A Day in the Life of George W. Bush Jr.

patzer117

7.45am. The alarm clock in the presidential bedchamber rings and Bush rises from his king-size Georgian bed, dresses, and downs the coffee brought in for him by White House valet Don Bixby. He will not wake up for another hour.

8.15am. Bush takes three baths. His concern for personal hygiene is legendary.

8.35am. Bush meets a delegation from the Gambian Embassy who think today is his birthday. Anxious not to offend, he accepts their gift of three water buffaloes and promises to try the bone through his nose at the earliest oppurtunity. They play a medley from Gershwin on the tomtoms and leave.

8.45am. Bush meets the Macedonian President to discuss interests of mutual concern.

8.46am. Bush gets out of the bath.

8.50am. Bush has a working breakfast: shellfish soup, filet mignon, artichoke salad, Californian red wine and fruit compote, during which he scans the morning papers for reactions to his newest round of welfare cuts. The New York Times reports a further dip in his popularity rating. He is now six points behind Saddam Hussein and is gaining on Osama bin Laden. He cries for he is a sensitive man.

9.05am. Bush opens his bowels flanked by four bodyguards. In the White House nothing is left to chance.

9.10am. Bush crosses the Rose Garden Colonnade to the Oval Office and goes over the morning mail with his personal secretary Wilma Gatling. His letters are divided into two trays, marked 'Abuse' and 'Not known at this address'.

9.30am. Bush receives his National Security Advisor and Presidential Counsellor, Condoleezza Rice, known throughout the building as 'The Deacon'. Together they kneel and pray, for they are both sensitive people, for the Democrat Party's Senators to all be granted withered arms to prevent them from voting. Seven applications for the death sentence to be commuted are refused because, says Condi, it will foster the bigot vote. Bush pauses before signing an authorisation for death by stoning. 'What happened to the gas chamber and electric chair'? 'Energy conservation' is the reply. 'Good for the ecology vote'. Bush nods and puts pen to paper. It is typical of his meticulous style. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld jokes that this will send Bush's popularity down below Adolf Hitler. Bush is helped over to the couch and given a glass of water.

1.00pm. Time for the President's daily meeting with his security council. Since time is tight Bush settles for a working lunch of shrimp and barley soup, corned beef on rye, pretzels, Big Mac, Quarter Pounder with Cheese, and a salami and onion side salad with low-calorie pepsi. A controversial plan to unilaterally napalm El Salvador breezes through without comment.

3.30pm. Bush receives Finnish Foreign Secretary Bag Mugenhaeker in the White House Press Room, where they pose chatting on the sofa for photographers. Although Bush speaks no Finnish, he is not worried; Mugenhaeker speaks no English. After the Press have departed, they converse for twenty minutes using sign language.

4.15pm. Bush has a working tea consisting of pepperoni pizza, banana fritters, ice-cream soda and a light mixed vegetable omelette.

5.20pm. Bush watches The Brady Bunch.

7.20pm. Time to depart for tonight's grand state dinner at the French Embassy in Massachusetts Avenue. Bush arrives in his bullet-proof limousine and is escorted to the packed banqueting-hall where he has a croissant and a glass of seltzer. He tells tells the assembled French dignitaries he hopes relations between their two countries will flourish, and is then sick on the table.

10.45pm. Another hectic yet typical day over with, Bush is fast asleep the second his head hits the pillow. He will get up another seven times before his alarm clock rings again tomorrow.

Peteee

/me claps

Comeon people, this stuff is hilarious! Must be too highbrow for this place :rolleyes: