Lifes Lost

LegacyUser

Hi,
I was with my girlfriend for 6 years, we spend 90% of our spare time together,
My g/f never had a very high sex drive whereas i have. that would lead to alot of arguements between us. no matter what happened between us we both knew we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.
But i did somethin wrong, well some people im not sure would not consider this cheating but my g/f did. i was having text sex with another girl. nothing else only that.
we broke up a few months ago when she found out i had lied about something else but we got back together and then this happened.
I totally regret what i did and when she found out i had already stopped.
I suppose i did it as a replacement for sex in our relationship. Im not trying to make excuses, i know what i did was wrong.
We broke up and we were texting each other, she was asking all kindds of questions from What why where when and how. i told her everything, didnt want to lie anymore.
Weeks have now passed and we see each other as before but we are still no longer an item. i dont want anybody else and i tell her everyday that i love her. ive been to see a couple of specialists about depression and have totally changed as a person.
But, she still wont take me back even tho we still kiss hug etc.
She says she will find it hard to trust me ever again. i know i have changed as a person and she thinks so too.
My life is nothing without her and i feel physically sick thinking of her with someone else.
I just need another chance. can anyone help with advice?

shellby

well first of all imo you did cheat
but putting that to the side you seem to genuinely want to take responsibility and try to mend the situation
the first thing i would do is top spending so much time with her she needs to decide how she feels and it would be easier to do so with out hanging around
explain what your doing give her some time
ask her back in a while show her (not tell her that you can be trusted) be remaining faithful for the time she needs to think it through
if she says no then let it go your only hurting her and yourself in the long run

Sleepy

The way I see it you have one throw of the dice left: an overwhelming romantic gesture. Something big. It may blow up in your face but sometimes you have to take that risk...

Morrigan

In my opinion there is something a lot deeper going on here than what you are directly saying. 6 years is a long time. Sex is important in a relationship. It's telling that you argued about it a lot. The fact that you hadn't reached a basic understanding or learnt how to deal with this basic difference seems to me that there was less than fluent communication between you. You weren't talking.
The fact that you felt you had to turn to someone else to get satisfaction shows that you must have been feeling misunderstood, denied something you needed and deserved, and desperate- willing to risk a relationship where you say you both knew you loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of your lives together (which is rare, so rare). And you knew it was wrong and did it anyway. No doubt you were feeling deep down that it was justifiable, because she had rejected you.
The fact that she has broken up with you twice shows she is not happy with the way things are either.
I'm willing to bet she loves you very much but is tired of the arguments, feels she can't trust you and is afraid of being taken for a fool again (she got back with you only to be let down again).
It's a mistake to think that you have totally changed as a person, but you may have just come to realise things about you that you never knew before, and feel better equipped to cope with them...
So in short, it sounds like your relationship was in a lot of trouble under the surface before you made an overt mistake.

So, if you really think that you want to attempt to patch up this relationship here's my advice.
Start listening to her. Ask her what it is that makes her want to abandon your 6 year relationship. Ask her to be honest with you. About everything. Let her talk. Listen. But don't get emotional. Don't get angry, don't cry.
Then talk to her. Tell her why you think it’s worth her while to come back to you. You have to make her realise that you will do your best to make things better. That it won't be the same. Address the problems she has with the relationship.
If it’s too hard to say everything you have to say face to face then email her.
Then give her some space and time to consider things. She has to come to her own conclusion.
But in the end, if she doesn't want to give you a 3rd (or 100th...) chance, then she won't. You will have to accept it, and you will be better off if you do. It will be hard but it won't be the end of the world. You will get through it.
Good Luck.
And remember this is all just one stranger's opinion.

Con9903

Maybe she's not taking you back because she knows how much you want her and she wants to mess you around. Try ignoring her for a while and see if it makes any difference. If not then go back to grovelling or try that romantic gesture suggestion above.

tinkerbell

Bastard wrote:

But i did somethin wrong, well some people im not sure would not consider this cheating but my g/f did. i was having text sex with another girl. nothing else only that. My life is nothing without her and i feel physically sick thinking of her with someone else. I just need another chance. can anyone help with advice?

Text sex is cheating if she says it is. Some people may be comfortable with it, others would definitely not. I know I sure as hell would not be comfortable with my other half texting dirty messages to another girl.

Put the other shoe on the foot for a while. She has a really high sex drive, you don't, so she starts having text sex with another guy. You find out, you hit the roof, you feel hurt, angry, betrayed that she'd do something like that?

If you're going out for six years, and you can't openly discuss your feelings regarding your sex life, then maybe you shouldn't even be still going out? To make a relationship work, there has to be trust and honesty - you've broken both of those, how can you expect your girl to forgive and forget? Did it ever occur to you while you were text-sexing that she could find out, and would dump you? And how you would feel then?

Sorry for being harsh, but this is probably how she sees it. Who knows, maybe she felt awful everytime you wanted sex and she didn't want it. Maybe her insecurities about not being up for it when you were up for it got the better of her and so made the situation worse. All a bunch of maybes, I dunno what she's thinking, only she does.

All you can do is see if you can show her that you are very sorry, and make a big effort to try to make it work. And if she does take you back - you will just have to work through the problem of different sex drives, not escape from it.

All our actions have consequences. If she doesn't want to take you back, you just gotta live and learn, and don't make the same mistake again.

pickarooney

What would happen if you did get back and you still felt sexually frustrated? Would you stick around because you think you should? Could you just ignore it and resign yourself to having a boring sex life? Would you not resent her for that (I'd say you already do, but you're covering that over with guilt and a belief in romantic love)? Why would she want to get back with you if she's going to be permanently feeling she's not adventurous enough for you.
In short, what's in it for you, ans especially her if you get back together?

Alpha505

I dont think you cheated B@stard. Cheating is sticking your c*ck in someone else, having a snog or pursuing a date with someone you fancy. What you did goes on all the time in reletionships gone past the 5 year mark and its harmless UNTILL you get caught or, in your case admit to it.

You should have left well alone, said nothing to your GF about the texting and talked things through with her regarding your sexdrive. I hope things are better for you since you last posted.

LegacyUser

To the OP, if you still out there, are things better now?

Best of luck.

Victor

Bastard wrote:

we spend 90% of our spare time together

A little off topic, but thats a bit unhelthy. Everyone needs time apart.

WhiteWashMan

Alpha505 wrote:

I dont think you cheated B@stard. Cheating is sticking your c*ck in someone else, having a snog or pursuing a date with someone you fancy. What you did goes on all the time in reletionships gone past the 5 year mark and its harmless UNTILL you get caught or, in your case admit to it.

what is important is that its not your opinion that counts here, its the OP's ex girlfriend. if she thinks its cheating, then its cheating.

i think if she is persistantly telling the OP that she doesnt want to take him back, then its better if you do the good thing and just break all communication,a nd let both of you move on.
learn your lessons.
if sex is that important to you, dont go out with someone who has a low sex drive.
she will learn to go out with someone that wont cheat on her (hopefully).

but unless something drastic happens, get closure, and both of you move on. it will hurt, but inthe long run, it wont fúck up your future relationships.
as it stands now, you will probably think of her in ever relationship you will be in, and you will compare this relationship with every relationship you are in.
and that is not healthy for you, or fair on any potential partners you may have.

Neuro

Bastard wrote:

My life is nothing without her and i feel physically sick thinking of her with someone else.

I guess now you know how she felt... As for advice, the only thing you can do is beg for forgiveness and hope she takes you back.

vibe666

sorry if you're expecting some sort of sympathy, because you're not going to get it from me.

Bastard wrote:

My life is nothing without her and i feel physically sick thinking of her with someone else.

that says it all for me. you know how you feel thinking that at some point in the future she may be with someone else.

how do you think she feels KNOWING you were with someone because she doesn't satisfy you enough sexually?

tbh i'm amazed she can even be in the same rooom as you any more. all i can say is she must love you very much.

i'm guessing you know what you had and that you've thrown it away for 'nothing' as you've already said that what you did meant nothing to you.

the_syco

Bastard wrote:

text sex with another girl

OT, but what the hell is "text sex"?

Son_of_Belial

You need to take this one slowly man. If you're still hugging, kissing etc. then that's a good sign. My guess is she's not ready to be with anyone else yet so I wouldn't worry myself on that score. Time heals as they say and I think she just needs some time. text sex was a bad idea but it was just that. She's hurt buty she'll get over it. Give it some time, give her some space and see what happens. You can't expect her to take you back straight away, and even if she did she doesn't trust you yet. Do you really want a relationship laced with suspicion? Give her time to get her head in order and sort things out for herself. Good luck.

