strange friend

LegacyUser

Ive known my friend for over a year now, and hes always been very honest and caring toward me, but in the past 3-4 months hes been acting very strange. He suddenly gets moody and changes the conversation a very flirty and sexual one.

Its beginning to scare me, Ive tried explaining to him that Im in a happy and loving relationship, but he just wont stop. Every time I get serious about the things hes saying he pretends hes joking and gets even more moody with me. He has even started to joke about us being married and having loads of kids, and again, when I get serious and tell him Im uncomfortable with those kind of jokes, he goes off on a moody bender and claims he was joking. Its getting really frustrating because I really care for him and I just want to know where I stand with him.

I mentioned his behaviour to my boyfriend when it first started happening, and I got a really bad reaction, but I was just desperate for advice, and now I'm afraid if I tell him about THIS, that he’ll totally freak out. Please, any advice would help.

LegacyUser

The guy is obsessed with you. Do yourself and him a favour and sever the friendship now.

This may sound completely harsh but however these kind of situations will be nastier the longer you leave it.

bp

firstly, mention it to him next time you see him before he starts getting weird (so he cannot say that he was joking), just say fair enough, but i dont feel comfortable with the jokes and if he doesnt stop then p*ss off! you bf is more important than someone who makes you feel uncomfortable

Rhyme

Explain that you find his demenour uncomfortable, make sure he gets the message. If he persists then do something about it.

Beruthiel

he's not your friend
he's a bloke who wants to go out with you but can't actually make you do so, he's waiting around in the hopes you'll "see the light"
stop seeing him, you are doing him no favours by keeping in contact as it just makes him think there's a chance

[dumb & dumber] so, do I have a chance?
one in a million
so I have a chance then![/dumb & dumber}

Norinoco

Im in almost the same situation as you, but possible further down the line.

I have known him since college and he was really nice and down to earth

Then in the last 7-8 months, it started to get weird.

He too started the same with odd sexual comments, and i asked him to stop, it made me feel really uncomfortable.
I too have a boyfriend, who he is friends with.

He then started trying to kiss me on nights out, when my boyfriend was at the bar. I was very insistant with him that this was not an option, ever.

He is now convinced that I hate him, and I get weird texts in the middle of the night about how we can be good together, but how he understands why i hate him!!!

I feel really uncomfortable being in the same room as him now.

My advise is try and nip this in the bud early and avoid him like the plague.
It will never go back to the friendship you once had, he will always have feelings for you and think he has a chance of something further with you.

jcoote

sounds like he has intamicy issues...its like yis were mates and gettin on well but then yis had a big chat and he let u into his mind and now he wants to get closer and closer to u because he feels comfortable with u...i was that guy at one stage and all i'll say is he's not good for u gt him out of your life even if it means having a fight with him...no matter what u say he's not gonna stop imo!!

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for all the support, Ive taken your advice on board, and im going to get very serious in telling him that he has no chance with me. if this fails, im going to make sure to break off my friendship with him, i dont want to fall into anything like Norinoco has. By the way Norinoco thanks for sharing your sitution with us, its given me a real reality-check on what could happen if i dont toughen up on him. thanks again everyone

JohnCleary

OK this might seem strange, but chances are this guy is totally in love and obsessed with you. I know this isint advise, but this is probably the truth. Its up to you how you deal with it

Gilgamesh

imho I think that it is close to impossible for a hetero sexual guy to have a girl as a best friend.
IT just doesn't work, going alone by the fact, that a guy normally has sex on his mind, for about 90% of the conversation.
I have a VERY good friend who's femal, and to be honest, I have had some extremely hard patches with her, just from the side that my second brain took over sometimes, and I really had to control myself not to make a move.
this has happened rarely, but it proves that it cannot be something that nature had planned. Btw, I am still excellent friends with her, and we have helped each other through many very bad times.

OP, have a serious talk with this guy, either let him know your boundaries towards him and if he steps over them, throw him in the bin, and get other friends, and make sure he follows through with the boundaries and doesn't fall back on them slowly.

Good Luck

Gilga

JohnCleary

As Gila said above, I am talking from experience. Not in a freaky way or anything. I used to be (still am actually) best friends with a female, but TBH I fancied the arse off her. We used to always joke about marrage (we were 17-18 at the time totally messing) but it stopped as we began to mature a bit.

I never went over the line, never tried to make a pass on her cause it would mess things up. We are best of friends and I like it that way. We are both in happy relationships. I'm sure deep down she knows I fancy her, and so does her family because a hetrosexual guy is not 'just gonna' be best friends with a girl without the thought of r1ding her being on his mind

mountainyman

I would say break the friendship, a year isn't that long so what is the big deal.

On the other hand if you don't want to break the friendship ask yourself why. Perhaps you should go out with the 'friend'. If you can't discuss this issue with your boyfriend dump him.

As for the people who say that a straight guy can't have a female best friend, don't be ridiculous; what if you don't fancy her?

lazylad

rollerpen wrote:

Ive known my friend for over a year now, and hes always been very honest and caring toward me, but in the past 3-4 months hes been acting very strange. He suddenly gets moody and changes the conversation a very flirty and sexual one.

Its beginning to scare me, Ive tried explaining to him that Im in a happy and loving relationship, but he just wont stop. Every time I get serious about the things hes saying he pretends hes joking and gets even more moody with me. He has even started to joke about us being married and having loads of kids, and again, when I get serious and tell him Im uncomfortable with those kind of jokes, he goes off on a moody bender and claims he was joking. Its getting really frustrating because I really care for him and I just want to know where I stand with him.

