My Lovelife Mess!!!

Chrissie

Hey guys!
Seems to be some really good advice floating around this forum, so here's my plight. (2 separate but intertwined issues:)
Issue 1: known a guy 15years, good friends but don't see each other that much. Dated briefly 5 1/2 yrs ago but I ended it before it got serious as I was afraid of ruining frendship. I've really regretted it this past 2 yrs, & have been thinking more & more about him. I'm crazy about him & I don't want any what-if's when I die! Didn't think he'd be interested after all that, but got drunk last Christmas & told him. He's now interested in me too & has sent lots of texts lately (while tipsy) saying hope he's not too late to have come to his senses etc.......

Issue 2: I've been going with a guy for 5 yrs. Love him to bits, never had a big fight & enjoy each others company. But there's something not there. He's 9 yrs older than me:- mid 30's, until V recently he didn't want children until he realised he couldn't have me without eventually having children, so he then said that children wouldn't be the worst that could happen. (He put the conversation off for 5 yrs!!!) He never mentions marriage, still rents/lives at home, doesn't want the responsibility of owning property etc. I'm afraid he never wants to grow up.
He's crap at socialising with my friends (making conversation) so we go out separately, or I go out with a few of his friends (who're all married)

He's my problem: I've never been a depressed person in all my life, I've always been bubbly & outgoing. The above 2 things have left me feeling really down, want to sleep all the time, have no energy for anything, easily aggrevated, have gone off sex, myself & bf can't have any real conversations, but he's a really nice guy, I love him SO SO much & don't want to hurt his feelings.

I'm mad about the 1st guy, but don't want him mixed up in my mess, I love the 2nd guy but not sure if we really have a future. I'm afraid if I break up with bf, & don't go with 1st guy that I'll go straight back to bf & won't have given myself any time to straighten my head out. I'm also afraid that it's just me who's afraid of commitment & am finding faults that aren't there with my bf & will possibly ruin something great. (Last serious relationship lasted 4 yrs, I then felt bored & left it, it was the correct decision though, so should I follow my instinct???)

What do I do? Sorry it's so long!!!!!

pdunno

It's tricky asking strangers for advice because they don't really know the situation or the poeple involved, so if I were you I'd take any advice given here with a pinch of salt.

Having said that though, here's my 2 cents. I think you need a bit of space from both these guys to sort yourself out a little. If possible why don't you give yourself a bit of a break from your current boyfriend, say a month or two or six even. I weould think that this would mean being completely apart and not seeing each at all. That may give you time to realise exactly what you want, without the added pressure of seeing your bf on a regualr basis and having to supply answers quick smart. At the end of the day only you can decide.

annR

I don't about Guy 1 but about Guy 2

>>He never mentions marriage, still rents/lives at home, doesn't want the responsibility of owning property etc.<<

Are those the things you want? If so, he doesn't sound like a good long term bet to me.

Chrissie

Yea, I agree with the both of you, but in relation to the 2nd comment: most of that could be fixed with a kick up the back side, but I don't really wanna have to do that either.

Problem also is:- I know nothing really relationship wise about the 1st guy, that could be a complete disaster & I could by that stage ruined a perfectly good relationship with my bf. I guess there's only 1 way to find out.

I also think that I need a complete break from my bf, but how do you break up with someone you luv & care about so much, knowing that what you're about to say is going to really really hurt them. I dread it so much! & what do I say:
breaking up for a few months to see how I manage without you, but stay about in cae I don't like it so I can get back with you........
(I know this is not what I say, but I'm afraid that that's what I might mean.

I also know I need to stay away from the 1st guy, I want nothing serious with him, not until I've my head clear anyway, but at the same time, I wouldn't mind the chance to shift him (nothing more than that at the minute as that'd really mess with my head) The reason I think this is that I'm also afraid that I've just built up an infatuation with this guy, & that there may actually be nothing there, or maybe a 'want what you can't have' situation. Being with him would help clear that up too, I think.

But that problem is way down the line, how do I let my bf down V V V V V V V gently?

