Is flirting ok while in relationships?

canavanbn@hotma

Had this debate with a feamle friend today, who is not my girlfriend.
Her arguement is that every platonic male friend shes had has attempted to make a move at some point!
This surprised me as I always thought men and women could be friends, and opposite sex friendships didnt affect existing relationships.
And it brings me on to flirting, is it OK for a man in a relationship to flirt with a female friend or randomer - Is there a difference between the two?
Would be annoyed if your bf/gf accepted a drink bought by a stranger of the opposite sex?
Surely when your a student and socialising with big groups of people there will be times when you annoy your girlfriends/boyfriends?
In my case, after a party a while back i crashed out in a bed with a good female friend of mine - to get to the point my gf was really annoyed even though i was clothed!
Surely this was an overreaction?
Interested to get everyones opinion on all of the above.
Can men and women be friends?
Can relationships survive the partying college phase?

RE*AC*TOR

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

WhiteWashMan

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

Had this debate with a feamle friend today, who is not my girlfriend.
Her arguement is that every platonic male friend shes had has attempted to make a move at some point!?

big difference between flirting and 'making a move' in my eyes.
flirting for me is about fun, being a sexual being, and is all about the ego and self confidence.

making a move is about trying to shag someone.

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

This surprised me as I always thought men and women could be friends, and opposite sex friendships didnt affect existing relationships.?

they can. not every relationship is the same, and not everyone reacts different in every situation. there is no 'usual' or 'common' or 'generic' type of action. there are only people, and their reactions to different situations.

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

And it brings me on to flirting, is it OK for a man in a relationship to flirt with a female friend or randomer - Is there a difference between the two??

it depends on the situation. its about your own relationship with your partner. does your partner mind you doing it? if not, flirt away. if they do, then do what you want as long as you have an understanding with your partner.

its perfectly ok for people to flirt with each other, but i think its just important that you keep in mind the sense and sensibilities of your relationship, and that is what i feel should dictate your behaviour.

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

Would be annoyed if your bf/gf accepted a drink bought by a stranger of the opposite sex??

no, and i probably ask for one too!

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

Surely when your a student and socialising with big groups of people there will be times when you annoy your girlfriends/boyfriends??

who needs big groups to annoy your partner. you will do things every day that will annoy them, and they will do things that annoy you.

the trick is to learn from each other to stop doing the things that annoy each other so you can have a realtionship. after all, a relationship is based on constant communication and compromising. if you do something that annoys your parter and you refuse to change, you will be single.
its an easy equation.

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

In my case, after a party a while back i crashed out in a bed with a good female friend of mine - to get to the point my gf was really annoyed even though i was clothed!?

now thats just fúcking stupid. dont be naive.

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

Surely this was an overreaction??

you may think so, but surely your partner has the right to have her own opinions? if she feels it was worth over-reacting to, then perhaps you might learn that she doesnt like it?

instead you seem to suggest that she is somehow wrong for being annoyed that you slept in a bed with another woman?

its all about personal perspective, and how you value other peoples opinions. you may not like them, and you will often disagree, but you can at least respect how other people feel.

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

Can men and women be friends?
Can relationships survive the partying college phase?

yes they can. but over the long term, the relationship will change, and sometimes you might fancy her, or she might fancy you. relationships are not single line entities, they are big and horrible and mixed up and every one is different, and there are no general rules.

of course relationships can survive, the question is are the two people in the relationship the type of people who will nurture the relationship, work on it, and keep it going. or are they two people (or even just one of them) more interested in going out and partying, and not too serious about the relationship.

its all about people.

Beruthiel

Is flirting ok while in relationships?

is posting in PI ok without reading the charter?


OP
as this is not a PI, I am moving it to Humanitites
B

chump

I'd say flirting is OK once both parties (engaged in the act of flirtation) know they are both doing just that, flirting...

