The insanity perfection

chupacabra

Imporium sights regale my thought
Of silent peaks of golden stone.
And thrust my hand into the sky
To the solemn peak that stands alone.

Further south, I wipe my brow
And wonder thoughts of repentant fame
To see the site of valleys found.
And fight the thirst for stagnant rain.

Into the bowels of this apollionian place
Where water trickels in serpentine meanders
And lakes of harmonic reflection stands
Beneath the beards of the mountains high.

Solid structure of suffering discourse.
In luminated alcoves of catching sight.
Of the davidian laws of natures master.
Atop the plain of the tortures blight.

Turpintine falls surrounded by glory.
And dead things on high the feeble intrude.
I watched this panoramic feature above
The horizonal sky with clouds interlude.

The flowers they fight for the lonley sunlight.
Forcing towords the subordinate sky.
And battle their whims throughout the beauty of time.
As watching the earth begins to cry.

And cry and cry to the sound of a mute.
Who toils beneath the epic peaks.
And steals to understand the festering truth.
Alone and broken not able to speak.

But me I lie in blissful solidarity.
To the lords of the earth i wishfully thank.
Water, earth, fire and wind.
As I rest my soul upon the bank.

randomhuman

I think you have some nice ideas, but you swamp them in dem big wurds. I'm pretty sure most of them aren't used correctly either, but maybe I'm just an idiot. Either way, a lot of it sounds awkward. Also, some of the language is redundant, like "wonder thoughts", "see the sight" (I assume it's meant to be sight. "site of valleys" doesn't work either...), "water trickles in serpentine meanders"...

This reminds me of some of my old stuff actually, when I used to force words into the wrong places to make things rhyme, or to make the meter work. Not a good way to go.

chupacabra

No I assure you those words are meant to be there. Like serpentine meanders is just basically "snake like bends in the river" and I feel my use of words is quite correct. Thanks for the construcive crit tho. Apreciate it.

randomhuman

chupacabra wrote:

No I assure you those words are meant to be there. Like serpentine meanders is just basically "snake like bends in the river" and I feel my use of words is quite correct. Thanks for the construcive crit tho. Apreciate it.

Fair enough, but my point about the "serpentine meanders" was that it conflicts with trickles, so one of them is redundant. To me, trickles implies a fast, low flow, like a stream, and meanders implies a slow, heavy flow, as in an old river. Even the sounds conflict.

chupacabra

Hmmm... you got a point there guess I have to watch my word usage from now on. Thanks for the heads up.

ziggy sawdust

constructive criticism (hope you don't mind)

basically - don't try so hard. Relax a little - your writing seems derivative. I can't hear your voice in there. What I hear is someone trying to copy the melodrama of the romanatics but without the controlled vocablary that would help pull this off.

It reminds me of the type of thing I would have tried to put together back in my teens. I've no idea how old you are - but it strikes me that maturity will come to your writing if you keep at it. But its really important for you to find a voice that you're happy with.

Read someone like Heaney (if you like Irish poetry) and check out his phenomenal ability to put simple words together in an unforced while at the same time creating powerful and evocative phrases. And if you're not into Irish poetry (but still read a bit of Heaney!) check out some of the 20th century American poets (people like Frost, Lowell, Bishop, even Plath). Again you'll see how modern sounds and a contemporary vocablary can combine to produce inspiring lines of copy.

Keep at it by the way. You've got something, but it needs polishing.

ZS

McFiddler

chupacabra wrote:

Imporium sights regale my thought

I'm not really sure this line makes any sense. To be quite honest I didn't know what the words meant when I read this first so I looked them up. "Imporium isn't in the dictionary I used (Dictionary.com) but that might not mean the word doesn't exist or maybe you meant Imperium which means an empire. I also looked up regale and got the following meaning:
1. To provide with great enjoyment; entertain.
2. To entertain sumptuously with food and drink; provide a feast for

Even after looking up the words in the first line I'm still not sure what it is you're trying to communicate. At a guess I would say the line means:
The thoughts of an empire entertain me. Is this what you meant by the line or have I got it all wrong?

Really liked the poem but I think if you kept your poetry simple it would be better and more enjoyable to read.

chupacabra

Thats precicley what it means. I wrote this based on a trip to this amazing valley up Mount brandon in Kerry and all this hit me at one glance.