Fraggle

Five and a half years is a really long time to be enclosed in this relationship with someone who you don't see a future with.To be honest it sounds like you don't have much in common with him.You say he doesn't really socialise with your friends, still lives at home yaddah yaddah. Don't you feel trapped at all?He is not fulfilling your needs.He is Mr.Safety/Predictability/Dependability.

The issue here is that you see this other guy as an escape route. Am I right? He seems like the dream ticket to a whole new life. And maybe he is. Maybe he is the one for you.

I don't think you will ever find out if he is or not by continuing in this drudgery with Guy Number One.Think about down the line in another five years.You're fed up of his unwillingness to change, your stuck minding the kids he never really wanted, he is reluctant to make other changes that you would like him to make.Is he your soulmate????Have you ever contemplated what it would be like to have a soulmate?Ask yourself a question and answer it honestly "Why am I settling for second best?"

I think if you are really crazy about Guy Number Two, life is too short to let him slip by.

HOWEVER. You need to be on your own for a period of time. Leaping from one relationship to the next can be catastrophically confusing. Give yourself a break to mull it over.

And by all means,if you do decide to end it with Guy Number One, be real easy on him.Don't jump on the other guy too fast.Little does he know that you have fantasies about being with someone else.And after five years, learning something like that could be soul-destroying.Be careful.

WhiteWashMan

do what will make you happy.

if you feel you are wasting your life with your current boyfriend, then move on with your life, dont waste it sitting around and then spending your years with what ifs, and if onlys.
on the flip side, if you are not really sure about your life with this man, then you need to make a decision. you are now wasting his time, as well as your own, and thats unforgivable. now you are just stringing him along.

you need to talk to your man, discuss the future and either a)get over this childish infatuation with another man and continue happily in your relationship, or b) break it off with the guy you are with now and see if this relationship will work withthe second guy.

either way, the ball is in your court, and you have to make a move before you ruin your life, your boyfriends life, and waste the time of the fella hanging round for you.

oh, and you cant do it vvvvvvv gently. if you need to break up you need to do it quick, clean and surgically. tht way, every one gets better faster. people who wont let go and the pits tbh.

Chrissie

Thanks fraggle,
That was V thoughtful.
Problem is, I look at my life in 5 / 10 yrs time & I can't see myself without my bf...
But yes, I do think there's an element of Mr. Safety, Mr Dependability there. Every day for the last 5 yrs has had him in it, I don't know what I'd do with my spare time if he wasn't in it.....

But I do think my gut feelings are pulling me towards guy number 2. Like I said, for a few yrs, the thought of being with him pops into my head, my dreams etc etc... I was V happy with my bf back then, so I'd put guy no 2 out of my head but sure enough, about a month later he'd pop right back into my head again & it's continued like that ever since until now whan the idea's really strong. There is such chemistry between us when we're out, though again, up until lately we both pretended there wasn't, but I really think at some time I need to give it a go.
Married for 20yrs to guy no1, see guy no2 walking down the street, I don't want to think 'what would things have been like'

Do any of ye believe in fortune tellers? I've never been to one, but my sis went a few yrs ago & the fortune teller told her V little bout herself but told her she was concerned for me. I was V unhappy, was in the wrong relationship & needed to get out of it. She said I didn't know it yet, but not to worry, I'd figure it out in time....

At the time, I was V happy, didn't know what she was talking about, didn't want to be without my bf, except the children thing was niggling at me.

Do you think that was V strange / weird.....?

Chrissie

Whitewashman, I also agree with what you're saying.
That's why I started this thread.
I do feel that I'm not giving anything to the relationship with feeling like this & it's not fair on my bf.I wanted to get other peoples views on my situ to help me make up my mind once & for all.
The last thing I want is to string him along.
The other guy's interested, but I've never once told him to wait for me etc, but yes, I've a feeling he is, so I don't want to waste his time either.

Thanks!

Beruthiel

Chrissie wrote:

Do any of ye believe in fortune tellers?

no
they're a load of hogwash who prey on people

I am of the opinion that if you are thinking about someone else other than your b/f, then you cannot be truly happy with him, if you were, no one else would get a look in... admit that to yourself.
You have some deep thinking to do, only you can decide what to do on this one and you should not be expecting us to make that decision for you.