I mentioned his behaviour to my boyfriend when it first started happening, and I got a really bad reaction, but I was just desperate for advice, and now I'm afraid if I tell him about THIS, that he’ll totally freak out. Please, any advice would help.

Sur if you're not bothered with him in a sexual way, tell him. If the friendship is strained forget it. Why make a song and dance about it

Love

Gilgamesh wrote:

imho I think that it is close to impossible for a hetero sexual guy to have a girl as a best friend.

That's not true. Some of my best friends are heterosexual guys and I know they're not interested in me at all.

Mr.Nice Guy

rollerpen wrote:

Ive known my friend for over a year now, and hes always been very honest and caring toward me, but in the past 3-4 months hes been acting very strange. He suddenly gets moody and changes the conversation a very flirty and sexual one.

Its beginning to scare me, Ive tried explaining to him that Im in a happy and loving relationship, but he just wont stop. Every time I get serious about the things hes saying he pretends hes joking and gets even more moody with me. He has even started to joke about us being married and having loads of kids, and again, when I get serious and tell him Im uncomfortable with those kind of jokes, he goes off on a moody bender and claims he was joking. Its getting really frustrating because I really care for him and I just want to know where I stand with him.

Your friend is trying the 'cocky & funny' technique on you which is pretty dumb considering he's in the friend zone. There's a different approach to be had if you're interested in a friend. Anyway, I digress. What you need to do is explain to him in a frank and forthright manner that you're are fed up with his 'jokes' (cough) and innuendo and that if he persists in this kind of attitude, you can no longer be friends.

rollerpen wrote:

I mentioned his behaviour to my boyfriend when it first started happening, and I got a really bad reaction, but I was just desperate for advice, and now I'm afraid if I tell him about THIS, that he’ll totally freak out. Please, any advice would help.

Telling your bf will p*ss him off and potentially bring an end to your friendship with this guy, or perhaps your relationship.

I would advise you to inform your friend to lay off the flirty stuff and if he persists, ditch him.

Gilgamesh wrote:

imho I think that it is close to impossible for a hetero sexual guy to have a girl as a best friend.
IT just doesn't work, going alone by the fact, that a guy normally has sex on his mind, for about 90% of the conversation.

I would agree with that but I believe women think about sex just as much as men do.

Cake Fiend

Love wrote:

That's not true. Some of my best friends are heterosexual guys and I know they're not interested in me at all.

That's what you think.

Here's a test to try, courtesy of www.laddertheory.com :

Many women want to argue this point and say things like " I have lots of guy friends." Maybe. There are exactly 3 cases Intellectual Whores has identified whereby a guy and a girl can be friends:

1. The guy is gay
2. The guy does not find you attractive
3. The guy already has a woman much higher than you on the ladder

Even Nietzsche knew this. Most guys know this intuitively. Most girls doubt. I have a challenge for all of you girls who still doubt. Pick a guy who does not meet any of the criterion on the above list that you think is your friend. Then ask yourself this question: If you were both alone at his place one night, and you excused yourself to the bathroom and came out naked and asked him to have sex with you would he:

1. Tell you he doesn't want to risk the beautiful friendship you have created with messy physical entanglements.

2. Comply.

Remember
...this only works if you are honest with yourself. Number one is of course something that guys hear all the time. Intellectual Whores refers to it as the Kiss of Death. It is more likely that he will jump you eagerly.

dudara

Don't bring your boyfriend too deeply into this problem, because some men can be very very jealous and not take such news well at all. I know, I have one of them.

The nex thing to do is to very clearly state that there is no chance at all. Don't give him any leeway. In reality, I think that you'll have to break off the friendship if he doesn't cop himself on. He's not really being a friend by putting you under such pressure.

lazylad

rollerpen wrote:

Ive known my friend for over a year now, and hes always been very honest and caring toward me, but in the past 3-4 months hes been acting very strange. He suddenly gets moody and changes the conversation a very flirty and sexual one.

Its beginning to scare me, Ive tried explaining to him that Im in a happy and loving relationship, but he just wont stop. Every time I get serious about the things hes saying he pretends hes joking and gets even more moody with me. He has even started to joke about us being married and having loads of kids, and again, when I get serious and tell him Im uncomfortable with those kind of jokes, he goes off on a moody bender and claims he was joking. Its getting really frustrating because I really care for him and I just want to know where I stand with him.

I mentioned his behaviour to my boyfriend when it first started happening, and I got a really bad reaction, but I was just desperate for advice, and now I'm afraid if I tell him about THIS, that he’ll totally freak out. Please, any advice would help.

He might have a mood disorder that he doesnt know about. Ask him to check his diet and gp instead of complaining about him! Our moods and emotions are controlled by chemicals(correct me if wrong). So ask him to consider looking at his health

Mr.Nice Guy

lazylad wrote:

He might have a mood disorder that he doesnt know about. Ask him to check his diet and gp instead of complaining about him! Our moods and emotions are controlled by chemicals(correct me if wrong). So ask him to consider looking at his health

Sounds to me like the only chemical influencing him is testosterone.

_Turismo4

bp wrote:

firstly, mention it to him next time you see him before he starts getting weird (so he cannot say that he was joking), just say fair enough, but i dont feel comfortable with the jokes and if he doesnt stop then p*ss off! you bf is more important than someone who makes you feel uncomfortable

Sounds the thing to do!

yossarin

Sounds like he's mad about you.
let him know in no uncertian terms that you will not be friends any longer if he keeps it up. thats should shock him out of it.

be kind if you can, but be firm first. You're not doing him any favours if theres no chance of anything ever happening with him.