Should I tell my brother (who is on a work trip abroad) that gran is very ill?

CathyMoran

My gran is having cancer surgery tomorrow, we do not know how extensive it will be but she is 99, so surgery is not easy, though she did have surgery a year ago and it was fine, the cancer has spread a lot more now though.

The thing is, my brother is on a work trip in the US, should I tell him that gran is having the op? I only found out that gran was ill the day before I went on holidays and told my brother to tell me if something happened to gran. So, should I tell him? Sorry if this seems like a stupid dilema, just a bit concerned about gran myself.

jcoote

hey cathy...hope your grans surgery goes well... she'll be ok:)...id tell my brother if it were me but i'd try and tone it down a bit... kinda say that she is in great form etc... he does have a right to know but i can see where the dilema is comin from..i say tell him

seamus

Yes. If she's OK (please God), then he won't mind, but if she comes out of it for the worse, he won't appreciate only finding out when he gets home.

aidan_walsh

Ask yourself how you would feel if you were kept in the dark. There's your answer.

Tar.Aldarion

if he would want to know then tell him.I'm pretty sure he would.

CathyMoran

Have been thinking about it...if my brother was not in the US I would not have any problem telling him as he could get back to Ireland easily, but getting back from the US is not as easy - gran could be dead by the time that he gets back. She has survived surgery before. I so want to tell him but there is nothing that he can do over there, all that he will do is worry. I know that when my mum had a scare in April I was told (was in Portugal) and I was on notice to go back but I was faced with the dilema that if I went back she might be dead by the time I arrived.

I have just sent him a hello text and will see if he gets back, if he does then I will say that gran is having a minor op.

Thanks for all of your help - sorry if I was a bit upset, had just heard from my dad about gran.

secret_squirrel

CathyMoran wrote:

all that he will do is worry.

Hey cathy sorry to hear about your Gran. But I must say Im not quite sure you are thinking straight. You sound very protective of your brother - is he younger than you?

If he is then trying to protect him is understandable, however please remember its his decision - not your's. If he's a grown adult he may not appreciate you trying to protect him - I know I wouldnt and I've been in a very similar situation. I understand you want to do this - but I personally would still prefer to know. Worrying is his perogative.

CathyMoran wrote:

if he does then I will say that gran is having a minor op.

This is a bad as not telling him at all imo. Its still a lie. Tell him the truth and do the decent thing and respect him as an adult who is able to make up his own mind.

Good luck whatever you decide.

CrimE

I would have to say yes too. If i was in his position I would want to know.

Hope all turns out well with the op.

Hugh Hefner

Well, yeah tell him. I mean, his grandmother is in trouble. I don't see how there's much of a choice there. He could always just hop on a plane back home to see her. And worst case scenario he'd be with the family after she goes (but hopefully not ).

Firetrap

Sorry about your gran. I hope she'll be ok
I think you should tell your brother. Once he knows what's happening, he can decide for himself what to do.

Squirrel

I'd say tell him, he deserves to know. My friend went through this, and would your Gran really want him to have to pay all the extra money to get home, my friends brother was going to pay something like 2700 to get home and back to America, but his grandad wouldn't have wanted that, so tell him. It could be better for him to stay in America too

CathyMoran

Because of the time difference I am going to tell him in another 2 hours - gran is doing great in hospital and is waiting for surgery as we speak. She is an absolute character, she was doing Irish dancing up until 3 years ago, she likes the odd tipple (but at 99 who can blame her). Thanks.

CathyMoran

CathyMoran wrote:

Have been thinking about it...if my brother was not in the US I would not have any problem telling him as he could get back to Ireland easily, but getting back from the US is not as easy - gran could be dead by the time that he gets back.

Firstly my deepest sympathies go out to you for your Gran. Qué Sera Sera-shes 99 and has had a very very long and fulfilling life no doubt.BUT For heavens sake Cathy-Tell your brother that she is having the operation.He's a grown lad and can cope. At 99 years of age the death of your Gran will be in the not too distant future anyway-thats a fact-she's already lived 20 years more than average.

She has survived surgery before.

When it's cancer at that age it travels very very slowly-but having operations at 99 and getting cancer treatment is not a good mix.Hospitals are by their very nature full of bugs as they are where sick people go.Your Grans immune system will be low to non existant and frankly I'm surprised that she is having an operation at that age.Most families I know would counsel strongly against it.

