Enjoying life after a bereavement.... advice?

eskimo

This is a pretty long post, but if you lost someone you were really close to then I would really and truly appreciate if you could read this and offer me some advice or just even share your story?? It'd mean alot.

Well basically, my grandfather died almost two months ago. Now I know, you hear someone's grandfather died, you think "oh well it's not like his mother or father died, it's only his grandfather..." and I understand that. But this is different. My grandfather lived with me since I was 5 years old, and I'm now 19. He was fit and healthy and active right up until 2 months before he was taken, so it was an extra shock. He was never in hospital and never had to go to the doctor, well very rarely.

He lived at home with me and my family for the past 14 years. He was there every day when I came home from school since I was 5. He drove me to and from secondary school every day. He was just always, always there for me; always a big part of my life, just like my brother or sisters or parents. So this is how it's different.

On the one hand, I know he was thankfully old when he died and lived a full, incredibly active, healthy, fun life right up until his 86th year. And that is a giant consolation. On the other, he was taken from us suddenly and unexpectedly, and this is pretty hard to accept.

I was to fly to Canada for the summer in early June. At this stage we knew his cancer couldn't be cured, but the doctors couldn't tell us how long he had left - "just make the most of whatever time you have left with him", etc... I was to stay in Canada for 3 months. So in the hospital, the night before I left, I had to say my "last goodbyes", whatever they are. Except, we hadn't told him he was dying, so I couldn't exactly say "goodbye" to him. I think deep down he knew though. I stayed for hours past visiting hours, just him and me. We chatted and chatted.

At one stage the nurses came into to do a routine check up. I had to leave for a minute or two. He begged and pleaded with the nurses to let me stay. He demanded for me to stay. He got visibly agitated and distressed at the thought of me leaving. And this is when I saw for the first time in him that he knew he was dying and we may never see each other again.

I reassured him that I would only be gone for a few minutes. He eventually and reluctantly let me go. At that exact moment a large part of me died inside. We both knew the story. We both knew this was likely to be our last time together. And I just broke down as I walked around the hospital. I was literally devastated. My grandad was a walking angel, I don't know how better to describe him - he had the kindest heart I've ever come across. He was a very funny man two. He made everyone happy and dedicated his life to taking care of his friends and family and always lent a helping hand even to total strangers when they needed it. He used to entertain at hospitals by playing music on a regular basis. I would make him a saint if I had the power, and if you had ever met him you would know why. This made it extra extra difficult.

So I flew to Canada early the next morning. I felt dead inside. I was going with 7 friends but was disinterested in what was going on around me. Two days later, I got an urgent call to come home a.s.a.p, as my grandad had become seriously ill and was not expected to last the week. So I flew home to Ireland. I went straight from the airport to the hospital, where my Grandad was unconcious in a private room, eyes closed and breathing horribly and heavily. The next night, he finally opened his eyes and his breathing calmed. I jumped out of my seat to greet him and talk to him, and then my aunt said "He's going...". There were 5 of us in the room, and as his breathing became calmer and his eyes opened more and more, I broke down and took his hand, told him I loved him over and over, and stared back into his eyes, until finally his breathing stopped.

He was such a widely-loved and popular man that we had to have two funerals for him. One in Dublin and then another later on that day in Galway. Every day at home, he's just not there, and I can't deal with this at all. I spent the night that he died comforting my family, putting my feelings on hold as I wanted to deal with them sometime in the future and just help my family through it then. I knew I could comfort them because people always say I'm abnormally good at that kind of thing, so I felt obliged to do that - put my feelings on hold while I tended to everyone else.

After he died, I stayed numb. I went to a Coldplay concert and felt nothing. I go out with my friends, and feel nothing. I listen to upbeat music, and feel nothing. But then of course when I listen to sad music, my heart rips apart.

I was out tonight in Dublin for the first time in about two months, and I didn't even want to dance. I was dragged onto the dancefloor three times, but made an excuse each time and ran off. I just couldn't do it - and I normally am one of the first up!! I had no interest in anything. I went back to Canada after three weeks, and had no interest in anything over there either, so came home after two weeks.

I have been set up on a few dates since I came back, and I just have no interest in that either. It feels like nothing is stimulating me! I feel numb and feel like I'm enjoying nothing. There is such a powerfully empty hole in my heart/soul/mind/whatever where my grandad used to be.