Chrissie

"you should not be expecting us to make that decision for you."

Yea, agreed, & I'm not, it's just when you've been thinking the things I've been thinking for as long as I've been thinking them, it's difficult to know whether what you're thinking is normal or whether you need to cop on, or get over yourself, etc...

I know at the end of the day, it's my decision to make, I know I actually already know the answer & just as I wanted, the comments here have confirmed that it's the right thing to do.
No I just have to get the courage to do it, & stop wasting everyone's time.

Thanks for all your input, I'll keep ye posted!

Sleepy

You've gone off sex with your boyfriend, don't have any real conversations with him, he doesn't get on with your friends...

I don't doubt that you care for him and that you loved him once but I don't think you can claim to still be in love with him.

And like Beruthiel advised, stay away from fortune tellers they're parasites who leech off the weakness of the logically challenged.

Chrissie

I never went to a fortune teller, plus I don't have any intentions of going to one, but I just thought it V weird for the fortune teller to be telling my sister about me, when my sister never mentioned me, ah well...

It's not that my bf doesn't get on with my friends, it's just he's not that confident & can't make conversation. I do really really love him, but maybe it's more a question of, do I fancy him anymore.

He's a really really good friend, but perhaps that's all he's turning out to be.
Problem is, I know I'm his world!
That might sound V big-headed from me, but I am, he suffers from low self-esteem & depression & I'm so afraid that I'll ruin his life that up til now I've been happy to put my life on hold to keep him happy, & that's what's led me to this.
I'm fighting with myself: One side says I can't hurt him & ruin him, & the other's saying I can't ruin myself by staying with him.
right now the easier option is to ruin myself cos I can handle that, but I only get one life, & I guess I'd better start thinking bout myself soon.
If we were killing each other it'd be so much easier...........................................!

Beruthiel

Chrissie wrote:

I'm so afraid that I'll ruin his life that up til now I've been happy to put my life on hold to keep him happy, & that's what's led me to this..

nobody wants to have someone stay with them just out of pity, not even your b/f, and a relationship based on this is doomed to failure in the long run

pdunno

I think the more you've posted, the more obvious it's become what you need to do.

But like has been said before you are the only one who can make that decision, because reading a few posts on the internet does not qualify anone of us to make a life changing decision for you.

Anyway life's too short and at the end of the day you have to do whatever is best for you, you can't stay with your bf out of pity - what kind of a life would that give you both? Misery I'd say!

Fraggle

So your boyfriend has low self-esteem?Has little confidence?Not very good at making conversation?
Sounds to me like the break-up might actually do him some good!Dependency on another person is dire for one's personal esteem.I've been there.When you rely on another person for happiness you forget how to create your own.I bet if you guys broke up, he'd move out of home like a shot and start attempting this independent buzz all the young folk are talking about these days!I reckon a bit of the 'ole single life would do him no harm!And the same could be said for you!

Chrissie

Ta Fraggle,

You might be right, I hope you're right! I'd hate for him to go the other way cos he's so good to me, it's like kicking him in the teeth.

dramaqueen

Regardless of what is going on with guy no 2, you are not happy with guy no 1.
It is not fair for either of you to be in a relationship that is lacking in passion and excitement. Expect more for yourself.
You probably would never have gone for the excitement of guy no 2 if you hadn't been bored.
Don't settle and especially not because you feel sorry for your boyfriend. That's worse than anything. He deserves more too!
Guy no 2 is the symptom of the problem with guy no 1.
That's not to say there couldn't be something good between you, but there are no guarantees. Don't play your life safe.
My advice is to break up with guy no 1. Give yourself some time and re-evaluate.
If you two get back together, great if not, move one. But don't look back and say that you threw away a good relationship with guy no 1 because you fancied guy no 2. That wouldn't be true cos you don't have a good relationship with guy no 1 anyway.

Kell

Chrissie wrote:

He's my problem: I've never been a depressed person in all my life, I've always been bubbly & outgoing. The above 2 things have left me feeling really down, want to sleep all the time, have no energy for anything, easily aggrevated, have gone off sex, myself & bf can't have any real conversations, but he's a really nice guy, I love him SO SO much & don't want to hurt his feelings.

