You Wished For What?

Capt'n Midnight

One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.
One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, "Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish."

So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.

The guy with the man and piano asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"

The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."

The first guy says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing.




A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The
bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears
in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a
beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar bitch you ate."



A string goes into a bar and they won't serve it -- the usual story. So this upsets the string and it goes to a shrink to be psychoanalyzed. Since there's a little S & M in its background, it ties itself up, then tries to go into the same bar that rejected it before. The bartender says, "Aren't you a string?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a Freud knot."



Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."


So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."


A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."


A shrimp walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, ... but we don't serve food here..."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"


So, this skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."


A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."


A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: "I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day."
"Really?!" says the bartender, "How?"
"Very simple. Just pour full glasses."

Capt'n Midnight

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.



A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"


Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"


A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"


A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"


A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."


A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"


A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"


A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."


A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.


A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Capt'n Midnight

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some yankee sissy.

The bartender looked up and said, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?“

The guy said, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asked, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responded, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asked, “Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy said nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

They are the worst jokes I've ever heard. Ever. Really.

qz

May God have mercy on us all...

The Bollox

LMAO!! keep 'em coming!

democrates

The first one I heard with a different ending - "You hardly think I wished for an eight inch pianist"

Capt'n Midnight

A spiral galaxy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The barman says “Get out, you’re barred”

TerrorFirmer

This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

Joke of the month. Couldn't stop laughing.

Tobias Greeshman

The Arkansas joke wasn't bad, but my god the rest of them... horrendously unfunny!!

Naos

I seem to have stumbled into the Humour subsection of boards.de

Now to find my way out..

TomTom

The Celine Dion one really cracked me up

BigCon

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

Best one ever...

Farls

taxi for 1

tallus

Marts wrote:

LMAO!! keep 'em coming!

I second that emotion :-0

kmart6

Some good ones...some not so good ones!!!

alantc

An infinte number of monkeys walk into a bar and say everything.





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moshpit77

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a large whiskey. The barman duly obliges and watches as the guy throws it back in one go and asks for another.

'Jesus, you're thirsty tonight!' says the barman

'Yeah', says the guy, 'tonight was my first ever blowjob'.

'Celebrating then!' says the barman

'No', says the guy, 'trying to wash the taste out of my mouth'

The Bollox

all I thought about when I read the first joke was The Simpsons:
Marge: Krusty, Krusty, tell a joke for the camera
Krusty: joke... joke... eh oh ok this guy walks into a bar and pull a 12" pianist and a piano out of his pocket... oh wait, he he, I can't tell that one!

classic!

Gandalf23

alantc wrote:

An infinte number of monkeys walk into a bar and say everything.





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