relationship advice needed..

LegacyUser

Im going out with my boyfriend now for just under two yrs. Im a girl 24 btw.
things have been going really well up until about a month ago when I started losing interest on the physical side of things. I have no idea why this has happened, and am wondering why. He is becoming agitated now because there is no physicality, he said that he noticed stuff going downhill the last while but thought it was just a phase. I dont know what to think though. We love each other, but i just dont know what to do about the sexual stuff (im not that experienced either)...

bewildered..... :S

LegacyUser

Also, to add, ive been living in Cork for the past 5 yrs on-and-off (went to college for 4, now working here), and he has just landed a new job in the city. (it has been a weekend relationship up until now, meeting at the weekends at home 60 miles away). He is now living on the other side of the city. I am feeling a bit claustraphobic I think, ive never had a bf thats lived in the same city, so its always been the social life down here during the week, and weekends for boyfs. I dont want to lose my life to him, my belief is that there;s plenty of nights for staying in later down the line like.... I think, like, that he has this attitute that he should be over in my place every nite or vice versa, and I dont necisarrily want that..

But then again i dont know why i dont have the ;lets go to bed; feeling, its not that i dont fancy/love him??

Could anyone give some advice?

TinCool

It sounds like from your second post that for the past couple of years you've had two lives. One of single life during the week and then the relationship life of the weekend. Now that your b/f is living in the same city you are feeling your single life being threatened. But, you can't have it both ways now, you either spend that little extra time with him during the week and the usual weekend stuff, or go back to singledom. You don't sound like you want to commit full time to a relationship. Don't string him along though. If you want to live the single life than do !

Dimitri

Every night can be overkill, have you tried explaining that you need your own space as well? On the other hand is it a fear of commitment thats holding you back? Are you a person that enjoyed a pretty good social life up to now? if so staying in evey night might seem boring, does he come out much with you, i know a lot of people who go out at every possible oppertunity with and without their gf/bf's

Fysh

I'd suggest explaining to him that you want to have a social life as well as spending time with him (and encourage him to do the same). Obviously it'll be easier if you have friends in common, but even if he doesn't know/like your friends he has to accept that you want to spend time with them.

It can happen that suddenly being able to spend loads of time together after a weekends-only relationship leads to one or both of you feeling suffocated by the relationship - you end up spending time together because you can do so, instead of because you want to. You may find that if you spend a little less time together you might regain the spark in your sex life too - but if things continue to go on a downward trend, it's probably time to sit down and have a serious talk about where things are going.

AARRRGH

You need to do something drastic.

I was in a similar situation with an ex. She started to lose interest in the physical stuff... and she had no idea why.

She didn't really try to fix things, so it kind of dragged on like that for another 2 years (seriously!). At that stage we were not having sex anymore...and I began cheating (more for my self esteem than anything else.)

It's not unreasonble your relationship will go in the same direction if you don't take control of the situation.

I don't actually think spending less time together will fix this problem.

Can I ask you - are you sexually stimulated by anything at the moment? (as in, is it just with your boyfriend that's the problem or has your sex drive/hornyness died altogether?)

cordelia

fauna-child wrote:

I am feeling a bit claustraphobic I think, ive never had a bf thats lived in the same city, so its always been the social life down here during the week, and weekends for boyfs. I dont want to lose my life to him, my belief is that there;s plenty of nights for staying in later down the line like.... I think, like, that he has this attitute that he should be over in my place every nite or vice versa, and I dont necisarrily want that..

But then again i dont know why i dont have the ;lets go to bed; feeling, its not that i dont fancy/love him??

Sometimes, when we are withdrawing mentally, we also withdraw physically.
The key word here is probably "claustraphobic." You want to keep the personal space that you've grown used to and he wants to spend more time with you.

Does he have friends nearby already or is he completely new there? That is pretty key here: if he has friends but is spending more time with you it could indicate that he wants to take the relationship more seriously or it could be as simple as the fact that he just doesn't know many people yet. Depending on the answer you can either talk to him about needing more space or deciding whether you are ready to put more time/effort into the relationship.

LegacyUser

Sometimes, when we are withdrawing mentally, we also withdraw physically

Not sure what you mean by that.

But anyway..

The spark has totally gone out of our relationship, and as much as both of us dont want that to happen, it seems to have. I cant see myself with any other boyfriend, hes one of my best friends, if not my BEST. We get on so so well together and have great fun all the time. Part of the problem might be that we can postpone talking about serious stuff very easily and go out and enjoy ourselves.,

We talked and talked about it, but the gut feeling i keep getting is that we wont be able to fix this cos the spark is gone - thats something i think cant be fixed.

I really thought that this was gonna be great - that now he was down here in cork with me that it would be the best time ever, its turned out to be the opposite.. WHHHYYYYYYYYYY?

dublindude - you asked about sexual stimulation - Im not attracted to anyone else and as such have no sexual feelings at all. I just dont have any desire to go to bed, just feel the spark is gone, i just dunno. Ive cried so much.

We kinda decided yesterday to take a break and see what happens, hope it might give us time to find out what happens, jeez i dunno really tho...

So scared...

dramaqueen

Sorry to hear things have gone this way.
Unfortunately sometimes things just run their course.
If you have only ever had a weekend relationship before, that may be why you lasted as long as you did. Sometimes being around each other alot just speeds up the inevitable.
If you really care about him as much as you say, then you will stay friends.
Then again, having a little time apart may help you to remember why you love each other and may bring you back together again.
But if you do get back together, it will be different. And it should be.
It sounds to me that you started a new phase in your relationship but didn't change things to suit it.
I hope things get better for you.

U$ername

Just a thought...I aint an expert on womens biology by a long shot but have you been on the pill for a long time...cos if you are it might be that and a switch to condoms for a while may make a difference (worked for a girl I know)... If you arent on the pill at all then I dont know....

Kell

fauna-child wrote:

We talked and talked about it, but the gut feeling i keep getting is that we wont be able to fix this cos the spark is gone - thats something i think cant be fixed

Seems like you have answered your own questions in your second and last posts. Why not go the whole hog and dump him and get on with your life?

Heres the simple fact as others have mentioned - you had a weekend relationship probably populated with as much sex as you could get around to. Now you have a "settled" relationship which isnt half as exciting as what you had. You're not a bad person if this state of affairs doesnt suit you, thats just the way it is. Its not what you expected it to be, so leave it alone and move on. Put him and you out of your collective miseries.

The crying is guilt. Ask yourself who you're crying for and you'll probably find its him. You'll stop immediately. I know I did.

K-