Thin line between romantic and stalking?

Stabshauptmann · 01-09-2005 12:22am #1

There are a lot of threads in here about should I shouldnt I, well heres one for the next step. I like to have fun and recently have had few if any problems asking people out or turning them down (wasnt always the case

).

Anyway I asked out this girl Ive known for the past few months and she turned me down. Oh well it happens. And normally Id leave it and move on to the next girl, but... Ive never met a girl like her.

Shes my ideal girl, and we get along so well as friends and Im not talking about intellectual whorage here.

Anyway I want to persue this but Im weary of comming on desperate/stalkerish. I asked her out once in an indirect manner and she joked it away. I can be very insencere, sarcastic etc. So I let some time pass, couple of weeks, we were having a great time one night and so I asked her "you're always complaining that there arent any good men out there, am I your type". She avoids the question a couple of times and tells me to stop asking. But then she spends the rest of the night flurting with me. Come on, say it, Im on the friends ladder arent I? :rolleyes:

So I havent got the direct NO. If I did Id say I could just shrug my shoulders and move on.

A friend told me that she would dismiss my first attempt at asking her out as well. I dont come across as serious and I flurt with EVERYONE. But the second time, at the weekend, I thought I was being blunt and direct.

1)Would you interpret "you're always complaining that there arent any good men out there, am I your type" as a direct enough way to ask someone out

2)Is there a way to stay persuing her without me comming off as obsessed. Im really not, but I just dont want to miss out on what could be the girl of my dreams if theres any thing I can do about it.

I suppose my problem boils down to: sometimes I think she is politely saying no, and other times I think she doesnt think Im serious. Ive tried to show her Im serious but when I ran up against a bit of a blank wall I threw in "Im tall dark and handsome and have a car whats not to love" (made her laugh) so again, she mightnt think Im serious. Its just that sometimes she does and says so many things that makes me think she feels the same way.

Any advice? Similar thing ever happen to any of ye? Women, is there something charming about persistance?

U$ername · 01-09-2005 12:39am

Im not really an expert on this but I'll have a go.

1)Would you interpret "you're always complaining that there arent any good men out there, am I your type" as a direct enough way to ask someone out
Well you have reacted in a normal way for us problem solving men which is provide her with a solution to her no men problem...Unfortunately for you (and all other men) she was just having a conversation and you were doing what you considered to be hitting on her. As for "what women interpret", if you showed even the slightest interest in her she did notice and seemed to have made her choice. Safest bet for you is to jokingly tell her "That she doesnt have a hope finding a good man" and you will get your answer I'd bet.

2)Is there a way to stay persuing her without me comming off as obsessed. Im really not, but I just dont want to miss out on what could be the girl of my dreams if theres any thing I can do about it.

Simple rule of thumb for me
1) If I like her and she likes me, YAY.
2) If she likes me and I dont like her...Get out for a while she will only get hurt.
3) If I like her and she doesnt like me...If I tried and failed, I tried and failed, next!

But then again Im a heartless b****rd, and you probably already know the solution but you dont want to accept it.

simu · 01-09-2005 12:42am

Get her tipsy and the truth will come out...

angeldelight · 01-09-2005 1:23am

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

Women, is there something charming about persistance?

There can be! It has worked on me before, someone wanted me to meet him for a drink and I must have turned him down at least 20 times but he kept asking, I was quite charmed and eventually said yes. Had a good night too!

However I only found that charming cause I quite liked him, if I hadn't liked him even a tiny bit I would have found it annoying.

And no I don't normally say no when a guy I like asks me out, was just strange circumstances

jellie · 01-09-2005 1:34am

Ask her out properly and dont make a joke at the end. If you make a joke then theres no way she can reply and say yes without the feeling that she could be embaressing herself.

Nevyn · 01-09-2005 3:52am

See if she will try a 3 date experiment with you .

Ask her out to dinner,
send her flowers with a card asking her out to dinner on a proper formal date.

Plan a romantic day out somewhere, out where you can walk and talk a lot;
the national art gallery or musems or the Japanse gardens in Kildare.

Then a stay at home date, cooking for her and curled up watching a movie
on a sunday afternoon.

