Permission to talk to you?

LegacyUser

I'm going to apologise in advance as i'm not sure if any of this will make sense.

I find it hard to talk about my issues (there's always someone worse off than me/don't think anyone would be interested) and therefore hold onto them. I don't bring them up all the time or anything, just keep stuff with me. I'm normally outgoing, life of the party etc. but lately i've been feeling down all the time. Can't stop thinking about my past (and no i can't leave it there). I cry myself to sleep at night and try to put on a brave face for everyone but it's noticable that there's something wrong with me.

I can't afford councelling so was going to try you guys. Talk you about my problems. This is probably going to sound very strange but I am asking for your permission to pour my life out to you guys?

Beruthiel

spill your guts
that's what we're here for
a

Kinetic^

Fire away

WhiteWashMan

hey, welcome to the life of 50% of the population.

if you can find out what the problem si by chatting away here, then go for it.

BizzyC

Go for it, it's what the PI forum is for.

Eolyn

Definately. you'll find some good advice on these forums. Spill.

LegacyUser

Thanks. I'm not sure where to start. I think recent events might have triggered it so i'll start there.

In the past five years three people very close to me have lost daughters (all babies). I know that what I feel is only a fraction of what they are going through but it kills me. N was 11 days old and i watched her slip away. She didn't stand a chance. C was one month from her first birthday, she died in a freak accident. S only lived for 30 mins.She is my goddaughter.

I know there is nothing i could've done to prevent any of this but I can't help thinking there could've been something, anything.

The hardest thing now is trying to say/do the right thing. I'm so lost, don't know how to help them now. When S died i was expected to know what to do. Someone actually said "you've done this before, you should be a pro". That person is without a heart but there are others who've thought it. Gave me the look. Asked me what they should do. I don't know. Everyone is different and will deal with things there own way, I know this but I feel so helpless around my friends. I want to and others want me to help them get over this but I can't and i beat myself up about it enough but now there are others relying on me.

I really don't know what to do and always end up saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I'll stop there for now.
And thank you.

Beruthiel

how dreadful
when a parent looses a child, there is nothing anyone can do to make it better.
Absolutely nothing will make them feel better, I cannot and do not want to know what it must be like to be in that position, I feel for them.
If someone expected you to have the answer, then they are a fool, short of you being god and bringing the child back that is.
there is no point whatsoever beating yourself up about this, it's out of your hands, always was, always will be.
yes, of course you feel bad, they were close to you, but you should be feeling nothing more than sadness at the loss of these children.
Feeling guilt for something that you could not control is not necessary, you must see this?

I want to and others want me to help them get over this

you can't, nobody can
they will do it in their own time and in their own way, when they are ready

BizzyC

Beruthiel's right.

All you can do to help is make yourself available. Whenever they need someone, be there.

There aren't any "right things" to say, or things to do. Just stay close to them, make sure they know they have a friend to lean on.

cregser

I was wondering about this recently as well. I never have the right thing to say when someone I know has lost someone close to them. Recently an uncle called to my house to use the phone to place an add in the paper for his deceased nephew (not my direct cousin). I felt so awkward, but I don't think there's any way around that. If the bereaved is a close friend or family member the only answer you have is to be there for them.

I imagine that if I lost someone close to me, I'd be vulnerable and desperate for help/answers from anyone. But I'd say focusing on those who I still have close to me rather those who I've lost, as well as how/why/when I lost them would be a greater help - as long as it's not denial.

So, I guess, just be there for them and show them what they've still got. My mother has lost a father and two siblings and a good friend of the family. She just made herself available to her mother and family to support them. When it got to her, I just made myself available to her. It's all you can do and all you can expect of yourself and others.

Typing that helped me. I hope it helped you too.

Gilgamesh

Man this is really one of the meanest things that can happen, especially been in a similar situation recently with my sister, and everybody waiting for me to give the answers.

there is a quite long phase where you feel sorry for yourself especially because you feel you have no one to turn to yourself to pour your heart out.
It is a nightmare, indeed, but make sure it doesn't eat you up, I know it changed me and probably forever, but it is something that does happen.
My advise would be to try and talk to to the people who were coming to you with their problems, I had the principal that I helped them, so they can help me.
otherwise, I have found over the last year, that giving people the occassional advise from experience in my past has had something calming about it.

