Intrusive Parents

tolosenc

I'm 16 and used to enjoy a grand old preteen social life. But once I hit 13 my parents wouldn't leave me alone, seriously. Whenever I go out for the night it's "be back by 11" and when i get home its all, "Who were you with, Wat did you do". So i've started to not go out and have become much more solitary, I've put on 2 stone in the last year as a result. also in the last six months i've come home from school to find stuff in my room moved as if the room has been searched.

Kinetic^

obl wrote:

I'm 16 and used to enjoy a grand old preteen social life. But once I hit 13 my parents wouldn't leave me alone, seriously. Whenever I go out for the night it's "be back by 11" and when i get home its all, "Who were you with, Wat did you do". So i've started to not go out and have become much more solitary, I've put on 2 stone in the last year as a result. also in the last six months i've come home from school to find stuff in my room moved as if the room has been searched.

Thats all part of life at home i'm afraid.

Cabaal

Your under their roof, they give you money, they pay for your clothes,

Their entitlted to know how you are, what your upto to a certain degree...they just want to make sure you don#t get into trouble and/or you start smoking/drinking/doing drugs.

While its annoying as hell their just looking out for you in the long run.

Squirrel

obl wrote:

I'm 16 and used to enjoy a grand old preteen social life. But once I hit 13 my parents wouldn't leave me alone, seriously. Whenever I go out for the night it's "be back by 11" and when i get home its all, "Who were you with, Wat did you do". So i've started to not go out and have become much more solitary, I've put on 2 stone in the last year as a result. also in the last six months i've come home from school to find stuff in my room moved as if the room has been searched.

I'm the same age as you and have the same type of thing with the going out but can get around that by going out with my older brother (19), it's grand with him, we get on real well and in our club we train with the same group. If you have an older brother/sister see if you can do something with them once in a while and they might relax a bit on you once they know they can trust you fully.

About the room, if you're gonna hide something you don't want seen, be inventive. Also, do you keep a diary? If so, is there anything in it that you wouldn't want your parents to see? Move it constantly and lock it somehow, or, alternatively start writing about how intrusive they are and use the words "they don't trust me" and they could realise that they are.

Edit: About the putting on weight, take up a sport if you don't already do one, for your own sake if nothing else, also it can get you out of the house for a while

cornbb

Sounds a bit extreme. my parents used be the same (well not quite as bad by the sounds of it) but that all came to an end. When I headed off to college I was pretty much left to my own devices, which suits me fine . Can you stick it out for a year or 2 more?

ShreddedHumans

You need to get your own place - http://www.daft.ie/

amacachi

youre 16, youre gonna think your parents are worse than anyone else's.

angeldelight

My parents were a bit like that too, e.g. on a few occasions I knew they'd read my diary, I was only allowed out at weekends and had to be back by certain time. Totally my own fault though, I gave them a reason not to trust me. When I turned 18 though they really changed! They still text me when I'm out to see when I'm coming home but if I say late thats all they want to know.I know 2 years sounds like a long time but it honestly isn't!

For now why not asking them is there a particular reason they don't trust you? Would they compromise on the time you're allowed out til if you phoned/texted half way through the night to say you were ok? If they knew your friends better they mightn't feel as worried about you going out with them?

Kintarō Hattori

ShreddedHumans wrote:

You need to get your own place - http://www.daft.ie/

How do you propose he does that? He's just 16!

Crucifix

In reference to curfew times, you could try and point out that by coming home earlier than everyone else you have no one to walk home with, and so it would be safer if you went home at the same time as your friends.

Sleepy

I think Angel Delight has the right answer for you: let your parents get to know your friends a little. Have them over to watch DVD's or whatever. Once they see that your friends aren't all shooting up and are capable of behaving themselves they'll relax. My mother always said that it never bothered her that we had friends over all the time because the only friends she'd have to worry about would be the ones we'd be afraid to let her meet...

DawnMc

To be honest, at 16 it is natural for your parents to worry senseless about you. I would suggest sitting them down and talking honestly with them using 'I feel' statements. Try it, it's the most likely thing to work.
They are hearing horrific things about people your age and undoubtedly are worried for you.
I hope it works out

Le Rack

My parents are like that cept worse! My Da takes my phone if he ses it and goes through my phonebook and messages! I'm 17! Only four months left to 18 though and a year till college!
Letting them know your friends doesn't work, most if not al of my friends are up here every weekend and my ma knows them all. Only since my 17th have I been given any freedom, and at that, if I ask to "go out with the lads" I get the third degree on who what where and when, but if I say, that so and so is going I'm instanty let go, just cuz the chap is the son in law my ma will never have! She idolises the boy! And he's way worse than me but doesn't see it!

If they continue being really bad even when you stick to there rules, just totally disobey the rules get into a big fight and scream "I'm 16 not 6, I want some freedom, I'm not doing drugs...etc.etc.etc" and then give a speech on how its right as a human being to have your personal space and privacy. Its in the constitution of basic human rights.

angeldelight

Le Rack wrote:

If they continue being really bad even when you stick to there rules, just totally disobey the rules get into a big fight and scream "I'm 16 not 6, I want some freedom, I'm not doing drugs...etc.etc.etc" and then give a speech on how its right as a human being to have your personal space and privacy. Its in the constitution of basic human rights.

Tbh I wouldn't recommend doing that. Throwing a tantrum rarely works. Just enables them to say something along the lines of "If you can't even hold a conversation like an adult we're not going to treat you like one"

4Xcut

Maybe she is being ironic, you know being rediculusly childish to show how mature you are. They feed you, clothe you, give a place to stay rent free. i know how annoying it is and you count the days till you can move out but you neglect to notice bills, bills and more bills.

secret_squirrel

Sit down and explain calmly and reasonably why they need to treat you with more trust and respect. Explain that their paranoia is affecting your weight and personality. Ask them if they have been moving stuff in your room.

If you prove you can sit down and discuss this issue like an adult then they might start treating you like one. Personally I dont think a 11pm curfew at 16 is that bad. The room searches (if they are doing it) are OTT imo.

cordelia

I'll have to break it down into several parts because they seem like different issues:

1) Regarding the 11pm curfew: for a 16 year old this is not unreasonable. Like it or not, you are still underage. My father always had a point which I could never argue with: exactly what is going on that's so important that you need to be out past 1130 (my curfew) to do it? And exactly what kind of people are so important that you need to meet them after that time?
Frankly, he had me there. Play the game and assume that, as you show responsibility and respect for their limits, you are gradually earning points which can later be redeemed towards a later curfew or exceptions depending on the situation. It's hard at 16, but try to consider it from your parents point of view ( :eek: ). It's the age long battle we've ALL had to fight.

2) Regarding the room searches: that is over the top, paticularly if you've don'e nothing to warrent their paranoia (drug problems, stealing, etc.). Sounds like you need to talk with them evenly and maturely about it and ask why they are doing it. You may even have to accept that it's going to happen (not right, ofcourse, but some parents really are not going to stop) and make a point of securing your secrets.

3) Finally, the weight gain and solitary lifestyle go hand in hand. Start getting out for walks, watch what kinds of foods you are eating, get some form of exercising. These are also great ways of meeting new people. Don't stop going out just because you have to be home by 11pm. That's not a good plan.

Having your friends over to your house really will help relax your parents. They need and want to see the people you're associating with away from them. It may even help to find out that these friends they like are getting to stay out longer that you.

Instead of feeling defeated, try to work with the situation as it exists for a while, then trying to change it through example and experience. It's hard to be patient when you're 16, but really, what's your other option?

Le Rack

angeldelight wrote:

Tbh I wouldn't recommend doing that. Throwing a tantrum rarely works. Just enables them to say something along the lines of "If you can't even hold a conversation like an adult we're not going to treat you like one"

That's the only way I've got anywhere with my parents, and I don't mean to just outright do a terrible two's on it. I tried the talking thing, and the reasoning and the "but everyone else is allowed. What makes me so different?" and after many a debate it broke ito argument, and I have a short fuse with my parents as it is. I never fight with my friends but the only way to get through to my parents is to constantly drill it into their heads that I'm not a five year old that need constant looking after. My da still searches my room! And reads anything he can get his hands on!

Chucky the tree

just think of the sweet revenge you will get when your older and you get to stick them in a home.

Le Rack

Chucky the tree wrote:

just think of the sweet revenge you will get when your older and you get to stick them in a home.

I always say that to them "Be kind to your kids. They choose your retirement home!"

dragona

Right oh, listen to a parents point of view..........

BANG out of order to search your room,and I would let them know taht it is not appreciated (nicely) but not unreasonable to know where you are , what you are doing, who you are with, what time you will be back,TELLING you what time you WILL be home, what you've had to eat etc etc.

Tough and annoying but there it is - they are your parents and have to, need to know.

Sorry, but if you think your life is **** take my word for it a parents life is ****tier - constant WORRY.

Yours might be godawful to you but rest assured they are only thinking of you.
Do NOT have a tantrum - they will think you have lost it.

Explain nicely, and never say *I'ts not fair*, very very irritating.

An 11pm home time is absolutely NOT UNREASONABLE by any stretch of the imagination - do not complain or else you may not be allowed out at all.

