Run

lilmissprincess

Not enough time to show true emotion,
Rain splattering down upon the desert,
A raging hurricane over the calmest sea.

Containment is not an option,
They multiply within seconds,
Unable to hide beneath the facade.

Reaching further ahead each moment,
Breaking out and breaking hearts,
Energy surging through their figures

Stop. They do not listen,
Shall not hear what i say,
Never think ahead of what they should do
And I ask why.

Le Rack

well done.
I think I know exactly what its about, and it works well with the core subject.

ExOffender

This is not so much a comment on the poem, which I confess has me stumped, as on the nature of my stumpedness. This poem encapsulates what annoys me about a lot of modern work in that it seems to me to be wilfully obscure, like a puzzle or something. Many well-known poems that use extensive, passim or overall thematic metaphors need a couple of reads to 'crack' exactly what they're about. This is all well and good, but the encryption is 'supposed' (ridiculous I know :rolleyes:) to be there for a reason, in that it expresses something in itself, or by its own nature reveals something of the subject. Austen Healy's load of muck about a lost heifer (Ireland) is, unfortunately, the one example that springs to mind. Whereas a lot of modern poets seem to think the 'encryption' is worthwhile in itself... I disagree. That's what crosswords are for.

lilmissprincess: as I say, this isn't really a comment on your piece, more a mini-rant about the fact that, however wonderful it may be, it's lost on me.

airetam_storm

ExOffender wrote:

This is not so much a comment on the poem, which I confess has me stumped, as on the nature of my stumpedness. This poem encapsulates what annoys me about a lot of modern work in that it seems to me to be wilfully obscure, like a puzzle or something. Many well-known poems that use extensive, passim or overall thematic metaphors need a couple of reads to 'crack' exactly what they're about. This is all well and good, but the encryption is 'supposed' (ridiculous I know :rolleyes:) to be there for a reason, in that it expresses something in itself, or by its own nature reveals something of the subject. Austen Healy's load of muck about a lost heifer (Ireland) is, unfortunately, the one example that springs to mind. Whereas a lot of modern poets seem to think the 'encryption' is worthwhile in itself... I disagree. That's what crosswords are for.

lilmissprincess: as I say, this isn't really a comment on your piece, more a mini-rant about the fact that, however wonderful it may be, it's lost on me.

He's not alone

lilmissprincess

Hey, it was just what I was thinking at the time, I wrote it straight from the mind at the time. Part of it was experiences, part was pure madness, I don't quite understand it fully myself.

Le Rack

Is it wierd that I can put full explanation to every line of your own poem using your own life and you can't?

lilmissprincess

yep. deffo wierd.

Le Rack

but I can!

RuggieBear

ExOffender wrote:

This poem encapsulates what annoys me about a lot of modern work in that it seems to me to be wilfully obscure, like a puzzle or something.

I totally agree! I don't mind doing a bit of work in order to really understand a poem but it shouldn't be rocket science!

lilmissprincess

pls explain...

RuggieBear

I wasn't necessarily talking about your poem there, but I think that lots of modern poems fail to touch their audience because the audience is not given even a few clues about the meaning!

shuushh

tis good

i like the "breaking out and breaking hearts" line

ExOffender

lilmissprincess wrote:

I don't quite understand it fully myself.

How can you not understand something you yourself wrote? This leads me to suspect that there is little to understand.

I'm mean today. :mad:

Br@nkin

She didn't understand it herself because there was emotion flowing through her at the time, and she was obviously spilling her feelings out while writing, not paying attention to what it she was writing, it happens to alot of writers, including myself.

I quite liked the actual poem myself, do u write lyrics aswell?

ExOffender

Br@nkin wrote:

She didn't understand it herself because there was emotion flowing through her at the time, and she was obviously spilling her feelings out while writing, not paying attention to what it she was writing, it happens to alot of writers, including myself.

Yeah. Emotion flows through everyone at some point or another, not just 'writers'. I too am a 'writer'. If I try to capture an emotional state, I do so with words. Once I have expressed the emotion in words, it is fully comprehensible to me. The two acts are one and the same: rendering the emotional state in words, and understanding it. It is, for me at least, impossible for it to be otherwise. The only emotional states that can't be understood are those which can't be expressed in words, if such exist, and obviously make a pretty poor subject for poetry. Like trying to photograph darkness.
Don't really care about this, I'm just whining about a poem I don't really like/understand.

