getting married soon and ive a problem

LegacyUser

I am getting married shortly to the girl of my dreams. She is everything I have ever wanted and being quite insecure, I'm always anxious that she will leave for a 'better looking' person or the usual type worries. I handle this problem fine until yesterday when she didn't log out of her email account and curiosity got the better of me. I looked at her mail and there was some mail from a person she was close to a long time ago about 3 and a bit years ago. He had mailed her to say he couldn't stop thinking of her and that he hoped she was happy. She replied to him and told him she remembered the good times they had together and how was he with his wife. He wrote back to her asking her to promise him that if she is ever unhappy, to get in touch with him and he will leave everything for her and that his heart only beats for her. When I read this I became numb and i just cant get the thought out of my mind now that she might return to him. Some time ago, he met up with her just after we started seeing and declared his feelings for her but she rebuffed him. I really need some advice or an arm around my shoulder or something.
Thank you.

Beruthiel

potyty wrote:

Some time ago, he met up with her just after we started seeing and declared his feelings for her but she rebuffed him.

well there's your answer then
if she was interested why would she be marrying you??!
you have two choices
leave as is cos you shouldn't have been reading her mail in the first place
or
tell her you read it and see what she has to say
your choice

ravenhead

See this is the kind of thing that happens when we let our minds run away with us ... as you said yourself she's already knocked this guy back & in all fairness she can't be responcible for how another guy feels about her ...

You can be honest with her(& cause a row) & tell her that you read her emails or during a chat about the up & coming nuptials just throw in the question to her if she's sure that this is what she wants & that you do really love her & just want to make sure that she's happy.

I think personally I'd go with option 1 - get's it over & done with & it won't be playing on your mind, just be ready to be the bad guy for a little while, cause she's going to think that you don't trust her ....

Kingp35

Tricky situation your after getting yourself into. If you choose to say nothing then you may be left wondering whats going on and this is not a happy feeling to have. On the other hand if you choose to say something to your fiance then she will know that you have been reading her email, which is something you shouldn’t have been doing, and this may turn out quite ugly depending on how much your fiance feels about her personal privacy.

TBH I don’t think you have anything to worry about here. She has rebuffed this guy before and has agreed to marry which leads me to believe that nothing has changed since the last that she has rebuffed him. I would be a little curious as to why she bothered to reply to him and have they been in contact before this but judging from her reply she was just being friendly to him and I wouldn’t read too much into it at all. That’s just my opinion and I could be wrong.

It’s a tough choice you have to make now whether you should confront your fiance or not

440Hz

Hmmmm, right I am sure you have nothing to worry about. However I will share this story with you:

i went on holidays with my married friend a few months ago. Herself and her husband have been having problems for a long time, and when we were on holidays she kissed another man. Just a kiss and I only found out when we came home cos she felt so guilty etc. anyway, she got on really well with this guy as friends and they decided to stay in touch as friends and nothing more. When we were home they started emailing each other. She sent a mail saying how she loved the time they spent together that it was great being with someone who really 'got her' etc (being with, in the spending time with sense).

Anyway, her husband didn't trust her, and checked her private email, read this, and as you can imagine hit the roof. he didnt know the details, didnt wait to find out and starting accusing her of everything under the sun. they have two small kids, and while they have agreed to stay together for them, neither one of them trusts the other anymore.... result: one really messy unhappy situation for everyone, kids esp.

My point being. You SHOULD NOT have checked her mail. if you are marrying her and love her, you should also trust her. if you do not, then marriage is not right for you at this time. if you do trust her then good, forget about what you have read, give her the respect and privacy she deserves from you.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I understand how hard it must be for you. But as far as you know, she has not done anything wrong, so she does not deserve not to be trusted by her future life partner!

Good luck with this, I hope it all works out for you. It didn't for my friend, because of lack of trust. Hope that helps?

Kingp35

440Hz wrote:

i went on holidays with my married friend a few months ago. Herself and her husband have been having problems for a long time, and when we were on holidays she kissed another man. Just a kiss and I only found out when we came home cos she felt so guilty etc. anyway, she got on really well with this guy as friends and they decided to stay in touch as friends and nothing more. When we were home they started emailing each other. She sent a mail saying how she loved the time they spent together that it was great being with someone who really 'got her' etc (being with, in the spending time with sense).

Anyway, her husband didn't trust her, and checked her private email, read this, and as you can imagine hit the roof. he didnt know the details, didnt wait to find out and starting accusing her of everything under the sun. they have two small kids, and while they have agreed to stay together for them, neither one of them trusts the other anymore.... result: one really messy unhappy situation for everyone, kids esp.