If you say you have put on two stone because you are not going out anymore as you have to be home by 11, well that is just ridiculous.Go out, have fun, be back by 11pm. Not hard really!

I have two boys of 15 and nearly (but not quite ) 18, and they do as they are TOLD!!!!! Jokes aside, they must tell me where they are at all times, and give me all the information I need.They probably hate my guts a great deal of the time, but that's too bad, I'm the mum and that is the way it is.

You are not alone in having these problems - parents are UNIVERSAL and we are all the same...........

Shrimp

just chillax man, you'll be looking back on this in a few years going.. that was the life. like it could be so much worse?

up for anything

obl wrote:

I'm 16 and used to enjoy a grand old preteen social life. But once I hit 13 my parents wouldn't leave me alone, seriously. Whenever I go out for the night it's "be back by 11" and when i get home its all, "Who were you with, Wat did you do". So i've started to not go out and have become much more solitary, I've put on 2 stone in the last year as a result. also in the last six months i've come home from school to find stuff in my room moved as if the room has been searched.

Curfew times and asking who are you going with, where are you going, how are you getting there, what'll you be doing, how are you getting home, why will it be so late, are what good parents who care about you do. I used to resent what I used to call the "who, what, where, when" gestapo when I was your age but I'm gearing up to do the same for my children in a couple of years time.

Putting on weight is your fault, not theirs. What sort of exercise are you going to get after 11.00pm. Not much, is the answer to that I think.

As to room searches. Are you sure it's not just general tidying and putting away of clothes that have been washed and ironed for you. I see my friend telling her two boys of 15 and 18 to take their clothes upstairs and put them away. Two days later she's still pointing at their neatly ironed folded piles of clothes sitting cluttering up various surfaces in the kitchen asking them to take them up. A day later she does it herself to make room for the next lot. Mid-teens are not known for their neatness and close attention to room hygiene (creating cultures in coffee cups under the bed was a favourite occupation of mine at any rate). Maybe she is trying to tidy up a bit without offending you. Adults are generally not stupid and if I was to go about searching someone's room, I would make damn sure that I didn't make it obvious.

Your complaints are the same as most teenagers would have and the only solution to the problem is to study hard, get a good job and become independent and then you can set about repairing the damage done to a lot of parent/child relationships done during the teenage years. As to choosing a retirement home for them, don't be too sure, they are probably planning how to make their declining years a joy to them and a nightmare for you by taking up residence in a granny flat next to your house and being incontinent on your couch, criticising the way you bring up your kids and demanding to watch reruns of the Late Late Show on TV when you want to watch something else.

You just have to hang in there and try and get along with them. Maybe you could ask how they were handled by their parents as teens and get some insight into the way they think. It might not help the way they treat you but it may help to decrease your resentment of them.

In the meantime get out there and enjoy life regardless of the strictures they place you under. It can be done. (My curfew at 16 was 7.00pm) And remember parents are human being too with their own feelings and they are probably very worried about you and what is going on with your increasing solitariness and weight. Talk to them, explain how you feel, listen to their reasoning and try and come to some compromise. Parents and your children when they are little are the only times you will experience unconditional love even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

miss_gonzo

Work on building their trust and once you do, do not break it
prove it to them that you arent up to trouble and deserve to be allowed priviliges.

Beruthiel

obl wrote:

Whenever I go out for the night it's "be back by 11".

speaking as a mother of a daughter round your age, that is also the time she is expected to be back home. There is nothing unreasonable whatsoever with that request at your age.

when i get home its all, "Who were you with, Wat did you do"

I also ask that question, why? because I am interested to know what my daughter is doing with her time while out of the house, I'm the parent and it is my job to take care of my child, it's the knackers out there who don't give a toss what their kids are up to that are the problem. If your parents didn't care about you, they wouldn't bother their arses asking anything.

also in the last six months i've come home from school to find stuff in my room moved as if the room has been searched

this is a total invasion of privacy and it is time for you to sit down with your parents and have a calm discussion with them as to why they feel the need to do this. I suspect that you might be leaving something out of your original post? would I be right?

If they continue being really bad even when you stick to there rules, just totally disobey the rules get into a big fight and scream "I'm 16 not 6, I want some freedom, I'm not doing drugs...etc.etc.etc" and then give a speech on how its right as a human being to have your personal space and privacy. Its in the constitution of basic human rights

ya LeRack, I have never seen such a childish piece of advice and it is no wonder that you have problems with your parents if this is the type of behaviour you display, it only goes to prove that you need keeping an eye on as you have yet to learn how to behave like an adult. That type of behaviour won't work one second with me. My way of looking at things is, if you want me to treat you like an adult, then behave like one, it's as easy as that.