So I'm asking, to any of you who have gone through this - does it last very long? Can you offer any advice for losing this numbness? Will it fade away? Or would it be worth my while talking to my college counsellor?

Like, I do let out my emotions at night when I'm in bed - i.e. crying. Though, this has led to what feels like insomnia, I haven't had a night's sleep in weeks.

If you could share your stories I would appreciate it beyond belief!! I ain't looking for sympathy or anything like that, just some sound advice from those of you who know what I'm talking about.

Thanks for reading down this far

BuffyBot

If you could share your stories I would appreciate it beyond belief!! I ain't looking for sympathy or anything like that, just some sound advice from those of you who know what I'm talking about.

Bereavement is different for everyone - so no one can say "yes it will get better in x weeks". It will get better, when it gets better. The point is, it does get better. If you think talking about it to someone will help, give it a try. You have absolutely nothing to lose.

It's hard to be practical when grieving, that's for sure. Think about it though - would he want you to be in such a state: losing sleep, feeling guilty and not enjoying your life? Or would he want to to be positive, and be happy that you're still able to live your life, go out with your friends etc? I think you most likely know the answer deep down.

Pod 78

I lost a parent a few years ago and it does take a long time to get through the bereavement stage, well sometimes it feels like never going to -it's constantly the little things.

You will always miss the person who died just and that it will be easier in time and somewhat less painful. The pain never truly goes away however, it does lessen. My advice is to always remember the good times and not to think about how your grandfather died, but how your grandfather lived as a happy, caring man who enjoyed life.

Regarding your social life I don't know this may be the first time as an adult you have lost someone close to you. I know after my parent died I did not drink or go out for about 6 months. I did not drink because I was afraid that I might cry and get maudley on a night out and upset my friends. My boyfriend and very close friends appreciated that I did not want to go out for a boogie or a big night and were there for me to watch a DVD or have a dinner in or a quiet night in the pub.

The death of my parent was incredibly sudden and I guess for me I was in immense shock for weeks afterwards and I actually went to conselling because of how they died.

Take your time go with what feels right- try going out if you are not enjoying the night, simply go home there will always be another night out and you are feeling down and it is very hard to act like you're having a good time when you are not.

Take care and feel free to PM me if you wish.

Miss Fluff

Poor you. Your story really tugged at my heartstrings, as our stories are so similar. I too lost my grandad whom I was very close to nearly two years ago now. He was 86, was diagnosed with cancer, although the family chose not to tell him this. Needless to say, like any old, wise man of 86 he knew deep down and chose not to discsus it openly. I too was with him when he died which I found really traumatic. Like someone mentioned earlier, the pain never goes away but I can assure you that it does lessen. Don't try to bottle up your emotions or force yourself to go out and party if you don't feel ready. You do mention that you cry a lot at night. Is there anyone close to you that you could sit down with during the day? How about siblings or one of your parents? They will truly empathise with how you feel and it might be cathartic for both parties to sit down and get your grief out with someone who truly understands your situation. Please believe me when I say that the pain will eventually lessen. In time, you will be able to look back at the happy years you spent with what sounded like a truly wonderful, popular man! When you think of his passing, try and focus on the many wonderful years you spent together when he was in full health as opposed to focussing on his last few months. My heart goes out to you. Just give yourself time and the pain will lessen a little. x

LadyJ

Hi OP.
I'm your age and have almost the exact same story. I lived with my Granny my whole life and after my mother died she took care of me.
She died in April. She had had cancer for a very long time and I helped look after her the whole time she was sick.
Like your Grandad,she was extremely kind and incredibly popular. Her funeral was huge.She died at home in her bed,we all knew it was coming but naturally it was still very hard.

I found her dead and at first I got very panicky and upset but after 10 mins or so it was like I just switched off and went numb. I cried once or twice at night but I still feel numb. 've gone to a few therapy sessions and they've really helped me a lot. I'd advise you to give it a go.

I've learned that the numbness is just my body's way of protecting me from the real pain that I feel and eventually,when I'm ready,my true feelings will come out. It takes time and I'm still in the process of working through it right now but believe me the therapy is helping.