Obviously some people may say that this could be hard to tell, but to be honest I think most people have the intuition to know if they are just flirting (for fun) or if the other party think's they gonna get it ON

So, yes, flirting to a certain degree is grand, especially amongst people who are all invloved already in relationships... keeps them sane

As to the whole man VS woman, friend VS lover thing... more and more I think that NO, a single heterosexual man cannot be good friends with a girl (who's in a relationship) without during this friendship wanting to get it ON at some stage... IMO

In the other case, where the man is in a relationship, I feel a single woman is less likely to confess undying love for the man than in the flipped scenario. Although I don't have as much experience with this so perhaps a woman can go into this.

My reasoning other than life-experience (I could go onnnnn), is that:
single man is horny
single man if not getting any would do pretty much anything (don't attack me on this point plz)
single man would even moreso like to get in on with good friend, who he trusts, enjoys and is curious as to how it would go down...

Now the likelihood of him making a move is increased by his desperation to get lucky/get involved in a relationship, and hence is often directly proportional to both his "attractiveness" and his social skills...

Crubeens

I don't mind my girlfriend having an innocent flirt with guys - as long as I'm not there!

If she's on a girly night out and spends hours beautifying herself beforehand, she's going to get male attention. I think it's great that she gets approached and chatted up, and I certainly don't expect her to immediately state that she has a boyfriend, and walk away. If a bit of harmless flirting makes her feel attractive and she enjoys it, then what harm?

Regarding her spending time in bed with another guy, fully clothed, it would depend who he was. If I knew him and trusted him, no problem; if he was a stranger, I'd go ballistic.

seamus

There is quite a big difference between flirting for the craic, and flirting with intent, or leading someone on. For example, a male in a relationship can have female friends that he flirts with, and they flirt back, and vice-versa. This is ok, there's no intent. However, I'd have an issue with my girlfriend, for example, spending 30 minutes flirting with him, while he's almost dribbling on his shoes. If she mentioned me near the start (as she tends to), then it wouldn't be so bad - she's set the boundary from the start, and isn't trying to lead him on. That's what I'm trying to get at.

On the other hand, every relationship is different. My gf flirting with a guy that I don't know, while I'm with her, would piss me off. That's disrespecting me. My gf flirting with one of her male friends, wouldn't piss me off, whether I'm there or not. Her flirting with a male friend who has made his romantic intentions clear, would piss me off, whether I'm present or not.

And so on. The key is to know what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship. Just because a friend of mine has one-night stands on the weekend and his gf thinks that's OK, doesn't mean it's fine for me to do it. Bottom line: If the other person doesn't like it, and doesn't do the same thing themselves, then you either give it up, or break up.

SexyGoddess

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

And it brings me on to flirting, is it OK for a man in a relationship to flirt with a female friend or randomer - Is there a difference between the two?

Flirting is fine and as long as it stays at flirting and doesnt go to far it can be lots of fun!

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

In my case, after a party a while back i crashed out in a bed with a good female friend of mine - to get to the point my gf was really annoyed even though i was clothed!
Surely this was an overreaction?

I think that maybe this was a little too far!! Fully clothed or not how would your g/f know what happened!?!

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

Interested to get everyones opinion on all of the above.
Can men and women be friends?

Yes men and women can be friends but the problems start with the partying college phase (which lasts longer than college btw!) when your at partys and your drunk and your talkin to a guy or girl that uv been friends with for ages u start to realise how nice they are and.... well one thing leads to another and you never know what could happen! Theres nothing to stop you being friends once u sober up again tho!

Talliesin

Is flirting ok while in what relationship? How can there be one absolute set of rules for every relationship, given the people involved and the nature of the relationship will always be different?

Neuro

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

Can men and women be friends?

Yes, but...

