family guy classic

PlayaFlow

Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!

Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.

Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.

MrJoeSoap

Personal favourites:

Peter: I read a book on this before.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasnt, nothing?

Auctioneer: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.

Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Girl: I can't take a credit card sir. I need real money.
Peter: Oh yeah? Watcha sellin'? Meth, ex, crack, dust, coke, block, crystal????? IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD? I DONT THINK SO!!!!
(He breaks lemonade stand.)

Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

Squirrel

MrJoeSoap wrote:

Personal favourites:



Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Peter: OK, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

Brilliant, some of my own:

Brian (to valet parker): I told a blond in there I've a 500SL, think you can help me out

(When Peter imagines Brian after being neutered)
Brian: I love chocolate, but I can't have it, 'cos it makes me fat

Daniel_109

My Favs.

Quagmire: My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did giggittygiggiydoo that girl. I gashmogied her gaflabity with my googus. And I am sorry.

Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

OLP

one of my favs

Peters devil: it's okay to lie to them, they're not people like us

crazy_dude6662

(telephone rings)
LOIS: eh hello?
PETER: yeah lois i cant take out the garbage because im at the office and there makin me stay late.
LOIS: peter the caller id says your calling from the kitchen, in fact i can see you.
(peter eating a chicken leg moves out of sight)
PETER: can ya see me now?
LOIS:no
PETER: okay then now im at the office

MrJoeSoap

"Ah! Ah! Griffin once again! Ah! Ah! Undefeated champion of the world! Ah!"

- Taken from the "movie". Definitely THE funniest Family Guy moment ever, in my opinion.

GrumPy

"african american, hail a cab" wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man

muckwarrior

/Quagmire gets his knob caught in a window -
"Hello, 911?"
"It's Quagmire"
"Yeah, in a window this time"

BrokenArrows

Irish GrumPy wrote:

"african american, hail a cab" wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man

Did you just say wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man, i just saw a wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man in the wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man store on wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man street. So i just went out and got a wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man and ill tell you the wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man is the best thing ive ever got.

wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man
wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man
wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube manwacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube manwacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube manwacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man
wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man
wacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube manwacky wailing inflatable arm flaling tube man

Not a quote i just thought it would be funny.

MrJoeSoap

Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and C.E.O of Al Harringtons 'Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man' emporium and warehouse.

Thanks to a shipping error, I am now overstocked on wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men, and I am passing the savings on to youuuuuuuuuuuuuu..........

kaimera

I heard that he doesn't just eat you, he devours you!
I heard that when he eats you, he eats your soul!
I heard that one of Shannon Doherty's eyes is off centre cos it's trying to escape!

Eoin

(Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois: "Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that."
Stewie: "Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch."

[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Peter: (Grabs the microphone at a fast food restaurant) Attention restaurant customers: Testicles. That is all.

Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris' room.) Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris' bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah...now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs...running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It's Chris!! Uhh...Uhh...So, uhh...How ya doin'? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin'. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Peter: So uhh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? Bet you're gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat.
Mr. Pewterschmidt: Are you calling me gay?
Peter: No. No. I just; I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck.

Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

(Joe falls out of his chair and is about to fall farther into the sewer when Lois catches him.)
Lois: I can't hold on much longer!
Joe: Lois, pretend I'm one of your children!
(Joe starts to slip)
Joe: Not Meg!
(Lois pulls Joe to safety)

Peter: [writing letter] Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.

mad m

Ah this thread is cracking me up,brilliant lads.Hey anyone see the episode were William Shatner was in it...Classic.