The Muppet

I'm also a parent of teenagers and their curfew time is also normally 11 o clock . If they want occasionally to stay out later they have to ring home and ask and depending on the reaason for their request we will make a decision .

Presently I wouldn't dream of searching their rooms but if I suspected them of taking drugs I would do anything possible to prevent that.

Your parents sound pretty normal to me. Its a very worrying time to be a parent and even though you do not recognise it now their actions are in your best interest.

Finally if one of my Children throws a tantrum at me I will just dig my heals in as parents should never reward bad behaviour. Your best bet is to sit down and discuss your issues with them in a mature fashion and accept the outcome of that discussion.

Goof Luck

Mist

Unfortunately there is very little you can do, it may seem unfair but they do so much for you without reward.

See it like this;

Life as it is with intrusive parents

or

Life without parents.

Choose the latter and you won't last long.

Cake Fiend

I used to have similar problems with my parents, only at an earlier age and worse. I eventually had to *take* my own freedom - i.e. I realized there was nothing they could do to stop me staying out until whatever time I wanted, going where I wanted, with whoever I wanted.

What were they going to do - throw me out of the house? Grounding didn't work, I'd go out anyway. Stopping pocket money only encouraged me to get a job. Eventually my parents realized that I had taken control of my own life and stopped trying to control me. The questions continued, but they're easier to ignore.

This is an extreme example, and not a path to be chosen lightly, but a method that worked for me (I had no other choice). If you can reason with your parents, that would be the better option, but if you think they're being unreasonable and there's no other way to deal with them, realize that you can simply omit their opinions from your life.

Mist wrote:

Life without parents.

Choose the latter and you won't last long.

Says you. I wouldn't have survived living the way my parents wanted me to live. I gained an invaluable sense of responsibility and independence from a relatively early age through shunning my parents' input. Ideally this wouldn't be the situation of course, but I don't regret my decision. The original poster's social skills are already on the way to being strangled, and searching your child's room on the sly is no way to foster a healthy relationship with them. The way things are going, there will only be a feeling of mistrust in the family, and that can cause long-term damage.

I'm not saying it's easy being a parent either, but the harder you try to smother your child, the harder they'll try to escape/rebel. A child of 16 really needs to have their parents trust them and give them some independence.

CerebralCortex

dragona wrote:

parents are UNIVERSAL and we are all the same...........

I hope you are wrong.

Everything your parents are doing seems pretty decent except for the room searching which is total arse.
Think yourself lucky I never had the luxury of knowing where I stood with my parents as my teen life progressed and now I'm a lifeless intraverted freak with self esteem issues.
As far as the weight gain that can only be blamed on your parents if they buy indequately nutritious food and force you to eat it.
Do you get exercise?

claire h

obl wrote:

I'm 16 and used to enjoy a grand old preteen social life. But once I hit 13 my parents wouldn't leave me alone, seriously. Whenever I go out for the night it's "be back by 11" and when i get home its all, "Who were you with, Wat did you do". So i've started to not go out and have become much more solitary, I've put on 2 stone in the last year as a result. also in the last six months i've come home from school to find stuff in my room moved as if the room has been searched.

To be honest, being asked about what you were doing and who you were with is hardly the end of the world and not going out because of it seems a bit extreme. If you can give them some small details to keep them happy then the questions might ease up a bit - if you're quiet and secretive they're going to assume that you're getting up to all kinds of dreadful stuff, rather than realising that you just don't want to talk to them about it. Same about the room thing - it's out of line as far as your parents are concerned, to be searching through it, but it's probably because they think you have deep dark secrets that you're keeping from them. If they know what's going on in your life (which doesn't mean you have to tell them everything - a broad outline, a few friends' names and the odd detail or two will do) they might ease up a bit.

dragona

Originally Posted by dragona
parents are UNIVERSAL and we are all the same...........

CerebralCortex wrote ::::: hope you are wrong.




Erm, what I meant was we are all the same as in worrying about our children, and thinking we know better even if we dont

Room searching is totally unacceptable,unless there is good reason - ie- they have already found a stash of drugs, counterfeit money, firearms etc on a previous occasion.Trust has to work both ways.

Try not to be too secretive, be open and honest
Do not blame weight gain on your parents - get a grip because it is your body, and you are old enough to know what you should do there.......

Squirrel

Don't take Sico's story lightly OP, if that's what you choose to do, make sure there is nothing else that can be done.

'twas a few months ago I kinda went a bit crazy and decided to run away, the only good thing that came from it was the realisation was the fact that although I hated all the rules I needed my parents.Don't do that because when I did come home I saw how much I had hurt my mam, worst feeling ever

And yes alot of them are the same