How can I get dad to take a break from being full time carer to ill mum?

CathyMoran

My mum had a brain haemorrage last September, she is home from hospital a few months but she now needs 24 hour care, she is able to talk and walk but some aspects of her personality has changed - she is still very much my mum though.

My father is her carer and I feel that he is burning himself out, she will not let anyone else look after her for long periods of time, she does not understand how hard it is on my father even though she clearly adores him.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to give my dad some much needed time to be himself again - he is a very honorable man and would not put her in respite for 2 weeks, but I fear that my family may loose him if he does not get some time off. My mum is due to have another spell in hospital with a potentially life saving operation but that is a few months away and that experience is very stressful in itself.

Any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated - my father was a fun loving, humourous man and a wonderful father, I just could not bear to loose him.

mike65

CathyMoran wrote:

she will not let anyone else look after her for long periods of time, she does not understand how hard it is on my father even though she clearly adores him.

You don't say if you are at home and spend much time with your mum but the best way forward would be for you to try to get your mum to see that her husband needs a break. If a breakthough is made then she can tell your dad that he can take it easier for a while. Can the caring be spead about more evenly (brothers/sisters/aunts/uncles, etc)?

Mike.

CathyMoran

My mum has brain damage and she does not understand that daddy needs a break and dad is too proud to admit it, though it shows. Her family have been brilliant and do what they can but she misses dad after a short time. Even when brother and I look after her she still misses daddy and that is only for an afternoon!

Dimitri

My mother is in the earlier stages of alzheimers(sp?) and very young to be there too my father stresses out a feirce amount and is always trying to do everything, cooking cleaning, trying to make sure she is o.k. etc. I worry about is blood pressure which was already high prior to the diagnosis but every time i convince him to take it easy he only stresses more, i understand your mother probably needs a lot more care at immediate time but i took the old fella down to the pub the other night and i honestly thought he was going to loose it not being able to be around and look after her. I know your worried but imho maybe your better to let things as they are looking after someone isn't easy, but neither is being seperated from someone you love who now needs you more than ever. I hope things work out.

Gav

DawnMc

Hi pet,
It is possible to get weekend respite or a part time care assistant to help your Dad out. Try ringing the Health Service Executive to inquire

up for anything

Cathy, you say some aspects of your mum's personality have changed but that she is still very much your mum. How much has she changed? Is she still compos mentis or do you mean that that now matter how much she has changed it doesn't change the fact that she is still your mother? You must try to make her understand that your dad needs regular breaks or else he will drift into depression which will both have an affect on his own health and also on the care that he gives her. As the mother of small children I know that after even a couple of months with no let up from being with them, routine etc. I am climbing the walls, even if I can't show it and it affects the way I look after them.

If she is unable to take in the fact, he must still take breaks. The partner as carer is under a huge burden and maybe it would be possible for him to have some sort of counsellor/therapist to whom he could speak on a regular basis and to whom he could offload his feelings without danger of feeling guilty or nasty. Without generalising, men are known for supressing their innermost thoughts and it is this sublimation which will be detrimental to his blood pressure levels.

It is a very difficult situation with no easy answers and my heart goes out to you and your family.

CathyMoran

She is not fully with us yet, though there are improvements, if slow ones, the sunny side of her personality is almost permanently on show, she is a nieve child though in some ways. I do not know how we could tell her that daddy needs a break, she can not understand that he needs a break and gets very distressed without him, she was in intensive physio a few months back and missed my daddy too much. How can you tell her?

Daddy does get a few hours away from her - her family in particular have been wonderful in giving him a few hours away from her, but it is only a few hours. Daddy would not go to a therapist, he is an artist, so that is his way of getting things out, he does also cry if he is upset which is a good thing. Even still he is coping with grieving for the wife he loved and caring with the new one who could die at any time.

In a way there is a lot of truth in him being worse without being with her, she is never out of his thoughts. They were childhood sweethearts from the age of 12, though they only really dated from the age of 17 - I can not imagine one without the other.

Thank you to everyone for your help thus far.

Victor

This sounds patronising.

Is there any way to "distract" your mother for the day? I'm not sure beauty treatments? A girls afternoon / day.

Then drag your father off to do something he'd like, but may not necessarily ask for?

Its hard to say this, but eventually one of them will pass on and they need to be prepared for this.

hugz