problems with ex

LegacyUser

During the summer, my gf of 2.5 years dumped me out of the blue and of course my world caved in and I went to pieces. After a brief attempt at reconcilliation, it became clear after a month or so that things werent going to improve and we split up for good. Since then, Ive done all the right things like keeping busy and getting out with friends and trying not to dwell on things and it had been working pretty well. From feeling suicididal in the summer, Im now merely sad and lonely but starting to see the light. Unfortunatly, things took a bad turn recently.

We met in the workplace and had a great working relationship as well as a great personal one. A few months ago she left for another job elsewhere and by her own admission started thinking about her life and our relationship and this is what led to the split. I really did count my blessings that she wasnt working with me during the breakup as that would have been unbearable and impossible to deal with as we worked together pretty closely. The problem now is that the other job didnt work out and she quit. She now is at a loose end and hasnt decided what she wants to do but thinks it would be great if she could come back to her old job as there is an opening for a few weeks as she really loved her old job and the people there. I only found this out in a chance encounter in work when she came in 'for a chat' with the boss. I talked to her briefly but she didnt seem to have any problem with this situation. Obviously, I would find this unbearable. Even the sight of her depressed me more than i thought it would have. The thought of having to work with her for a month really would freak me out and i cant see how its going to help my recovery at all.

My boss asked me today what i thought of her coming back and i said while i was anything but overjoyed at the prospect, i didnt feel i had the right to have a say. He seemed pretty worried that there might be a problem in us working together and im pretty sure there will be, but i really dont know if i can really do anything about it.

Any input is welcome on this one.

Miss Fluff

I think your boss has been really fair and reasonable by inviting you to lay your cards on the table. You have a permanent role in the company and it sounds like some stability is just what you need right now. You've just survived the upheaval of a broken relationship and I think trying to find a new job on top of everything else might be somwhat unsettling. I'd go back to you boss, say you've given it some thought, and tell him/her that you're afraid it might affect your performance and would be happier if they didn't invite her back.

Beruthiel

worker wrote:

My boss asked me today what i thought of her coming back and i said while i was anything but overjoyed at the prospect, i didnt feel i had the right to have a say. He seemed pretty worried that there might be a problem in us working together and im pretty sure there will be, but i really dont know if i can really do anything about it..

honestly
if he came and asked you then he cares about what you think, be honest - as you've already said to him, you know you can't tell him what to do but you are going to find it really difficult to work comfortably under these circumstances. Go back and talk to him
Remember, she left, so he will be more concerned about you then her

Khannie

Miss Fluff wrote:

I'd go back to you boss, say you've given it some thought, and tell him/her that you're afraid it might affect your performance and would be happier if they didn't invite her back.

Agreed. If your boss didn't care about your feelings on this, s/he wouldn't have approached you at all. It's a clear sign to me that your welfare is more important than hiring this girl back.

alfa147

fuk that if she had any respect for herself she wouldnt come crawling back to her old job, especially when she knows ull find it hard her being there.

u got a sound boss there. u should have said u did have a problem with her coming back and who he thought was better at the job.

id leave if she came back in that case.

Red Alert

you really have a super boss. i'd say if he was sound enough to come in and be honest with you about it he's picked up the vibe anyway, but i really think you should drop in and let him know what you think as he deserves the same honesty he gave you

pickarooney

It's hardly worth the hassle, for you, her or the boss, if it's only for a few weeks, is it?
If you tell him you honestly would have a problem with it, he might pass her over for someone else, but she may seriously resent you for a long time. You probably have no contact with her, but if you could let her know that it would really affect you badly, maybe she would understand and keep looking for something else (it's only a month's work to her anyway, she'd hardly be sacrificing her career).

g'em

totally agree that you should talk to your boss again. this is now your workplace, and you're entitled to feel comfortable there. she left, her decision. she's only taking the easy way coming back for a bit while she's 'at a loose end'.

it won't do you any favours if she's there. sounds like you're doing a flippin good job getting yourself back in order, keep it that way.

my ex and i still work part time in the same place. pretty damn awkward at first, but after three odd years its not too bad now, but it got VERY messy for a while and the people we work with had to sit through the moanin, and cat fighting and stuff we threw at each other. Not fair on anyone involved.

dramaqueen

To be honest with you, your boss gave you the opportunity to speak up and you didn't take it, so it might be a little awkward for you to go back to him and say - actually I do have an issue.
It's not fair on him to be put in that position.
Also, isn't it time that you moved on????????????
Maybe having her around you all the time for a little while, will give you the incentive you need to close the door on her.
At the end of the day, staying away from her hasn't given you closure so maybe this will. If not, try something else because you are wasting your life pining for this woman who has clearly moved on.....

