Science Fiction (not poetry)

TerrorFirmer

It's a basic start. I am wondering what people think so far. The story is written further but this is the only semi-solid section I have so far, the very beginning. The story basically follows a standard enough plot of invasion, with the two standard sides; the superior enemy, and the rag tag Earth Remenants fighting for survival. At the moment it is child friendly enough, I'm not a fan of profanity, but there will be elements of violence later on in the story. Will update this thread as more of the story is completed and added.

Any comments appreciated.




Corporal Derrick trudged sadly through the remains of the cave, reaching out and running his hand along the rough, cold walls, feeling hazy shards of history and emotions from many hundreds of years coursing through his body. It was not a feeling of darkness that enveloped the cave, but rather a feeling of despair and loss. He studied the deep footprints in the dusty ground, still unbroken after all these years. In his mind, he could hear the crunch of boots on the dry rocky floor as Soldiers filed through the narrow passages. Coming into a large open area, he could almost feel the presence of the brave Cadets who had tried to fight off overwhelming numbers of the enemy, in vain defence of the last hopes and records of the Order. It was here that they had fallen. A thin shaft of sunlight crept into the cave from a thin crack in the low ceiling, bathing Derricks’s face in a warm glow. Here, the Cadets must have known the end was near, as they heard the distant engine throb of Imperial transports approaching, momentarily blocking the only source of natural light in the cave as they screamed overhead. He entered another dark room off the main passage, gazing around in disappointment. This was the room where the Cadets had kept all the records they had managed to salvage from Battle Station Yarrick, the last evidence of a great society that had existed throughout the galaxy for thousands of years. He slung his rifle around his back and squatted down low, carefully sifting through documents encased in grime and dust. Everything of importance seemed to be missing. Scorch marks peppered the walls and documents lay discarded on the floor, the shelves that once held them splintered and broken. Derrick didn’t have to check what was left to know it was worthless – the enemy had either destroyed or taken everything of importance. He left the room, and began to walk back the main passage towards the cave entrance. Stepping out in the blazing sun, Derrick took a moment to let his eyes readjust. The landscape was bleak and barren, not totally unlike his home place of the Middle East back on Earth. A desert rat screamed in the distance and a light wind skipped across the plains, creating minor drifts of sand that lingered in the warm air. To his left, a sheer cliff face loomed high into the light sky. Behind him was the cave he had just left. The entrance was sunken into the ground, barely distinguishable from the rest of the landscape, a mere several feet behind him. Other then that, there was nothing. Even such isolation in un-chartered territory was not able to save the Cadets from the wrath of the Empire. He began the long trek back to his ship, a great feeling of disappointment welling up in him.

Within moments, his transport rose into the air and blasted off into the blue sky, leaving behind a scene that had once meant so much to everything he believed in. It would remain undisturbed for hundreds more years, possibly thousands. The sky darkened and thickened until they left the planet’s atmosphere. “Katra, set course for Destroyer Cadia.” Derrick commanded, a hint of sadness creeping into his voice as he realised that he was more than likely the last presence that would ever visit the scene where the last vestiges of an order that had been constant in the galaxy for thousands of years had perished. The ship shuddered briefly, and then disappeared into the dark depths of space, leaving the cold, barren planet behind.

jimmidy_cricket

Your opening line:

[QUOTE=
Corporal Derrick trudged sadly through the remains of the cave,.[/QUOTE]

Its sad, and slow and painting a dark picture which makes me not want to read any further. If you were to set the scene a bit different it would be easier for me to read.... Fear enveloped Derrik as he felt his way around his dark, cold surroundings. "Trudged sadly" is a mopey phrase and thats really what I don't like, I think thats whats putting me off.

I can't picture it as I'm reading it, I don't know why..either I haven't much of an imigination or there's not enough detail in it.

I've recently enrolled in a creative writing class (only been to one class so far) and one piece of advice was to include the five sences: taste, smell, touch, sight, sound. If you were to include the sences then you'd be including more detail and you'd be painting a more vivid picture. The part about the dessert rat screeching, what sort of screech? A far off distant cry? An ear shattering whail? and how was Derrick feeling, did his mouth feel as dry as the dessert around him? could he taste the salt collected in the corners of his thin/fat lips from his sweat? Maybe these details will make it read like a trash novel but its the advice iv'e just been given so i'm only passin on my two cents