totally open with each other. Complete honesty was required for a relationship to work. Both in action and in thought. Neither should be kept private.

My view is that while one should be open and honest about things concerning the relationship, that you still have a right to some degree of privacy over your personal thoughts, some experiences and things like secrets that others have told you. I strongly believe in the right to mental privacy. This would conflict with the above.

I suppose, in essence, it's a question of whether two people in a relationship are the one, or whether they are seperate individuals who partially share their lives and experiences with each other.


What are people's opinions? Is total honesty expected in a relationship, or do people not expect their partners to share everything with them?

Do people believe that complete honesty is even possible between two people? I'm not so sure that it is.

Vangelis

This ALL depends on what kind of things you're speaking of talking openly about and not. Complete honesty does not involve sharing all your thoughts, it is about being truthful when there is doubt about something, when something is being questioned. TO ME, it is.

Rev Hellfire

I think in a relationship the level of privacy a person expects is directly related to the amount of trust they have.
For example some people would say reading your wife/husbands sms messages is ok, but personally I feel this is a sure sign of lack of trust.
While I certainly have no problem with my wife opening bills addressed to me, although she would never actually do it without asking me, I would have a problem with a personal letter send by a friend been opened and read without my express permission. Both are an invasion of your privacy, but in a marriage (or permanent relationship) both parties do as a norm accept that certain privacies that a single person enjoys are waved(ie financial matters).
It’s the intent that matters really.

Dades

Rev Hellfire wrote:

While I certainly have no problem with my wife opening bills addressed to me, although she would never actually do it without asking me, I would have a problem with a personal letter send by a friend been opened and read without my express permission. Both are an invasion of your privacy, but in a marriage (or permanent relationship) both parties do as a norm accept that certain privacies that a single person enjoys are waved(ie financial matters).
It’s the intent that matters really.

My thoughts exactly.

The idea of a completely open relationship is not a realistic one. Maybe it works for a very small amount of people, but if every couple were to voice every thought in their heads there'd be a whole lot of unnecessary friction. Ignorance is frequently bliss in marriage. I, for one, don't want to hear thought going on in my wife's head.

It also leaves no room for surprises, which isn't a good thing IMO.
It can be nice to discover a little secret every now and again.

ianmc38

I think everybody is entitled to have their own personal secrets. Any trusting relationship involving love will allow for this.

Tar.Aldarion

If you care enough about each other then,for me, it's sharing everything but secrets you are keeping for other people.
Depends on what kind of person you are though and how secretive,although i am very private and never tell people anything about my thoughts...

Beruthiel

Rev Hellfire wrote:

I think in a relationship the level of privacy a person expects is directly related to the amount of trust they have.
For example some people would say reading your wife/husbands sms messages is ok, but personally I feel this is a sure sign of lack of trust.
While I certainly have no problem with my wife opening bills addressed to me, although she would never actually do it without asking me, I would have a problem with a personal letter send by a friend been opened and read without my express permission. Both are an invasion of your privacy, but in a marriage (or permanent relationship) both parties do as a norm accept that certain privacies that a single person enjoys are waved(ie financial matters).
It’s the intent that matters really.

agree with all of the above

things like secrets that others have told you

I would be of the opinion that if someone told you something in confidence, then it is kept between the two of you and I don't see why you would need tell your partner.

Imposter

Imo it depends on the relationship. You should share what you want to share with each other, what both partners are comfortable sharing with each other. If you don't want to tell them something/share something with them/etc then don't. If your partner cannot handle that you don't want to share whatever it is and does accept your right to do that then that's a different problem.

Maccattack

Such a 'right' would be/is totally unenforceable.

Whatever works works. What doesnt doesnt. Simple.

Sleepy

Of course there's the right to privacy in a relationship. However, there's also the duty to share certain pieces of information. Secrets you're privy to are not something you should be revealing to your partner (unless of course it's something your partner should be aware of).

When it comes to your history, it depends entirely on the relationship. Personally, I like to know about a partner's history and have no problems in them knowing mine. It's not something I feel I have a *right* to know, but it's something I do kind of expect a partner to want to share with me. After all, our past experiences are a large part of who we are today.

While there's a right to privacy in a relationship, I'd feel that there are certain things (e.g. a past history of alcoholism, abuse, mental illness, prison etc.) that you have a right to be aware of in a committed relationship. Other things you have a right to keep to yourself and that it would perhaps be detrimental to your relationship to share with your partner (e.g. the fact that you enjoyed certain sexual activities with a previous partner etc.).

oneweb

You bring up two completely different issues - 1)privacy and 2)honesty.