DamoKen

dramaqueen wrote:

To be honest with you, your boss gave you the opportunity to speak up and you didn't take it, so it might be a little awkward for you to go back to him and say - actually I do have an issue.
It's not fair on him to be put in that position.
Also, isn't it time that you moved on????????????
Maybe having her around you all the time for a little while, will give you the incentive you need to close the door on her.
At the end of the day, staying away from her hasn't given you closure so maybe this will. If not, try something else because you are wasting your life pining for this woman who has clearly moved on.....

totally disagree, yes his boss gave him the opportunity to speak, but as with anything that may seriously affect your circumstances, a thought out reflective answer isn't likely to come out straight away. For example, your boss asks you do you want a promotion which involves working in another country but gives you a lot more responsibility plus cash. Do you say yes straight away or do you think about it before giving a definitive answer? The OP already said he didn't give the most optimistic of answers, which would already indicate he's not to happy with the prospect. He's totally entitled to go back to his boss and expand on that. What does "fair to his boss" have to do with it? He was asked for his opinion, I would very much doubt if his boss would feel uncomfortable or in an awkward position if he came back with an answer.
Also as to him moving on, think that is what he's currently making a good effort of doing, closure on a painful breakup doesn't come over night or even in a few months, it can take a lot longer to fully heal and I don't see how seeing his ex in the office everyday can in any way help that process.
As already said, she made the decision to leave her job there, it's not like she left because she felt uncomfortable working with him, but if she comes back she could very well end up making the working situation intolerable for the OP. Ok, so that's his problem, get over it, very easy to say, not so easy to do when you suddenly have to work in close proximity with the person you are trying to get over!

dramaqueen

DamoKen wrote:

totally disagree, yes his boss gave him the opportunity to speak, but as with anything that may seriously affect your circumstances, a thought out reflective answer isn't likely to come out straight away. For example, your boss asks you do you want a promotion which involves working in another country but gives you a lot more responsibility plus cash. Do you say yes straight away or do you think about it before giving a definitive answer? The OP already said he didn't give the most optimistic of answers, which would already indicate he's not to happy with the prospect. He's totally entitled to go back to his boss and expand on that. What does "fair to his boss" have to do with it? He was asked for his opinion, I would very much doubt if his boss would feel uncomfortable or in an awkward position if he came back with an answer.
Also as to him moving on, think that is what he's currently making a good effort of doing, closure on a painful breakup doesn't come over night or even in a few months, it can take a lot longer to fully heal and I don't see how seeing his ex in the office everyday can in any way help that process.
As already said, she made the decision to leave her job there, it's not like she left because she felt uncomfortable working with him, but if she comes back she could very well end up making the working situation intolerable for the OP. Ok, so that's his problem, get over it, very easy to say, not so easy to do when you suddenly have to work in close proximity with the person you are trying to get over!

Nobody said getting over her was easy. Just to try!
With regards to the boss issue, there is a big difference between what is going on here and a job offer to move abroad. Obviously you would be expected to think about that.
I am speaking from experience where I approached a member of staff and asked them how they would feel about me hiring an ex of theirs. She didn't have an issue so I hired him. Then she came to me and said that she actually did have an issue. There was nothing I could do and was left stuck trying to keep them seperated. It wasn't my problem but I got caught in the middle. In the end, I have to admit, I became irritated with her as I felt if she had been upfront with me, I wouldn't have been in this position. Any issues will reflect on the poster.
It's something for him to think about before he goes to his boss. If the job offer is already in place, he will only be causing unnecessary upheaval.
If he really feels like he can't work with her, maybe he could just tell her that, instead of going through a third party. Then he won't be left feeling like because of him she didn't get a job that she deserved! That wouldn't be very fair.

DamoKen

dramaqueen wrote:

Nobody said getting over her was easy.

I thought that was precisely what you were saying?

dramaqueen wrote:

Also, isn't it time that you moved on????????????

