Love of my life gone

singlette

Hi,

I'm new to this posting lark, been a backseat driver for a while.
For the last 3 years I've been in the most wonderful relationship with someone I truely care about. He was my first boyfriend and the one I shared a lot of things with for the first time. He really changed my life.

When we started going out I was very much introvert and found it very claustrophobic becuase I hadn't been out with anyone before. Not used to going on dates many times a week etc. After 2 months I had a hissy fit and backed off. We got back together shortly after (like a day or so later). Thing is, in the beginning everything was moving so fast. He used to talk about marriage etc and then all future talk stopped. We had aguments and threatened breakups every 6 months or so becuase he used to say "I'm not 100 % sure if I want kids". This really upset me. The last argument was last Christmas and I gave it until lastnight to address it again to ask. He had said that we might move in together, so naturally I asked about commitment in light of this.

To this he said that he is not able to make a commitment to me. He doesn't know if he wants kids yet. Thing is, I doooo want kids. Not tomorrow, but I do want them some day. I think that after 3 years he should have an idea if he wants to commit. I mean not to say "YEA YEA I'll get ye a ring". I mean, "Ok, well, not right now, but maybe in a couple of years we might think about it" .. but he gives a dead set "No, I cannot commit to you" and a "I amn't 100% sure I want kids" answer again.

I love this guy to bits and back again, I really do, but to make a sacrifice that big for someone and not have some sort of resentment later is not something I want to try. I don't want to turn around in 5 years still going around in circles. I was nice about it, but told him I couldn't go on feeling that I am unacceptable to him, when he is so loved and perfect in my eyes. I can't stay with someone who could deny me the chance of having a child in 5 years or so.

He was to call me tonight, not a tinkle on the phone. So I think it is over. I am gutted. Feel like I have lost the love of my life and a very very good friend. But itsn't it just life that we can't agree on it.

Gutted


Singlette

Dinxminx

Hey, just read your post. Poor singlette. In fairness though, you've been going out three years. He's suposed to have his mind made up. Surely if he's stuck around for so long he loves you and wants to be with you. But then again, why would he say all that "No, I cannot commit to you" stuff then? My boyfriend and I will have been going out a year on the first of next month and I feel about him the way you say you feel about your boyfriend. But if he said that to me in two years I'd be very upset. I don't know if I'd have the willpower to break up with him, but I think it would break us up in the end. Bitterness and resentment have a way of coming along and biting you in the ass....

I'm really sorry you feel so sh*tty. It'll all work out hopefully.
Let me know how it goes.
*Gives Singlette a big big hug*

xxx

Souless

Its always crappy to end/have someone end a relationship alright Im just out of a two and a half year one recently. we will probably still be friends however so thats nice I guess.

Anyway my point being is if you were having arguements all the time maybe it just wasn't ment to be. I dont mean to be cruel but I speak from experience. I mean myself and my ex-gf argued all the time near the end of our relationship and we both kinda knew we would be better off ending it and trying to stay friends instead, as towards the end it was like we were just hanging on to a relationship just for the sake of being in one.

Another point I have is that just because he says he doesnt want kids now doesn't mean that he wont change his mind about this. Just don't be preshering him all the time asking him why he doesn't want to. Obviously make it known that you want to have kids at somestage. However thats obviously nothing to worry about at the moment as in your post you said
"Thing is, I doooo want kids. Not tomorrow, but I do want them some day".
If you dont want them today then I don't see what the problem is as I say chances are he will change his mind as he gets older. Also im not sure what ages yous are so Im only analysing the problem in a general kinda way.

Also just because he didn't ring you tonight doesnt mean that its over :S I mean its not the end of the world if he didn't ring you. If you want to talk to him try ringing him.

My last point for you is that I would be worried about the fact that he said he doesn't know about the commitment thing. Well I personally think going out with just one person for 3 years is quite a commitment, however again this may be different depending on your age I mean im only 18 so the the 2 & 1/2 years I spent with my ex-gf was a huge commitment in my eyes.