Boards PI is a great place, especially because you are taen care of by the Mods that no one starts wrecking your thread or even giving you bad advise.

Wish you all the best.

Gilga

WhiteWashMan

to be honest, i lost a brother through cot death, and i know it tore my parents apart.
but there are groups that can help to deal with things like this.

i think at the moment, what you need is a completely fresh and unbiased viewpoint from someone who is not going to judge you or hold any misconceptions, and the only way you will get that is through councelling.
it will help you straighten your head, and take away all those weird and wonderful thoughts that will go through your head, as i can see them going through your writing.

by the way, there is no right or wrong things to do or say. if someone has said something to you that you felt was inappropriate, just remember that they too probably didnt have a clue what to say, and felt awkward, and are probably now spending days kicking themselves and eating themselves up inside because they said something like that. it probably wasnt supposed to come out like it did, but in your grief, its natural that you will pick up what was said, but not understand they way it was meant.

as before, you need an unbiased and unjudging person with no pre conceptions to tell all of this to.
while this internet forum may help to a degree, you wont be able to get out what you need to get out, and you may not get such a positive audience that you would like.

Jim10000

It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure to support others while you might not have anyone to 'let it out' to yourself. I think you really need to talk to someone about all this.

Maybe you could try the Samaritans?

dramaqueen

Hi there,
I don't think that anybody ever really knows what to say. I recently lost someone close to me and to be honest, all I really wanted was for someone to be there. Nothing they said helped or changed it. They were just there, and they listened. That helped.
And they would chat about every day things. Sometimes you just want things to go back to normal for a little while.
On the flip side, a close friend of mine lost many family members in the Tsunami at the beginning of the year. He went over there and when he came back, he really needed to talk.
I felt totally helpless and couldn't even begin to imagine what he had seen. I would just sit with him while he talked it through. I never really tried to say anything, because I didn't know what to say. Alot of people offered him advice but it only frustrated him. Eventually for my own sanity I had to stop listening. I would sit there and make all the right noises but I couldn't hear any more. I was having nightmares and feeling really depressed.
I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes somebody elses pain isn't yours.
You can be there for them, and you can feel for them, but you mustn't feel it with them.
If that makes any sense...

LegacyUser

Thank you, all of you.
It feels so wierd yet so comforting being able to write all this down and have someone actually see it. This is my first time to share something so personal to me now i'm not sure why i didn't come here before. I won't say I feel any better about my situation but it nice to have you here.

I know a lot of my friends would be happy to listen to me. I'm just afraid if I bring it up at the wrong time for one of them. My friends boyfriend gave me his number after S died so I could talk to him. I don't know him that well but he was in the same situation two years ago (his god-daughter died) and thought he could help. Again, I was afraid i'd upset him. Maybe we could help each other.

I've thought about councelling before as I want so bad to be able to move on from this but I just can't afford it and wouldn't know where to go anyway.

LegacyUser

Yes Drama Queen. It makes sense.

But it is my pain too. I planned for this baby with my friend. She is my god-daughter. I light a candle and talk to her everynight before bed. I go to her grave almost everyday. I held her when she was born and bonded. I miss her almost as if she were my own (I know I don't miss her or ache for her as much as my friend).

I am always there for her. She knows that and she has told me that I'm the only one she can talk to. She even moved in with me and my Mum so that she can just come and talk to me any time, day or night. It just doesn't feel like it's enough.

I just got the strangest feeling. As I'm typing this I'm realising that i'm actually an okay friend.

Talliesin

You might feel like you can't talk to the parents because they are going through worse, but when you've lost someone (though I can only speak from the experience of losing adults that were close to me, not children) it can be ["good" is not quite the right word, nor is "comforting", perhaps just a bit less lonely-in-grief] to know that other people are grieving with you.

