Greedy Hands

randomhuman

Sky blackened,
People choked,
Forests burned,
Blood soaked
Hands building
New empires,
Never leaving,
Teens buying
Empty dreams,
Cultures dying,
But products gleam.
Profits up,
But not enough.
Greedy hands,
Midas touch.

Le Rack

great rhythm in there, and the subject matter is totally apt to itself

ExOffender

I like the first half. The second half feels a bit contrived. No offence. It does have great rhythm. Good stuff.

randomhuman

ExOffender wrote:

I like the first half. The second half feels a bit contrived. No offence. It does have great rhythm. Good stuff.

Thanks. Is it the longer lines that make it seem contrived, do you think?

randomhuman

Le Rack wrote:

great rhythm in there, and the subject matter is totally apt to itself

Thanks. Rhythm is what I was going for, so I'm glad I pulled it off. What do you mean by "apt to itself"?

Le Rack

From the words its clear what you are talking about but its not in your face obvious and in this the way in which the words progress, show the greed, hate, dishonesty, materialism, getting from factory floor to store shelf so to speak, and its all done in a very apt way. That is what you meant isn't it?

HusseinSarhan

"Apt to itself" really has no meaning. You could just say it was apt.

ExOffender

Nah more the content itself of the second half feels a bit 'pre-chewed' if you know what I mean.

randomhuman

Le Rack wrote:

From the words its clear what you are talking about but its not in your face obvious and in this the way in which the words progress, show the greed, hate, dishonesty, materialism, getting from factory floor to store shelf so to speak, and its all done in a very apt way. That is what you meant isn't it?

Actually, I never thought of it that way myself

Le Rack

whoops