Anyway hope this helps you and sorry if I seem a little bit harsh but im just trying to give ya my point of view on the subject, not that I know you personally or anything :P. Hope it all turns out ok for you in the end anyway.

singlette

Thanks for the posts guys. I do need an objective opinion on this.
Its just really difficult dealing with this. So any comments are really helpful to me

Zombrex

How old are you both, if you don't mind me asking? You say this is your first relationship, so I am guessing you are both under 25. If that is the case, speaking from a mans point of view even talking about kids is damn scary, let alone deciding now if you want them or not. Why was kids even brought up as an issue when you are both quite young (if you are in fact as young as it sounds)?

The_Conductor

I'm going to play devil's advocate here.....
Ok- you had problems, you had conflicting ideas of what you wanted for the future- or perhaps what you thought the other person did or did not want.

I know what its like to be sitting waiting for a phone call that never comes, I know how gutted you can feel. Unfortunately sometimes the other person just does not comprehend what they are (or are not) doing.

If you really love someone- you should not give up. People hurt each other, people who love each other hurt each other more than anyone else ever possibly can. You are hurt now- instead of using your hurt to bring everything into one mighty cresendo- talk things over with a friend and calm down before tackling your boyfriend and saying something that maybe you mean in the heat of the moment, but that in retrospect you will regret.

Whoever wrote Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus- did have a valid point. The opposite sexes misunderstand each other more than we ever imagine. Guys just do not 'get' timescales. Guys do not get that when a girl expresses a future desire to have children- that its not the short-term that she has in mind (and most guys, were we to honestly think about it, probably haven't really thought this one out for ourselves anyhow). A yes- turns into a maybe, a no is open to debate. There always is a position that everyone can compromise to- its trying not to murder each other on the road to compromising that is the difficult part.

If you really do love him- work on him, all relationships need work, some more-so than others. If he loves you too- you will both have a happy future together.

Learning to understand each other- even after forever (years and years)- can be the most difficult thing of all.

Best of good luck to you!

singlette

Wicknight wrote:

How old are you both, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm 32 , he is 36

smccarrick wrote:

If you really do love him- work on him, all relationships need work, some more-so than others. If he loves you too- you will both have a happy future together.

Yes, I do really love him. He says he loves me, but the arguements we had are what he blames for not wanting to commit. Do you not think Shane that this is something that someone should know after 3 years? Surely if he loves me, he should feel comfortable to commit to me after that amount of time?

I didn't expect him to drop being single and rush to applebys for a ring, just to give some sort of an idea and explain things. We had spoken about moving in with each other, but both owning houses, thats a big move to make - for someone who doesn't know if the other truely accepts them.

I really appreciate all of you taking time to jot thoughts on this.

mad m

At 36 and three years in a relationship with you, you are right to want to know where you stand,and if he kept saying "NO" well then what do you do.Its not like you are just teenager or in mid twenties.

I suppose your body clock is ticking and telling you "BABY!!!".Having kids is a big step.I think you should take time out for yourself and dont contact boyfriend for a bit.

Get your head sorted,its going to be hard not to ring him or think about him.Its been said before and it will be said in future,but he might begin to think after a while what he had and misses.Just dont ring him,if he rings you well and good.Try not to get into any rows over it,play it cool.

Tiriel

there's nothing worse than feeling insecure. it's a horrible way to live.

If that is how you are feeling, not knowing how he feels and hoping that he will turn around some day and commit.. you can't just live for the future. Right now you have today.. and you should be enjoying it and happy in yourself and your relationship.

It took me a while to accept that, and I'm still getting to terms with a break-up myself. But I no longer have a feeling of insecurity with someone else.. I can move on and I feel a lot stronger for it. I hope that you will put yourself first, and think about what you really want. I hope you will make the right decision for you and best of luck x

annR

Hi Singlette

You did the right thing, and I'm so sorry that it's come to this. Really bad luck. I myself don't understand guys who can hang around for 3 years and then say they can't commit. What are they doing? What's their plan? Nothing, just nothing. You will get nothing from them.

I've heard of this sort of thing going on for 6 or 7 years, and the couple have been living together etc. At least you're not in that mess. You *don't* want to be living with someone who is still saying they can't commit to you because it's so much harder to get out of.

You're absolutely right in what you say

>>I couldn't go on feeling that I am unacceptable to him, when he is so loved and perfect in my eyes.<<

You will find someone more accepting and deserving.