Anyway getting back on subject, the example used was just that, not to be taken literally, just purely to illustrate that not all questions can be given a clearcut quick yes/no answer. I can’t see why you would think he didn’t need to think about it?, it’s an awkward one to answer, if he says no I don’t have a problem his work life might just have got a lot harder, but if he say yes I do have a problem then she doesn’t get her old job back and maybe suffers financially etc because of it. So what do you do?, probably precisely what the OP did which is not exactly warm to the idea, an indication itself of his feelings (and very Irish, we’re not the most straightforward when put on the spot, no offence to the OP if indeed he is Irish). It’s not like it was a week ago he was asked, it was yesterday, so I don’t think it would be too late to raise an objection. And the very fact his boss asked if there would be a problem shows that he/she is quite aware of the possibility, precisely the same reason you asked that girl. Ok, slight difference in responses, if she gave a thumbs up and then came back a week or so later with exactly the opposite, I can see how that would annoy, but it shouldn’t surprise, affairs of the heart are after all never clear cut, so mixed feelings and confusion are to expected for at least a while .

as to “get a job that she deserved?”, well I think she showed how much she cares about it by leaving it and going somewhere else, I think the only person being unfair here is the person who left and now wants despite the awkwardness of the situation to come back, unfair to her ex who stayed on and is valued in his company, and unfair to her old boss who has been put in a very uncomfortable position.

dramaqueen

I agree that the ex girlfriend is being incredibly selfish. She should consider his feelings and should be well aware that her being there would cause him distress. If nothing else she should be aware that other people in the firm would be talking about them and that's not fair to him.
The fact is, that she clearly doesn't care about how it will affect him.
But if she is offered the job, she deserves it. If it was me I would feel that it's not my place to take that away from her no matter how much it would distress me.
We don't know this girl and we don't know if she is approachable. If it was possible to appeal to her better nature, I think that would be a better way to do it. Keeping his personal life out of the office, so to speak.
And you're right, maybe the boss will be cool with him coming back and changing his mind. But there is the possibility that he won't be. The poster should at least consider this, and then do what he feels is appropriate.
As for moving on, my suggestion is purely that he should try.
I didn't just say

Also, isn't it time that you moved on????????????

I also said

At the end of the day, staying away from her hasn't given you closure so maybe this will. If not, try something else because you are wasting your life pining for this woman who has clearly moved on

LegacyUser

Slight update to this in the last couple of days.

I re-iterated the same answer i gave to my boss as i gave originally (I'd find it quite difficult, but Ill toe the party line if thats what the company wants) and thanked him for his sensitivity. I got the impression that hes going to ask her back. My problem with this is twofold. I HAVE been trying to get over her and move on and apart from the suprise visit to work, I havent seen her in almost 2 months. Out of sight, Out of mind really helps me in this process but this is about to be blown out of the water which freaks me out a little.

I guess the second problem is more to do with the fact that she would consider a move back so easily. Maybe its just me but i feel its pretty insensitive. She might have gotten over the relationship this quickly, but she knows exactly how i feel about her and how hard its been for me. When i called her about this the day she was in, she said 'its only for a few weeks' and when i said that i found it hard to believe shed come back considering what had gone on she said that this was clearly a longer conversation, she didnt have time to talk and would call me back. Not a sausage since. Normally this would be fine and I'd tell myself 'fine, be a bitch about it', but i cant help thinking I probably should have this out with her before she comes back. She just doesnt seem at all interested in talking about it or anything to me.

LegacyUser

dramaqueen wrote:

At the end of the day, staying away from her hasn't given you closure so maybe this will. If not, try something else because you are wasting your life pining for this woman who has clearly moved on.....

Actually, quite a long phone call a few weeks ago and staying away HAS given me closure, its just taking time to actually get over things. This situation is dredging everything back up.

WhiteWashMan

dramaqueen wrote:

I agree that the ex girlfriend is being incredibly selfish. She should consider his feelings and should be well aware that her being there would cause him distress.

they have split up, she is free to do what she wants.
just because the guy is upset she may be coming back is nothing to do with her.

its hardly selfish for her to think about herself and her career. im sure she is not going back there just so she can rub his face in it or anything.

why exactly should she consider her feelings?
perhaps the OP should consider her feelings and get a new job so that he doesnt cause her any distress?

g'em

WhiteWashMan wrote:

why exactly should she consider her feelings?
perhaps the OP should consider her feelings and get a new job so that he doesnt cause her any distress?

please tell me you're not seriously suggesting that he leaves his job so she can work there for a few weeks, that you're just trying to wind up dramaqueen???