Just remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel about the death of a loved one. Everyone has a different experience with bereavement and this is just your way.

ravenhead

It really is hard to know what to say in a situation like yours, but I know that when my Dad died very suddenly I was completely inconsolable for months afterwards. I didn't want to go back to work, going out just didn't interest me & I was under the added pressure of being the only one left living at home with my mother. It's stupid for people to say that it gets easier because it doesn't get any easier, you just learn to deal with it differently. I'll take time to start feeling anyway like you used to, but it will happen. You'll have your good days & your bad(maybe even a lot of bad) but you'll get through it. But try to stay involved in the things that you used to do before it happened. I didn't (because of feeling under pressure to be at home with my mother) & I regret it. Not only for myself but for my mother too, it made her very reliant on me & as the years are going by & things are moving on in my life, I'm starting to feel like I can't do the things that people my age are doing, lilke move out of home, get married etc, all the things that are very much on the cards for me at the moment.
So listen you what you're head is telling you, more so than your heart at the moment, it'll get you back to near enough your old self ...
Anytime you feel like a chat, just PM me.

Chin up

eskimo

Thank you so much for all of the advice and for sharing your difficult stories.

Good luck to all of you in your own grieving processes too.

I guess all we can do is do our best and see what happens.

If anyone wants or needs to chat, just PM me.

See ya

Sleepy

eskimo, try to be glad you knew him instead sad that you lost him. It sounds like he was a lovely man and a great influence on your life. I never had grandparents as my father was orphaned at 13 and my mother's parents died before my parents met. Sure, I've never had the pain of losing one, but I've never had the joy of having them either...

Time will dull the pain and eventually I'm sure you'll be able to think of your grandad and laugh about the old funny stories and the craic you had with him.

WhiteWashMan

it takes time.
dont have any expectations about 'how long' or anything, just keep your head up, remember your grandfather with fondness and love, and realise that he is gone, and now you have to move on as well.

Macbeth

I know exactly what you mean when you said part of you died inside...Imagine a really strong storm brewing, possibly even a hurricane. You know what's going to happen when it comes, or maybe not. Secure yourself to the nearest strongest sheltered foothold and stay there. Keep your eyes open, and hang on really really tight. It's going to come and devour everything in its sight, and when it comes, it presses hard so that you focus on nothing else apart from it. It will consume your every thought and feeling. Seconds will feel like days, and the debris falling all around you will make you feel hopeless. Don't know how long it will last, but it does go away with every minute that passes. Hang in there really tight. Take out photo's of him, play songs that remind you of him, recall stories he used to tell you...basically immerse yourself in all of him. Cry exactly when you want to, talk to him. Plant flowers or light a candle. It's a way of coping. Trust me...I know that the saying is exhausted but it really really does get easier as time passes. Whatever you do, don't bottle it up. If you want to see friends, go and don't feel guilty about doing so. Your grandad wants you to enjoy your life as he did. Don't put things on hold. If you want to stay in and be alone, then do exactly that.

Misticles

this made me cry. last november we got a call saying my grandad had died, we knew he was sick, he had septecemia. i cried when i heard that. on the way to see him, we got a call saying my granny had died (same day). this really hurt me alot still does. although i never saw them that oftenit still hurt like hell. i cried at night in bed, still do and when i see elderly people i nearly start crying. im still not over their death and its nearly a year later. i wont be for a good while. just writing this post is making me cry thinking about them. this was the first major death in my life. i hope you deal with this in your own time. do what you feel is necessary for you to deal with it because everyone is different in dealing with these things.

shabbyroad

Eskimo, that was a big step to take but I'll bet you felt a little better after opening up ?
I was very close to my grandparents and my mother. My father & his family less so. I lost my mother and grandparents in a very short space of time and it was devastating. My mum and grandmother died within months of each other in 2001 and it is only now that I'm really getting myself back to what passes for normal.

It's not easy. (no **** sherlock eh ?)

You can get a lot of professional help. I had never spoken with a clinical psychologist before but found that 6 or so very tearful sessions between the death of my mum and grandmother *did* help. My employer was both understanding and supportive in paying for this. It sounds like you're in college and have access to counselling. I say try it.
I do caution though that in doing bereavement counselling you'll possibly dig up other stuff. This can be good but it can be hard work too.

Take things at your own pace. If you don't want to feel happy then don't feel happy. If you simply don't want to do stuff then don't do it. It might seem like an eternity of feeling miserable - and the anniversaries for the first year or two can be tough. That's normal. If you didn't feel bad there'd be something very wrong with you.

If you ever want to talk to a complete stranger who has been through this please PM me.