Ann

kas

I understand your situation, but at least he was honest with you.
Some guys just dont want to be tied down to a relationship at any age, it's an enormous sacrifice even without kids.

But hey, plently of guys do want the wife, kids, morgage and 9 to 5.
Find one of them.

dramaqueen

I agree with the previous opinion that you shouldn't contact him. You have told him where you stand and what you want. Give him the space he needs to decide if he can give you that.
After 3 years in a relationship, you have every right to know where you stand. And of course you have every right to say that you want children in the future. If he really won't ever want children he should say so and let you move on. Right now he is wasting your time.
There is no point in being in a relationship that has no future.
If you find the idea of breaking up with him now, hard, imagine how you will feel after another 3 years if he turns around and says no children ever.
Move onto the next faze of your relationship with your eyes open and your cards on the table, or leave the relationship.
But don't push him into a decision. Give him the time he needs. And be prepared to accept his decision. If he comes back to you and says that he still can't decide, then it's time for you to decide how far are you are going to let him mess you around. You can't keep wondering.
It's not like he is a kid. He should grow up and make a decision one way or the other.
I'd say don't contact him for at least a week and then meet him for a chat.

singlette

So what do I do. Do I delete his numbers from my phone and ignore any calls.
I feel absolutely gutted, couldn't sleep lastnight was still awake at 5 this morning. I feel so hurt. He was more than a boyfriend to me, he was my best friend and now I feel as if I have nobody.

Thats why I find all of your comments are helping me. I know none of you know me, but the comments are helping me and talking with you is helping me to see and understand from another perspective, instead of tunnel vision.

I don't want to wallow in it and get on with it. Its so difficult to do that becuase he took up quite a lot of my life.
I adored him, first thing I thought about when I got up, last thing I thought about when I went to bed. He was my baby, not anymore though.

I think I am overtired today .. not a good day, when you've less than adequate sleep, things tend to look a lot worse. You know what they say about light at the end of the tunnel?? Well, for me its the port tunnel and there is a big truck stuck at the end, blocking the light!! Gotta have some humour and snap out of it!

dudara

singlette wrote:

I feel absolutely gutted, couldn't sleep lastnight was still awake at 5 this morning. I feel so hurt. He was more than a boyfriend to me, he was my best friend and now I feel as if I have nobody. Thats how I feel, on the other side, I don't want to wallow in it and get on with it. Its so difficult to do that becuase he took up quite a lot of my life.
I adored him, first thing I thought about when I got up, last thing I thought about when I went to bed. He was my baby, not anymore though.

Been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. It's horrible.

Communication is so difficult at times with the person you love. There is such a connection between a couple that you forget at times to communicate. (If that makes sense). I would recommend leaving things alone for a few days, to let emotions settle somewhat and allow reason to kick it.

Chrissie

Hi Singlette, that's like reading my own story (a V long one) so I'll cut it short.

I know exactly where you're coming from, been there, going through it.

I'm 25, bf (or ex bf) 34. Gong out 5 yrs. Always said didn't want children, I always did, if I brought up the subject he'd get me to drop it.
Always put it to the back of my mind, but like you, I wasn't going to stay with him hoping that he'd eventually change his mind, if he didn't I'd have wasted my life, have no children & resent him, wasn't going to risk that.
Broke up with him last Fri! He said he'd have children (just to keep me no doubt) but what good's that, imagine in 3 yrs time you or I getting pregnant, we'd be terrified telling them, would they walk out the door or what... Either way, you'd know what is the best news in your life would not be the best news in their life.

It's V hard & I'm V lonely, but I know I've done the right thing. We never fought, were really good to each other, love each other so much. I look 10yrs down the line & I can't imagine him not being in my life, but if my life's to be a happy one then I think I need him out of it.
For most women children is the most important thing to them, having a partner who doesn't share the same feelings will always leave you hurt.

Just like mine, your fell is old enough now to have grown up & to be ready to mature, havng children is generally a natural step of growing up. If he's not ready now, he won't be.
You have to let go as there's no future, just save yourself yrs in finding that out.

