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The Nature of Desire

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  • 24-08-2005 5:11pm
    #1
    McFiddler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭


    Not sure if this is good. It was completed quickly and not revised. All thought and criticism welcome.


    The Nature of Desire

    It's her common manner unintended,
    And innocence behind a subtle smile,
    And fluid dance about the fire
    With glowing embers swirling higher.

    It's fire to me like flame to a moth.
    But darkness drags in a sense of loss,
    Of something rare not to be attained
    For to own would be to only spoil,

    And darkness it seems is often loyal.


Comments

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    #2
    DawnMc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 539 ✭✭✭DawnMc


    I like it


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    #3
    Le Rack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,846 ✭✭✭Le Rack


    love the last line


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    #4
    BEAT
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 5,945 ✭✭✭BEAT


    good flow, nice imagery.
    Id have made it longer, nice job though.


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    #5
    McFiddler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭McFiddler


    Just to let you know the third line is supposed to read 'And fluid dance around the fire'.


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    #6
    Shad0r
    Registered Users Posts: 1,166 ✭✭✭Shad0r


    McFiddler wrote:
    Just to let you know the third line is supposed to read 'And fluid dance around the fire'.

    You can edit your posts you know!

    I liked the poem, although I got the impression that what you wanted to say (meaning) was somewhat sacrificed for flow and rhyming.


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    #7
    McFiddler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭McFiddler


    Shad0r wrote:
    You can edit your posts you know!

    I liked the poem, although I got the impression that what you wanted to say (meaning) was somewhat sacrificed for flow and rhyming.

    Thanks for your opinion Shad0R. Would you mind elaborating though? What meaning, if any, do you get from reading the poem? In other words, what do you think it is I'm trying to communicate?
    When I re-read it I still think the intended meaning is intact but that might be due to the fact that I wrote it.

    P.S Correct me if I'm wrong but I think you can only edit post within the first few days. I was too late :mad:


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    #8
    doonothing
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,745 ✭✭✭doonothing


    i liked that a lot. the flow of the second last line seemed a bit jumpy, compared to the rest of the poem.

    i know its not a major change, but i would have it
    "For to own would only be to spoil"

    or is that just me?


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    #9
    McFiddler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭McFiddler


    doonothing wrote:
    i liked that a lot. the flow of the second last line seemed a bit jumpy, compared to the rest of the poem.

    i know its not a major change, but i would have it
    "For to own would only be to spoil"

    or is that just me?

    I agree, that sound much better. Cheers doonothing


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