Things pagans will never say

ArdRi79 · 12-08-2005 6:55pm #1

These are things you will never hear a pagan say

http://cardiffpagan.co.uk/magazine/issues/6/articles/things.html

Celtic Tradition:
Of course, we don't actually know anything about the historical Celts.
I hate Celtic knotwork.
Bloody bog trotters and sheep shaggers!
I find Cerridwen to be a very nice Goddess, don't you?

Talliesin · 14-08-2005 3:26pm

ArdRi79 wrote:

I find Cerridwen to be a very nice Goddess, don't you?

COL. Another of my favourites:

Q. Why do Ásatrúers not perform the Great Rite?
A. They can't fit the seax into the beer bottle.

Nevyn · 14-08-2005 3:45pm

Light bulbs

http://www.wicca.com/celtic/humor/humor3.htm

Q:How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirteen! One to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.

Q: How many years does it take a Druid to change a light bulb?
A: 21, unless you're Irish.

Q: How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!

Q: How many Brit.Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirteen. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

Q: How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's a third degree secret.

Q: How many years does it take a Gardnerian witch to change a light bulb?
A: A year and A day in an Outer Grove, a year and a day at first level, a year and a day at second level, but only third levels change light bulbs.

Q: How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"

Q: How many years does it take an Alexandrian Witch to change a light bulb?
A: That's the Maiden's Job. Maiden - Make it so.

Q: How many Starhawk Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE light bulbs..."

Q: How many years does it take a Starhawk Witch to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it depends how hard you study, but you can do it now if you are solitary.

Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)

Q: How many years does it take for a solitary Witch to change a light bulb?
A: How long does it take to get one out of the closet?

Q: How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb?
A: Its already been changed.

Q: How many years does it take a White Light Wiccan to change a light bulb?
A: Look deep within and find your true essence. That will tell you how long it will take.

Q: How many Buckland Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond Buckland..."

Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before those damned Christians came along.

Q: How many Thelemites does it take....
A: None, Every One of them is a Star.

Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you want it changed into?

Q: How many Witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they do it in great rites.

Q: How many Golden Dawners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others

Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw on the altar!

Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but they have to be very small!

Q: How many Tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 2 as long as the lamp is by the bed...

Q: How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.

Q: How many Kabbalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 261

Talliesin · 14-08-2005 3:47pm

The Caffeinated Cross
(A Javacrucian Ritual)
by Karl Lembke

The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn't been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters.

Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled "The Mystery of the StarBuck".

THE CAFFEINATED CROSS

Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness.

Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:

"LATTE"

Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:

"MOCHA"

Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:

"CAPPUCCINO"

Bring it across to your right shoulder:

"FRAPPUCCINO"

Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:

"ARABICA, OH MAN!"

Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:

"BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON"

"BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ"

"AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B"

"AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS"

"FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA"

"WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH"

Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.

To end the ritual, raise the mug to your lips one last time, facing East and intone:

"GODDESS... I needed that!"

(Always great fun to actually perform this anywhere that people will get the reference - just be careful not to accidentally do it when you intend to do the real thing).

Talliesin · 14-08-2005 4:08pm

What Thelemites say
What they mean

Do what thou wilt.
Fine don't do it my way but it'll be wrong.
I disagree, but "As brothers fight...”
I'm planning your "greater feast" for sometime next week.
Take your fill and will of love as ye will.
Wanna ****?
It's beyond your grade.
I don't know.
Meditate on it.
I really don't know.
It's a blind.
No one knows.
It's revealed wisdom.
He made it up.
Their rituals are too "Old Aeon."
There's not enough sex and violence.
In terms of physical phenomena, the ritual was a success.
My cat exploded.
That lecture was very informative.
How many oaths did you break with this one?
Our ritual should be quite powerful.
It's a combined Horus invocation /Choronzon evocation with a little Cthulu thrown in for extra punch.
His new rituals are very true to Crowley's vision.
He changed two words in Liber Pyramidos
Taking this initiation will accelerate your progress on the path.
Your husband will leave, you'll lose your job, a meteor will strike your car and your dog will die.
That's an interesting interpretation.
Crowley is spinning in his grave fast enough to generate electricity.
Their camp is very independent.
They're planning the overthrow of the Grand Master and they've become born-again Christians.
That's how Crowley originally intended it.
I don't have a good reason, but I like it that way.
Their temple has a lot of magical energy.
They haven't banished since 1967.
The party was fun.....you know, the usual.
There were 3 major philosophical schisms, 2 magical duels to the death, an impromptu X-rated Gnostic Mass, and the usual orgy to follow.
He brings a strong sense of conviction to his commentaries on Crowley's works.
He's Crowley's incarnation and he wants royalties.
Yes, "Liber Call Me AL" is very witty.
Tell us who wrote it so we can kill him.
Your "Law Under the Law" column has some interesting political implications.
The FBI just called, and we turned you in.