Evolutionary Psychology by David M. Buss
Chapter 9 - Cooperative Alliances
Costs & Benefits of Friendship

The first hypothesis was that for men more than women, one function of opposite-sex friendship is to provide short-term sexual access. This hypothesis follows from the logic of parental investment (Trivers, 1972). Over the course of human evolutionary history men have been the less investing sex, with their relative reproductive success constrained primarily by the number of women with whom they have sexual intercourse. Thus men may have evolved a powerful desire for sexual access to a large number of women, including their opposite-sex friends.

As predicted, men evaluated the potential for sexual access to their opposite-sex friends as significantly more beneficial than did women, as shown in Figure 9.3 on page 274. Men also reported experiencing unreciprocated attraction towards their opposite-sex friends more often than did women. Women more often than men reported having an oppisite-sex friendship in which their friend was romantically attracted to them but not vice versa (Figure 9.4 on page 274). Moreover, men were denied sexual access to their opposite-sex friends more frequently than women. In sum, evidence supports the hypothesis that men more than women view sexual access as a benefit of opposite-sex friendship.

Dizzyblabla

As long as the flirting stays fun, and is just flirting, then it's all good... and like others have said before me, it's all about the ego boost, as long as it's not blatant chatting someone up, then it's ok, I think anyway!

Hydroquinone

canavanbn@hotma wrote:

In my case, after a party a while back i crashed out in a bed with a good female friend of mine - to get to the point my gf was really annoyed even though i was clothed!
Surely this was an overreaction?

If this is the reason you're discussing this, think about if the shoe had been on the other foot, and she'd been crashed out, fully clothed with a good male friend of hers, what would you have said?

If you'd have thought it was AOK, then I can see why you think she is overreacting. If you'd have had a ****fit, then you might want to have a bit of a rethink!!

Most men and women can be friends, but not all. Depends on the people. And as you get older, it also depends on the people's wives/husbands/significant others.

nesf

*shrugs*

define flirt tbh. It means very different things to different people. For some it's a totally unconcious thing and doesn't mean anything really, it just happens and there doesn't necessarily need to be a wish to score involved.


I don't think I could say I would approve or disapprove of it in general. It would totally depend on the people involved. It's not a trust issue. It's more guys drooling over my gf for a half hour and trying everything to get laid that tends to either annoy me or make me laugh. Depending on my mood.

Although a little harmless friendly flirting doesn't bother me. Quite a few people flirt very casually and just do it instinctfully. It's not necessarily a sign of their wish to be with the other person. It's all about the body language

neuro-praxis

It's hard to define flirting though, isn't it?

When other women flirt with my husband I smile smugly to myself, especially when he starts squirming.

I really enjoy the company of men and most of my closest friends are men. I love them because they make me laugh so much, and just have that bit more confidence than women. Is that flirting?

To me flirting always looks like a barrier to becoming real friends. All this slapping and innuendo is so dull.

Laguna

It's a personal preference really. I wouldn't flirt with someone for no reason, for example, to flirt for flirtings sake to feed my ego. I'd only really flirt with someone I have a genuine interest in. Then again, that's me, that's probably why I'll be told my beliefs are stupid like every other time I post on Boards.ie...

20 Times 20 Times

my opinion

simple answer No !

Boston

I'd say your friend is ht eone with the problem with how she interacts with members of the oppiste sex.

Nothing wrong with flirthing, I do it all the time with anybody i like, regardless of there beign an attraction.

As an aside, theres nothing wrong with sexual tension between friends, it can be quiet fun. Some people don;t understand how others can have boundaries of what they are and arn't willing to do with a friend.

The Corinthian

I flirt a lot. Of course this does not mean I have any sexual interest in the people I flirt with. It may be that I want to have them respond more favourably towards me (such as being bumped up to business class on a long haul flight) or because it simply amuses me to do so (flirting is, after all, fun).

A lot of people, both men and women, don’t realize this and this is where the problem arises. And even if one party begins a flirtation without any ulterior motive, they may ultimately be tempted if the flirtation is interpreted as serious and reciprocated.