Let her see you in a differnt light.

cee_jay · 01-09-2005 4:12am

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

1)Would you interpret "you're always complaining that there arent any good men out there, am I your type" as a direct enough way to ask someone out

Personally I wouldn't - you admit you are a bit of a joker and a flirt, so this girl would know this. If I was her, and I did like you, I would think you were joking (and fishing for compliments), and would be too shy and embarassed to get my hopes up in front of you in case I was wrong.
The only direct way to ask someone is straight out - I like you, do you want to go on a date?

BizzyC · 01-09-2005 8:40am

Sounds like you need to take a completely direct aproach.

Either
1)She's not taking you seriously,
2)She's afraid to respond properly in case you're not serious,
3)She's not interested/idea never crossed her mind.

The way I see it, you have a 2 in 3 chance.

You can either assume no.3, or take a chance, be completely direct and blunt, and give no chance of her not taking you seriously.

Talliesin · 01-09-2005 9:16am

One romantic gesture. Flowers with an invite to dinner or something.

Enough to let her know you weren't joking previously.

If that doesn't work, drop it (two such romantic gestures crosses the stalker line).

WhiteWashMan · 01-09-2005 9:43am

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

1)Would you interpret "you're always complaining that there arent any good men out there, am I your type" as a direct enough way to ask someone out

its a direct question, because it requires a yes/no answer, however, it is not a question about asking her out.

if you want to ask her a direct question to ask her out, i have always found the 'i'd like to be your boyfriend, will you go out with me' to be the best direct question you can ask.
#

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

I suppose my problem boils down to: sometimes I think she is politely saying no, and other times I think she doesnt think Im serious. Ive tried to show her Im serious but when I ran up against a bit of a blank wall I threw in "Im tall dark and handsome and have a car whats not to love" (made her laugh) so again, she mightnt think Im serious. Its just that sometimes she does and says so many things that makes me think she feels the same way.

Any advice? Similar thing ever happen to any of ye? Women, is there something charming about persistance?

say it to her, say it in sobriety, and say it without making jokes.
even if you have to say, 'im being serious here, i really like you and i would like to be your boyfriend, will you go out with me'.

if she still makes jokes, then just ask her if she is not interested.

either way, you will get your answer, and you can move on.
but sitting around, thinking about it all the time will get you nowhere.
all you will do is get paralysis by analysis.
you will have so many questions you dont know what to do.

either be direct or dont do it all.

after that, youre either with her, or anything after that will be stalking!

DAEDULUS · 01-09-2005 9:58am

Thaed wrote:

See if she will try a 3 date experiment with you .

Ask her out to dinner,
send her flowers with a card asking her out to dinner on a proper formal date.

Plan a romantic day out somewhere, out where you can walk and talk a lot;
the national art gallery or musems or the Japanse gardens in Kildare.

Then a stay at home date, cooking for her and curled up watching a movie
on a sunday afternoon.

Let her see you in a differnt light.

ehhh WRONG..if shes anyway hot she will think hes a loser if he does that..he would only get a yes out of sympothy if he did this and wouldnt have a chance after that...

WhiteWashMan · 01-09-2005 10:09am

DAEDULUS wrote:

ehhh WRONG..if shes anyway hot she will think hes a loser if he does that..he would only get a yes out of sympothy if he did this and wouldnt have a chance after that...

but if she is fat and ugly, then she will go out with him because she wants to?

im not getting the logic here

roberteboot · 01-09-2005 10:14am

DAEDULUS wrote:

ehhh WRONG..if shes anyway hot she will think hes a loser if he does that..he would only get a yes out of sympothy if he did this and wouldnt have a chance after that...

You havent got a clue mate.

roberteboot · 01-09-2005 10:16am

WhiteWashMan wrote:

if you want to ask her a direct question to ask her out, i have always found the 'i'd like to be your boyfriend, will you go out with me' to be the best direct question you can ask.

Id probably leave out the "i want to be your boyfriend" bit.Im pretty sure anyone over the age of fifteen goes out on a few dates before going that far.But hes right about asking her directly.If she says no then its no big deal.Either way she'll be flattered.

BizzyC · 01-09-2005 10:22am

Yeah, I'd leave out any mention of the word boyfriend for now.

I'd give it more of a, "I really like you, and I think things could work out really well between us if we went out once or twice." approach.

dramaqueen · 01-09-2005 10:25am

Personally if you asked me out that way I would probably think you were only messing. Especially if you are as big a flirt as you say you are.
I reckon you have two choices here...