ArdRi79 · 15-08-2005 4:35pm

The party was fun.....you know, the usual.
There were 3 major philosophical schisms, 2 magical duels to the death, an impromptu X-rated Gnostic Mass, and the usual orgy to follow.

Sounds like a good night out to me, anyone know any Irish Thelemites?

Talliesin · 15-08-2005 5:04pm

ArdRi79 wrote:

Sounds like a good night out to me, anyone know any Irish Thelemites?

For some reason there's a hell of a lot of them up North.

ArdRi79 · 15-08-2005 5:07pm

I was on Emain Macha with the Craobh's Crua and Rua and I didnt hear one orgasmic yell, they must all have pillows over their heads. dammit!

PaulinCork · 16-08-2005 11:10am

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road ? (Pagan-style)
Alexandrian/Gardnerian:
To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say,
though,
that it *really* is an ancient rite, dating far back in time, back
even
before 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage. As Gerald
said, it takes a chicken to make an egg.
Asatru:
First, we don't believe in a "One Chicken" or a "Hen and Rooster." We
believe in many chickens. Second, "crossing the road" is part of the
three levels, or worlds, and the chicken simply crossed from one level
to another. Hail to the Chickens!
British Traditional:
The word "chicken" comes from a very specific Old English word
("gechekken"), and it only properly applies to certain fowl of East
Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I suppose they
are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road, but you
must
remember that traditional roads are not to be confused with the modern
roads....
Celtic:
In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer's day, there is still practiced St.
Henny's Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan Chicken Crossing
fertility rite. Today, modern pagans are reviving the practice,
dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.
Ceremonial:
"Crossing the road" is a phrase that summarizes many magical
structures
erected and timed by the chicken to produce the energy necessary for
the intention of the travel across the road. For example, the astrological
correspondences had to be correct, the moon had to be waxing (if the
chicken intended to come to the other side of the road) or waning (if
the chicken intended to flee to the other side of the road), and the
chicken had to prepare herself through fasting and proper
incantations.Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning an egg *inside* your chicken self) can produce abnormal or even dangerous eggs and should
only be conducted inside a properly erected barnyard. ...
Chaos:
Thinking in terms of "roads" and "crossings" is simply looking at the
formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing space-time.
We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing itself; what
appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm ---- it is the
**road** which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now
demonstrates what we knew all along: two roads can simultaneously
exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the
dynamic energy (called "crossing"), we can manifest the road. Of
course, to the unknowledgeable, this appears as a chicken crossing the
road.

Dianic:
The chykyn ("chicken" is term of patriarchal oppression) sought to
reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the road,
after
it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakened
the power of the Hen within herself.

Discordian:
cock-a-doodle-doo !

Druid:
To get to the sacred grove, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of
everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash,
based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken
sacrifices in the past, but that is over now...

Eclectic:
Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some Egyptian
style corn and a Celtic sounding word for the road and incorporated
some

Native American elements into her Corn-name,
Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-Wolves.

Faery:
In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained
can
still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting with these
"fey-fowl" as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance between
the energies of modern development and living with the earth.

Family Traditional:
Growing up, we didn't think much about "crossing the road." A chicken
was a chicken. It crossed the road because that was what worked to get
her to the other side. We focused on what worked, and we worked more
with the elders of the barnyard and less with all this "guardians of
the
chickencoop" business. We didn't get our concepts of "chickens"
or "the
other side" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe us
since we did not "scratch down" on paper what was clucked to us orally
(which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid
becoming
Easter chicken soup!), but that doesn't change the facts: there *were*
real chickens, and they *really did* cross the road!

Kitchen Witch:
The chicken crossed the road to get food, to get a rooster or to get
away from me after I decided to have chicken for supper !

Left Hand Path:
White, fluffy chickens prancing across the road ! Do you think that is
*all* there is to crossing the road? Do you *dare* to know the Dark
Side of crossing the road and the *other* path to self-development?

