Takin a BREAK

réaltóg

Hey guys..

Me and my boyfriend have been together over 3 years. I'm almost 21, he's a little older. He's my first everything- kiss, love..... You get the idea.

We've been havin a lot of arguments recently. Some just about stupid little things, but the others are about sex and stuff like that. I feel like I have to throw myself at him to get any sexual attention from him these days. I travel pretty far to see him every weekend and its takin it's toll on me after 3years.

He wants to take a break, I wanna talk it out. What is it with men and not wantin to talk about things?

I'm the kinda person that bottles things up- if he hurts me, I dont really say it to him, I just let it all build up and I finally reach boiling point and I end up sayin stupid things.

I love this guy with all my heart. I cant imagine ever wantin to be with anyone else. I dont know if I could handle takin a break. This guy is my whole life and just to stop seein and talkin to him would kill me.

Has anyone else experienced this kinda thing? What do you guys think I should do?

Míle buíochas!

REDZ

Hey
I split with a girl i loved with all my heart about 2 years ago,we don't speak now but im still mad about her and might always be...but spliting with was pretty good in the end..in fact lifes never being better cos i focused on me for a while, not us, u know what i mean? i got a good job, spent more time with my friends, got a nice gaff. before with her this stuff didn't matter, only me and her mattered.
I guess what i'm trying to say is, your young and haven't finished deciding who you are. find out who you are and what you want to do and you will be happy, regardless of romance. in fact its easier to get your life right outside of a relationship.
Good luck
Redz

Webmonkey

To be honest I think when people act like that and say they want a break they are indirectly saying they want to break up. Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh or something but it sounds like maybe it is too much of a commitment to him to stay together always and he wants to go out in the world and find new people.
Just my thinking..

WhiteWashMan

i guess you either sit down and talk through all the objections, or you break up.

men dont talk about thier feelings becasue most of the time they dont know whats wrong with them. its very hard to articulate when you dont understand what your problem is. especially late teens to mid 20's. you have grown out of all that teen rubbish, only to start learning about your emotions and feelings and relationships, and its all so confusing!

so talking a lot may help him unwind, let him think about what the issue is, and let you both discuss the future. it may be that with absence, people move in different directions. if thats so, then theres very little chance of staying together, and the sooner you both face that fact the better.
otherwise, just talk.
you may be surprised about it.

i recall once going to see a councellor at the request of an ex girlfriend, and when i was in there, i worked out that actually i didnt want to go out with her anymore.

although i never told her that.

réaltóg

We always said we'd take a break from each other for a while before we settled down or whatever. I just always imagined it as bein way into the future. I've never been with anyone else. I just feel so confused. My life revolves around him WAY too much, I've known this for months but I just cant bring myself to let go. I think about him all the time. I really need to get a life! I know he'd find it easier to let go of me because he's so much more sure of himself.

Its gonna hurt bad aint it It all just sucks

Gazza22

réalt&#243 wrote: »

We've been havin a lot of arguments recently. Some just about stupid little things, but the others are about sex and stuff like that.

He wants to take a break, I wanna talk it out. What is it with men and not wantin to talk about things?

Maybe if he wants to take a break, then just do it because the relationship will probably get worse if he's in a relationship that he just doesn't feel comfortable in..though if you guys take a break, he will have time to think things over and probably realize he wants you.

I'm the kinda person that bottles things up- if he hurts me, I dont really say it to him, I just let it all build up and I finally reach boiling point and I end up sayin stupid things.

Now this you definitely shouldn't do! You will have to work on getting things out in the open. In a way, this is the same as him not talking to you about his problems...ever think he just might bottle things up too?

I love this guy with all my heart. I cant imagine ever wantin to be with anyone else. I dont know if I could handle takin a break. This guy is my whole life and just to stop seein and talkin to him would kill me.

Have you told him this exactly? Well it sounds like your really in love and i hope everything goes well for you...

Good luck

WhiteWashMan

réalt&#243 wrote: »

We always said we'd take a break from each other for a while before we settled down or whatever. I just always imagined it as bein way into the future. I've never been with anyone else. I just feel so confused. My life revolves around him WAY too much, I've known this for months but I just cant bring myself to let go. I think about him all the time. I really need to get a life! I know he'd find it easier to let go of me because he's so much more sure of himself.

Its gonna hurt bad aint it It all just sucks

dont be so sure he is more 'sure of himself'.

you will never know until you talk, so until then, put all this self indulgent clap to the side and concentrate on what you have.

if it comes to breaking up, then break up, but there ont be any real way of going back to each other after that. you will both move on in different directions, and do different things.
maybe its good for you, maybe not

U$ername

Take a break...if he wants a break and you dont then it could put unnecessary pressure on what you already have..