In all fairness this guy wasnt totally wrong about not trusting her was he? Not so sure I would be happy about my wife going on holidays, kissing a guy that really "got her" and continuing to email him and staying in touch!!

Anyway sorry to the OP for going away from your situation

440Hz

I agree the situation are kinda different in one way, cos my friend *actually* did something... but there were too many similarities not to mention it. Anyway, I totally agree with you Kingp re he was right not to trust my friend, but look where it got him. There was no story with this other guy, it was innocent enough, she would never see him again, and she came back to her husband and kids - now its a mess, cos privacy was comprimised, and that shouldn't happen. What I think potyty should do is think very carefully about whether he trusts his fiancee completely or not... and if not then... a rethink is in order.... cos you have nothing without trust

Khannie

Man oh man. That's rough. *hugs*

I would tell her that you read the mail (apologising at the same time). Do not enter into marriage hiding something from your wife to be.

Now, for the flip side of that story: That guy's a dick. I mean a real, proper, dick. I'm surprised nobody has mentioned this, but his wife deserves to know that he'd leave her at the drop of a hat for someone else. Also, he's been agressively trying to woo your fiancé. I'm normally a very peaceful man, but if someone did that to me, well.....It's just not acceptable behaviour. He should stay the f*ck away from your woman. He had his chance. You won. Fair and square. (I know that sounds a bit caveman like, but I have an intense dislike for that guys kind of behaviour).

Also, your fiancé has to be thinking that he's a dick. Anyone that would enter into marriage and (presumably) less than 3 years later declare his undying love for someone other than his wife is never going to appear attractive to any woman.

440Hz

Khannie wrote:

Now, for the flip side of that story: That guy's a dick. I mean a real, proper, dick. I'm surprised nobody has mentioned this, but his wife deserves to know that he'd leave her at the drop of a hat for someone else. Also, he's been agressively trying to woo your fiancé. I'm normally a very peaceful man, but if someone did that to me, well.....It's just not acceptable behaviour. He should stay the f*ck away from your woman. He had his chance. You won. Fair and square. (I know that sounds a bit caveman like, but I have an intense dislike for that guys kind of behaviour).

Also, your fiancé has to be thinking that he's a dick. Anyone that would enter into marriage and (presumably) less than 3 years later declare his undying love for someone other than his wife is never going to appear attractive to any woman.

Yeah I got carried away and forgot to mention that bit.. you are spot on there Khannie, his poor wife. But I wouldnt be tempted to get messed up in that part of it... If you do come clean, which could be a good idea to start married life with no secrets, then I would mention this part of it to your fiancee, show your concern is not just about what she might/might not do.
tbh tho I really dont think you need to worry, after all like the others have said, she is with you, and has not fallen for his s**t yet, so why would she now, there is obv a reason she isn't with him.. and thats most likely you... so trust her and dont worry.

annR

I think that if your fiance had feelings for this guy still, you would have picked it up from the email. She would have replied to him in the same vein and encouraged him. What did she do? She asked him about his wife, presumably to remind him that he's married and to give him the hint.

Speaks volumes to me . . . she's not interested in him . . .get over it and be glad she didn't respond to his advances. You should be relieved and proud!!!!

If you carry on this way you will ruin things for no reason all by yourself. Probably when she finds out how untrusting you are. She doesn't deserve this. Please do something to deal with your insecurity. I suspect that this is something she can't help you with, you have to do it yourself, you owe it to her not to put her in an untrusting marraige.

Kingp35

440Hz wrote:

I agree the situation are kinda different in one way, cos my friend *actually* did something... but there were too many similarities not to mention it. Anyway, I totally agree with you Kingp re he was right not to trust my friend, but look where it got him. There was no story with this other guy, it was innocent enough, she would never see him again, and she came back to her husband and kids - now its a mess, cos privacy was comprimised, and that shouldn't happen. What I think potyty should do is think very carefully about whether he trusts his fiancee completely or not... and if not then... a rethink is in order.... cos you have nothing without trust

100% agree with you 440Hz

The OP should really take a look at himself here because he obviously has problems trusting his fiance and that is no way to enter into a marriage. He needs to sort out his issues before he gets married

Gazza22

Don't allow any of these thoughts to enter your mind!

She wouldn't be marrying you if she had any thoughts of her ex!
There is nothing wrong with her having some correspondance with him, he wrote to her not the other way around and she had the decency to not ignore him. But you didn't see any reply from the last email did you? He got out of control and your fiancee didn't entertain him at all!