New Age:
The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one her lessons
to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense and bright,
white corn to explore on the Other Side.

PaulinCork · 16-08-2005 11:11am

Newbie:
well, 'cause I read in this really kewl book that said, like, chickens
are supposed to cross the road, right?

Posting on an Online Discussion Group:
What do you mean <> ???!!!???
Haven't you read **any** of the previous posts? We've been [expletive
deleted] debating every word of that question, painstakingly trying to
come to some kind of answer. I know you wrote <was why chickens cross
the
road, I'm not looking for any chicken
spells>> but I'm fed up with newbies who can't even bother to
REEEEEEEEAAADDD the posts on that very topic! No, this is *not* a
flame.

But, I and several others here have the *maturity* to properly explore
and respond to this question, and we were properly trained; we
*didn't*
just read a book and think we were full-fledged chickens. much better
after ranting>

Solitaire:
The chicken didn't want to be part of a coven or an oven.

Shaman:
Crossing the road is a way to reconnect with the healing, visionary
lifeways of the past. Chickens have long known this, but increasingly
the Rooster's Movement is adding more roosters to the crossings too.

Snert:
Hey, are you guys really chickens? Can you give me a spell that will
make a chicken cross the road?

Wiccan: The chicken crossed the road because she felt like she was
finally "coming home." She could do it alone or with others, but she
had to call to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the Barnyard first
... uhm, after casting the circle.

How Some Pagan Authors Might Respond:

Margot Adler:
The recent chicken resurgence, it can be argued, is directly based on
a
response to the suburban middle class experience. While I found that
chickens-who-cross-roads who responded to my survey are of a wide
range
of ages and backgrounds, I discovered some trends in the "why" of
crossing the road. For some it is was freedom. For some it is
chickensim. Many chickens told me they crossed the road for
intellectual satisfaction. One thing is clear: the growth of road
crossing by chickens is expanding in the numbers of chickens and in
the
ways they cross the road, including at chicken festivals and for
political blocking of roads.

I. Bonewits:
Real crossing-the-road, we have seen, is a very interwoven and
complicated subject. Our conclusion could be that real
crossing-the-road is the build up of chicken emotion in conjunction
with
chicken concepts to vary the modulation of chicken energy so as to
effect the modulation of the road's energy. That's all! Perhaps it is
unfortunate, though, to use the word "chicken" in relation to it,
since
the "C" word is being used now in a way it was never used before in
the
English language and is an utterly meaningless term without a
qualifying
adjective. And this, of course, is the fault of the medieval Christian
Church, through the Gothic Chickens it invented and used as the basis
of
persecuting men, women and chickens. The word "chicken" itself comes
from an Indo-European root, "cheeka/e" meaning "one who lays eggs,"
and
it has no relation to the later Anglo-Saxon word for "wise spirit of
flight," as so often stated by certain contemporary "Chics."
An'Chk'Rrhod ("Our Own Chickens on Our Own Roads"), an authentic
Neo-Chicken Rooster tradition, offers the best of paleo-, meso- and
neo-
Chickenism ...

Carlos Castenada
4/10/1964 I spent 14 hours, without food or water, sitting on the dirt
and under the sun in front of Don Juan's house, grinding chicken feed.
I asked Don Juan if I could have a drink of water, and he told me that
it was always this way, that a man who wanted to cross the road with
the
chicken cannot have any food or water till the chicken feed is ground.
I asked Don Juan if the chicken is an ally, like the little smoke. Don
Juan seemed to get angry and stayed silent. After I completed grinding
the corn, I hallucinated from heat exhaustion, and Don Juan said I was
ready. As I collapsed to my side, I spilled the chicken feed around
me.
A chicken appeared to be eating the feed around me, and I became
strangely absorbed in the vision. I heard Don Juan's voice tell me,
"You must let the chicken cross the road into you. It is very painful,
but for a man of knowledge it is easy."

Scott Cunningham:
A chicken passes between the grasses, clucking.
The wind blows, and the chicken knows, *knows*, that this is the time.
She puts her energy into taking the steps, in harmony with the gravel
and the stones of the road.
She is across; it is over, and the chicken stands in the field on the
other side of the road....

Natural chicken crossing is unique among most other branches of the
art
of chicken road crossing. It doesn't require years of collecting or
fashioning coops, feeders or hen houses. Indeed, the most important
tools of natural chicken crossing are free: the road, the chicken and
you, your personal chicken power. You're already familiar with it.
You've felt it. You *are* a chicken. Crossing the road is you, with
your chicken need. And, you can do it on your own. After all, who
initiated the first chicken?