Well that's what I think anyway,
Best of luck, we'll get there...

dramaqueen

singlette wrote:

So what do I do. Do I delete his numbers from my phone and ignore any calls.
I feel absolutely gutted, couldn't sleep lastnight was still awake at 5 this morning. I feel so hurt. He was more than a boyfriend to me, he was my best friend and now I feel as if I have nobody.


I don't want to wallow in it and get on with it. Its so difficult to do that becuase he took up quite a lot of my life.
I adored him, first thing I thought about when I got up, last thing I thought about when I went to bed. He was my baby, not anymore though.

Ok you are talking about him in the past tense! I wonder what that means...

You said that he hasn't contacted you since you had your conversation the other night. If I were you I would just leave it for now. If he does contact you, I would just tell him that you think you both need some time with this decision as it's a very important one. Tell him that you want him to really think about how he feels, and arrange a day to discuss it. I would give it at least 3/4 days if not a week.
He might take the time and realise that he only wants to be with you, and if that means having a family in the future then he will accept that - how would you feel about that, by the way? Would you accept that or would you need him to want the children as much as you?
If you absolutely want to have a family, don't be prepared to give that up. You will always resent him. In ten years time you will look at your friends playing with their kids and hate him for what he has denied you.
Take your time, this is painful to experience, but it will be worth it in the end.
Treat yourself this week. Spend time with your other friends, take long hot baths, book a facial. In otherwords, fill the week with you time.
I know it's hard, but the outcome of this is out of your hands for now. Worrying about it will not change it. Try to be positive and know that what's for you, will come to you.

LegacyUser

Chrissie wrote:

I'm 25, bf (or ex bf) 34. Gong out 5 yrs. Always said didn't want children, I always did, if I brought up the subject he'd get me to drop it.
Always put it to the back of my mind, but like you, I wasn't going to stay with him hoping that he'd eventually change his mind, if he didn't I'd have wasted my life, have no children & resent him, wasn't going to risk that.
Broke up with him last Fri! He said he'd have children (just to keep me no doubt) but what good's that, imagine in 3 yrs time you or I getting pregnant, we'd be terrified telling them, would they walk out the door or what... Either way, you'd know what is the best news in your life would not be the best news in their life.

Ive just been through almost exactly the same situation as you except on the other side of the fence (down to the same ages) and believe me when i tell you that its entirely possible that he wants children but just never admitted it to himself and it took you leaving to make him realise that. a few months ago I would not have considered babies and option, but since my ex and I split up, i have given it a lot of thought and am much more open to the idea. Unfortunatly, its a bit too late now. As was mentioned above, men just dont think in the long term and as difficult as it might be for someone your age to believe, people in their 30's are more than capable of being guilty of procrastination as much as people in their 20's. Remember that men just dont have that clock ticking and its very easy to overlooks your partners one.

Just like mine, your fell is old enough now to have grown up & to be ready to mature, havng children is generally a natural step of growing up. If he's not ready now, he won't be.
You have to let go as there's no future, just save yourself yrs in finding that out.

This is rubbish. A lot of men have real commitment difficulties (from the point of view of women anyway) and will happily bury their heads in the sand when it comes to kids for as long as possible. When they say they dont want kids 'now' it really can mean 'right this minute' and they can come round to the idea in a suprisingly short space of time. To yourself and the OP, if you really do love your BF and want to see it work out, Give your BF's a bit of time to come round to the idea.

Elessar

What is more important to you

children or him?

singlette

Elessar wrote:

What is more important to you

children or him?

What is more important to me is him, but I feel that he does not accept me.
I think I said in an earlier post that I didn't expect him to say "yes, yes yes .. right now .. lets go ...". But only to know if he could see me in the future and if so, in what capacity. I don't think I am being unreasonable to want to know the story with commitment after 3 years. And asking abou t the future shouldn't instigate a big sigh from the one you love. If he had put his arm around me and told me he loved me very much and he hoped one day .. a few years away we would get hitched .. then I would have felt a little more secure about it. But the way he said it made me feel very hurt and insecure.
It is natural for a girl to want these things. Yes, at the moment, short term .. he is more important .. but long term that would turn to dissent if he did not want children. It is important to look to longterm when you are in your thirties as you don't have 5 - 6 years to mess around with someone who does not share your dreams.

