opinions please

ziggy sawdust

I found this a couple of days ago when i was rooting through various old scribbles that i'd pretty much long since forgotten.

I read through it quickly and the context came straight back to me. It was written soon after my girlfriend of the time lost her grandad to long battle with cancer. I remeber the stupid awkwardness of being around someone who has just suffered such a loss and my own sheer inability to help in any meaningful way whatsoever.

When I read this piece of writing the other night (having pretty much forgotten all about it) i was impressed by its simplicity and emotional strength so I thought I'd post it here and ask you for your opinions - what I want to know is whether this piece of writing stands on its own two legs - or do i find it emotionally strong simply because it brings back my own memories?

have a read and tell me what you think (even if you just want to say: good, bad, indifferent, rubbish, whatever, let me know!)

read it slowly and out loud and then read it again just as slowly!!

ZS



Losing

In that north-facing kitchen,
When sheets of misty rain
Trampled across the grey horizon,

You stood, pale as the early dawn,
Your hand trembling slightly on the table-edge,
Refusing to believe his simple words.

And me, in foolish comfort - 'Its probably for the best.'
My voice, crackling like a scratched old 78,
Tore a gaping hole in the silence it replaced.

Your look, slow and sorrow-wise, as if to say,
'It'll happen to you someday',
Made me the unwanted stranger at an ancient wake.

Earthhorse

Yes I think it stands on its own. Wouldn't be the sort of poetry I'd normally go for but it works.

jimmidy_cricket

I agree with earthorse, it wouldn't be my bag baby but it definately stood alone I especially liked this line though:

ziggy sawdust wrote:

.
Tore a gaping hole in the silence it replaced.

so even though its not my cup a tea I still liked it, know wha I mean?

Earthhorse

To further cement the agreement let me say that that was the line that struck me most as well.

LadyJ

I loved it.

c - 13

good stuff, liked it.

I thought the last line especially powerful.

Sugarbear

I really like this. The words you've used are simple, yet powerful in the way you've placed them. Good work.

McFiddler

I can understand why some people might not go for this poem as it is very dark and morbid but I really enjoyed it. I always find it hard to use imagery effectively in my writing but I think it comes naturally to you. As I was reading I could clearly imagine the grey kitchen and the awkward atmosphere. Good stuff, looking foward to more so keep posting..

ziggy sawdust

McFiddler, I respect your opinion - I'll keep posting as long as you keep reading!!

earthorse and Jimidy cricket - interestingly, you've picked on the line that i remember was the hardest to get right - you can see the amount of scribbles on the original handwritten page that shows it took alot of attempts before I was happy with that line - just shows though that the effort was worth it. The tricky thing with a line speaks of 'tearing a gaping hole' is to make it sit comfortably within the silence and the solitude of the rest of the imagery and not suddenly appear too over-the-top-dramatic and brash and out of context.

There's nothing worse than delving into melodrama when attempting to evoke true sadness - in fact have you ever noticed that there can be something almost approaching a nostalgic sense of sweetness about past sorrows? Strange that.

As for you Lady J - that's the kind of comment I like!!!

OK - I'm off to the Chinese - I'm starved.

McFiddler

Op: One question: What do you mean by 'an ancient wake'?

ziggy sawdust

much more to do with the sound than the meaning - look at the way the word 'ancient' rhymes really nicely with 'stranger' in the same line and fits with the long 'a' sound in wake.

And I've always liked the word 'ancient' - a long 'a' combined with a 'shh' sound always seem to work well togther - ancient, station, creation, patience, all words to die for.

In terms of meaning, there's not much i can say here: the whole concept of a wake is quite an old-fashioned concept - belongs to a bygone age - and for some reason this poem (especially the opening lines) seems to fit into an era slightly removed from the present - and thus......(ok tenuous I know but hey!)

Shad0r

I've nothing to say that hasnt already been said. Great stuff.

humbleCounty

brilliant.

really liked it, again, anything like this can get too overly emotional through hyperbole and that just turns it into hallmark, this was good, simple direct, and quiet moving.

My voice, crackling like a scratched old 78,

...sweet! Really good.

ziggy sawdust

thanks hc - glad you like this little poem

ZS

Gross Halfwit

Very nice stuff Ziggy. Enjoyed it thouroughly.