Blush_01

I have to admit, the poem seems a little - I don't know if this is the right word - immature. Like either it needs some work, or the subject matter is half reality and half angsty idealism.

Then again, I don't like most poetry. And I find that coming-of-age poetry, as the piece above seems to be, is impossible to get right. Just my opinion.

That said, I do like "breaking out and breaking hearts" as a line. However, if you turn everything in your teens into a poem, you'll run out of paper and find the majority are the same thing re-worded repeatedly.

Wow, mean-ness is catching!

Custom22

Wow, I hated that to be honest. To me, its fits seamlessly into the "teen angst" template that is so often used. I've already commented on some of the other poems. Everything I said can roughly be translated on to this poem. Much of the critisism above I agree with too. This post might not be the most constructive form of critisism but there you have it. Its just more and more of the samE

pwd

There is a lot [too much] poetry where a feeling is described without giving any context for it. This generally will not appeal to people who do not know the author.

lilmissprincess

Ok, thanks a lot for your ( lovely) comments...Hey, I wrote this from mind to boards, there was no paper involved, it was just a train of thought. And this, for once, is not one of my "diary" pieces.

Custom22

lilmissprincess wrote:

Ok, thanks a lot for your ( lovely) comments...Hey, I wrote this from mind to boards, there was no paper involved, it was just a train of thought. And this, for once, is not one of my "diary" pieces.

Its not meant to be lovely, only helpful. If you cannot take criticism, then don't post your stream of conciousness.

lilmissprincess

Sorry for my sarcasm....you can hate my stuff if you like, as i tell anyone else, there is something in the constitution or in the rights of a person that says you have a right to an opinion. And I can take criticism as well as the rest of ye.

Blush_01

Look, I didn't mean to offend you. But someone told me much the same about my own "poetry", when I used to write it. I believe that both you and Le Rack are far too fond of pretty or obscure metaphors, which you're both good at formulating. However, piling them together doesn't make a poem.

There's a difference between someone saying what's been said here and someone being intentionally cruel or mean. If you post things on a board like this, you can't honestly do so expecting people to come, smile, pat you on the back and say well done if they don't think it warrants it. Any critique I've seen here has been written in a manner that's constructive, and not intended to offend. Obviously your work means a lot to you, but if it means too much for you to accept the advice being given to you, then don't post on a public board until you're emotionally detatched enough from the piece to accept the audience's point of view.

To be utterly "cruel" but honest, poetry like yours is a dime a dozen. I've recycled more of it than I care to remember, never mind the books of it I still have lying around. Just because it expresses how you feel, or feels suitably obscure to make you feel ok about posting your own emotions online doesn't mean that it's good as it is at the moment. Acknowledge it or not, but the poem here, like many others seems to be an outpouring of the same teen angsty emotions we all experienced and still experience. But an outpouring is so rarely mature or complete enough to be considered a finished work.

Work on it. Strip it down. Find what you want to say in it - then say it. See if you can do that, then post the result. It might even shock you how good it could potentially be. But if you get too defensive about comments people make while trying to help you to mature your work and increase your talent, you'll get nowhere.

We're just trying to help. If you don't want that, maybe say it at the beginning of your posts in future?

lilmissprincess

Thanks for that...but i need the criticism so i won't take you up on the offer of saying that at teh top of my posts. My work isnt great and I know it, but right now, i'm stuck in a creative slump, and this is all i have. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

ExOffender

That's the spirit!

Le Rack

Blush_01 wrote:

Look, I didn't mean to offend you. But someone told me much the same about my own "poetry", when I used to write it. I believe that both you and Le Rack are far too fond of pretty or obscure metaphors, which you're both good at formulating. However, piling them together doesn't make a poem.

emmm not trying to be a pretentious (sp) little b!tch but what metaphors of mine are obscure? And I know myself few of them are pretty if you mean in the sense of beautiful... I've always thought my metaphors even the most "obscure" seeming ones may be unusual but reasonably clear and effective?

lilmissprincess

Nice point rach!

Le Rack

I'm being serious, hun you cant talk you didn't even know what one of oyur poems was about let alone what the metaphors were about

lilmissprincess

Touche....and i am sort of getting the picture in my head of what its about, getting to grips with what metaphors i did use, that i didnt realise i was using..

Le Rack

right so joe!
Blush come back and answer me!