Mr.Nice Guy

vibe666 wrote:

sorry if you're expecting some sort of sympathy, because you're not going to get it from me.

that says it all for me. you know how you feel thinking that at some point in the future she may be with someone else.

how do you think she feels KNOWING you were with someone because she doesn't satisfy you enough sexually?

tbh i'm amazed she can even be in the same rooom as you any more. all i can say is she must love you very much.

i'm guessing you know what you had and that you've thrown it away for 'nothing' as you've already said that what you did meant nothing to you.

Uh, did you actually bother to read his post? I question whether you did judging by how you tore the guy's head off. He had 'text sex' which in my eyes isn't cheating at all. Gee, is it cheating if you watch a porno too?

Gimme a break... :rolleyes:

vibe666

aah, missed the 'text' bit before the 'sex' part.

ah well. but why? can't imagine that's much fun. bad enough typing one handed, but texting?

i guess i'll be taking back most of what i said before then anyway.

LegacyUser

Shes hurting right now

Alot of people see text sex,phone sex and cybering,and else what as not cheating but ask yourself the question if you were in her place and it was here doing the text sex how would u feel?

Your not a changed person.I dont know you but Im right in saying this.Counceilling and all the rest of that stuff doesnt chance who you are it helps you realise your potential and your true self,thast all youve found.

Also your despiration is gonna get you nothing.I was once engaged and the guy,after I broke it off,said he wouldnt live without me and I was his world,and alot of the stuff your saying,all thats gonna achieve is scaring her off and making her scared of you because your so possesive shell feel she can never have a life.

What age r u?6years is a long time to be together and spend 90% of time together.She maybe realising theres a bigger world out there and you have to let her have the oppertunitty to experience it,it may hurt you but face the facts,live sucks and life hurts.If you cant get over it how do u plan on getting through life?

The whole kissing and hugging stuff.Stop!!You aint giving her time to come to terms with her emotions on what happened.U may not be back togethr but correct me if IM wrong,but your still acting the same way we were together..This is always going to leave you in limbo and youll get no relationship back out of it because you both cant figure out your feelings for eachother.

If she decided moving on with her life without u is for the best let her.Let her make the choice because youve alredy been allowed to make your choices.You made your choice to lie to her,to seak sexually relief behind her back.Now it her turn to have the upper hand and make choices

LegacyUser

90% of your time together + 6 years = insane.

Broaden your horizons a bit mate.

WhiteWashMan

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

Uh, did you actually bother to read his post? I question whether you did judging by how you tore the guy's head off. He had 'text sex' which in my eyes isn't cheating at all. Gee, is it cheating if you watch a porno too?

Gimme a break... :rolleyes:

and once again, its not your opinion that matters, its the opinion of the ex girlfriend to the OP.

she feels its cheating, then its cheating.

no amount of eye rolling or sarcasm is going to change that.

so, now that you are aware that the ex is not happy with the text sex, and thats cheating according to her, what advice do you have from that stand point.

and saying tis not cheating is not good enough. or is this another one of your mysoganistic posts about how all women screwed up?

kawaii

sean23 wrote:

90% of your time together + 6 years = insane.

Broaden your horizons a bit mate.

If you really care about someone then that's how it is...

The Sweeper

To the OP:

There are two things that can cause a lack of sex in your relationship: a low sex drive, and underlying issues and hang-ups about sex that mean your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex.

I think it's unusual for someone to have a 'low sex drive' for six years. I think it would be just physically weird for someone's hormones - the things that set your sex drive a-zinging - to be at a low for six years. A blood test would have sorted that out though. So here's the rub - your girlfriend and you have fought about her low sex drive for six years, and she's never gone to the doctor about it? Did she ever go to see her GP to say "listen my hormones are rock-bottom and I've no interest in sex, can we do a blood work up on me to see if it's my pill or what?"

No?

Hmmm, wouldn't you think that, if you believed something was physically amiss with you for six years, you'd go and see a doctor about it?

