Miscellaneous

Flukey

A lady truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," she thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.



* * * * The Happy Guy * * * *


Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.

"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft



* * * * The Ten Commandments* * * *


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "thou shall not kill."

*Dentist*
A guy goes to the dentist.
The dentist says "Say ahhh..."
The guy says "Why?"
The dentist says "My dog died."

***Yogi Berra quotes.******

Lawrence Peter Berra was born at Saint Louis, Missouri in 1925. While waiting to bat in childhood baseball games he sat with his arms and legs crossed in what teammates thought looked like a yoga position, thus the "Yogi" nickname. Miffed that one of his friends got a better offer from the Saint Louis Cardinals than he had, Yogi signed with the Yankees where he played from 1946 to 1963 and is considered one of the best catchers in baseball. After retiring as a player he managed or coached until 1992, with the Yankees, Mets, and Houston Astros, with great success as well. For those of us who aren't baseball fans, he also left some marvelous malapropisms.

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they aren't.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

The future ain't what it used to be.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

If you don't know where you're going, you'll wind up somewhere else.

If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's going to stop them.

It's deja vu all over again.


Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours.
- All from Lawrence Peter "Yogi" Berra

airetam_storm

Its all terrible minus the MS joke and the Yogi quotes, theyre good, sounds like GWBush :rolleyes:

superconor

The first joke was the worst i have ever heard.

Ev3r.

Tyrrial

i problem shouldn't have bothered reading those

Oriel

Tyrrial wrote:

i problem shouldn't have bothered reading those

Your problem is writing.

dynasty crew

The yogi one is pretty good.

solice

Tyrrial wrote:

i problem shouldn't have bothered reading those

thats the best joke in the thread

Flukey

I never said they'd be good. Why do you think I put "Miscellaneous" as the title to the thread?

Flukey

There are five kinds of sex that people can experience in their lifetimes.

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, including the kitchen.

The third is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you've got to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and yell, "Screw you."

The fifth is Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your ex screws you in front of everyone in the court.