1) Be a man and just ask her. Plain and simple.
"Hey, I like you and I think we could have fun together. Wanna see what happens and go on a date?" (Don't ask her if you can be her boyfriend)

2) Take her at her word and move on.

Just bear in mind that if she does get what you are suggesting, she might be very casually trying to give you a hint.
If that's the case, you may loose her completely. This is a risk you have to decide that you want to take.
There is nothing more embarrassing than trying to tell someone something when they don't want to hear it.
But then again, she may not want to even try if she thinks you are this huge flirt and she will get hurt.
Try to show her that there is more to you.
If you have been a sh*t to girls in the past and she knows about it, she won't touch you, no matter how much fun you may be.

WhiteWashMan · 01-09-2005 10:26am

roberteboot wrote:

Id probably leave out the "i want to be your boyfriend" bit.Im pretty sure anyone over the age of fifteen goes out on a few dates before going that far.But hes right about asking her directly.If she says no then its no big deal.Either way she'll be flattered.

ok mr pedant.
it was just an example of a direct statement asking about going out.

i wasnt putting words into the OP's mouth. im sure he is old enough to make up his own words.

honestly, sometimes youd swear this is the 'please write me a script forum'...

roberteboot · 01-09-2005 10:45am

WhiteWashMan wrote:

ok mr pedant.
it was just an example of a direct statement asking about going out.

i wasnt putting words into the OP's mouth. im sure he is old enough to make up his own words.

honestly, sometimes youd swear this is the 'please write me a script forum'...

Well i have to admit it is a great example of how to make a girl think your an oddball.It was advice.And it wasnt the best advice in the world.I just thought it might be an idea to point the boyfriend thing out to the OP in case he DID take it word for word.Then you would have ruined his life.And he would kill you.Or cry.Anyway no harm done.

dudara · 01-09-2005 10:56am

You're not asking her in a serious fashion. You're trying to keep it light-hearted and she's responding to that.

If you want to ask her out, do it properly, no jokes. Say "I like you, really like you, will you go out with me?" Just stop the flirting and messing for once

bragan · 01-09-2005 12:10pm

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

1)Would you interpret "you're always complaining that there arent any good men out there, am I your type" as a direct enough way to ask someone out

From a girls point of view, i wouldn't see that asdirect enough. As other people pointed out, if she does like you, and you say something like that, then she would be weary of saying anything in case you don't like her, and then she would feel akward.
Ask her out more directly, and see what happens. If you get on that well, then its worth a shot.

Stabshauptmann · 01-09-2005 2:55pm

The general concensus is that, yet again, I wasnt direct enough. I dont know aobut flowers, chocolate and "I wanna father your offspring"

but Ill phrase it in such a way as there can be no ambiguity.

DAEDULUS · 02-09-2005 5:30am

meh,tried to add some mroe to that post right after i made it but when i tried to edit i fooked up on me...loadin pages here in shanghai is pretty ****e.

anyway-

I was gonna add:
I think you messed things up totally when you asked her did she like you because (a) if she was attracted to you she wuold have showed u through body language and since you had to ask her...means to her to you cant pickup on easy signs (b) she knows she could have you whenever she wants now,and thats not a challenge....

Stabshauptmann · 03-09-2005 12:54am

If one person is sending out signals wouldnt the other person eventually have to ask them out? Isnt that picking up the signs? And thats assuming shes not shy.

As for the challenge being lost, I was just thinking myself after the last time I talked to her that she might be playing hard to get.

I'll tell you how it pans out, I *should* run into her tomorrow, Ill let you know sunday what she says and you can make your own analysis

angeldelight · 03-09-2005 12:34pm

DAEDULUS wrote:

she knows she could have you whenever she wants now,and thats not a challenge....

I don't know what age you are but that seems a bit immature. I would prefer to know where I stood than have the whole "does he like me/doesn't he" thing! If a guy plays games with me, pretending not to be interested one minute, interested the next and then back to disinterested I couldn't really be bothered with him tbh, regardless of how much I'd liked him previously.