If your 19 .. or even in your mid 20's that kind on indecision is acceptable. Not in the thirties.

savoyard

After 3 years, you're right: a 36 year old man should know whether or not he's ready to commit.

Myself and my bf used to swing between wanting and not wanting kids. One year it would be me, the next him. But that was when we were in our twenties. I'm the same age as you and although I am not trying to get pregnant, we know the old clock is ticking (as does your bf), and I don't think you are being in anyway unreasonable in trying to figure it out.

It doesn't sound like it is just about kids though - if he is not ready for commitment now, he may never be. Perhaps you need to give him an ultimatum - not to try and force him into anything he doesn't want to do, but to find out for yourself whether it is worth hanging around. He says he "might" move in? I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound good and perhaps you need to decide whether it is worth staying with him to try and get a commitment out of him or just cut your losses and get out.

You are totally right to look at the longterm - you want a loving committed relationship that may lead to kids. You should make the decision as to whether you want to risk spending another year or two with a guy who doesn't seem to know what he wants at 36.

My personal opinion is that people can love each other all they want, but if they can't visualise a similar future, it can be hard for it to work out for the best.

Best of luck

Elessar

singlette wrote:

What is more important to me is him.....

....but long term that would turn to dissent if he did not want children.

Well then you can see yourself what you're saying: that the most important thing for you is children. Read your reply to my post again - "It is important to look long-term" you said.


Ask yourself this: Would you be content spending the rest of your life with him, with no children?


Forget about the way he said it. Pretend he did put his arm around you and said he loved you and wanted to get married one day, but did not want children. Then ask yourself the same question.

Chrissie

Non-commital:- "To yourself and the OP, if you really do love your BF and want to see it work out, Give your BF's a bit of time to come round to the idea."

Time, how much time do they need???? Another 34/36 years!!!!
I'm afraid mother nature doesn't wait that long.

Yes, we both love the partner V much, just (in my case, not enough to waste the rest of my life)

Newshound

I think you were a bit rash here.
Men of his age generally do want children. They are at a stage where they need to settle it in themselves that they can have children at that point.
Look around at most of the married men you know. i bet they nearly all have children. i Bet they never would have thought of themselves amrried anf fathers even up to a year before they got married. It just happens, you cant ask it to happen.
You have reacted to your own needs here and not considered the consequences.

Lets say you said nothing and you still had him. All would be well and he would take his time, and you might get married and have kids.

Now, you have lost him, and (assuming you've hurt him) will not have him again. This means that you now have to go out and look again. Another man, when you do eventually find him will need a number of years to decide he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. This is usually about 5 years with men i know.

I have seen so many women in your position lose they man they love because they pushed too hard. They then end up desperately looking for someone while the clock is ticking and it never works out. How many people do you know where the woman is in her thirties got married within 2 years of meeting. This is not an ideal amount of time to decide you want to spend your life with someone at all.

Think about what you have done and see if you can repair it now before its too late. Dont wait for him to call. Thats a teenage attitude that leads nowhere. Only you can do sonething about it and only you know the real situation.

singlette

Newshound wrote:

I think you were a bit rash here.
Men of his age generally do want children.

He said he didn't want them. I take his word for it.

Newshound wrote:

Lets say you said nothing and you still had him. All would be well and he would take his time, and you might get married and have kids.

"might". I don't want a might. I want to go out with someone who does want to .. not NOW .. but in the future.

Newshound wrote:

Now, you have lost him, and (assuming you've hurt him) will not have him again. This means that you now have to go out and look again. Another man, when you do eventually find him will need a number of years to decide he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. This is usually about 5 years with men i know.

Thanks, I needed to hear that. I feel great now. In fact, leaving work becuase I can't take anymore of it.

ionapaul

Hmm, almost all of my male friends in their late 20s would happily admit to wanting children at some stage - where are all these 35 year olds terrified of children and of commitment? I think the OP was right to make her decision, if they can't see the same future ahead of them, they are probably better off apart. There are plenty of wonderful people out there more suitable for both parties in question, men who want marriage and children and women who want the free and carefree life

annR

Newshound

>>I have seen so many women in your position lose they man they love because they pushed too hard.<<

Newshound I'm not sure you are really dealing with the reality that women who want children have to face. They have to face reality, face what their man is saying or not saying, weigh it up and make a decision based on the facts in front of them. We only get one life after all and a few more years in which to get pregnant.