Clear your mind, and try not to be so nosey in future! Respect her privacy!

Good luck with the wedding

Kell

potyty wrote:

Iand being quite insecure, I'm always anxious

Why are you quite so insecure? Insecurity is a diastrous thing in a relationship and all sorts of shít happens because of it.

Perhaps you should sort out your insecurity issues in addition to getting married before something else comes up to play on your mind, then something else, then something else, then something else...... Get the picture?

440Hz wrote:

Hmmmm, right I am sure you have nothing to worry about. However I will share this story with you:

i went on holidays with my married friend a few months ago. Herself and her husband have been having problems for a long time, and when we were on holidays she kissed another man.

WTF are you scaring the bejaaysus out of the OP for. Your friends experience is radically different in the sense that "They were having problems for a long time". Jeebus wept. :mad:

K-

newgrange

You either trust her or you don't. You checked her mail, so you don't.

So, this time your fears were allayed - what about next time? Will you root through her phone messages? Follow her when she says she's going out with the girls?

Your insecurity will cause all sorts of problems in your marriage if you do not deal with it NOW. This woman loves you and wants to be with you, and you sneak behind her back checking emails?

AARRRGH

As other people have said, your emotions are blinding you a bit here, and you are reading into it waaaay more deeply than you should.

I know if an ex of mine contacted me, I'd reply with a nice response and if she said something about being in love with me, I'd have no choice (as I'm not a wanker) to reply with something warm and understanding.

This seems to be all your future wife did.

There really isn't anything to read between the lines. I understand your brain desperately wants to read between the lines, wants to get some angle on it... and your insecurities are making you think of worst case scenario... but I assure you, she has done nothing wrong.

Just chill

Edit: I would like to add, I am sure you are a "better person" than your insecurities make you believe. Try to realise you deserve your girlfriend. She is not doing you a favor by being with you!!

Khannie

Nice post there Dublindude. 100% Khannie endorsement on that.

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I hope she dosent read boards.ie I mean how many girls are getting married and got an e-mail bla bla bla.......

anyway id say tell her the truth. u read her mail and bla bla..
she will be offended but then u shouldnt be reading other peoples mail.
but id say she will forgive u and it will all b dandy in a little while.

Worrying is a waste of time,so just tell her..

AARRRGH

Adblock wrote:

I hope she dosent read boards.ie I mean how many girls are getting married and got an e-mail bla bla bla.......

anyway id say tell her the truth. u read her mail and bla bla..
she will be offended but then u shouldnt be reading other peoples mail.
but id say she will forgive u and it will all b dandy in a little while.

Worrying is a waste of time,so just tell her..

No, no, I totally disagree with this.

There is NO issue here. She hasn't done anything wrong/weird/impolite.

Telling her he has been reading her e-mail WILL cause big problems.

Best to let this one lie and die me thinks...

WhiteWashMan

potyty wrote:

I am getting married shortly to the girl of my dreams. She is everything I have ever wanted and being quite insecure, I'm always anxious that she will leave for a 'better looking' person or the usual type worries. I handle this problem fine until yesterday when she didn't log out of her email account and curiosity got the better of me. I looked at her mail and there was some mail from a person she was close to a long time ago about 3 and a bit years ago. He had mailed her to say he couldn't stop thinking of her and that he hoped she was happy. She replied to him and told him she remembered the good times they had together and how was he with his wife. He wrote back to her asking her to promise him that if she is ever unhappy, to get in touch with him and he will leave everything for her and that his heart only beats for her. When I read this I became numb and i just cant get the thought out of my mind now that she might return to him. Some time ago, he met up with her just after we started seeing and declared his feelings for her but she rebuffed him. I really need some advice or an arm around my shoulder or something.
Thank you.

it would appear to me that this chap has not gained any closure from his relationship with her, and is desperately trying to make himself feel better by hoping that against all the odds that someday she will return to him.

but i see nothing from your partner to even suggest she would do this. that is all your thinking.

sure, it feels odd to see that someone else has feelings for your missus, but at the end of the say, she is with you, and again, i see no evidence at all that that will change.

stop your imagination in its tracks. its running rampant.

if its going to cause you problems then sit down and say you did a bad thing looking in her email and you want her to reassure you.

of course, it may end up in a big row about how you dont trust her, but thats your own fault

secret_squirrel

You say you are insecure - so presumably this isnt the first time you have felt this way about something to do with your fiancé?

Does she know how insecure you are? If not dont you think she deserves to know? You both need to enter marriage with open eyes. If you cant deal with insecurity issue either with or without her help (which ever works), you need to be sure your marriage and relationship is going to be strong enough to survive these bouts of insecurity.