DAEDULUS · 04-09-2005 6:59am

my advice applies to girls,average and above only angeldelight...sorry if you cant comprehend,i dont expect you to though

ps. the day i see a boardsie bird thats above average i will stop generalizing that they are all hideous,even though it seems pretty justified :P

Stabshauptmann · 04-09-2005 5:16pm

but all us boardsiw men are rougedly handsome, or are you even on of "us"?

WhiteWashMan · 04-09-2005 5:21pm

DAEDULUS wrote:

my advice applies to girls,average and above only angeldelight...sorry if you cant comprehend,i dont expect you to though

ps. the day i see a boardsie bird thats above average i will stop generalizing that they are all hideous,even though it seems pretty justified :P

well youre certainly entitled to that opinion, but since they are based on no evidence what so ever, i think its probably just the lack of maturity shioning through.

it would appear to me that you dont have much expeirence in a relationship, and you certainly have yet to find out what wonderful mysteries are hidden onthe other side of your monitor.

but feel free to continue being an angsty know it all. after all, 16 year old are allowed to post here as well.

id be surprised if the OP took your advice to heart, but would see it as 'things not to take on board' myself.

DAEDULUS · 06-09-2005 1:09pm

id be supprised if anyone took ANY sort of advice from this

im a know it all? i post once every few days when im sure im right,even then,i dont bother most of the time..you on the other hand have a reply in pretty much ever topic on this board,all with retarded 'shoot yourself' type answers.

dramaqueen · 06-09-2005 1:15pm

Seriously, how old are you?

angeldelight · 06-09-2005 1:41pm

DAEDULUS wrote:

id be supprised if anyone took ANY sort of advice from this

Just in case I'm missing something...... you're genuinely honestly saying that the credibility/accuracy of a person's advice depends on how they look?? :rolleyes:

Beruthiel · 06-09-2005 1:54pm

DAEDULUS wrote:

id be supprised if anyone took ANY sort of advice from this.

Daedulus
I suggest you read this forums charter
if you have nothing helpful to say to the OP then refrain from commenting at all
another off topic comment from you will result in a ban
B

Talliesin · 06-09-2005 1:57pm

Presumably he's saying that WWM is so attractive that he would initiate romantic liasons with great ease, and therefore does not have the experience from which he could advise another on doing so.

Stabshauptmann · 06-09-2005 3:08pm

damn WWM and his devilishly good looks...

Tar.Aldarion · 06-09-2005 3:28pm

if you really want some truth,getting her tipsy is actually quite an easy means but as she is your friend,in my experience,she can think you are hot and that you are pertfectly her type etc but romantic feelings won't ever cross her mind(welcome to the friendzone *eerie music*...quite unlike us men,y'arr etcetera.

Stabshauptmann · 06-09-2005 5:15pm

oh yeah, sorry forgot the update. Definite friends ladder here; totall intelectual whorage.

But at least I know now, for some strange reason she doesnt find this awkward but in fact shes trying to see more of me. Shes nice, what can I say

Still, glad I asked

DAEDULUS · 08-09-2005 1:18am

hmm,i bet you are happy you didnt buy her those flowers now and end up lookin like a knob just so maybe she would 'see you in a different light' or just accept what i told you when i said it was a dead end...... guess i have no idea what im talking about though.....

Ann Elk · 08-09-2005 1:36am

In the words of Rich Hall/Otis Lee Crenshaw;

"You can tell the girl you love her face to face,
or you can do it with a phone call that can't be traced.
She called it stalking,
I called it selective walking."

Stabshauptmann · 08-09-2005 3:58pm

DAEDULUS wrote:

hmm,i bet you are happy you didnt buy her those flowers now and end up lookin like a knob just so maybe she would 'see you in a different light' or just accept what i told you when i said it was a dead end...... guess i have no idea what im talking about though.....

My OP was whether or not I was direct enough, it turns out I wasnt. I was direct afterwards and am happier now after getting a direct answer than I was when I mae the OP. If I had took your advice that it was a dead end Id prob still be second guessing myself. My advice to anyone who ever finds them self in a similar situation: its better to know and none of this what ifs business

DAEDULUS · 10-09-2005 7:44am

well..what i told you was that it was a dead end(she didnt like you,no hope)..therefore if you actually truely took my advice you wouldnt have been second guessing..i think you knew your chances were messed up but were 'second guessing' because you didnt want to believe that you ruined it ...

Thin line between romantic and stalking?

Comments