Adoration From Afar

Shane2k5

I have written several short stories, but this is my first attempt at a poem. Let me know what you think. Feel free to edit it or make changes as you see fit. Indeed, this is my first attempt. I'm writing it for a friend.

Adoration From Afar

What must I do to be the object of your affection?
Must I Lie, Cheat, Steal, Filch, and become a Hell-Raiser?
This is my perplexity,
For I cannot do these actions with a true and gentle heart.
You exalt me day-after-day,
I inhale your fragrant perfume with the morning mist.
As the morning mist fades into the blue sky,
I envisage your smiling face,
Like a vestige of the moon upon my optics.
The whistling chatter of mother winter,
Reminds me of your cherishing cackle.
As the chilly October breeze rustles tumbling leaves around me,
I conceive of you in my embrace.
As the twinkle of stars in the night,
You come to me in deep slumber.
Like an angel entering my dreams.
Bat as my eyes whimper in the light of dawn,
I fight to keep you in my yawns.
Indeed, I adore you from afar.

NoDayBut2Day

I like it

It has a certain type of ring to it.

Thanks for sharing

Shane2k5

Thanks, I appreciate the comment. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. I've made some changes, but I'm still working on it.

Shane2k5

Sorry, I mispelled "Bat", I meant "But"

" Bat as my eyes whimper in the light of dawn,"

" But as my eyes whimper in the light of dawn,"

NoDayBut2Day

Don't worry - I knew what you meant. It's so easy to make a typo that goes un-noticed.

studentjourno

Aw, thats nice. I would change one word though: 'cackle', I just think its too harsh for the other words which have a much softer sound.

humbleCounty

hmmm, i have to say i dont like it. Im not sure how to get across what i mean without being offensive, so if i am none intended!

To me it comes across as being too contrived, it seems quite static, with overly complicated (not the right word!) words, that don't seem natural at all. It feels like you are trying to write a poem too much, and not trying to say what you feel... if that makes any sense! I guess im trying to say that i dont see any soul in it, just style.

Shane2k5

humbleCounty wrote:

hmmm, i have to say i dont like it. Im not sure how to get across what i mean without being offensive, so if i am none intended!

To me it comes across as being too contrived, it seems quite static, with overly complicated (not the right word!) words, that don't seem natural at all. It feels like you are trying to write a poem too much, and not trying to say what you feel... if that makes any sense! I guess im trying to say that i dont see any soul in it, just style.

Very true words humbleCounty. I appreciate the critisizm. Thats the only way I can improve my work. I added complex words in order for it to not seem bland. Oops.

Shane2k5

studentjourno wrote:

Aw, thats nice. I would change one word though: 'cackle', I just think its too harsh for the other words which have a much softer sound.

Here is my first revision. Tell me what you think, and where I can improve. Thanks...

Adoration From Afar

What must I do to be the object of your affection?
Must I Lie, Cheat, Steal, and become a Hell-Raiser?
This is my perplexity,
for I cannot do these actions with a true and gentle heart.
Even though you exalt me day after day.
As the morning mist fades into the brisk blue sky,
I inhale your fragrant perfume,
like dewy pedals of a blooming flower.
I envisage your smiling face,
like a vestige of the moon upon my eyes.
The whistling chatter of mother winter,
reminds me of your cherishing laughter.
As the chilly October breeze rustles tumbling leaves around me,
I conceive of you in my embrace.
As the twinkle of stars in the night aura,
you come to me in a deep slumber,
like an angel entering my dreams.
But as my eyes whimper in the light of dawn,
I fight to keep you in my yawns.
Indeed, I adore you from afar.