The ghosts at Bukavu

Fenian

The life I once knew is over,
It's gone for ever more.
I need no explanation.
It's finished and the door is closed.

As I look back I think of men
And boys who were so brave.
But I have changed and so have they,
We'll wait for another day.

This wait is long and gruelling.
Will we wait till the end of days?
And as I sit back and write this,
We all wait for another phase.

My heart is pained and heavy.
I'm trying my best to comprehend.
Though comprehension is beyond my reach.
I wish this wait would end.

This poem it may mean nothing,
For those who do not know.
But many a tear are shed this night.
For the ghosts at Bukavu.

the raven

But I have changed and so have they,
We'll wait for another day.

well done. that's made my day.

edit: just read the next verse, made me laugh out loud...
cheers dude, was having a crap day til now.

Fenian

Have you any idea what the poem is about?

ziggy sawdust

hmm - as if the plight of the Banyamulenge people (rwandan ancestory for those who don't know) wasn't bad enough - now you've dragged them into a worthless piece of rubbish poetry.

Political writing is hard at the best of times. Especially seeing as an expected prerequisite is the ability to write. This poem needs so much work, I'd scrap it and start again if I were you.

ZS

Sarky

Keep it civil.

ziggy sawdust

sorry - bit harsh - didn't mean to offend

ZS

the raven

Fenian wrote:

Have you any idea what the poem is about?

i don't give a hoot (would've said "don't give a sh!t" but that'd get me banned) what your poem is about, it's still a riot. and anyway how could the subject matter excuse such a travesty????

Sarky

Are you paying even remote attention to what I'm typing? Play. Nice.

Next person to post here without CIVIL criticism gets banned for a week.

azzeretti

ziggy sawdust wrote:

hmm - as if the plight of the Banyamulenge people (rwandan ancestory for those who don't know) wasn't bad enough - now you've dragged them into a worthless piece of rubbish poetry.

Political writing is hard at the best of times. Especially seeing as an expected prerequisite is the ability to write. This poem needs so much work, I'd scrap it and start again if I were you.

ZS

I have to say that I feel your reply is totally uncalled for. I would imagine that something as personal as a poem is difficult enough to share without having it ridiculed on a public board. Public forum or not, subtle support may be more encouraging than an outright assault of this posters work. What would you have remedied if your response prompted this poster to not only not post here again but also to give up his/her creative endeavours?
I am all for open criticism but it should be conducted in an appropriate manner.
Just me t'pence worth!

jimmidy_cricket

azzeretti wrote:

I have to say that I feel your reply is totally uncalled for. I would imagine that something as personal as a poem is difficult enough to share without having it ridiculed on a public board. Public forum or not, subtle support may be more encouraging than an outright assault of this posters work. What would you have remedied if your response prompted this poster to not only not post here again but also to give up his/her creative endeavours?
I am all for open criticism but it should be conducted in an appropriate manner.
Just me t'pence worth!

Here Here, nice job fenian, even if the subject matter is in my opinion a bit stale but still a good portrayl and easily read

Fenian

It's acutally not about the Banyamulenge people, It's about the mercenaries who trained/ fought with them. I was trying to portray the feelings of the mercenaries while waiting for their next contract.

Well at least it made Ravens day, and she was having a crap one at that.

Slagging me off on this forum is pretty standard now, so it's queit expected when I post anything.

the raven

Fenian wrote:

Well at least it made Ravens day, and she was having a crap one at that.

what makes you think i'm a girl?

Fenian

If I said why I'd probably be banned. Doesn't matter whether you are or not anyway, your just a name on a screen to me.

ziggy sawdust

Guys - can I apologise again if i caused offence - I agree now when I read my own earlier post that the comments I made were harsh and insensitive.

Fenian - I've read a number of your poems here on the site and the last thing I want to do is 'slag you off' - it takes balls to put anything up for public comment, and fair play to you for doing so. You obviously enjoy writing and you're not bad at it - its just that you seem to strangle yourself in a very formulaic way of writing by applying a metre and rhyme to your poetry which rarely suits the subject matter.

The only poem of this type that I know and like is the wonderful 'Ballad of reading Gaol'. And i guess the strength in this poem comes from the very personal nature of the experiences described in it. How about you losen up the structure of your writing more and feel your way through the words rather than relying on a set structure to carry you from the start of a verse to the end.

At the very least, you might find the freedom that this 'losening up' entails makes writing more enjoyable. The Ballad structure is very limiting - and tends to inject and old-fashioned character into your writing. I don't think it adds anything to your poems and I would be interested in seeing you put together some work in a Free Verse sort of a way.

ZS

Fenian

Thanks for the advice ziggy