BTW if you do take a break have a look through this...
Take it with a few grains of salt though no one knows everything

Kell

réalt&#243 wrote: »

I'm the kinda person that bottles things up- if he hurts me, I dont really say it to him, I just let it all build up and I finally reach boiling point and I end up sayin stupid things.

réalt&#243 wrote: »

My life revolves around him WAY too much, I've known this for months but I just cant bring myself to let go. I think about him all the time. I really need to get a life! I know he'd find it easier to let go of me because he's so much more sure of himself.

Perhaps you should forget about the break, split up and work on your own issues here. Sorry to be cruel here but perhaps his thinking is that you have become really clingy, and erm.. no bloke wants that.

You sould like you have some self-esteem/confidence issues which allow you to immerse yourself completely into this dude. Use the break/split to work on these problems and become a way happier person when and if you decide to get into another relationship.

K-

pdunno

A break might not be the worst thing in the world. Give you a chance to take a step back, think about yourself and what you want and not worry too much about anything. I know it's easier said than done, but a couple of weeks/months suiting yourself might just give you the clarity you need to make a decision on where you want to be. Could be that the break makes you both realise how much you really want to be together.

roberteboot

Kell wrote:

Perhaps you should forget about the break, split up and work on your own issues here. Sorry to be cruel here but perhaps his thinking is that you have become really clingy, and erm.. no bloke wants that.

K-

Or maybe dont break up and work on your own issues.If you know what i mean.Maybe its all becoming a little much for him and the only thing he can think of is taking a break,but if you talk to him about things maybe youll discover that he just wants you both to have a bit more of a life outside the relationship.He may just feel you both need more time seperate,like he feels its just relationship,relationship,relationship 24 hours a day.You may just both need to get seperate interests,go out with friends things like that.

LegacyUser

Kell wrote:

Perhaps you should forget about the break, split up and work on your own issues here. Sorry to be cruel here but perhaps his thinking is that you have become really clingy, and erm.. no bloke wants that.

You sould like you have some self-esteem/confidence issues which allow you to immerse yourself completely into this dude. Use the break/split to work on these problems and become a way happier person when and if you decide to get into another relationship.

K-

I'm the BF in this situation, Kell, you've hit the nail on the head..

We don't really need a break but we really need our own space, you know why i said we needed a break, because of what you said the other night.

YOU really need time away from me i think, you say you couldn't go on if we break up, i'm afraid that's true.

The only thing i'm really unhappy about is that fact that you don't want to ''share'' me, you give me **** about the littleist things and it just pisses me off, you make me think i'm doing something wrong when we both know i'm not..

You need your own time and to be honest you need to forget about me for a while and live your own life!!

Beruthiel

Boyfriend101 wrote:

you say you couldn't go on if we break up

that is a huge amount of pressure to put on any one person and screams of self esteem issues.
An independant person knows that life would be crap for a while but that they will survive the break up and be able to get on with their lives.
An independant person is easier to live with in the first place because they have their own lives to live and don't require you to be there 24/7

OP
sound to me like you need this break and it will make you a stronger person in the long run.

WhiteWashMan

Boyfriend101 wrote:

I'm the BF in this situation, Kell, you've hit the nail on the head..

We don't really need a break but we really need our own space, you know why i said we needed a break, because of what you said the other night.

YOU really need time away from me i think, you say you couldn't go on if we break up, i'm afraid that's true.

The only thing i'm really unhappy about is that fact that you don't want to ''share'' me, you give me **** about the littleist things and it just pisses me off, you make me think i'm doing something wrong when we both know i'm not..

You need your own time and to be honest you need to forget about me for a while and live your own life!!

no offence, but thats pretty defensive stuff.

i suspect that you also need to do some growing up.

whether you do that together, or apart is entirely up to both of you.

LegacyUser

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i suspect that you also need to do some growing up.

réaltóg

K.. it's hard to read this stuff, but a lot of it about me being too clingy is true. I need to get my life sorted. I have no self confidence at all.

I used to be my own person. I was always shy, but before my relationship but I had a life. I went out with my friends and had a good time. I've been with my boyfriend since I was 17!!! Life started revolvin around him at that stage with me bein away from home in Dublin to see him every weekend. Thats when I lost the old me I suppose..

I know I'm dependin on him a bit too much but he's no angel either. Nobodys perfect I suppose.