Femelade

oh tough one alright.
not sure if i'm on the "tell her" side or the "dont tell her" side.

well, i reckon she has no interest in this other guy. she blew him off for a second time, so u dont think u have anything to worry about there.

and also, like what dublindude said, do u think she is marrying you as a favour? she loves you, and wouldnt consider marrying you otherwise.

i hope everything works out for you, wether u tell her or not.

best of luck.


-Femmy

TerrorFirmer

Khannie wrote:

Man oh man. That's rough. *hugs*

I would tell her that you read the mail (apologising at the same time). Do not enter into marriage hiding something from your wife to be.

Now, for the flip side of that story: That guy's a dick. I mean a real, proper, dick. I'm surprised nobody has mentioned this, but his wife deserves to know that he'd leave her at the drop of a hat for someone else. Also, he's been agressively trying to woo your fiancé. I'm normally a very peaceful man, but if someone did that to me, well.....It's just not acceptable behaviour. He should stay the f*ck away from your woman. He had his chance. You won. Fair and square. (I know that sounds a bit caveman like, but I have an intense dislike for that guys kind of behaviour).

Also, your fiancé has to be thinking that he's a dick. Anyone that would enter into marriage and (presumably) less than 3 years later declare his undying love for someone other than his wife is never going to appear attractive to any woman.

Spot on.

Zaph0d

Do you expect your fiancée to never again speak to any of her exes just to allay your jealous insecurities? To never even look at another man?

I guess this isn't for everyone but at some point I just gave up on privacy . Passwords for email, online banking, voicemail are all shared. Everyone needs time on their own but no secrets. It makes for an easy life and a closer relationship.

The Sweeper

The come-on:

He had mailed her to say he couldn't stop thinking of her and that he hoped she was happy.

The put-down:

She replied to him and told him she remembered the good times they had together and how was he with his wife.

I want to clarify one thing - was her reply a "I miss you too, are things bad with Mary?" or was it "Yeah we had good times. How's Mary?"

Because the latter is a typical female tactic; combining a rejection with pointing out to a guy that he has a wife and should therefore be thinking about her.

Khannie

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Because the latter is a typical female tactic; combining a rejection with pointing out to a guy that he has a wife and should therefore be thinking about her.

Meant to point this out earlier. This is spot on. I've seen this tactic in action before myself (though never on the receiving end ). It's usually a very effective put down. Obviously this guy can't take a hint.

AlanD

First of all, never ever cross the line again and read your wife-to-be's email or text messages or post. Never do it. It's wrong regardless of your intentions or knowledge of potentially something going on. From what I read, there's nothing going on, just a bit of chat and the most recent poster hit the nail on the head.

Second, don't tell her you read her email because she will forever be paranoid about what she says in her own personal email and whether you like it or not, she deserves the freedom and privacy to say whatever she likes to whoever she likes. If you trust her, she will trust you if she truely does love you. If down the line, the love is gone, then there's going to be consequences. So don't start off on a long term committment by breaking that trust. My wife and I would never cross that line and it's comforting to know that we trust each other.

Third, a relationship will forever be a work in progress. If you love this girl as much as you do, you should show her. Show her why she's marrying you and not that other block. Don't be posessive about her, treat her with respect. Treat her in such a way that she knows beyond any shadow of doubt that you love her and she should show the same love back to you. Getting married doesn't mean you can rest on your laurels. This is the start of the end for ye if that's how you feel. Turn your insecurity in to a major show of love and affection for your future wife.

And fourth, never tell her that you read her email and never read it again. I cannot stress this strongly enough. Your negative thoughts will seriously damage the relationship and at this stage you don't need to do that. As someone said, that other man is an ass. He is playing his own game. Your girlfriend is marrying you and remember that. I've seen friend's relationships fall to pieces because one (usually the girl) read a text or an email "by accident" and accussed the other of cheating, when in fact nothing of the like was going on. The trust was broken from that point onwards and the downward spiral of rows, snapping, mistrust, dishonesty, paranoia destroyed them.

If you are having problems dealing with it, and you find your insecurity difficult to deal with, look up a counsellor in the golden pages and go see one. They will help you sort things out without destroying your relationship. It's your best option and you've nothing to be ashamed of for doing this.

ADUB?

WhiteWashMan wrote:

it would appear to me that this chap has not gained any closure from his relationship with her, and is desperately trying to make himself feel better by hoping that against all the odds that someday she will return to him.

but i see nothing from your partner to even suggest she would do this. that is all your thinking.