WhiteWashMan

A_Mess wrote:

My friends boyfriend gave me his number after S died so I could talk to him. I don't know him that well but he was in the same situation two years ago (his god-daughter died) and thought he could help. Again, I was afraid i'd upset him. Maybe we could help each other..

its how people help each other.
you may find that he has some of the same worries and fears as you.
if someone has actually offered to talk to you, you would probably be doing him a favour as well.
arrange a chat today. in fact, do it now! and bring plenty of tissues

Beruthiel

WhiteWashMan wrote:

if someone has actually offered to talk to you, you would probably be doing him a favour as well.

agreed
he wouldn't have offered if he didn't also want to talk about it, talking helps and you will be helping him just as much as he'll be helping you.
call him

Victor

Take a look at http://www.iol.ie/~isidansr/home.htm The ISIDA has some volunteers, a phone number and a Befriending Service.

A_Mess wrote:

I held her when she was born and bonded.

I know what its like. My god-daughter and I decided to be god-daughter / god-father when she was three days old. Its amazing what they'll agree to after a bottle and a half.

She died in her sleep when she was 15 months. It drove me off the edge.

A_Mess wrote:

I light a candle and talk to her everynight before bed. I go to her grave almost everyday.

This is a very hard thing to say - are you living this too much? Is this affecting your functionality? Are you getting on with the rest of your life?

Drop me a PM if you want.

nesf

It's tough, one of my relations and his wife lost two children, one 6 months old in a car crash, the other 2 months due to cot death, almost within a year of each other. In between them my granuncle, his father, died. It took a long time but the support of family and friends eventually helped them through.

It is possibly one of the worst deaths to deal with, that of a young child.


The pain grows less in time, but it never really goes away. It's always there in the back of one's mind. It does get duller though.

You will get through this, there is no easy route though.

its_only_me

I want to let you all know that i have decided to no longer be guest here. I changed my Name to its_only_me.

A_Mess

I am still living my life, just that she is now a big part of it. I think I am actually living it more now than I ever did.

dramaqueen

If you feel that you need to go visit her grave everyday then do it for now. But maybe you should try to have a schedule. I'm sure you don't need to be there to speak to her so maybe everyday next week you could make the visit 5 minutes shorter.
Then the next week you should try to only go 5 days. Keep doing things like that until you are only visiting her one day a week.
Substitute your visits with quiet time for you. Go for a walk or just light a candle and sit alone quietly.
Reflect on what she meant to you and what she meant to her family. I don't believe that she is in the ground. She is in your heart and you will always carry her with you. Love her but live on. I'm sure it's what she would have wanted.
I believe that when we loose someone, we have a great wealth of love that we don't know what to do with anymore. The person we gave it to is gone.
Give it to yourself.
Treat yourself.
I buy myself flowers every week, and it makes me happy to see them on the table when I come home from work.
Find something that you love and do it every week.
You sound like an amazing friend. Be just as good to yourself.
xxx

Talliesin

I think one of the things that makes dealing with the death of so young a person is that when someone older passes we can remember them and what they did. We've lost that, but we can hold on to the memories when they've gone. We have the wake, we look back on the life, and we can be grateful for that as well as sad.

When a child, especially an infant, passes there's so much of a loss of the person they were going to be, the things they were going to do, and the way they were going to be in our lives. And we can't take comfort in the same way.

And being that their potential life ahead of them is gone as well as a life we remember with them, it's harder to get a grip on the grief, to own it and make it part of us and move on. It's hard to get a grip on just what has been lost, when that potential life ahead would have been different, for better and for worse, than anything we can imagine or plan for them, and that very impossibility of seeing just what was ahead is part of the loss in itself.

When my mother passed the thing that made me saddest, the thing I'm still saddest about, was that she never saw my two youngest children (my ex was pregnant with twins at the time), and that she missed seeing all of my children grow up.

When a child passes, everyone that would have been in their lives misses that.

It's harder to talk about perhaps. You don't have the lighter moments in the grief when you recall the amusing or inspiring or maddening anecdotes and share them with those you are sharing the grief with. It could seem like there's nothing left to say except "I'm hurting". But if that's all you can say, then say at least that.