What do I do?

What to do. Hmmn. Dump your current boyfriend and take about a year on your own for some headspace.

Also, how would you feel if a BF of yours stayed in a relationship to spare your feelings and for nothing else. Yeah, you'd rather be told wouldnt you? Staying in a relationship to spare someones feelings is not a valid reason to stay in one. Read what you said earlier about-

Him being crap at socialising with your friends
Living at home/renting
Not growing up
You go out separately

Babes - these are big issues. This isnt "you didnt do the washing up last night" these are whoppers. You obviously have totally disparate points of view on life so whats the point in wasting anymore of eachothers time?

Oh - and dont waste the 15yr friends time either until you have had some serious time out. Being single isnt a curse, its a godsend. If you are a serial monogamist, which you sound like TBH, you obviously need to find a crutch in your life that you are unable to provide yourself. Take the time to be your own crutch. Much more satisfying in the end.

K-

Chrissie

Hi all,
I took my gut feelings & your advice, & some courage & broke up with my bf last night. He took it pretty well until I was walking out the door, then it wasn't so good. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was the right thing to do. No I have the space I need to clear my head & decide what I want.

Thanks for your help.

dudara

Take your time now and don't rush into anything. But having read your posts I think that you've done the right thing.

Good luck

Chrissie

Hi all,
Now don't get annoyed but I'm starting to think that I am a serial monogamist!!!!
Went out on Sat night with my friend to forget my troubles a bit & guy #2 happened to be out, mixed with quite a bit of vodka we got chatting & I ended up shifting him.
I did tell him my life was a mess & that I wasn't getting into anything serious for quite some time & that I wasn't going to drag him threw this **** with me. He decided that was ok by him so we just innocently shifted for a while & that was that.
TBH, he may have just been getting me out of his system, if so, I'm happy with that, at least I know.
As for me, I got to release yrs of tension wanting to do that & not being able to. Feeling butterflies for the 1st time in a V long time was also V nice.
I know some of you might think that was a V bad move & maybe it was but at least I've got it out of my system & my head's a bit clearer for thinking about more important things.
& if that was to occur every now & again on a V casual basis & once we both know the score, it can't be all that bad..........Can it????

dramaqueen

Trust me, you need to be on your own. Instead of spending all your time thinking about guy no 1 and guy no 2, you should be thinking about yourself.
Spend time with your friends, re-discover what it's like to be single.
Enjoy being alone and then when you are ready allow someone else into your life again.

if that was to occur every now & again on a V casual basis & once we both know the score, it can't be all that bad..........Can it????

If you didn't know this guy, it would be harmless but you have already said that he has feelings for you. It's not very fair to mess around with him.

pdunno

Yeah I also don't think it's a great idea to be messing aound with that guy, it's really not fair on him as he has feelings for you and could be hoping for a bit more.

Another point is that how do you think your ex would feel if he found out that you were with someone else almost immediately after ending the realtionship - not good I suspect.

THe other thing here is you obviously need time and space to get your self sorted. So if I were you, whatever about kissing other guys, I wouldn't be kissing that guy because it's just gonna cloud the issue and not really gonna make a decision/choice easier to come to.

Chrissie

Yea guys, point taken, defo bout the bf bit.
Just hard to put on the brakes when the hormones or whatever you call them are screaming go for it!!!! The chemistry between us is just phenominal, even when we had never even thought about anything like that we were good friends at college & everyone around us thought there was something between us, just from watching us together, even his best friend thought it!

But back to now: If I was 100% absolutely confident that the guy had no heart strings attached then perhaps it'd be ok, but he is a good friend, I've hurt him once before in the past, I certainly don't want to do it again. I'll have to try harder, plus I think we have to have a completely sober chat some day to see what's going on in his V closed mind! (He's one of these 'you know what I'm thinking' type of people but never actually says what he's thinking unless you beat it out of him)

It's great to have someone to talk to bout all of this
Thanks all of you for your help.