You would have them get back with the guy and just hang in there, not pushing too hard and not hassling anybody. Nice easy life for everyone. Tell me, how long do you recommend they do that for? Maybe she should get pregnant accidentally on purpose and hope that he'll be ok with that and realise he does want kids? What about the fact that he couldn't see himself committing to her?

Vangelis

Hello Singlette!

I can't relate to your situation at all, but I am getting married some day with my current boyfriend. I don't want children because I want to spend my life with him only. Children don't mean anything to me. But of course to some it does. He respects me and still wants to marry me - of course!

What I am wondering is.. do you want to marry him to have children or because you love him? It seems to me like having having children is not the only issue here.

Get some sleep and search for your gut-feeling. The gut-feeling is always a good help!

Newshound

annR wrote:

Newshound

>>I have seen so many women in your position lose they man they love because they pushed too hard.<<

Newshound I'm not sure you are really dealing with the reality that women who want children have to face. They have to face reality, face what their man is saying or not saying, weigh it up and make a decision based on the facts in front of them. We only get one life after all and a few more years in which to get pregnant.

You would have them get back with the guy and just hang in there, not pushing too hard and not hassling anybody. Nice easy life for everyone. Tell me, how long do you recommend they do that for? Maybe she should get pregnant accidentally on purpose and hope that he'll be ok with that and realise he does want kids? What about the fact that he couldn't see himself committing to her?

I have been there myself and seen it in others many times.
You cant force someone to say 'Yes, in the future'. In fact doing this terrifies most men. I'm not trying to be harsh here, just trying to add some reality to all the tipe-toeing around that is happening in this thread.
She should call him and discuss this with him and not seek advice from those she doesnt know to make her feel better.
What do you reccomend she does. Go to a dating agency and tick the must want children withinin 2 years box.

OP i'm not trying to cut you up here. The reality is that men just decide, its ok to have children. They dont work like women. To most men its hold out as long as they can, then something clicks in their head and its a fathers mind hes then thinking with. It happens with men just like it happens with women, mother nature takes over.
You really need to talk to him, not a web site you know.

savoyard

Sorry newshound but i think you're talking rubbish.

Singlette,

You're right to react to your own needs and not hang around waiting until he manages to grow up. As for How many people do you know where the woman is in her thirties got married within 2 years of meeting. most of the weddings I have been to in the last year have been between couples who met in their thirties and got married within 2-3 years. I reckon its because the older you get, the more you know the difference between frogs and princes. One mate dumped her procastinating bf and within the year she was engaged to another guy, a lovely bloke. We all immediately knew he was SO much better for her. Three years is more than enough for mature adults to figure it out.

I have seen so many women in your position lose they man they love because they pushed too hard. They then end up desperately looking for someone while the clock is ticking and it never works out

Scaremongering rubbish. I've seen women push too hard, taking control of their own lives and ending up much happier because of it. People's relationships break up, they meet other people (usually much more suitable than the first lot ). I don't know who these desparate 30something women are; they're not among my friends

Singlette, put yourself first. I think you're totally right to expect commitment from him but only you can decide what level you're willing to put up with. good luck with whatever you decide

Sleipnir

SO you're lookin for commitment from him.

He agrees to move in with you but before he can "commit" to that, you're demanding he make another commitment for the future, NOW?!
Maybe he's afraid of commiting to so someone who's quite demanding?
Maybe he feels he won't have a choice in two or three years.
Why should he not have a choice at that point in time? Why does he have to decide now?
For you?
You say "commitment" but to me it sounds like you practically want him to sign a contract.

Newshound

savoyard wrote:

Sorry newshound but i think you're talking rubbish.

Singlette,

You're right to react to your own needs and not hang around waiting until he manages to grow up. As for How many people do you know where the woman is in her thirties got married within 2 years of meeting. most of the weddings I have been to in the last year have been between couples who met in their thirties and got married within 2-3 years. I reckon its because the older you get, the more you know the difference between frogs and princes. One mate dumped her procastinating bf and within the year she was engaged to another guy, a lovely bloke. We all immediately knew he was SO much better for her. Three years is more than enough for mature adults to figure it out.

