Gotta Die (a little graphic, strong language)

Le Rack

This is just a song I wrote ages ago.


Sink it in.
Sink it deep.
This life, don't wanna keep.
Bleeding now.
Hope you die too.

Chorous:
Bleeding
Dying
Burning
Drowning
Gotta die somehow.

Planned my epitaph
Hope it makes you laugh
It'll say:
"F*ck you.
You killed me.
You left me
F*ck you"

Chorous

Hope you see me when you sleep.
These thoughts of me you'll keep.
Remind you of the blood on your hands
The torture of my soul
Of how you
You
Killed me
You left me
F*ck you

I'm bleeding...
I'm dying...
I'm burning...
I'm drowning...
I died somehow...
You gotta die too...

gerbilgranny

Awwwww.....(hoping a sigh is worth a thousand words...)

ExOffender

Hmm... on the one hand it's passive, but then, it's quite aggressive, too. I don't know what to think.

Le Rack

where dya get the passive?

randomhuman

Is this in solidarity with Nirina? WHile I don't like the idea that somebody would kill themselves just because somebody left them, I actually kinda like this. Wouldn't the different length lines in the verses make it a bit hard to sing though? Not that I know anything about songwriting, or singing...

Le Rack

Nirina? Huh? ,,,no

Right, the first verse is done at a fast tempo, all lines seming to be one but still standing alone, if you know what I mean.

All lines of the chorous are sung, extended if you will, until the last line which is said in a sadistic tone of voice.

Verse two is the fast tempo thing again.

Chorous

First five lines of third verse are sung, with the fast tempo coming in for the last four.
Last verse, barely voiced in a sung sort of whisper, with the last line, having more emphasis on it.

randomhuman

Ah, I see you've thought of everything

Le Rack

I have a tendency to do that...

Waltons

This reminded me of something and I was wracking my brains as to what it was and then it hit me, A Message to Harry Manback. That's immaterial though as the similarity is purely something that my mind linked (I'm not sure as to why).

Anyhow, contrary to randomhuman I don't like it due to the content of someone killing themselves because someone left them. It's angsty, clichéd subject matter at this stage and unless this song has some absolutely bitching instrumental work it's not going to be anything that nobody has done before.
I thought the lines "This life, don't wanna keep." and "These thoughts of me you'll keep." felt as if they're just kinda stuck in there to keep the rhyming rather than to further the song. The messages in these lines are conducive to the story of the song but they come across as rather awkwardly and forced because of the word order.
I wasn't particularly fond of the "I died somehow" line either. "Gotta die somehow" fits into the chorus well because it portrays that the person feels the need to end his/her life in any way possible but saying "I died somehow" is a bit inconclusive for the end. By all means keep something like "I died" and the last line but the "somehow" feels like you were just trying to fit two extra syllables to the line in order to lengthen it.

PS. It's "Chorus" not "Chorous"

Le Rack

I knew I was spelling it wrong! Thanx!

Well, "This life, don't wanna keep" is like two sentences in itself, but are incapable of standing alone?

The other person, will keep the thoughts in there mind of me as a weapon of guilt, so to speak, but I'm so outraged by the whole thing that I, I suppose want them to die through their guilt.

I died somehow is a rescript of the chorus, and it also depicts as a result of the chorus, the different methods of suicide, well some, and I tried so many that in the end its hard to kow which one killed me.

I can see where your coming from though, and the rhythm has a lot to do with how the lines fit too. As for the music I can hear it in my head and it sounds good but I'd say thats where its gonna remain!

Nidge

Le Rack wrote:

I knew I was spelling it wrong! Thanx!

Well, "This life, don't wanna keep" is like two sentences in itself, but are incapable of standing alone?

The other person, will keep the thoughts in there mind of me as a weapon of guilt, so to speak, but I'm so outraged by the whole thing that I, I suppose want them to die through their guilt.

I died somehow is a rescript of the chorus, and it also depicts as a result of the chorus, the different methods of suicide, well some, and I tried so many that in the end its hard to kow which one killed me.

I can see where your coming from though, and the rhythm has a lot to do with how the lines fit too. As for the music I can hear it in my head and it sounds good but I'd say thats where its gonna remain!

Were you trying to be artsy by spelling it incorrectly and if so why are you spelling it correctly now?

Le Rack

I knew I was spelling it wrong but couldn't think of the right spelling, look your the big spelling expert so tell us all how to spell it. please.

Nidge

Le Rack wrote:

I knew I was spelling it wrong but couldn't think of the right spelling, look your the big spelling expert so tell us all how to spell it. please.

No need to get so upset, you were spelling it correctly in your previous post which made me wonder why you were happily spelling it incorrectly in the song, it's chorus, as I think you well know.

Sarky

You know, when I say something like "no more spam" in one thread, it also goes for other threads. Stop the waffle and either discuss the actual work or leave the thread be.