Cellar Door (one use of strong language)

Le Rack

If I opened up, the cellar door, to your mind
I wonder,
Whatever would I find?
Would I stand and stare in awe?
Or would I shake and tremble,
For fear of it all?

Would you let me waltz right in
To bask amidst your tainted thoughts.
Or would you close it back on me
and bolt it shut
Saying admission doesn't come for free.

Well I've paid my f*cking dues
And I've done my time
You stood and you watched
As I tiptoed down the edge of that blade
And faded into the darknes
Of your mind, as the door closed behind.

Le Rack

so! who else watched Donnie Darko last night!

Nidge

Le Rack wrote:

Well I've paid my f*cking dues
And I've done my time

"You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it,
and I think you all, but it's been no bed of roses, noooooo pleasure cruise,
I've had my bla bla kicked in my face and I've come through,
ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! MY FRIEND!, *BOUM BOUM* AND WE'LL KEEP ON FIGHTING TO END *DOWN DOWN DOWN*"

You should call the poem: Queen vs. Donni Darko

Le Rack

wow, nidge needs correcting!

"And I THANK you all, but its been no bed of roses, no pleasure cruise.
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race and I aint gonna lose!
And I need to go on and on and on and on, We are the champions my friend, and we'll keep on fighting till the end..."

and the actual bit you are refering to is

"I've paid my dues time after time, I've done my sentence but committed no crime. And bad mistakes, I've made a few, I've had my share of sand kicked in face but I've pulled through! And I need to go on..."

Granted Queen are one of the greatest bands of all time, but I did not steal their lyrics, or any from Donnie Darko except the words "Cellar Door". I knew someone would see a comparison though, but Nidge, please don't insult such a great band by mis-quoting their lyrics please.

Nidge

Le Rack wrote:

wow, nidge needs correcting!

"And I THANK you all, but its been no bed of roses, no pleasure cruise.
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race and I aint gonna lose!
And I need to go on and on and on and on, We are the champions my friend, and we'll keep on fighting till the end..."

and the actual bit you are refering to is

"I've paid my dues time after time, I've done my sentence but committed no crime. And bad mistakes, I've made a few, I've had my share of sand kicked in face but I've pulled through! And I need to go on..."

Granted Queen are one of the greatest bands of all time, but I did not steal their lyrics, or any from Donnie Darko except the words "Cellar Door". I knew someone would see a comparison though, but Nidge, please don't insult such a great band by mis-quoting their lyrics please.

Please don't insult such a great band by stealing their lyrics.

Le Rack

I didn't.
I said "I've paid my f*cking dues/ And I've done my time/ You stood and you watched...." whereas the Queen lie is as I quoted above: "I've paid my dues time after time, I've done my sentence but committed no crime."
So next time you accuse me of such make sure its the actual line first, it might be similar to it granted but its not the same and I only realised it after I had written it and was proof reading it.

Nidge

Le Rack wrote:

I didn't.
I said "I've paid my f*cking dues/ And I've done my time/ You stood and you watched...." whereas the Queen lie is as I quoted above: "I've paid my dues time after time, I've done my sentence but committed no crime."
So next time you accuse me of such make sure its the actual line first, it might be similar to it granted but its not the same and I only realised it after I had written it and was proof reading it.

I know they aren't the exact lines, they are very similar, there's no way you would have come up with them if you hadn't heard the song.

Fysh

Nidge wrote:

I know they aren't the exact lines, they are very similar, there's no way you would have come up with them if you hadn't heard the song.

a) I don't think anyone other than you cares, particularly since you offered bugger-all in the way of actual useful criticism or commentary on the piece itself outside of this, and

b) my interpretation of it was as a deliberately referential nod to a piece of mainstream pop-culture. I mean, the piece is titled "cellar door", Le Rack has openly admitted that the title was chosen after its discussion in Donnie Darko...is it really that big a deal? I assure you that Queen are neither the first nor the only people to express such sentiments - they're just authors of one of the most popular expressions of said sentiments.

So, back onto the piece itself. I'd like to be nice and say it's great, but I can't really. Sorry. The central notion itself is interesting enough if I've read it correctly (the trust required to let someone see the "real you", although to me that opens up a whole other can of worms regarding whether someone else can ever see you the same way you see yourself), but the piece doesn't really have much beyond the initial cellar door analogy to carry it. It starts nicely, with a strong image, but it doesn't really go anywhere from there. Being more picky, the choice of words doesn't feel consistent enough - it's hard to square the phrases "cellar door of your mind" and "admission doesn't come for free" together because they suggest vastly different images - one suggests a small, awkward-to-get-to place that you may or may not want to see in any case; the other suggests something far more glitzy like a nightclub that everyone is clamouring for access to. And, possibly my most commonly-used complaint when it comes to poetry, but the metre is a bit off. The sentences don't scan in such a way as to create a consistent rhythm, which for some reason really irks me.