Janet and Stewart Farrar:
Since so many editions of Gardner's Chicken Book of Crossings have
appeared in print (some accurate, some not), we think it won't "lay an
egg" too much if we clearly present "The Chicken Crossing Rite,"
especially if we do so after two and half pages of well researched
introduction set in six-point type. In version A of the Chicken
Crossing
Rite, we find many pseudo-archaisms (e.g., "Yea, Ye Anciente Rite of
Ye
Chiks and Ye Rodes is a moste powerful Crafting, taking thy athame
..."); however, Doreen Valiente notes (in version C, which is what we
present), and we agree, that underlying it all is a basic ritual for
summoning the astral road through the spirit of the Chicken (drawn
down
in the person of the High Priestess, holding the black handled feed
bin;
of course, a second degree may assist or perform the rite when....

Llewellyn's Practical Chicken Magick Series:
To some people, the idea that "chickens crossing the road" is
practical
comes as a surprise. It shouldn't. The whole idea of Crossing the Road
is practical for chickens. While Crossing the Road is also, and
properly
so, concerned with spiritual growth and psychological transformation
--the "why" of crossing the road-- every chicken's life must rest
firmly
on material roads. Crossing the Road is the flowering of chicken
potential. And the profits from publishing all those books on how to
do
so? Well, that ain't chicken feed...

Starhawk:
The chicken crossed the road to reclaim the crossing experience, the
experience of being fully alive, with streams and earth and rocks and
road, in the fullness of her chickenhood after thousands of years of
roosterarchy. The chicken crossing the road ---not a chicken laying
eggs, not a chicken being roasted and eaten--- a chicken strong and
free, crossing the road, this is something I can believe in. We
chickens, as chickens, can reclaim this in harmony with the Earth who
gives life to all chickens and Who has been terribly scratched by
roosters. Exercises: Dance the Spiral Chicken.

Doreen Valiente:
Old Chicken really did exist, and she really did cross the road.
Gerald
talked about her often, but she didn't cross the road till before I
began studying with Gerald. Still, there are records of Old Chicken
which confirm her reality. As for all the comments that Gerald had a
"thing" for chickens, that is simply not true. The reason we worked
with
chickens is really quite simple: it worked !

Silver Raven Wolf:
Although many times people have asked me why exactly the chicken
crossed
the road, I often wonder myself. My point is that every chicken comes
to
the road in a different way, and there is no one correct way for the
chicken to get to the road to be crossed. The study of crossing the
road
is hard work if the chicken is going to develop any degree of
proficiency. It is not something where you can just cluck yourself
across the road. The first time my chicken crossed the road was for my
chicken's friend, whose rooster was being abusive. The chicken worked
the steps for crossing the road after carefully considering all the
reasons for crossing the road and all the steps she would have to
take. Finally, my chicken just started clucking and flapping her wings
and started across the road. When shereached the other side, her
friend's rooster was respectful! Afterwards, the chicken ate some
corn
to ground herself.

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The homepage of the Servants of the Light can be found at www.servants of the Light.org

Bard · 16-08-2005 11:14am

Hilarious! Whoever said pagans didn't have a sense of humour, eh?

LOL!

Talliesin · 16-08-2005 11:51am

Bard wrote:

Whoever said pagans didn't have a sense of humour, eh?

I don't know, who?
Tell us and we'll get them!

Frater Marbh · 06-10-2005 4:25pm

Carlos Castenada
4/10/1964 I spent 14 hours, without food or water, sitting on the dirt
and under the sun in front of Don Juan's house, grinding chicken feed.
I asked Don Juan if I could have a drink of water, and he told me that
it was always this way, that a man who wanted to cross the road with
the
chicken cannot have any food or water till the chicken feed is ground.
I asked Don Juan if the chicken is an ally, like the little smoke. Don
Juan seemed to get angry and stayed silent. After I completed grinding
the corn, I hallucinated from heat exhaustion, and Don Juan said I was
ready. As I collapsed to my side, I spilled the chicken feed around
me.
A chicken appeared to be eating the feed around me, and I became
strangely absorbed in the vision. I heard Don Juan's voice tell me,
"You must let the chicken cross the road into you. It is very painful,
but for a man of knowledge it is easy."

OH MY GOD!!!!! That is just too funny!

Things pagans will never say

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