So as a rule, flirt, but not too much with any one person, as they may misinterpret your motives and place you in a position whereby you must either reject or succumb to them.

Talliesin

The Corinthian wrote:

So as a rule, flirt, but not too much with any one person, as they may misinterpret your motives and place you in a position whereby you must either reject or succumb to them.

Yes and no. It can be great fun to spend all night flirting with one person, yes if your not intending things to go further you do have to be more careful, but if it's someone you know well then they might know already you don't intend it to go further which gives you both further license for some really outrageous flirting.

nesf

Talliesin wrote:

Yes and no. It can be great fun to spend all night flirting with one person, yes if your not intending things to go further you do have to be more careful, but if it's someone you know well then they might know already you don't intend it to go further which gives you both further license for some really outrageous flirting.

I'd agree, it can get messy when one person is just having a bit of fun and the other is trying to get laid. Some people can't tell the difference tbh.

Laguna

nesf wrote:

I'd agree, it can get messy when one person is just having a bit of fun and the other is trying to get laid. Some people can't tell the difference tbh.

That's exactly right. There's no set rules to flirting so no one can tell if it is innocent or not.

nesf

Laguna wrote:

That's exactly right. There's no set rules to flirting so no one can tell if it is innocent or not.

I don't know. Some people can tell when it's "innocent". Some can't. I wouldn't say everyone has this issue with telling it apart. I think body language has a lot to do with it.

But that could just be in my head

jazzbandit

Here's my opinion for what its worth.

I'll probably sound like a tool, but I dont reckon blokes are designed to be mates with girls, especially good lookin ones. Even with the uglier ones, you sometimes get a bit too drunk and want a rattle anyway.

In my experience, blokes who have a load of female friends are basically in love with one or all of them, and it's generally not reciprocated. The bird gets away with murder, coz she knows the bloke will let her away with anything, and the rest of us sit back feeling sorry and a bit embarrassed for him. We've all had mates in this situation. In fact, this being the internet, a lot of you guys will have been in the situation yourselves.

I have two female friends. Been friends years, but dont fancy them at all. Every other bird ive been friends with, Ive ended up scoring with and wrecking things. Which is fair enough coz I was probably only became friends with them to try and get the rattle. Anyyyyyway......

Basically, what I'm sayin is that I'd much prefer to hang out with the boys. But when I'm in the mood to watch "you've got mail" and hopefully get a score, then a girl has to become involved.

Anyway, I'm sure i sound like a gickhead, but there ya go :P

The jazz man

faceman

jazzbandit wrote:

Here's my opinion for what its worth.

I'll probably sound like a tool, but I dont reckon blokes are designed to be mates with girls, especially good lookin ones. Even with the uglier ones, you sometimes get a bit too drunk and want a rattle anyway.

I agree with u chief! I reckon we're designed to sleep with all women and not worry about monogmy and all that bs!! We all know of relationships where one 1 minute the gf is telling u shes love u blah blah and a few days later she throws u away like a cold bag of chips!!

I reckon hope in the bed with everyone except ur ma. But other ppls ma's are cool. Unfortunately i dont tell my gf's of this theory until after they catch me in bed with someone else so maybe thats were it goes wrong?

Talliesin

nesf wrote:

I'd agree, it can get messy when one person is just having a bit of fun and the other is trying to get laid. Some people can't tell the difference tbh.

Well, if you're flirting with someone for more than a few minutes and you're not prepared to let it go further (and they're not someone you know well and flirt with a lot and the limits are known) then I think that fact should be dropped into the conversation somewhere.

For that matter, if you would be prepared to let it go further but it's not going to happen that night, that fact should be dropped into the conversation as well.

Laguna

jazzbandit wrote:

But when I'm in the mood to watch "you've got mail" and hopefully get a score, then a girl has to become involved.

That's...so..class! LOL, you've got mail, the definition of legover flick