Things your mother told you....

roberteboot

A friend of mines mother told him that the ice cream van man didnt wash his hands and so there were worms in the ice cream.
He was telling me the other day how he'd be looking at kids getting ice creams from the van and he'd just be sitting there thinking WHAT A BUNCH OF SUCKERS and chuckling to himself.
There must be more of these...

JungleBunny

My grandfather used to always tell my sister, that she would be able to whistle if she ate all of her vegetables all the time.

A nicer version of the usual "eat your veg and you will grow up to be big and strong" i thought.

Cant remember any specific things right now that my mother used to say, but it must have been a lot coz she is still telling me "I told you so!"

Rhyme

My Grandfather had this one

"Those spuds will put hair on your chest..."

Used to get mixed up and replace the word 'chest' with 'hands', 'back' and 'arse'

EDIT: Post 1000 :rolleyes:

Scarinae

"If you eat carrots you will be able to see in the dark" (Mum)
"If you eat your breadcrusts you will get curly hair" (Grandma) (This was around the time I stopped eating my breadcrusts - no way did I want curly hair!)
"If you eat your porridge you'll get hairs on your chest" (friend's Dad)

is_that_so

Me: "That's not fair"
Mother: "Nothing in life is fair" :eek:

Pigman II

"If the wind changes you'll be stuck like that!"

... and I decided not to tempt fate by going against the advise as I was doing an impression of the Rancor from ReturnOfTheJedi at the time of telling.

goin'_to_the_PS

me: "why"
mother "because i said so"

rubadub

caught doing something wrong or dangerous, and it was always

"Mrs.X's son did that, and do you know what happened to him?, took his eye out/broke leg"

MrsA

"If your friends all jumped off a cliff would you want to go with them then?"
This was rolled out whenever I wanted to go somewhere that "everyone" was going!!
MPA

sinjin_smythe

friends mother told him that if he kept masterbating his penis would fall off ! really funny moment when he told us

grimloch

Eat those carrots, you'll have great eyesight, have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?"

"You'll thank me for this when you're older"

"If you tell the truth I won't be angry with you"

Tar.Aldarion

me:'why'

her:'thats the why'

i ****ing hate that!!

dazberry

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

me:'why'

her:'thats the why'

i ****ing hate that!!

Me too - damn mothers

Apart from the above my mother used to just tell me anything to shut me up - so as a result an a number of occasions I made a right ass of myself coming out with complete tripe.

However when I was very young I did get my own back on a couple of occasions:

Me on bus (as loud as anything): "Mammy, there's a man picking his nose, and you told me I should never pick my nose..."

Sitting beside window at home:
Mam: Ah there's not a sinner about
Me on seeing man walking past (at the top of my voice): "Mammy, there's a sinner."

D.

Hagar

While having hair combed as a child - "The longer you stay easy the sooner I'll be finished"

"Aw Ma"
"That's life without a wife and the man next door has two"

"That's not fair"
"Neither is the hair on a black man's arsé"

"Ma I've nothing to do"
"Stick your thumb up your bum and sit on your elbow"

After a minor cut or bruise.
"It's far from your arsé you won't sit on it"

The family was fairly warped all right.

o Fiac

This post has been deleted.

spiderlegs

" If you brush your teeth for long enough they'll glow in the dark"-well at least I cleaned my teeth properly

Mammy:"You're lying"
Me: "how do you know?"
Mammy: "your tongue's gone black"

"Sit too close to the telly and you'll get square eyes"

"There's no such thing as being bored" (always hated that one)

Oh god there's so many ones, they're all comin back to me now... :rolleyes:

Ruu_Old

the black tongue one i know, however i think my Mam made this terrible one up!

"Mam, im bored!"
"Go bore a few holes then"
:mad: :mad:

crazy_dude6662

my freinds mum used to tell him

"if you dont stop crying i'll give you somthing to cry about!"

and my sister was told by grandmother

"only WHORES wear earings" (she was 9 i was 5)
to which i said "but gran, you wear earings"

my great auntie lucy once said to my grandmother about an auntie "dont take that girl to church"
when my grandmother said why my great auntie said "the holy water might burn her"

WellyJ

"If you fall and break your leg dont come running to me!"