A healthy relationship should have total honesty and some privacy. It is not always necessary for another person, no matter how close, to know absolutely everything about another or what another person knows. If you are asked a question about something that was told to you privately, just being honest and saying you promised you wouldn't tell anyone should be enough.

nesf

Rev Hellfire wrote:

I think in a relationship the level of privacy a person expects is directly related to the amount of trust they have.
For example some people would say reading your wife/husbands sms messages is ok, but personally I feel this is a sure sign of lack of trust.
While I certainly have no problem with my wife opening bills addressed to me, although she would never actually do it without asking me, I would have a problem with a personal letter send by a friend been opened and read without my express permission. Both are an invasion of your privacy, but in a marriage (or permanent relationship) both parties do as a norm accept that certain privacies that a single person enjoys are waved(ie financial matters).
It’s the intent that matters really.

I'd agree 100%

Really, I think that if you trust someone you shouldn't need to hear/see every little detail. If you do, then you can't really claim to trust them imho.

oneweb, I agree, honest and privacy are not the same, a misuse of words on my part.

simu

nesf wrote:

Had a long discussion with an American friend of mine and she was shocked by my opinion that people in a relationship have a right to some degree of privacy.

It was odd. Her view was that it was the norm (at least in the US) for people in long term relationships to share everything and be totally open with each other. Complete honesty was required for a relationship to work. Both in action and in thought. Neither should be kept private.

My view is that while one should be open and honest about things concerning the relationship, that you still have a right to some degree of privacy over your personal thoughts, some experiences and things like secrets that others have told you. I strongly believe in the right to mental privacy. This would conflict with the above.

I suppose, in essence, it's a question of whether two people in a relationship are the one, or whether they are seperate individuals who partially share their lives and experiences with each other.


What are people's opinions? Is total honesty expected in a relationship, or do people not expect their partners to share everything with them?

Do people believe that complete honesty is even possible between two people? I'm not so sure that it is.

Ah, this person is a graduate of the Hallmark School of Psychology, eh? It's not possible to share all of one's mental experiences with another and neither is it desirable in many instances. This isn't being dishonest - it's just a necessary feature of our existence as individuals imo.

nobodythere

I think that this really depends on how serious the relationship is.

My first (and only) relationship started when I turned 15 and lasted a year and a half. This was a very open relationship, and we shared everything with each other. But as we grew older we came to disagree on some things, and I couldn't talk about some things because it would usually end up in an argument. By the end of the relationship I couldn't really trust her with anything without fear of being criticised.

I never want that kind of relationship again. After a while it becomes a sort of obligation to share everything. The other would feel offended if you went a full day without texting them. Has anyone else ever been stuck like that with someone? If you're not constantly holding their hand and showing affection, you must be angry at them about something.

It's strange because at the start of my first relationship I couldn't see why some couples didn't have to hold hands all the time... Lol.

Any girl who shows interest, I try to keep my distance a little because I find that most people end up in this relationship where if you're not in constant contact there must be something wrong. That's an awful way to have a relationship!

So for ages I just didn't want a relationship at all because I didn't want to have to share everything with everyone. I'm a FREE MAN! I don't have to answer to anyone. If I feel like turning off my phone and sitting in a field in the middle of nowhere for a day, nobody is gonna take any offense at all or ask me where I was.

To be able to absolutely share yourself with someone and experience life together is a BEAUTIFUL thing... it's absolute poetry! But when you're OBLIGATED to tell them everything and bring them everywhere it becomes something oppressive as opposed to liberating, and only causes bitterness.

I think that jealousy and need are the two things in a relationship that can really destroy it. If you're in a relationship primarily to take and not to share/give, that relationship is going down the shitter. Those who need constant attention and unconditional love to feel happy within themselves are simply insecure, and this will reflect upon their relationship --

"Beware those who seek crowds, for they are nothing alone" - Charles Bukowski.

Vangelis

grasshopa, I echo your sentiments. Nobody is obliged to tell everything to their partner. It takes a bit of understanding and patience from the other party that you're not going to bring up all kinds of things. Some things belong to the past, some things you want to sort out on your own, some things are too hard to talk about. I tell my boyfriend that I'm there for him when he needs me, but I don't invite myself into his world. He shares his life with me freely and I'm so lucky to have found such a generous and INCLUSIVE man. Of course, if the one party does not want to share anything, the relationship is pretty much broken. But it's a subtle balance, I'd say, and very individual.

Seraphina

everyone has the right to privacy, however i feel if its a persons thoughts or opinions related to the relationship/me, then, well i dont have a right to know, but i believe its only fair if you share it.
otherwise your thoughts are your own. at the same time, choosing not to share things can be quite frustrating for the other person. i am currently in a relationship with someone who is quite closed off (well they have been opening up recently) something which i found very... uncomfortable i suppose is the word. because of their lack of sharing thoughts/opinions whatever, i found myself unsure of where i stood in the relationship, and often quite confused about certain actions/whatever.
but maybe thats just me, i am pretty insecure.

WhiteWashMan

i think it 100% depends on the people in the relationship.

some people need to feel that they are sharing everything and that they have given themselves 110% to their partner, and in return ask the same.
some people dont feel the need to share everything.