I so want to tell him but there is nothing that he can do over there, all that he will do is worry.

He should be celebrating her long life. 99 is an extremely good innings.At that age death is imminent to be honest so you shouldnt be worrying either.You should be thinking of the good times etc and also celebrating the extremely long life that she has had so far

I know that when my mum had a scare in April I was told (was in Portugal) and I was on notice to go back but I was faced with the dilema that if I went back she might be dead by the time I arrived.

Thats a completely different matter.It is normal given the trauma that you've had to date with your mums illness and the slow recovery.It makes sense to be worried about your mum as theres a realistic chance of decades of time still to be spent with her.
To be told whilst in Portugal that she has a setback when she is the one that reared you and brought you into the world and knowing that she should have decades more to live-well that is worthy of a shock and understandable.

I have just sent him a hello text and will see if he gets back, if he does then I will say that gran is having a minor op.

Is he just on holidays in the states or working there? If you think he's going to get the next plane home upon the news , then don't tell him.
That would be the only reason why I think you shouldnt tell him.
If he's not, then I'd suggest that ye as a family start talking about death and how it's likely that your Gran will die soon enough.
It's better to face that reality than sweep it under the carpet.
It's a fact of life at 99, that if most of us get to that age, we will be hanging onto out existence by a thread.
Thats the third bit of advice I'll give you,be realistic and accept the fact that your Gran fantastic as she may be is likely to die soon.
It will make it easier for you if you do that rather than be in denial about it.

Red Alert

i think you have to give him all the facts. the damage between you and he could be irreperable if you don't. at least if he knows everything, he can make an honest decision and be comfortable with it.

CathyMoran

Earthman - thanks for your advice. Yes, gran is absolutely amazing to be alive at 99 and she still has a great quality of life (she still lives by herself). They would not let her have the operation if she could not take it, she is fitter than most people half her age. I do not think that my brother would go home unless gran had died - we both knew that when he left either mum or gran could go, it is a matter of living the life that they want us to live. We have been through a lot as a family in the past year, so we are all very protective of one another but my brother is very strong on the outside. I suppose I feel a slight bit of guilt that while I am concerned, we all are, it is not the same as when things happened with mum. I will tell him, but not until he wakes up, he has his phone on for text messages at night in case mum is ill or other emergencies and he would kill me if I texted him for this in the middle of the night. Thanks to everyone. Gran is stil scaring the nurses, she is an absolute laugh.

CathyMoran

Thanks again to all those who gave their advice. I ended up telling my brother about the operation but I said that it was not serious and have updated him at all stages. She was called down for the operation at 3pm, was out by 5.20pm and is currently drinking tea and is in good form. Thanks.

Shrimp

Thats great new cathy. I'm happy for you now

CathyMoran

My brother tried to ring me but I had left my phone in my room, doh! He left a text saying that he was glad that I told him which is a relief. Am just so happy that today is over, granny was not going to go for the treatment and only changed her mind this week so I am really glad that she is over this.

galwaydude

hey cathy,

glad to hear that everything well well with your gran. Thanks again for your support a few months ago with my own mom having cancer too.

She finished her treatment last wednesday after 4 and a half months of chimo and radiotherepy, she has a scan in 3 weeks so hopefully that will be ok. Thanx again, boards.ie helped me alot to deal with her illness.

CathyMoran

An update on gran - she celebrated her 100th birthday on the 16th of last month which was wonderful but this week she went down hill very fast and passed away at 12.10 this afternoon, I was fortunate enough to be there, her breath got shallower and slower and eventually it stopped. I must admit that I was petrified at the thought of being there but in the end I was very glad that I was, it was very moving. Patricia RIP.

dingding

Cathy

Sorry to hear about your Gran,

May she Rest in Peace.

Dave!

RIP, she sounds like a good woman, and I'm sure she was happy to have you there at the time.

galwaydude

RIP. Im sure she had an amazing life as she lived till she was 100.

tj-music.com

Sorry to hear that.

N90user

RIP Very sorry to hear

dbnavan

My she rest in peace, I think I speak for all boardsies when I say our thoughts are with you and your family at this time cathy, urs is a name I recognise when browsing.

CathyMoran

Thanks to everyone for their kind responses - the removal is tomorrow and the funeral on Wednesday so the next few days are going to be a blur - had today off work but went in as I did not want to think about things. Still, I am very proud to have known my wonderful gran.