The irony was lost on me then

bus77

As I got older and started questioning the mechanics of santa's flying sled, the story became "Ofcorse he dos'nt really have a flying sled. He comes in a big truck."

qz

bus77 wrote:

As I got older and started questioning the mechanics of santa's flying sled, the story became "Ofcorse he dos'nt really have a flying sled. He comes in a big truck."

Brilliant

irishgeo

When asking to go somewhere (when my father was home)

ME: Can i go to X?
Mum: Ask your father?

Having gone looking and found my father?
ME: Can i go to X?
Father: Ask you mother?

It would drive me up the wall.

Another thing after having done something bad?

Mother : Just wait till your father gets home?

I be in my room for hours ****ting myself, often thinking of running away.Only for my father not to say much at all.

rubadub

MrsA wrote:

"If your friends all jumped off a cliff would you want to go with them then?"
This was rolled out whenever I wanted to go somewhere that "everyone" was going!!
MPA

My mates mother used to say that, we'd start asking excitedly "which cliff, where? sounds deadly"

The other one usually said by teachers
"wheres your homework"
"I didn't think we had any"
"THATS RIGHT!, you didn't think, did you?"

I had one teacher who would get visibly pissed off if somebody said it the other way "I thought we didnt have any", you could see him raring up to use the line only to realise he couldnt, prick

crazy_dude6662

there was also "if you fall and break your arse i wont drive you to hospital"


also evil thing my sis told me which was


"if your not asleep when santa arrives he will kidnap you in his black sack and then he will cut out your brain and you will have to make toys forever!"

it backfired, every xmas until i didnt beleive in santa i had to sleep in her room.

Stench Blossoms

My friends mam told him that if the ice cream man had the music on it means he had no ice cream left

Aisling(",)

^PURE CLASS (",)

Mise:Can i go somewhere etc?
Ma:Ask your dad
Moi:Da can I go where ever?
Da:yeah ok
Ma:no
Me;you said ask dad!
Ma:I changed my mind!
Me:BUT!?!
Da:Listen to your mother

Ma:Eat you carots
Me:Why?
Ma:Thet'll make you see in the dark

Ma:Eat your carots
Me:why?
Ma:They'll make your eyesight better
Me:No it won't
Ma;Did you ever see a rabbit with glasses?
(Spent days looking for a rabbit with glasses to prove her wrong)

Ma:Eat your crusts they'll give you curly hair

Ma:If you not asleep by midnight the boogeyman will eat you alive

Da;if your not asleep when the tooth fairy comes she'll pull out all you teeth

Friends ma:Yout golfish ran away

butters scotch

mother: what part of "no" don't you understand? the n or the o?
ah so annoying :mad:

Farls

Mum: "You've my feckin heart broken"

Mum: "If you pick your nose worms will grow in your belly"

Dad: "Here!" (in an annoyed tone )

Scarinae

crazy_dude6662 wrote:

also evil thing my sis told me which was


"if your not asleep when santa arrives he will kidnap you in his black sack and then he will cut out your brain and you will have to make toys forever!"

it backfired, every xmas until i didnt beleive in santa i had to sleep in her room.

Haha I haven't laughed so much in ages! You poor thing

TinCool

One my old geography teacher used to use:

pupil: "Can I go to the toilet ?"
teacher: "I'm sure you can"

natter

Pigman II wrote:

"If the wind changes you'll be stuck like that!"

I didn't realise this wasn't true til a few years ago, I hadn't thought about it in years and I said something bout it to one of my friends who proceeded to fall around laughing and tell half the school :rolleyes:

Who was the guy that used to come around and make sure all the kids were in bed by 8 o'clock, he was in some nursery rythme... cant remember his name. Anyway my granny was always going on about him but little did I care cos the curtains were always closed by 8 so he couldn't see in. Ah yes I thought these problems through as a child! That was until one night Gran was minding us and she brought me into the kitchen at around 8.30 to get me dressed for bed when I realised that mam had taken down the curtains to wash them. I went feckin crazy, hiding in the hot press cos that fella was gonna know I wasn't in bed and take me away

super_furry

Every summer without fail there was a 'kidnapper' on the loose who was just waiting to snatch you and put you in a bag if you went too far away from the house.