I dont have many close friends and the ones I do have I only see about once a flippin year cos I live in the country and have to depend on people for lifts and I feel bad when I ask for their time.

I'm such a f*** up

réaltóg

You know why I said what I said. I've changed a lot over the last few months with regards to lettin you get on with band stuff and not buttin in. I just thought you might spend just 5 minutes with me on my 21st since I cant go to you. You didnt have to come to my house, you could have met me in Navan or somewhere. You could have met me in the morning and gone home to jam after that.. I snapped on Wednesday, thats all.

I've had the worst summer I could have possibly had, you know that. I've put in a lot of work in college to pass all my exams and not have to repeat and I've had a full time job all summer and along with the accident I've had a pretty tough year. I just dont want to bicker anymore. I dont have the energy!

WhiteWashMan

why are you such a fúck up?

i dont understand.

Beruthiel

boyfriend101 wrote:

he's saying, there's a pair of ye in it and it's not just all one sided

réaltóg

I'm 21 next week and I'm leanin on someone else for support instead of standin on my own two feet like I should be doin at this stage in my life.

Gonzolas

I think you two should go on the Trisha show.

réaltóg

Nevyn

I think Gonzolas should read the charter.
banned for a week for unhelpful comments.
Thaed

ambro25

réalt&#243 wrote: »

I travel pretty far to see him every weekend and its takin it's toll on me after 3years.

Maybe you should *temporarily* meet every other week-end, leaving each of you a week-end to yourself to do stuff on your own/with your friends... and which you can talk about and share: introduce some variety in your respective lives -

Sounds like your BF *might* not yet be mature enough to realise that he's experiencing boredom (or be too afraid/upstanding to realise so to himself and discuss the issue with you),

and you *might* not yet be experienced enough (as he's your first and only -kinda thing) to realise that you *might* be getting increasingly possessive - and demonstrate corresponding insecure behaviour (bickering) - as, deep down, you feel he's moving away...

All the best (me & the Missus had to go months apart at a time, different countries and all, before we got married - and still it carried on for a while after, with my National Service and stuff... never did us any harm )

Kell

Boyfriend101 wrote:

I'm the BF in this situation, Kell, you've hit the nail on the head..

Sometimes, just sometimes I hate being right.

Boyfriend101 wrote:

u say you couldn't go on if we break up, i'm afraid that's true.

Erm, no offense dude, but people do actually get on with their lives after a breakup. Even a major one.

Boyfriend101 wrote:

You need your own time and to be honest you need to forget about me for a while and live your own life!!

He could have a point here folks.

Réalt&#243 wrote: »

have to depend on people for lifts and I feel bad when I ask for their time.

I'm such a f*** up

I wish we had peoples names here. Would help. Réal whatever, first up when you ask someone for something its their decision to say yes or no - you're not responsible for it either way. Would you feel guilty for asking someone something if they said no? I didnt think so.

In all honesty, I dont think the pair of you are cut out for eachother any longer from reading both your comments and perhaps best thing is to part ways. If arguing on the tinterweb is a social norm for ye both, then something is seriously wrong in the equation if you cant verbalise this to eachother off a public forum.

Back to my first post and aside from BF101, babes, I really think you need to work on the confidence thing. Perhaps even take on the advice of an expert. You'd be so much happier with yourself if you did and if you are opposed to or worried about the idea of therapy think of it this way - if you had a broken leg, you'd go to the hospital. Whats the difference with your head?

K-

LegacyUser

Kell wrote:

Erm, no offense dude, but people do actually get on with their lives after a breakup. Even a major one.-

Yeah i know this, and i'm not trying to blow my own trumpet but her lack of confidence is just soo great that i'm afraid of what a possible break up could do to her...

Kell wrote:

In all honesty, I dont think the pair of you are cut out for eachother any longer from reading both your comments and perhaps best thing is to part ways. If arguing on the tinterweb is a social norm for ye both, then something is seriously wrong in the equation if you cant verbalise this to eachother off a public forum.-

Just to make it clear we're not arguing on the internet, she just posted looking for other people's opinions, i just happened to be passing through.

Kell wrote:

Back to my first post and aside from BF101, babes, I really think you need to work on the confidence thing. Perhaps even take on the advice of an expert. You'd be so much happier with yourself if you did and if you are opposed to or worried about the idea of therapy think of it this way - if you had a broken leg, you'd go to the hospital. Whats the difference with your head?

K-

I've suggested this to her before, i told her i'd help her, i know the reasons behind her confidence/self esteem issues and to be honest, if we ever did break up then she'd just be the same with the next bf and so on...