I have seen so many women in your position lose they man they love because they pushed too hard. They then end up desperately looking for someone while the clock is ticking and it never works out

Scaremongering rubbish. I've seen women push too hard, taking control of their own lives and ending up much happier because of it. People's relationships break up, they meet other people (usually much more suitable than the first lot ). I don't know who these desparate 30something women are; they're not among my friends

Singlette, put yourself first. I think you're totally right to expect commitment from him but only you can decide what level you're willing to put up with. good luck with whatever you decide

Good on you.
Help her out why dont you. She could make herself so much happier by pushing herself to make 1 phonecall and your telling her to go out and find someone else. In case you didnt notice she loves this guy now, not someone else she might marry in 3 years. Its not a relationship thats over that you're talking about here, its one thats hit a bump.
Singlette, make that phonecall and find out one way or the other and get some closure. Too many times people decide to wait on the other to call and neither ever call then because both are too stubborn.

savoyard

Newshound, she has to decide whether she's willing to accept the level of commitment he is willing to give her. Your post basically said, hang on darling, men don't like to be rushed and if you mess this up now you'll be sad and lonely thirtysomething.

I'm pointing out that this is not the case - you shouldn't have a relationship based on the premise that you'll never find anyone else again and breaking up with someone at 32 doesn't meant you have to wait for 5 years for another chance. I've seen so many of my friends stick with a guy who continually refuses to commit and seen how miserable it has made them. And usually, these guys don't commit in the end. To be brutal, they end up committing to someone else.

I'm sure Singlette is intelligent enough to make her own decisions and not just do what someone on the internet tells her to. I'm not saying don't call him, I'm saying your life isn't over if you decide you can't accept his level of commitment.

RicardoSmith

He can't commit to her never mind kids. So it not about kids its about commitment. If at 36 and after 3yrs hes not sure, then time to move on.

Commiting to someone else, buying a place to together, sharing your bills, money, and eventually getting married and perhaps having kids, (which may or may not happen even you want it) are all big decision and require a mature person who can stand up make a decision and stick to it. If they can't for whatever reason make a decision then, then it points to a lack of character in my book. People don't change, they'll have the same problem with making decisions the rest of their life.

The reality is that you have finite amount of time on the planet and to have kids. You really can't waste it one people who take years to make a decision. Really you should be able to talk about anything with you partner. If they have a problem even discussing some issues, then thats really a big problem that won't go away.

Zombrex

Newshound wrote:

You cant force someone to say 'Yes, in the future'. In fact doing this terrifies most men. I'm not trying to be harsh here, just trying to add some reality to all the tipe-toeing around that is happening in this thread.

I would agree with you if the OP and her boyfriend were both in their early 20s (which initally I thought they were). But the BF is 36 (if I remember right), so really if he has made up his mind that he doesn't want children I would say that is that. Maybe he will change his mind as he gets into his 40s but really, I think the OP needs to be thinking about what she wants, and as she says she wants children in the nearer rather than distance future.

RicardoSmith

40's to late to make a decision. Unless he intends marrying a 20yr old.

ionapaul

I have agree with savoyard - newshound, you are definitely scaremongering. I'm a 29-year old man and don't know a single man who is as you describe, valiently fighting off children and commitment for decades until their resolve is tragically broken (no doubt by some underhanded female trickery!) and they unwillingly give up their glorious bachelorhood! Men and women arn't that far apart when it comes to commitment and children, at least not in my experience - almost everyone thinks they will 'settle down' when they meet the right person.

mikeruurds

Hey Singlette,

I'm going to cut to the chase. Don't let people tell you that wanting to have children is selfish. You CAN have a loving partner and children. Don't ever settle for second best when it comes to your heart. If you go ahead and appease your partner for the next two years by not mentioning your need to be a mom, it'll just be that much more painful when you have to face this big decision then.

If you know that you want kids and if you're certain that he doesn't then you only have one course of action. Make a clean break, look for comfort in female friends and family and get over him. Just be careful of falling into a rebound relationship and weather the storm.