I'd like to be more helpful and offer suggestions on how to improve it, but at the moment none come to mind. I'll post again if I can think of any.

Le Rack

thanx, the admission bit is about the trust as you already stated yourself so you kinda got it, I know the rhythm and that is off, but it felt strangely right...

Le Rack

Nidge wrote:

I know they aren't the exact lines, they are very similar, there's no way you would have come up with them if you hadn't heard the song.

oh please! Not that thats one of hte most common phrases in the English language or anything! Look since your offering no actual commentation upon the piece let it go!

Sarky

Everyone shut up about the similarity between that line and the Queen song. Now. Only Fysh's post has kept me from locking this so far.

Behave.

Custom22

I feel this poem is poor. What got to me most was your choice of words; the phrasing. The poem is riddled with tired banal terms like :

"And faded into the darknes"
"waltz right in"
"Well I've paid my f*cking dues"
"For fear of it all"
"the edge of that blade"

These forms of expression are unimaginative at best and dull to read. It, to me, reads like an angst-ridden blurb; spewed out on the page with no real originality in writing.

Take care with the structure of the poem too. It shows no continuity. Its jerky and pretty annoying to read through. Even free verse has certain structures to it that hold the poem together.

Dont keep on lashing out poems. Write one good one a month instead of five poor ones a week (I do not really know how many you write). Labour over it and get it right. Make it as perfect as is possible. Otherwise, you do not learn from it. Otherwise, its not really your artwork as you have'nt given it your best.

Read an essay entitled "Politics and the English Language" by George Orwell. It may help you understand some of the problems with your work and help you progress. Try reading some of Eliot's essays, like "Tradition and the Individual Talent" or simply slow down a bit and think before writing. Its a bit of a shame to see floods of mediocre poems in the forum when the same writers could probably do better. I have read some of your other work and its very similar in its faults.

Honestly, there is nothing I like about the poem at all.

P.S. If you ask a question in the poem don't forget to use question marks.

Le Rack

Theres reason to not using question marks, here, the "questions" are stated comments rather than questions.

I write when I feel like writing, whether it be good or not, sometimes I'll write a lot others I won't write for ages. My work is my work, perfect is a matter of interpretation, if you dont like it thats fine, others do, I write for myself I post here for opinions, and you gave yours so thanx

Custom22

If you are not concerned with how "perfect" your poems are and you write them for yourself then why do you post them up here? Surely it should not matter what others think if you write them solely for yourself. Why not save yourself the trouble of posting them up?

ANarcho-Munk

Le Rack was just saying that it's all really a matter of opinion on what you think "perfect" is. People have different opinions and like different kinds of writings....

Custom22

Perfection isn't ever really possible. I never said anything had to be perfect. i said as perfect as is possible. To me, there definately is such a thing as quality in art. One can work harder to achieve this higher quality and get closer to this so-called "perfection". The more you put in, the more it shows. Not everyone will like it, as you say, but people will have a better chance of appreciating it for what it is or at least appreciate that someone gave the piece their best efforts.

ANarcho-Munk

Custom22 wrote:

Perfection isn't ever really possible. I never said anything had to be perfect. i said as perfect as is possible. To me, there definately is such a thing as quality in art. One can work harder to achieve this higher quality and get closer to this so-called "perfection". The more you put in, the more it shows. Not everyone will like it, as you say, but people will have a better chance of appreciating it for what it is or at least appreciate that someone gave the piece their best efforts.

Yeah I completly agree with ya there

Le Rack

One can work harder to achieve this higher quality and get closer to this so-called "perfection"

^ which is why I write when I feel like. Practice makes "perfect", you need to keep doing something to make yourself any better at it, everyone has good days and everyone has bad, as a beginner at something your more likely to have more bad than good.

If you are not concerned with how "perfect" your poems are and you write them for yourself then why do you post them up here? Surely it should not matter what others think if you write them solely for yourself. Why not save yourself the trouble of posting them up?

^ I'm not writing to please other people, I post to get opinions on ability, content, subject matter etc.

people will have a better chance of appreciating it for what it is

^ thats down to a persons, individual interpretation of a piece, if they don't understand it they're not likely to appreciate it, or they may appreciate the visual aspect of it, etc.

Custom22

*Double post*

Custom22

You can keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and you will never really improve. Unless you sit back and actually look at what you are writing you will not make progress. When writing, consider every syllable, every sound and form of punctuation. Try to make the whole piece as absolutely deliberate as possible. Get more control over the way you write.

funky penguin

Sarky wrote:

Everyone shut up about the similarity between that line and the Queen song. Now. Only Fysh's post has kept me from locking this so far.

Behave.

Wha...?

Since when did you become mod here?! It's all them haiku's!