The Woman We All Know Is Dead

humbleCounty

hey, first post up here, criticism welcome, be as harsh as you want. Thanks.

The Woman We All Know Is Dead

Please, stop what you are doing and listen.
I have an announcement to make.
The woman we all know is dead.
She hung herself before dawn this morning,
Was found grey,
Held aloft with tightly wound curtain cord.
There is no way to say for sure,
But she looked to have been in pain.
Not an easy way to go I suppose.
She left a note.
I had to read it twice.
It read…

The woman you all know is dead.
She knows she will be sculpted.

That is all.
I read it and wept.
I’m sorry but I’m not that kind of man I guess.

Gross Halfwit

Ok. I didnt enjoy reading it as I had no idea what it was about. My fault I guess. It had no rhythm or rhyme. It didnt really flow for me to be honest. The language wasnt very emotive either. Perhaps if you could explain the idea behind it then it may open up for me. Sorry.

humbleCounty

hey, no need to be sorry for anything, thanks for replying though.

its about the death of an ideal, and how its original intention was perverted to suit the needs of someone else. So your direct interpretation could be different to mine, like say religion, freedom etc, but the perversion of an ideal is the core.

Its supposed to be read like an announcement, and thats why i didn't want it to flow or rhyme. like someone reading out a death message, and thats why its stacatto-like.

cheers

Gross Halfwit

With that in mind, the line saying "I read it and wept" doesnt quite fit in with an announcement you know? I never really got the impression that this was a bout the death of an Ideal. Sure the image of her being held aloft gave me an inkling and the fact that she knew she would be sculpted also hints at it but not clearly enough for me. And if she knows she will be sculpted then takes away from her symbolic nature. You know, a martyr doesnt say they are a martyr. They are called so after their death.

humbleCounty

em, dont know how to describe this. was hoping more might be read into it of itself, without any explicit descriptions.

its the ideal commiting suicide. She knows she may be perverted, and twisted to uphold other peoples ideas, but enough is enough. something pure has said **** it, i want out, and that would be the trajedy. so even though she has made this grand gesture, killing herself, to escape manipulation, with the most powerful statement she can make, still people will not see. that is the despair.

Shad0r

humbleCounty wrote:

hey, first post up here, criticism welcome, be as harsh as you want. Thanks.

Fair play to ye, that’s a great attitude.

Not an easy way to go I suppose.

Didn't think that that line in anyway benefited the piece as the images you've already portrayed tell us that she was in pain...This link just seems unnecessary.

I didn’t get that it was about a perverted ideal, as you've explained it, but I did enjoy the piece none the less. I thought the way it was written…well, worked. I felt from the beginning that I was reading an announcement of sorts and that must have cancelled out the usual annoyance I feel when I read poetry that has no flow or rhyme to it. And I’m going to disagree with Gross Halfwit; it did have rhythm…in my opinion it read quite naturally. The imagery was good and the drama deliciously understated.

But hey, that’s just my opinion and what the hell do I know

humbleCounty

thanks shad0r, i think you might be right about that line, will try to think of a replacement, not sure that i can just chop it out.

the raven

get rid of "i suppose", insert a dash "-" (for pause) and the line will profit.

he's a gross halfwit.

nice to see something different. good work.






"the boy you hit is dead"

flogen

The title struck me, I love it for some reason.
I have to say that I wouldn't have really gotten the meaning though, I think I get what you mean though. Is it basically that she knew her suicide would be used by others to back up their own ideals and beliefs, but she stopped caring about it, and just let them know that she knew what was to come?

ziggy sawdust

humble - this is a very good piece of writing. Ignore those who are trying to rationalise it and analayse it to the extent that it falls apart. Personally i don't need to know what it is exactly that you're talking about to realise that lines like

She hung herself before dawn this morning,
Was found grey,
Held aloft with tightly wound curtain cord.

are fascinatingly austere and hauntingly elegant. As a reader I will apply my own meaning - and if I see this simply as the suicide of a woman (which is how I see this poem) then that's the meaning for me. Don't feel as if you have to explain yourself - sometimes reading a writers explanation of his writing is like hearing a joke explained - you might get it but its not funny.

I think this is a very good piece of writing - but I think there's a tonal shift in the writing which would be better avoided. There are a couple of weak lines. I would suggest these simply be removed. This would leave the poem more mysterious and would ensure that the 'announcement' tone would characterise the style of writing from start to finish - this tone of voice is fresh and interesting and different. My suggestion: remove the following lines completely - then you establish linguistic symmetry and consistency.

delete:There is no way to say for sure,
But she looked to have been in pain.
Not an easy way to go I suppose.

and delete:I’m sorry but I’m not that kind of man I guess.

(second deletion is only optional as I do like that line!)

Humble, please do me a favour and read (and comment upon) two poems I have posted here (in posts called Phillo and Opinions wanted). I like the style of your writing and would like to see what you think of mine.

keep posting
Ziggy

humbleCounty

hey ziggy sawdust, thanks very much. yeah dont like explaining things too much either, (or having them explained to me) always nice to draw your own meanings.

just home and off out again now, but i will read your stuff in the morning. oh may well get rid of those 3 lines, was thinking about it, and someone else mentioned it earlier too, im afraid the last line stays though!

nicolo

i really liked it, not a big fan of poetry, tend to find it a bit pompous alot of the time, but i like what i like and i did like this i have to say

crazy_dude6662

i find that it didnt really flow, it was kind of forced sounding. and as some one else said the language wasnt emotive.