WhiteWashMan

no, what im saying is that telling her she cant join a company is almost as stupid an idea as telling him that he should leave his job.

they are both adults, and as such should actually be able to behave like adults.

to suggest that taking an old job back is 'selfish' is plainly rediculous. if the OP cant move on and get on with his life, then he has to deal with those issues. this may be a catalyst that brings this about, but any suggestion that his ex is in some way wrong to do what she wants to do is plainly silly.

g'em

you make it sound so black and white when things like this just aren't.

is this the ONLY place that she can get work? is it really going to facilitate a healthy working environent if she's there and its creates tension? and he's human, not a robot. he's doing everything he can to get over her, but of course seeing her will drag up the past.

no-one is saying anyone should tell her not to come back, its just that its possibly not the most ethically/ morally correct thing to do for her to do, as she'll be doing so knowing that it will be casuing discomfort for one of the employees. Is it really worth it for a few weeks?

I think he's being entirely right to be cautious about her being there.

WhiteWashMan

g'em wrote:

you make it sound so black and white when things like this just aren't.

.

no, siad its unfair to say that she is being selfish about going back to work there. its not at all. im not sure what you read from my post, but it appears that wasnt it.

g'em wrote:

y
is this the ONLY place that she can get work? is it really going to facilitate a healthy working environent if she's there and its creates tension? and he's human, not a robot. he's doing everything he can to get over her, but of course seeing her will drag up the past.

im quite sure its not the ONLY place she can get a job, but i assume she is going back there because its her best choice, not becuase she wants to taunt some bloke she used to go out with.
you make it sound like some conspiracy....

if the bloke cant move on, then it is not her problem, its his.

g'em wrote:

no-one is saying anyone should tell her not to come back, its just that its possibly not the most ethically/ morally correct thing to do for her to do, as she'll be doing so knowing that it will be casuing discomfort for one of the employees. Is it really worth it for a few weeks?

there is nothin ethical or moral about it. its her decision. i went out with girls in school, i borke it off with them, i still went in the next day...

really, you are completely over-reacting.

g'em wrote:

I think he's being entirely right to be cautious about her being there.

what is it he chould be cautious of exactly? seeing her again, or something else. you make it sound so dark and forboding. he may see her and realise that he has moved on actually. who knows.

honestly, youd swear people should be wrapped up in swaddling for the rest of their lives and nurtured as they are unable to cope with anything.

g'em

i think we're just seeing the whole situation from two different stand-points: to me, you seem to be very clinical (possibly a bit male??) about it, and you think i'm being overly emotional (stereotypically female!!).

some people, like you, can switch off their feelings, and not let things like exes bother them. But other people, like me, can't entirely bury those feelings. I'm over my exes, but I'd find it very hard to work alongside one of them day in day out. I was with them because I liked them, loved in some cases, and I wouldn't really like to be reminded of the past all the time.

Thats why i can understand him being a bit concerned. I don't want to be 'swaddled' either. but i know that i would want to avoid a situation that would be potentially upsetting.

so if you think i'm overly emotional, fine. you're emotionally retarded. its not the case for either of us but we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one and let the OP make up his own mind.

WhiteWashMan

the only point i made was someone saying the ex was selfish about going back to work at the same company again.
i dont think so.

you think it morally and ethically incorrect for her to return to the same work, i dont.

i havent disagreed on anything else. im aware that it may be difficult, but the thing is, it may happen, and the OP will just have to deal with it.

as for the poster making up his own mind, well, im not here to tell him what to do. if i was, there would be a lot less problems in this forum

Khannie

WhiteWashMan wrote:

the only point i made was someone saying the ex was selfish about going back to work at the same company again.
i dont think so.

I think it's selfish as fup myself. Hell.....Of course it's selfish. She's considering working there, despite it upsetting her ex and her knowing this.....

she knows exactly how i feel about her and how hard its been for me

Doing things that you know will upset your ex for your own personal gain is definitely being self focused. Seems pretty cut and dry to me.

We do things for our own gain that upset others all the time, e.g. you get offered a job, it means someone else that you've never met is probably upset that they didn't get the job, etc. But doing it to someone that you used to go out with, who you know is already hurting, and has been for some time.....selfish. Plenty of jobs out there. Look elsewhere bish.

LegacyUser

Final update. Shes not coming back. She let me know on friday.

Im massively relieved and although im pretty sure i was right to let her know that i wasnt comfortable with the idea of her coming back, i cant help feel guilty.