Totally agree with the above.
She has already rebuffed him before as further insight into her thinking.

What I would do would be romantic to my GF so she doesnt feel in anyway unwanted unloved etc, then you have nothing to worry about
The other guy is on a losing ticket.

DaisyDuke

I think you need to have a bit more confidence in yourself, and a bit more trust in your fiancee.
Also, no matter how tempting, never ever read someone elses personal email, letters or texts without their permission - they will see it as a total violation of their space, and it's not something that is easily forgotten.

She sounds like an honestly nice girl, who knows how to be tactful. If someone emailled telling her that he would leave his wife and everything for her, yes, he's got some issues with closure. I think, however, if your girlfriend wasn't totally in love with you and ready to get married, the reply would possibly have been more along the lines of "meet you at the airport".

I presume, seeing as you're about to marry this girl, that she is aware of your insecurities and lack of confidence, and I'm sure she takes all of this into consideration.
One word of advice though-
if someone constantly tells their partner how much better they could do, or how they don't know why their partner stays with them because they're crap or whatever, eventually they run the risk of their partner thinking "well maybe I *could* do better".

I'm not saying this to be harsh - it's a reality check. You seem to be truly on to a good thing with your intended. Relax a little and enjoy it. Marriage is built on trust, not suspicion and jealousy.
If this is the worst you have to face in the years ahead, you're a very lucky man.

6th

People here are giving you advise and sympathy and quite frankly you dont deserve it, the only one who's done anything wrong between you are your fiancee is ....YOU! you read her email? theres a big break in trust and confidence there!she has not taken this guy up on is offers and its only natural that she will get attention from other men, thats not her fault - she deals with it but still comes home to a guy who doesnt deserve her trust, deal with the situation or tell her ... but if you do tell her she has the right not to trust you again!!

6th

bohsboy

In fairness to the guy I have sympathy for him. The insecurity issue is something that needs to be worked on, dont get me wrong. You need to take a step back every now and then and look at your relationship. If you are getting married you have obviously accomplished a lot with your partner. That requires hard work between the two of you. Look how far you have come to get this satge, if your partner wanted out she would have bailed out a long time ago. Don't let your insecurities drag you down. Obviously you must have some endearing qualities for someone to want to marry you! Dont forget these!!

The guy mailing is a tosser. I'd be tempted to reply by mail myself to him stating that your fiance showed you his mail and you both had a good laugh but then thats going to his sad levels.

Forget about it, you're lucky to have such a solid partner that obviously loves you.

dramaqueen

If at some point down the line you think you will probably get drunk and throw this email at your wife then you should tell her now. She will be far more hurt to think that you invaded her privacy and then hid it from her.
The odds are that it will come out. Be a man and face up to it now. Give her the choice to forgive you.
No matter what was written in her email, you were in the wrong. You know you were.
The guilt will get to you and and the insecurity will build and build.
These things always end badly so take control of the situation.
Tell the truth, apologise and hope she will be able to forgive you. If you were my boyfriend I would at least appreciate that you were being honest.

iceman_2001_ie

Be totally open and honest with her about how you feel, about reading the email, about your concerns about her leaving you.

Remember thou, you have no control over another guys feelings.

Talliesin

Right, so she has an offer the get back with someone she had a thing with in the past laid in front of her on a plate.

She's at a point (just before getting married) when doing something because of any fears she might have about her current situation is most likely.

And she's still with you.

Congratulations. It would appear you have an attractive partner who has little interest in looking elsewhere.

Hells_Belle

Dude, get a a grip. Worrying about whether to confront your girlfriend over an issue you've created in your head when she's done absolutely nothing wrong is indeed enough to make you crazy.

He hit on her; she rebuffed him; you're blaming her. That's just nuts.

I'm sorry you're all tortured over this, but forcing your future wife to carry the can for your insecurities is completely unjustified. And don't read other people's email. It's just rude.

And here's a bit of unsolicited marital advice: you struggling with personal insecurity issues is going to be problematic enough, but when you allow those to explode into mutual trust issues, you're damaging your relationship. So quit that.

astrofool

Well first thing would be to tell your wife to be that you read her email, do it from an apologetic point of view that you saw these emails to this guy, and find out what the story is. Fact is, you're soon going to be committing yourself to this woman forever (tho these days...), and if you don't find out this now, it'll gnaw at you till it does. Also if your relationship is close, you really should be able to trust each other enough to read each other's emails.

Second thing is to forward all the emails to the wife of the "guy" (after you've told your fiancé you read them), I'd agree with Khannie here, he is scum.