Fart Funnies

Kweiggie

Don't Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her
eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them
off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one
Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the
bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard,
liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she
pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied
the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs
in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Kweiggie

Can you raed this?

Olny srmat poelpe can.cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas
tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed this psas it on !!

Posted this cause I can't spell

chillywilly

^^yeah i came across something like that before.....its pretty weird, but cool!

Gonzolas

That first one is disgusting. Can't make out the second one at all.

chillywilly

only smart people can......hehe

Kweiggie

Roflmao :d

Kweiggie

There were three nuns in a desert. All three were dying of starvation and thirst. After a couple of days of walking they came to a castle in the middle of nowhere. Too their dismay there was no food or running water in the castle, all that was there was a bag of flour. The head nun said "I know what we will have to do, because we have no running water we will have to try and pee on the flour so we can make some bread and survive". She asked one of the nuns to try first. She squatted over the flour and tried to pee, but after half an our she gave up. The head nun screamed " What a waste of space you are, we cud die because of you!!", so she asked upon the other nun to try. The nun squatted over the flour and tried her hardest but after forty five minutes she gave up without any success. The head nun screamed once again, "Both of you are useless, I will have to try myself!". So she squatted over the flour and tried her very hardest to push out a pee. She tried so hard that at the end she farted, and blew all of the flour away, and all the nuns pissed them selves laughin.
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A women goes to the doctor complaining of her constant flatulance. She says, "Doctor, I must fart 500 times a day, BUT you would never know it, because they're SILENT and the don't STINK!. For instance, I've just passed gas at least 20 times just sitting here with you right now!".

The Doctor just nods and gives her a prescription. He tells her to come back in 2 weeks.

2 weeks later she enters his office and says "Those pills made my farting worse! I'm still breaking wind 500 times day, but now they SMELL REALLY BAD!.

Doc replies: Well, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we can work on your hearing!
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There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.

So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, "Big chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart." The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 10,000 cans of beans and says, "If this doesn't work then nothing will."

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, "Well, did it work?"

The messenger boy says, "Big fart, no chief!"