I think more women are hung up about sex than is, shall we say, "officially documented". What I'm saying is that I believe your girlfriend may have a normal sex drive, but difficulty being intimate sexually with you. This difficulty may come from confidence and self-esteem issues. How do you think your girlfriend feels about herself? How do you think she feels about herself as a sexual person? Do you think she's ever thought about it? Have you ever talked about how she feels about sex, in a way other than "do you not fancy me" and "why do you not want me"? Have you ever asked her "how do you think I see you sexually?" or "what do you reckon I think of you in relation to sex?" Is it possible your girlfriend rates her value as a human being completely separate to her value as a sexual being? So inotherwords, she can love you and be with you and kiss you and hug you, but she gets weirded out when you become intimate because it threatens all of these preconceptions she has of herself and as a result she clams up?

Okay, enough of the amateur psych 101 on your girlfriend's sex issues - just something to think about. Basically though, I think your girlfriend probably has esteem and intimacy issues masquerading as a low sex drive. Until she gets over them, there is little likelihood your sex life would improve.

If I'm remotely right, then her difficulty with sexual intimacy would only be compounded by the realisation that you were having text sex with someone else. It would hit her on a number of levels - her own worth, her views of you (she may love you until you try to be intimate with her, at which point she starts to dislike you and rejects you - you won't have helped your ratings in the sexy likability stakes by getting rumbled doing the keypad dirty with some other bird), her ability to trust you. It could be that the sex pixies who inhabit the deep level of your ex-girlfriends mind where they sow discord about intimacy are currently having a party because you've proved them right.

If your relationship was important enough to last six years regardless of intimacy, then it could be that it's important enough to fight for. But I don't think you can fight for it without getting professional relationship counselling.

That's my two cents - call it unscientific if you will, but I think you're flogging a dead horse if you're just hoping she'll take you back because you're sorry, and you both may be better off moving on.

Kell

I do like tuning in when I have seen MAJD post and I agree 100% with her advice and rationalisation.

However, the OP never did state if he had a dysfunctional sexual relationship i.e. none with his partner or whether the sex was few and far between. If it was a case of few and far between, that (I believe) is good enough for some folk.

I hope the OP is still around, because irrelevant of text sex, I sniff that he may have been in a realtionship for six long years for the wrong reasons. Perhaps if he is still around he could clarify for us.

K-

The Sweeper

Kell, OP's first post:

My g/f never had a very high sex drive whereas i have. that would lead to alot of arguements between us.

and

I suppose i did it as a replacement for sex in our relationship. Im not trying to make excuses, i know what i did was wrong.

Hence my psych 101 on the sexual nature of their relationship. (It wasn't just that I had an urge to ramble, honestly. )

I was taking the 'no sex, had arguments, I turned to another woman by text' thingie as indicative of something sickly at the core of their relationship. Sexless relationships can destroy both people - the bloke (as it can often be) feels unattractive and unappreciated, and rejection is detrimental to his self esteem. However it's catch22 - the more he pushes, the more the girl clams up. She may not have even investigated her own thoughts on the matter and may have convinced herself that her sex drive is low. So she comes out of it going "I have a low sex drive, which makes me even more undesirable" which makes it worse again.

I started down this road, though, because I think the OP's put a lot of time into this relationship, and may not even realise what really is wrong, why his girlfriend may be reacting so violently to the idea of text sex (which, incidentally, I think is dodgy - text sex is with one specific person repeatedly, it's not with some random porn star who doesn't react personally to your input, so it's not like watching porn) or why things that are seemingly so perfect between them don't translate into chemistry in bed.

Again, just something to think about...

pickarooney

Probably a picture-perfect analysis there MAJD, but what do you reckon would be good advice for the OP? Is it going to be any easier to open up and be honest with a relationship counsellor than with her partner? It seems like one of those things that the more you probe it, the worse it gets.

WhiteWashMan

well, lets face it, leaving it be wont do any good, as there is no relationship now.

i mean, whats the worse that could happen?

pickarooney

Possibly the worst is that they drag it out six more years instead of ending it cleanly. But yeah, ignoring the old heffalump in the drawing room won't resolve much.

Then again, at certain points in your life you have to come to terms with the fact that you won't always get what you want, or think you want - your dream job, the woman you've always fancied, a lotto windfall - and settle for what you can have; companionship but no passion, a steady income but no promotion chances, kids but no big world tour.
I don't really have a helpful answer.