Once you've recovered you can start seeing other people again. You WILL meet the right person! Just don't rush things.

Seraphina

i seriously dont get what the big ****ing deal is with kids.

you're making yourself so unhappy because you have some illogical biological urges.
why cant there be happiness with this man without children?

im sorry if offend anyone, but i dont see why you should ruin a perfectly good relationship because your ego insists on you having a little you to somehow validate your existence.

mikeruurds

Hi Seraphina

I'm sorry, but I don't believe that people have kids to validate their existence. I'm married and at the moment and my wife and I don't want to have kids of our own, but we might want to start a family later.

Possibly at the moment that's how you percieve the motivation for parenthood... but I don't believe that the OP feels that her need to become a mother one day is spurred on by some kind of inferiority complex.

Just my opinion.

Seraphina

i know what you mean, and im yeah maybe i'll feel different at some stage, but i just cant understand how she cant be happy with this man whom she claims to love, without kids?

why are they SO important to some people? is life not good enough unless you have them?

embee

Seraphina wrote:

im sorry if offend anyone, but i dont see why you should ruin a perfectly good relationship because your ego insists on you having a little you to somehow validate your existence.

Why assume that a child would ruin a relationship? I know I certainly didn't get pregnant to validate my existence.

singlette - I'm a bit younger than you, but I understand completely why you felt the relationship couldn't go on any longer. I've been with my partner for 3 years, but, since the early days, he made it clear that he did want children at some stage. Now, I am pregnant (it was unplanned) but he's happy about it. I don't know if I could have gone on in the relationship indefinitely if he didn't want the same things that I did. There's nothing at all wrong with wanting to be a parent, and I certainly wouldn't accredit that desire with "illogical biological urges". To my mind, a relationship is only successful in the long run if both people are reading from the same hymnsheet and have pretty similar ideas of what they want from their future together.

Good luck to you, and I hope you find someone who does want what you want.

Seraphina

embee wrote:

Why assume that a child would ruin a relationship? I know I certainly didn't get pregnant to validate my existence.

i dont mean the child would ruin the relationship, but she has broken up with a man she was happy with a man she says was the 'love of her life' because he couldn't say for definite that he would want kids. he didnt say he definitely WOULDN'T have kids, just that he wasnt ready right then and there.

i dont think you got pregnant to validate your existence embee, and i know most people dont, that wasnt the point. but there are alot of women who feel they cant be happy without having kids. why is this?
maybe its more of a humanities thing than for discussion here.

sorry for dragging the thread off topic. i do wish you the best singlette, i hope you manage to find happiness, with or without kids, whatever way it may work out.

RicardoSmith

singlette wrote:

...
To this he said that he is not able to make a commitment to me. He doesn't know if he wants kids yet. .... "No, I cannot commit to you" and a "I amn't 100% sure I want kids" ...

Theres TWO issues here.

1. He won't commit to singlette (after 3 yrs)
2. He's not sure he wants kids.

Thats the simple facts. At 36 and after 3yrs he not sure about singlette? Hes wasting singlette's time. End of story. Never mind the kids. They are not even over the first hurdle.

Validating your existence? :rolleyes: Very Hollywood.

singlette

RicardoSmith wrote:

Theres TWO issues here.

1. He won't commit to singlette (after 3 yrs)
2. He's not sure he wants kids.

Thats the simple facts. At 36 and after 3yrs he not sure about singlette? Hes wasting singlette's time. End of story. Never mind the kids. They are not even over the first hurdle.

Validating your existence? :rolleyes: Very Hollywood.

RicardoSmith, thankyou! That is it exactly.

Guys, I don't want to draw this out anymore than necessary. Thanks for all the comments, good and bad. Also, some sent PMS offering ears. Thanks.

RicardoSmith

I had a mate in this position when he was about 28. She gave him ultimatum and he didn't have the balls or the sense to see a good thing when it was in front of him. They split. 6 yrs laters. She's happily married with at least one kid. My mate realises now that he made a big mistake. While hes dated some really great girls since, the irony none of them will commit to him. Hes still as indecisive as ever. He always was to be honest. I'd say if they were still going out, they still wouldn't be married, and probably not even living together.