The Forbidden Garden

curtains

I'm wooried that this is a bit obscure, any suggestions, comments, ammendations welcome....



The Forbidden Garden

See now; the exiles return;
Like children to a mother’s cry,
To bring her a penny crab-apple;
To plunge a thorn in her side.
The skies they are pierced by flaming jets,
The moon; a crimson glow,
Serpents lie in long grass,
In fields black with gold.


Black smoke over Eden;
See how the trespassers turn,
That wretch she laughs so loudly,
That temptress, this is hers.
Cain stalks Abel in the long grass,
The lock is bolted, that door is closed,
For kingdoms are built with fire and ashes,
In fields black with gold.

jimmidy_cricket

curtains wrote:

Like children to a mother’s cry,

This line slowed me down cause I had to read it twice... do you mean cry as in tears or cry as in holler? if its cry as in tears then I don't get it, children freak out when parents cry or at least as a child I was always weirded out when I was around crying adults (i went to alot of funerals)

Whats "a penny crab-apple"? that slowed me down aswell

How is something "black with gold"? is it the serpents? Is it a reflection of the dark sky?

I don't like the metaphor; "The lock is bolted, that door is closed," well I do like it, I just don't like where it is: as I read it I'm in a field with Cain and Able and then i'm at a locked door.

But you've got some really lovely imagery there, I'm a visual person, if I can see it in my head then I like it

BEAT

I quite enjoyed this myself, the only thing I would change because it doesnt sit right is your use of "in the long grass" in 2 stanza's,
remove it from one...keep one and change the other.
Aside from that I liked it

Shad0r

I thought it was great and I had none of the problems reading it that jimmidy had. I agree with Beat (oh sorry, I mean TurquoiseDream ) in that I think the second "in the long grass" line is a bit redundant but then again I suppose it just depends no wether or not this piece was written as lyrics or as a poem.

Either way, loved the imagry and look forward to reading more of your stuff.

ctrl-alt-delete

i didnt try analyse it too much, didnt have any problems reading it though, just letting you know i like it, well done and keep up the good work - look forward to seeing more

curtains

Thanks everyone! It was written as a poem, the repetiton of the long grass was intentional, but I can see what issues you might have with it.

Did anyone get what it was about/take any meaning from it?
(jimmidey cricket, I'll answer your questions as soon as I get one to this)

Le Rack

I dunno, firstly I really like it, in answer to question I'm getting a lot of different things from it.

War seems to come up a bit.
Betrayal, between lovers and family members.
And Backstabbing in all directions.

So how far off am I???

curtains

To be honest I'm still not entierly sure what it's all about myself, I wrote it all pretty much straight out of my ehad and made sense of it later...

I started writing it as a war poem (good guess Le Rack), more psecifically about the war in Iraq e.g. the various references to Eden ie Messupitamia (haven't got a clue how to spell that) ie which is supposed to be the site of modern day Iraq. The premise was that the children of Adam and Eve were returning to their homeland like Cain to kill their brothers (I know that wasn't the intention, but it was the effect).

jimmidy_cricket wrote:

This line slowed me down cause I had to read it twice... do you mean cry as in tears or cry as in holler?

To me, what kind of cry it was is irrelevant, if you heard your mother crying you'd come running wouldn't you? The idea here was that our original mother Eve, who don't forget was the temptress of Adam, was luring us back to mankind's original home, this time with promise of "fields balck with gold", black gold being a name often given to oil (though that line has other meanings and I like that idea of it being a reflection of a dark sky).

jimmidy_cricket wrote:

Whats "a penny crab-apple"? that slowed me down aswell

The crab-apple is throwback to the original apple in Eden, whose eating resulted in humanity's casting out of the garden (and thus proved to be sour).

le Rack: your comment about backstabbing in families is wierdly true, in the narrative of the poem it's kind of about coming to terms with the fact that our overall mother was weak and gave in to temptation and therefore denied her children of being allowed in the garden, though it means other things ot me perosnally.

As I wrote this i realised that there was almost a second poem inside the first, I'm already taking up way to much space so basically it's about man with his great machines and instruments of power thinking that he can recapture the garden of Eden (whether you believe in God or whatnot doesn't really matter, it's just as much of a metaphor for man attempting to dominate nature and the insuing results), the second stanza's mroe about the repurcussions of this.

I've put way too much thought inot this but anyway....
Regarding the issues people had with a few lines in the second stanza, would the images fit better if it went:
Cain stalks Abel in the long grass,
The lock is bolted, that gate is closed:
? Thanks

Le Rack

Woot me cheers self....
Anywho... no I like it how it is, seems deeper or summit...

jimmidy_cricket

God that's so much better reading it again. I was never good at reading in to things thats why I'm a visual person, in that I picture things better than figuring stuff out. Have to say I prefer "the gate is locked" to "the door is bolted", keeps the reader in the field. And jus in case you thought I was a heartless c*nt of course I'd run to my mother if I heard her crying..now, but as a child seeing adults cry scared me and I wound't go near anyone that was crying, (I'd been to over a dozen funerals by the time I was 10) and adults tears were so strange for me to see so thats why I was asking if it was a holler or tears but you're right, the nature of the cry dosn't matter.

the raven

jimmidy_cricket wrote:

heartless c*nt

is he seriously getting away with that?

BEAT

the raven wrote:

is he seriously getting away with that?

please try to stay on topic Raven, have you no criticism about the poem itself?
from what I read he isnt insulting anyone he is making a comment about himself after his criticism.

curtains

jimmidy_cricket wrote:

And jus in case you thought I was a heartless c*nt of course I'd run to my mother if I heard her crying.

Oh I never meant anything like that, it was just a badly phrased question for effect, it wasn't meant to be sarcastic.


Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

humbleCounty

i like this a lot, thought it was quite interesting. Not over stated, you could read into it what you want. Actually liked the line about the mother's cry, can be quite haunting, and it could probably be interpreted both ways (call, actual cry) within the poem.

Was actually in the "Garden of Eden" in Baghdad a few years ago, tis not so special at all! Mind you it would be interesting to return, to the new gloriously liberated Iraq, and see what it is like now.

jimmidy_cricket

the raven wrote:

is he seriously getting away with that?

She- Is she seriously getting away with that? Yep looks like I am!! Thanks Tourquise Dream for pointing out that the profanity was directed at myself and not anyone else, I'll try tone it down next time.

So Curtains, any more?