Ruu_Old

big mistake telling your school friends "what your mammy said", never live it down

Aisling(",)

natter wrote:

Who was the guy that used to come around and make sure all the kids were in bed by 8 o'clock, he was in some nursery rythme... cant remember his name

Wee Willy Winky

AlienGav

Me: Howeya MA! What's for me DIN DIN?
Ma: Dog's cough cake and cat's malakees! :eek:

Me: Howeya MA! Anychance of a jam sambo?!
Ma: Eat your crust, ya little swine! You'll get curly hair!

What the fudge would anyone want curly hair for?!

Sarky

As a child, I was always warned that if I didn't sit quiet and still during mass, God would come down from the alter and "Get" me.

I don't think it ever worked.

el lupo

AlienGav wrote:

Me: Howeya MA! What's for me DIN DIN?
Ma: Dog's cough cake and cat's malakees! :eek:

Me: Howeya MA! Anychance of a jam sambo?!
Ma: Eat your crust, ya little swine! You'll get curly hair!

What the fudge would anyone want curly hair for?!

Cat's malakees!!!! Thought my Grandad was the only person to use that!!..often coupled with "dog's malogee"

Me: "GrandadDad, what's that made from" (talking about dinner in my Granny's house)

"cat's malakee and dog's malogee"

natter

Aisling(",) wrote:

Wee Willy Winky

Thats the one... A how he forced me to endure years of terror :rolleyes:

4Xcut

"don't play near the edge cos you'll fall in and get sucked into the engines and die" Never messed at the side of the ship again. i was 4

cuaifeadh

Sitting in the car, the Parent driving us home....

Me:: *looking glumb sighing at random trees out the window*
The Parent:: What's wrong with you?
Me:: *sniff* >name< broke up with me.
The Parent:: I don't know what you're complaining about.
You've had more boyfriends this year than hot dinners!

TCamen

Can't think of anything my mum said off-hand, but a neighbour girl who wore glasses freaked me out big time:
One time I asked her why she wore glasses and she told me that if she didn't wear them and tried to watch TV, her eyes would pop out of her head :eek:

Raiser

The Mother was alway convinced we'd break our teeth - when you hit a wall at top speed on yer bike and have blood pouring from everywhere she'd grab your head and inspect your teeth like a vet with a horse & then dismiss you to extract your own sub-skin-gravel :eek:

What about:

"You'll be grand before you're married". - Used to be used to dismiss all wounds....

TCamen

Speaking of teeth actually -- I remember my mum telling me that the kid next door had bad teeth and loads of fillings cos he didn't drink enough milk. Mmmm I love milk

arctic lemur

My mam used to say shut your mouth and finish your dinner! I mean how is that possible like?

Ann Elk

My Grandad was a mischevious sort and told myself, my brother and my sister when we were young, that if anyone pressed in our bellybuttons, our arses would fall off - we were terrified of P.E. for years - I still get wary sometimes.......... :eek:

Aisling(",)

When you cut yourself my ma would say "It'll be gone before your three times married"

junkyard

I remember my mother telling me if you hit your parents your arm would stick up in the grave. I was in an old cemetery one day seeing a skeleton and thinking what kind of charactor he was to see all of him! :eek:

Capt'n Midnight

swallowing chewing gum makes your insides stick together.

cookiemonst3r

my mum used to tell me that if i didnt use the hairdryer to dry my hair i would grow up gettin headaches everyday!!

and if i didnt eat all my dinner i would marry a fat man

and if i watched tv lying down my eyesight wud get worse

Siogfinsceal

my mother scarred me for life i STILL cant eat anything from an ice cream van!!!

she also used to tell me that chewing gum was made from cats guts and that it would stick to my stomach for ever if I swallowed it ewwwww

as for the 'ol pulling the arm outta the socket Ive gotta warn you its true!! Was swinging my little bro round one day I was about 7 and lo and behold his arm went all funny and had to be put back in i felt so so bad!! the next day in school a horribl eteacher told me that I was 'an evil child and that god was watching' scared the crap outta me!!!!!!