All advice welcome - guy-girl stuff (as per usual!)

Mr Snrub

Ok, don't normally reach out for anonymous advice but what harm can it do I guess!

I was going out with this girl for six months, and we broke up in April. At the time, I thought that was it, move on, etc, but we stayed hanging out a lot, so by the time I went away to Spain for a week in July, I really didn't know what the story was. It's difficult being "best friends" with your ex, I guess.

So, anyway, I thought about it and decided to come back and make a stand, realising that I did still like this girl a lot, and that it was about time to do something about it. Unfortunately, she'd literally, two days before I got back, started dating this guy. Nonetheless, she still managed to somehow get me to confess - not really the right word! - that I was back to try and patch things up. Fast forward a couple of weeks and we're in a pub having a couple of drinks getting her ready to ditch this guy, so at least he's out of the picture. We haven't talked about "us" though since.

She had broken up with me because she'd got hurt once too many - not intentionally by me, but ultimately by me I guess. Whereas I was all about the words, she was more about the actions, she was really good to me on reflection - the last time I'd been not "officially going out" with someone, I'd got hurt so this time I was cautious - not really generous I guess; she was though and so things came to a head in a row and that was that.

I've really changed though over the last couple of months - looking around at my friends in relationships, and having time and space after my finals to think about things without college hanging over me, I think if you've something special with someone, it's worth giving it a chance (she says we've already given it a few chances).

Anyway, my problem now is that I'm still not over her by a long shot, we're still hanging out like best friends, or talking on the phone every day, etc. Should I:
(a) wait for another couple of weeks/months/whatever, see how things are and ask her out on a date, to start all over?
(b) realise there's nothing doing, she's not willing to get hurt again, and try to see less and less of her, so I can get back to normal, or
(c) give her time and space, keep hanging in there as a best friend, and hope that she "sees sense" and is willing to give it another shot?

I can elaborate on various points, if it's not clear - I just didn't want to prattle on too long in the opening salvo!

Thanks.

Fysh

Unless something changes with her, it doesn't sound like you'd be likely to get together, so I would advise against asking her out again or hanging in there as the "best friend hoping she sees sense". Give her (and yourself) space to figure things out for a while, because you're not going to be able to be a proper friend to her if you still have strong feelings, and trying to act like her best friend while struggling with those feelings will leave you feeling frustrated, and probably make her feel like you're only being friends with her to get back together.

Give it time, explain to her that you need to readjust to not being together with her before being good friends, and see how things look 2 or 3 months down the line after you've not been spending so much time together and you've got a bit of a cooler perspective on her.

Eolyn

Or!!

d) Just plainly stop seeing her for awhile. Its obvious that even though ye have broken up she i still in the routine of seeing you. Its like ye havent broken up only you dont do stuff. Stop seeing her for awhile and let her feel how it would be with you not there. Tell her you need to sort your head out. I think she will end up missing you. She might ring you but dont talk for long.

Then go back and see how she feels.

pickarooney

Get a new girlfriend and see does your ex still behave in the same way. If she does, you've no hope, otherwise she might realise that she wants to be back with you.
This would be utterly unfair on the new girlfriend though, so you might have to make one up.
Possibly.Worst. Advice. Ever.

WhiteWashMan

why not just ask her and talk to her and say all the things you have written here.

at least
a) she may go out with you again
b) she doesnt want to go out with you
or
c) she never wants to see you again


but at least you will closure and can move on.
stop wasting your own time by worrying over something you can fix right now this second

U$ername

Been there done that..You cant be just friends with someone that you want to be more than friends with (although these feelings can and may fizzle out over time).

Its over... move on.. if she wants to be more than friends she will come to you as long as you make your intentions clear (which it seems you have)....

Just as a sidenote:
I once went out with a girl, whom I was good friends with and I wanted it to stay the way it was, to prove to her it wouldnt work and soon found out that the greatest teacher is regret.... we aint friends no more..

Kell

Mr Snrub wrote:

I can elaborate on various points, if it's not clear - I just didn't want to prattle on too long in the opening salvo!

No - please dont.

Why dont you look inside for the answers and find out which bit of you "needs" her around enough that you would sacrifice your self esteem to get back with her.

Stop trying to fix mistakes, it just doesnt work that way. Have the courage to accept the fact that you intentionally/unintentionally fúcked up. Take the knowledge to the next relationship rather than trying to fix this one.

I agree with WWM (as usual). You cant fix this - there is nothing to be fixed -accept the fact you have been dumped and move on. Lifes too short to be pining about the past. In fact, I often wonder how humans as a species have developed at all given the amount of people who wallow around thinking "oh I wish it was x when I was with y. It was so nice then".

K-

Mr Snrub

Kell wrote:

Mr Snrub wrote:

I can elaborate on various points, if it's not clear - I just didn't want to prattle on too long in the opening salvo!

No - please dont.

Why dont you look inside for the answers and find out which bit of you "needs" her around enough that you would sacrifice your self esteem to get back with her.

Whoa, back off there Kell - don't know who you are or what makes you so angry about life - this isn't a simple case of someone got dumped and is now sacrificing self-esteem to travel back in time for second chance. Hence, my offer of more info for those who care.

Kell wrote:

Stop trying to fix mistakes, it just doesnt work that way. Have the courage to accept the fact that you intentionally/unintentionally fúcked up. Take the knowledge to the next relationship rather than trying to fix this one.

Funny, if you had been interested in an elaboration, you'd have seen that's precisely what this is all about - taking the plunge and admitting that I messed up and seeing where I am then, rather than ignoring how I acted or what happened, wandering aimlessly into another relationship and hoping that it doesn't happen again.

Kell wrote:

I agree with WWM (as usual). You cant fix this - there is nothing to be fixed -accept the fact you have been dumped and move on. Lifes too short to be pining about the past. In fact, I often wonder how humans as a species have developed at all given the amount of people who wallow around thinking "oh I wish it was x when I was with y. It was so nice then".

K-

This girl still likes me, that much she has said. But she's hurt. I still like her, that much I have said. It's a question of whether I/we can do something now and what I was looking for was some advice on how best to act, not somebody who appears to be picking on people or trying to impress others with angry posts and pseudo-profound musings on the human species.

Unfortunately, you give bad advice. WWM's advice was succinct, thanks for that - Kell, yours was rude. Thank you to the others also - you've given me something to think about.